South Park s21e09 Episode Script
SUPER HARD PCness
1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine Welcome to Netflix.
Last year, we approved 16 original shows and movies, That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working with you two comedy geniuses, Terrance and Phillip.
[FARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Classic stuff.
Now go ahead and pitch what you're thinking for your Netflix original series.
Well, we were thinking that we'd do a show where Phillip and I are on a farm.
With a cow.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, I love it so far.
The sun is just starting to come up, and then I fart on Phillip.
And I say, "Terrance! You farted!" And I fart on Terrance.
And then it's like a back and forth kind of thing? It's sort of like a It's like a back and forth kind of thing.
I fart on him.
He farts on On you.
Got it.
No! On the cow.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Welcome to Netflix, you sons a bitches! Yeah! Hooray.
Hooray.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[CHILDREN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY.]
Come on, Tweek! Hurry! What's going on? TWEEK: Cartman and his girlfriend are fighting again! [CARTMAN GRUNTING.]
God damn it.
Sweetheart! Piece of shit! [CARTMAN GRUNTING.]
Honey! I wanna watch "Terrance and Phillip" tonight with my friends! You promised we'd have a date night! Ugh! It's just one night, babe! Stan is having a viewing party, honey! [GRUNTS.]
So then why can't I come?! "Terrance and Phillip" is guys' night thing baby! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you all doing?! Watching Heidi get her bitch-ass kicked! [BLEEP.]
you, Wendy! Don't take that crap, Heidi! Let Cartman have it! Guys! Guys, this has gone on way too long! Can't we all stop being so mean to each other? Shut up, Kyle.
You sound like your mom.
[LAUGHTER.]
That was awesome, baby.
I love you.
I love you, too, babe.
Aww Damn it.
Fights over.
Kyle ruined it! All right, everyone.
Listen up.
As you know, there has been a lot of bullying and insensitivity at our school.
To counteract this, it is my firm belief that South Park Elementary is in desperate need of a strong woman.
So in looking for a new vice principal, we wanted to find a powerful, intelligent, and independent female to be a role model for us all.
And with that said, I'd like to introduce our new vice principal Strong Woman.
[CLAPS.]
Thank you, PC Principal.
All right, everyone.
Listen up.
I'm the new vice principal of the school.
My name is Strong Woman.
I've already spent a few days here at the school watching and observing, and we definitely have things we can all be working on.
Hey! Stotch! You do not disrespect Strong Woman by talking when she's talking.
You really think I couldn't have handled that myself? Oh! Uh, I was just making sure everything was You really had to grab the mic out of my hand like that? Shit.
I mean No, sorry.
Sorry, I'm not Uh, here you go.
I want the girls here at this school to know that they can talk to me about anything.
But I also want the boys to know that what I'm looking for is a better place for everybody.
Turning this school around is going to take work from everyone.
From everyone.
I'm sorry.
Am I not doing this correctly? No.
No.
Sorry! I thought I'd add Just add for emphasis.
You felt it wasn't strong enough, me saying it? No, I'm Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm looking forward to being your vice principal.
And I'm looking forward to turning this school around.
All right.
Now, if we have any Que I'm not finished.
Right! Oh, I'm sorry.
Pay attention, everybody! It's "The Terrance & Phillip Show!" On Netflix.
Hey, Terrance! What did the black lawyer say to the Muslim priest? I don't know, Phillip.
What? [FARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Come in! - [DOOR OPENS.]
Did we miss it? It's just starting.
Oh, look, honey Kyle's mom is here! Shouldn't you be at Temple, Ms.
Broflovski? [LAUGHTER.]
Hola.
Would you like to buy some chimichangas? SÃ, mi amigo! Here.
I'll give you two pesos.
- [FARTS.]
- [FARTS.]
[LAUGHING AND FARTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Dude, that's awesome! [LAUGHTER.]
Wha-What's wrong, dude? For the first time, I feel kinda bad for the person being farted on.
Ohp.
Kyle's mom doesn't like the cartoon, guys.
- Better shut it off.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Baby, I [BLEEP.]
love you so much.
All right, everyone.
Listen up.
As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the roll of vice principal at this school.
We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made, and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place.
So with that, let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal Strong Woman.
[APPLAUSE.]
Thanks, everyone.
All right.
Listen up.
I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here.
Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me Miss Woman or just Strong.
If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why would it should it be any different, huh? - We good? - M'kay.
So I've been getting to know some of the students here, and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now.
I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language.
[HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH'S "HOLD MY HAND" PLAYS.]
