Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s21e09 Episode Script

You want to know the future.
You want me to be psychic.
There's good money in psychic.
So here's the forecast.
That billy goat you bought, it's pregnant.
"Look left.
" Your move, Howard.
It's just a little ploy of mine.
Mm-hm.
Now Pearl's seen you pass the house, she knows that you've gone to me, not me that's gone to you.
Therefore I can't be up to anything.
What ARE you up to, Howard? I was wondering if you could recommend a really quiet pub.
That's a contradiction in terms, these days.
They're all named after badly-kempt Irishmen, with ambience to match.
Like some really remote country pub.
Somewhere a nature lover could relax for an hour in the country.
Or evenTWO nature lovers.
Well, it's not impossible to bump accidentally into people.
I mean, where's the harm in a shared bar meal? A shared bar meal, Howard? People are stoned for that in some countries.
Wouldn't a picnic be safer? We tried that.
I got something uninvited up me shorts.
IT can't have been too impressed either.
I came out in blebs.
Fortunately, where Pearl wouldn't notice.
The Waggoners.
Oh, yes! That's way out.
If there's anybody there they won't be from round here.
That sounds ideal, Cleggy.
If anyone wonders what Howard's doing out there, I'll say I like the beer.
They serve terrible beer.
That's why there's nobody there.
I wouldn't say terrible.
It's an acquired taste.
They said there was a depression moving in from the Atlantic.
I didn't realise it was you, Billy.
My ancestor Robin Hood would turn in his grave.
We get such a low calibre of thief these days.
Don't say that.
They'll start offering GCSEs in it.
Seen the national crime figures for this half-year? Yes.
They said the soft approach would make a difference.
Should people have something fierce about the house? How IS Mrs Hardcastle? D'you think she'd be enough? For most of us! I suppose that's true.
You have to look on the bright side.
It's nice when a marriage works out as well as yours.
Ooh, you're not what we could call a neat mover.
It's It's heavy for a person with an elongated spine You're making it clear you've never been ballet-trained.
Don't let it go! Oh! OH! I've heard of minibuses, but that's ridiculous.
HE CRIES OUT COCK CROWS GOAT BLEATS Who is it? If you're going to be psychic, you should know who it is.
It's me.
.
.
OWW! What d'you keep door locked for? I get nervous out here.
We're Nature's children.
YOU didn't even know the goat was a female.
With goats, the main place you have to watch is their teeth.
Get Babs out of bed.
She's not IN bed! THAT's a good first move! I like that! We'll have to have more of that, now she's on the brink of her new career.
What career? Showbiz! You are looking at Mr Opportunity here.
I've got her her first gig.
It's not the Palladium, but Close your mouth.
What? Close your mouth and open your ears.
You can do it.
I know listening's not what you do best, but just listen to me.
Babs is not interested in showbiz.
How can you say that? How do YOU know that? Because she's just packed her case and gone back to her mother! You let her go? You let MY star go?! She's me own sister's girl.
I LOVE her! But she's got all the personality of a turnip! In addition to which, she's got NO talents! Oo-oh, WE'RE in a picky mood this morning, aren't we(?) How's she getting home? Getting a lift.
Meeting a friend at the pub.
Which pub? I don't know! I'M not psychic! It's only you who keeps telling people I'm psychic! I'll be off, then.
You're going golfing, Barry.
How d'you guess(?) How can you make a joke of it? It's a sign, Barry.
Of what? This rift between us.
What rift between us? You never used to go golfing BEFORE we were married.
I wasn't in the golf club then.
What is there about marriage that makes men want to go out and whack a little ball? Where did we go wrong? We haven't gone wrong.
You ARE coming back, aren't you, Barry? You haven't got all your worldly goods? You're in love with SOMETHING at the office.
The new fax machine.
I LOVE the new fax machine.
This isn't just a ploy, is it? You ARE coming back? If I ever get off, I'm coming back.
I mean today.
Not in eight years' time, with some excuse about having lost your memory.
I'll be home for lunch.