Not sure if any of you have noticed, - With a little love - but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches - And some tenderness - out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created.
- We'll walk upon the water - It's my intention to make the cafeteria We'll rise above the mess - With a little peace - P.
E.
class is another huge problem at this school.
- And some harmony - The girls' gym outfits - We'll take the world together - seem not to have been updated since the '60s.
We have a lot of work to do here, I intend to do it quickly.
Excuse me.
I-I'm sorry, but, uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie and the Blowfish like very, very softly? 'Cause I wanna run with you Yeah, yeah.
I hear it.
It's-It's coming from over here somewhere.
Excuse me, everyone.
I, um I need to get to the restroom.
Sorry.
I'll be right back.
[CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING.]
[FARTS, LAUGHS.]
- [FARTS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Hold on, hold on.
Over here.
Over here.
[FARTING.]
- [FARTS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[FARTING, LAUGHING.]
- Join together, let no man - [FARTS.]
Ugh! MAN: That's it.
That's it, Kyle.
No more.
No more of them doody jokes.
No more watching cartoons of people People having to go doody, and poo-pooing on each other's heads.
It's not funny anymore, is it, Kyle? [HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH'S "HOLD MY HAND" PLAYS.]
With a little love [MUSIC PLAYS MUFFLED.]
And some tenderness [MUSIC PLAYS NORMALLY.]
[MUFFLED.]
We'll walk upon the water [MUSIC STOPS.]
Hello there, Mister Principal, is it? That's right.
I'm PC Principal.
What's bringing you in today? I'm, uh, having this problem with my ears.
There's like a persistent kind of a ringing going on.
Okay.
Can you describe the ringing? It's, uh, Hootie and the Blowfish.
You're hearing a song? Yeah, um, [CLEARS THROAT.]
there's a new woman that has joined our faculty.
Her name is Strong Woman.
And, uh, she seems to have set off some kind of device in my ears.
So, maybe you're having some feelings for her.
No, that couldn't be it.
We work in the same place, so it'd be impossible for me to like her.
I'm thinking there must be some kind of device in my ears.
Well, I looked, and Hootie and the Blowfish aren't in your ears.
I believe your hearing them in your mind and your heart.
Oh.
dude.
Bro.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
STRONG WOMAN: You may enter.
Vice Principal Woman? Yes? What can I do for you? My name's Kyle, and I've been doing a lot of changing lately.
I came because I might be able to offer some insight into our problems here.
Please.
By all means.
You see, there's a culture at this school that embraces meanness, and I believe now it comes from a Canadian TV show.
All the boys watch it.
I did, too.
We all laughed while they farted on innocent people's heads.
The thing is I never felt for the person being farted on until now.
I want to work with you to try open people's eyes.
Because I get it now.
You want to blame farts? That seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? What? I mean, it's a slippery slope when we start pointing the finger for our own short comings.
But But I thought for sure you would be on my side.
Kind of sounds like something my mother would say, actually.
What?! Oh, forget it! CARTMAN: May I have your attention please? Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
HEIDI: [LAUGHS.]
Come on.
We gotta get outta here! [GROWLS.]
Hold my hand Want you to hold my hand Hold my hand You wanted to see me, PC Principal? - I'll take you to - Oh, yes! Yes, Mackey, uh I just wanted to see how you thought it was going with Strong Woman.
Well, she seems to be acclimating fine, m'kay.
The kids really respect her.
Do you know, um Do you know if Strong Woman has a boyfriend? What?! Nothing.
Just forget it.
Are you out of your [BLEEP.]
mind?! Askin' if a co-worker is available in today's times?! I just wanted to know because if she's unavailable, then maybe I can get my head off of her, all right?! Oh, boy, this is bad.
This is real bad.
I don't know how it happened.
I know it's inappropriate, and yet I can't stop thinking about her.
I think I'm sick.
Look, this is real [BLEEP.]
fire you're playin' with, m'kay? I'm gonna get someone down here from HR! HR? Is that, like, Hootie removal? No, HumaResources! The people that come in to make sure everything's kept on the level.
We gotta get you back on track! Is Canada a bad influence on the United States? A group of young people called "Millennials Against Canada" think so, and we are joined by their leader, Kyle Broflovski.
Thanks for having me, Tom.
Young man, you say Canada is to blame for most of our problems.
All I'm saying is that there's a culture that originates from Canada which is at least partly to blame for the state of our country now.
To respond to this, we're now joined by the Canadian Minister of Streaming.
Thanks for having me, buddy.
Minister, how do you answer to these angry millennials? Well, they're pissed off because their country sucks, so they wanna point the finger at us.
I'm saying we're all guilty, too.
I grew up watching Terrance and Phillip, and I thought it was funny.
So, you thought it was funny, but now it's not funny? No, it was never funny.
I see it differently now! Oh, so you want to censor it? We don't want to censor it, we just want to get rid of it! Uh-huh.
You sound like a Jewish Mother.
Oh, see?! That's what I'm talking about right there! That kind of mean, degrading, Canadian trash.
Now, I resent that! I find that racist.
Canadians should care about the rest of the world! You are a racist, fwiend! And if you have a problem with Canada, maybe you should talk to your backward president! - Maybe I will! - 'Kay, go ahead! Maybe I know the president.
Oh, sure you do, just like all Jewish moms because you don't understand how - Stop calling me that! - Can I finish?! That's all you know is how to be mean and There's not a Can I finish please?! Because you were all raised on it yourselves! Please, can I finish?! All right, I'm finished.
All right, everyone, listen up.
As you know we want to provide a safe work environment for all our employees.
Sometimes feelings do arise and we are tempted by the devil to act upon them.
So we've been reaching out to Human Resources Division as I think we can all use someone to tell us about what is and isn't considered misconduct.
She has some great advice for us, so now please welcome Heather Conduct.
Go ahead, Miss Conduct.
Hello, everyone, my name is Miss Conduct.
I'm here to talk about making sure we avoid any trouble at this school, m'all right? - M'kay.
- M'all right.
Now, by a show of hands, who's ever had inappropriate feelings for a co-worker? Well, hello there, little girl.
Are you selling girl scout cookies? Why, yes I am.
How about a snickerdoodle? All right.
You asked for it.
[FARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! Oh, I think I shit my pants.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
All right! That's it! Everyone stop! We're shutting it down! We are Millennials Against Canada! We demand this kind of bullying Canadian entertainment be stopped! Didn't think I'd live long enough to see this all happen again.
More and More millennials are turning into Jewish mothers today as they demand the censorship of entertainment.
The protesters say they're not giving up and are demanding to speak with the president of the United States.
[CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Here you go! Call is coming in on your phone! Good give it here! Yes, hello? This is the leader of the Millennials Against Canada.
Kyle, what the [BLEEP.]
are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry I'm taking a stand and doing something.
I realize this doesn't gel with your nihilism! Okay, dude.
I didn't want to have say this, but you're really starting to sound like your mom.
I'm not like my mom! I'm gonna make a difference! It's gonna feel real good! Kyle? Kyle! Don't do this man! You can't mess with this shit while You Know Who is in office! We're all gonna die!! M'all right, so now everyone, we're gonna do some role playing, m'all right, talk about appropriate ways we can talk in the workplace.
Can I Can I get a volunteer to role play with me? M'all right? How about you Mister, uh Mr.
Mackey.
M'all right, come on up here.
M'all right now, we're just gonna pretend it's a normal morning before work and we're startin' the day.
M'all right? Oh, Mr.
Mackey, good morning.
Good morning, uh, Miss Conduct.
Now did you have a nice night? Yeah, yeah, it was good.
M'all right, okay, well, good luck today, and I hope that our working relationship can continue be honest and straightforward.
Oh, I'm very open and honest, I promise you that.
I can see that, you've got very honest eyes, m'all right.
M'all right, I probably shouldn't have said "You have honest eyes," m'all right.
That's a bit crossin' the line commenting on his physical attributes, m'all right? That's bad.
I'm gonna stick to just talking about work only, m'all right? So, uh, Mr.
Mackey, what methods do you use for counseling the students? Oh, I mostly use a semi-cognitive approach adapted by Kiezrick Solomon.
Wow, you studied Solomon? He was actually my thesis in college.
Are you serious? Nobody I talk to has ever even heard of him! No! Same here! What made you attracted to his work? Well, it's just such a natural approach, m'kay.
M'all right.
M'all right.
When I read it, you know, first, I was like, - "Whoa, okay.
" - M'all right.
"This just really makes sense," you know? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, m'all right.
Mmm'kay.
M'all right.
Mister President, you need to do something about your millennials! What do you want me to do? Terrance and Phillip are Canada's largest export! They account for 80% of our gross national product! If your citizens mess with them, they mess with all of us.
Look, I'm president of the United States.
I can't get involved in every petty little protest against a third world country.
Third world country?! How dare you! Canada is second world at least! Now, you listen here, Mr.