It's only salad.
I'll be home anyway.
As long as you're sure.
I'm not washing lettuce for two if you're not coming back.
I'll be back.
And, this afternoon, I'll take you somewhere really special.
Is that a promise? Yes.
You're feeling guilty, Barry! Why are you feeling guilty? Penny for them? I was thinking nature is providential, in arranging that if you need to subdue a person, he'll have several places ideal for the purpose.
Spare me the details.
Handy in an emergency.
Surprising what tunes can be wrung from a person if you get the right grip.
I'm not cut out for emergencies.
I had to retake my honeymoon.
Hello, Barry.
Hello, Barry.
I need to speak to someone of long experience.
A man of the world.
Him.
I'm your man, lad.
What seems to be the problem? I feel so guilty.
Oh, there's a cure for that.
We take you in a room, read you your rights.
You sign a bit of paper, it's done.
It's nothing criminal.
Don't worry about that - we'll find something.
I feel guilty about golf.
The only proper attitude, in my opinion.
It's Glenda.
SHE makes me feel guilty.
That rings a bell.
I'm sure I came across a chap who cured his wife of that.
Simpsonor was it Simpkins? What did he do? Buried her in the garden, actually.
Barry's not got the room.
HORN TOOTS I'm on the verge of a breakthrough here, and the talent's gone missing.
Slow down, lad.
Relax.
Your father had the gift.
Where did it get HIM?! Into a few places that surprised all of us.
Nora Batty could tell you that! Is that the one that smiles at me? That's her.
He must've had some nerve.
I need to find Babs urgently.
She's meeting someone in a pub.
Want folk finding? You're in the right place.
We enjoy the thrill of the chase.
Barry can drive.
I should run it past Glenda.
Good lad.
I'll check the pubs that way.
You check this.
Babs! You're taking me to licensed premises during the hours of daylight? Without disguise? I'm taking you to a little pub.
(We'll have a bar meal.
) I don't have to wear face bandages and pretend I've been in an accident? That wasn't a good idea.
Oh, Howard You're taking me out, unbandaged, to a public place.
You see? You said I never would.
You're going to throw caution to the winds and risk someone being there? I'll throw caution to the winds, AND risk somebody being there.
Oh, Howard It'll be SO nice, your not having to feed me through a tube.
You see how exciting it is, Barry? "The thrill of the chase"? Huh.
Truly said you'd enjoy it.
You can't help noticing what a nice morning it is for golf.
I hope Glenda never learns you're out scouring the town looking for lost women.
How would she hear that? Not from me.
Well, I'm not too comfy with it either.
You see, Barry, the trouble with looking for lost women is, if your luck runs out, you could find one.
She's not there.
Let's try the next one.
Think we'll be doing showbiz a favour if we find her? Babs, I mean.
For entertainment, she could come second to a Stop sign in a blackout.
That's because she frightens you.
She frightens ME.
Not the kind you can easily arrange a mortgage for.
That type go for older men with their own houses.
Tell her I've got woodworm.
The house is no better.
Now, I need costumes for one female entertainer, and I want you to transform this woman into something mystical and strange.
Strange won't be a problem.
I'm not REALLY mystical.
I'm much happier doing housework.
That was to be our secret.
Then there's the other problem.
What problem's that? Who's paying for all this? We're not buying, we're hiring.
It'll come out of the proceeds, won't it? What about security? And I shall need a deposit.
I can take HIM.
HE can work the crowd for you, circulating leaflets on your behalf.
Oh D'you think you could do that? Do what? Circulate a few leaflets round the crowd.
Oh Don't worry, I'll soon get him going.
It's more than I'VE managed.
Can't I circulate the leaflets? Let HIM be the gypsy.
He looks more mystical than I do.
That's not mystery, that's MISERY.
He's too tall for a gypsy.
They never go that far from their back pockets.
NOISY CHATTER AND LAUGHTER It's known locally as "The Blood and Bucket".
Bet they don't do nouvelle cuisine! I bet they don't do the Geneva Convention.