Buddy! Either you stop the embargo on the "Terrance and Phillip show," or we'll bring in our own troops to stop it ourselves! Are you threatening us, you beady-eyed Canuck? I'm simply telling you that Canada will do what it must to protect itself! Then I guess both our countries better be prepared.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
And then, you know, I was looking for something to get away from the city.
I've never really been a city person.
M'all right.
M'all right.
I definitely get that.
M'all right.
I like hiking around, being around in nature, m'kay.
I agree, I agree, the city's bad.
I love hiking, too.
What are some of your favorite places? Well you know Mount Evans is always nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
M'all right.
M'all right.
[SIREN WAILING.]
[ALARM BELL RINGS.]
What the hell is that? There's some kind of military alert going out.
All right, military alert everyone.
Let's get to the hallways and get the students to the gymnasium.
Come on.
Let's move! [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
It's the National Guard! The National Guard?! It's the President! He wants to talk to you.
Yes, this is Millennials Against Canada.
Yeah, listen this thing is kind of escalating.
You people need to call it quits.
We can't do that, Mr.
President.
Someone has to do what's right! What exactly do you want? What do I want?! I want a world where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense, where people can live freely without fear of being farted on.
I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help! A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be erased from the Earth! Geez, I got a little chub.
[CHILDREN SCREAMING.]
Let's go! Everyone to the gymnasium now! You heard her! Move it people! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
I have to make sure all the classrooms are empty.
You go take cover with the kids! I'm coming, too! I'm your Vice Principal! All right, come on! - Oh, no.
- What's wrong? Vice Principal Woman, I need to ask you something.
- Okay.
- This is very difficult, but, uh What? What?! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, as you can see, there is a door in front of us.
Yes, there is.
I would like to open this door for you, however I understand the gender-based biases that this could imply.
Why do you need to open the door? I don't need to open the door.
I'd just be opening it and holding it the same way I would for counselor Mackey, a student, or anyone else.
Somebody's going to have to open the door, or we could die out here.
With a little love and some tenderness We'll walk upon the water Will rise above the mess We'll take the world together [MISSILE WHISTLING.]
We'll take 'em by the hand 'Cause I've got a hand for you 'Cause I wanna run with you Yesterday I saw you standing there Your head was down, your eyes were red No comb had touched your hair I said get up, and let me see you smile We'll take a walk together Walk the road a while CARTMAN: May I have your attention please? Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Last year, we approved 16 original shows and movies, That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working with you two comedy geniuses, Terrance and Phillip.
[FARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Classic stuff.
Now go ahead and pitch what you're thinking for your Netflix original series.
Well, we were thinking that we'd do a show where Phillip and I are on a farm.
With a cow.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, I love it so far.
The sun is just starting to come up, and then I fart on Phillip.
And I say, "Terrance! You farted!" And I fart on Terrance.
And then it's like a back and forth kind of thing? It's sort of like a It's like a back and forth kind of thing.
I fart on him.
He farts on On you.
Got it.
No! On the cow.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Welcome to Netflix, you sons a bitches! Yeah! Hooray.
Hooray.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[CHILDREN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY.]
Come on, Tweek! Hurry! What's going on? TWEEK: Cartman and his girlfriend are fighting again! [CARTMAN GRUNTING.]
God damn it.
Sweetheart! Piece of shit! [CARTMAN GRUNTING.]
Honey! I wanna watch "Terrance and Phillip" tonight with my friends! You promised we'd have a date night! Ugh! It's just one night, babe! Stan is having a viewing party, honey! [GRUNTS.]
So then why can't I come?! "Terrance and Phillip" is guys' night thing baby! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you all doing?! Watching Heidi get her bitch-ass kicked! [BLEEP.]
you, Wendy! Don't take that crap, Heidi! Let Cartman have it! Guys! Guys, this has gone on way too long! Can't we all stop being so mean to each other? Shut up, Kyle.
You sound like your mom.
[LAUGHTER.]
That was awesome, baby.
I love you.
I love you, too, babe.
Aww Damn it.
Fights over.
Kyle ruined it! All right, everyone.
Listen up.
As you know, there has been a lot of bullying and insensitivity at our school.
To counteract this, it is my firm belief that South Park Elementary is in desperate need of a strong woman.
So in looking for a new vice principal, we wanted to find a powerful, intelligent, and independent female to be a role model for us all.
And with that said, I'd like to introduce our new vice principal Strong Woman.
[CLAPS.]
Thank you, PC Principal.
All right, everyone.
Listen up.
I'm the new vice principal of the school.
My name is Strong Woman.
I've already spent a few days here at the school watching and observing, and we definitely have things we can all be working on.