If you wear a suit in these places, the trick is to look like it's been stolen.
I really like golf.
I'm liking golf more all the time.
Oh, come on, be fair.
Finding people is very interesting.
Finding them ALIVE would be nice.
(You're making the lad nervous.
) I wouldn't say nervous.
Petrified is closer.
It's all right, Barry.
I've spent my life asking questions in rough streets.
Shouldn't we raise a white flag, or something? All right, then, off you go, Barry.
See if she's there.
Me?! Why me? I look too much like a policeman.
If I go in asking questions, people will only lie.
They'll only steal your wallet.
If ever I get home, I'm never going out again.
I'll surf the Internet.
Catch 'em off guard while they're distracted, going through your pockets.
Ask your questions then.
WOMEN SCREAM LOUD CRASH 'Two teas, please, Ivy.
' Oh, he IS like his father.
He gives me cold shivers.
(.
.
Listen who's talking!) Two teas, the animal ordered.
What will YOU have? Are you listening, Waldo? It's the thing that Waldo's noticed most since we came up here.
The sense of humour.
Tight with their money, but free with the funnies.
Waldo's noticed? Never misses a trick.
He looks like her from the dry-cleaner's.
Same hairdresser(!) Does he take sugar(?) One of those is for my associate, Mrs Avery.
She's outside, distributing announcements.
She'll be in soonfor private consultations.
Advice on affairs of the heart.
Has she anything for arthritis? Or blebs in wallpaper? You're giving up too soon, ladies.
Mr Right could still be out there.
And he'll be STOPPING out there.
What announcement's she distributing? Sensational new singing act, appearing at this venue for one engagement only.
Tell your friends.
Oh, I'd love to come.
I could never refuse your father anything.
Don't lie! You always kept him at arm's length.
Needed to be further than that.
But I could never refuse him anythingat a safe distance.
Ah.
Well, now, I can either pay cash, or in return for your delicious all-day breakfast, Mrs Avery could probe the mysteries of the infinite for you.
Cash! It's wonderful what they can do with wood stain, these days.
I thought she was paler.
I AM paler than this.
It's HIS idea.
I'm supposed to look mystic East.
You look great, love! I look like a badly smoked kipper! They go a bundle on kippers in this area.
Oh, Loli Trust me.
I've done the market research.
These things aren't left to chance.
Besides, if we don't find Babs, YOU are gonna have to go and do your seven veils.
I aren't wearing seven.
Well, the shorter version.
(I told you last time!) I'm not doing that any more! Don't like people seeing my appendix scar.
If I made it look like a snake, we could bring it into the act.
NO! Never again.
Never.
Can you do bird impressions? I want us to settle down and have a normal life.
I AM working on it.
I'd be good to a fitted kitchen.
I could go back to me own colour.
You'd have no cause for complaints about my work surfaces.
I never HAD.
Nobody cares about your appendix scar.
I do! I'd like it back where it belongs.
Under a nicely starched apron.
Relax, love.
What trouble can your Barry have got into? I wish I could've found someone so backward at being forward.
With skirts THAT tight, you weren't looking for backward.
The good ones need a jump-start.
I hadn't bargained for the emergency services always arriving first.
I rang the golf club.
He's not there.
You've had a row.
NotREALLY a row.
Well, that's it, then.
He's off sulking.
They have their favourite sulking places to go to.
Usually with women.
Oh! Oh, I was only joking.
He's not the type for other women.
He works for a building society.
They're ALL the type.
Unless it's your Wesley, who isn't interested, unless they've parts he can undo with his spanner.
I don't know where he is.
One thing I AM sure of, my Barry's not with other women.
He's allergic to other women.
He has to start training in October, just to get through the office Xmas party! You did a great job finding Babs, Barry! A service which cries out for some token of recognition.
I'd be happy with a game of golf.
We'll do better.
I'm hoping to catch a glimpse of the spotted hedge creeper.
You usually do.
She's been spotted creeping from hedges more than a few times.
Well, I must be off.
It could probably be a long, hard day.
And YOU could be in for a long, hard night, if you come back with any feathers on you.
Come on, Barry, let's be away.
Before BABS reappears.
You don't think they're keeping Barry prisoner in that bus? Why don't you go and find out? No! We'll give him a few more days.
You're getting a thing about that girl.
She's just one of today's young women.
Terrifying, isn't it? Do I hear applause? Is this showbiz or IS this showbiz? When you get that touch of something slightly menacing to go with it, to set off your femininity.
Femininity?! If they don't shave, that's as close as girls get.
You're not sensitive to my needs.
So I miss one, occasionally.
I'm still waiting for that eternity ring.
Well, if it's for eternity, what's the hurry? I haven't a decent set of place mats and these earrings are heavy.
They look great - leave 'em on.
Oh.
I suppose it's OK if they drag me underwater(!) Why should you be in water? What if a bridge collapses and I end up in a river, or something? I'll tell you what.
THEN you can take 'em off.
Don't you think somebody ought to check on Barry? I only ask on account of his tendency to get talked into things.
As we ALL do, short of actually spending money.
Look at THIS! I hope Glenda's not got company.
Didn't he used to ride with the Lone Ranger? Be fair.
He's still more feminine than Babs.
That's it! That's terrific, Barry! You've got just the required air of menace.
Do you need the glasses? I do! I DO need the glasses.
Haven't you got a more sinister pair? Another pair like this.
Can you look vicious? Short-sighted, but vicious.
How far is it to the pub, Howard? Nobody's going to see us out here.
Just a couple of bird-watchers dropping in for a bar meal.
We'll NEED a meal! If you see anybody, they'll all be strangers.
Any further, they'll be foreigners! If anybody asks, just remember what we're looking for.
Could that be romance, Howard? Mad, stolen moments.
Actually, it's the spotted hedge creeper.
Try and commit that to memory.
It's our cover story.
Look for what you want.
I'll keep looking for what every girl wants.
In moderation, of course.
Lucky I were passing.
Oh, how long's it going to take? You can't put a time on these things.
TRY.
Ask Mrs Avery.
She's psychic.
I don't care if it NEVER starts.
I like it here.
It's nice country.
We ARE stopping here.
The damn van's putting down roots! I was supposed to be playing golf.
I wouldn't go in THAT rig, Barry.
You won't get through the clubhouse without a tie.
TOOTS HORN Hey-up, Barry, don't forget your guitar.
Haven't ridden this for a while, but as it's an emergency It certainly FEELS like an emergency.
I think this is ideal.
Just a few customersand us.
The landlord KNOWS we're just bird-watchers.
He ought to.
You left bird-watching books on his counter.
Just a little deception.
You're wicked, Howard! Bringing a girl to these remote places.
It's in quiet places like this that people can have quiet conversations.
He's talking me into something.
No, he's not.
Correction.
No, he's not.
We can just enjoy the privacy.
And the quiet TUNELESS SHOUTING # DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME, BABY? COS I REALLY LOVE YOU! # COME ON AND LOVE ME LO-O-OVE! # D'you think we need new material? Maybe it was the frock.
Voice were clashing with the frock.
Talking of clashes Barry! He's NEVER been golfing! I've heard of being in the ROUGH but that's overdoing it.
SHE wants to stop.
But what d'you do round here? I dunno, but the days soon go.
But they go as well here as anywhere.
We're not ALWAYS so quiet.
You'll see, come buttercup milking.
Come WHAT? It's all go then.
Dawn till dusk.
It's not all work, mind you.
There's dancing and singing in the fields.
Crowning the buttercup queen.
The hills are alive to the sound of music.
And leather trousers.
You'll need a set of bells.
For what? Your trousers.
We wear bells that week.
You're pulling me chain.
For that week only, bells are compulsory.
No male is allowed to move unless he tinkles.
It all goes back to the Dark Ages.
They were desperate to find some way to stop bumping into each other.
I'll have to watch meself round here.