Hey! Stotch! You do not disrespect Strong Woman by talking when she's talking.
You really think I couldn't have handled that myself? Oh! Uh, I was just making sure everything was You really had to grab the mic out of my hand like that? Shit.
I mean No, sorry.
Sorry, I'm not Uh, here you go.
I want the girls here at this school to know that they can talk to me about anything.
But I also want the boys to know that what I'm looking for is a better place for everybody.
Turning this school around is going to take work from everyone.
From everyone.
I'm sorry.
Am I not doing this correctly? No.
No.
Sorry! I thought I'd add Just add for emphasis.
You felt it wasn't strong enough, me saying it? No, I'm Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm looking forward to being your vice principal.
And I'm looking forward to turning this school around.
All right.
Now, if we have any Que I'm not finished.
Right! Oh, I'm sorry.
Pay attention, everybody! It's "The Terrance & Phillip Show!" On Netflix.
Hey, Terrance! What did the black lawyer say to the Muslim priest? I don't know, Phillip.
What? [FARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Come in! - [DOOR OPENS.]
Did we miss it? It's just starting.
Oh, look, honey Kyle's mom is here! Shouldn't you be at Temple, Ms.
Broflovski? [LAUGHTER.]
Hola.
Would you like to buy some chimichangas? SÃ, mi amigo! Here.
I'll give you two pesos.
- [FARTS.]
- [FARTS.]
[LAUGHING AND FARTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Dude, that's awesome! [LAUGHTER.]
Wha-What's wrong, dude? For the first time, I feel kinda bad for the person being farted on.
Ohp.
Kyle's mom doesn't like the cartoon, guys.
- Better shut it off.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Baby, I [BLEEP.]
love you so much.
All right, everyone.
Listen up.
As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the roll of vice principal at this school.
We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made, and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place.
So with that, let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal Strong Woman.
[APPLAUSE.]
Thanks, everyone.
All right.
Listen up.
I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here.
Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me Miss Woman or just Strong.
If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why would it should it be any different, huh? - We good? - M'kay.
So I've been getting to know some of the students here, and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now.
I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language.
[HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH'S "HOLD MY HAND" PLAYS.]
Not sure if any of you have noticed, - With a little love - but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches - And some tenderness - out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created.
- We'll walk upon the water - It's my intention to make the cafeteria We'll rise above the mess - With a little peace - P.
E.
class is another huge problem at this school.
- And some harmony - The girls' gym outfits - We'll take the world together - seem not to have been updated since the '60s.
We have a lot of work to do here, I intend to do it quickly.
Excuse me.
I-I'm sorry, but, uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie and the Blowfish like very, very softly? 'Cause I wanna run with you Yeah, yeah.
I hear it.
It's-It's coming from over here somewhere.
Excuse me, everyone.
I, um I need to get to the restroom.
Sorry.
I'll be right back.
[CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING.]
[FARTS, LAUGHS.]
- [FARTS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Hold on, hold on.
Over here.
Over here.
[FARTING.]
- [FARTS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[FARTING, LAUGHING.]
- Join together, let no man - [FARTS.]
Ugh! MAN: That's it.
That's it, Kyle.
No more.
No more of them doody jokes.
No more watching cartoons of people People having to go doody, and poo-pooing on each other's heads.
It's not funny anymore, is it, Kyle? [HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH'S "HOLD MY HAND" PLAYS.]
With a little love [MUSIC PLAYS MUFFLED.]
And some tenderness [MUSIC PLAYS NORMALLY.]
[MUFFLED.]
We'll walk upon the water [MUSIC STOPS.]
Hello there, Mister Principal, is it? That's right.
I'm PC Principal.
What's bringing you in today? I'm, uh, having this problem with my ears.
There's like a persistent kind of a ringing going on.
Okay.
Can you describe the ringing? It's, uh, Hootie and the Blowfish.
You're hearing a song? Yeah, um, [CLEARS THROAT.]
there's a new woman that has joined our faculty.
Her name is Strong Woman.
And, uh, she seems to have set off some kind of device in my ears.
So, maybe you're having some feelings for her.
No, that couldn't be it.
We work in the same place, so it'd be impossible for me to like her.
I'm thinking there must be some kind of device in my ears.
Well, I looked, and Hootie and the Blowfish aren't in your ears.
I believe your hearing them in your mind and your heart.
Oh.
dude.
Bro.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
STRONG WOMAN: You may enter.
Vice Principal Woman? Yes? What can I do for you? My name's Kyle, and I've been doing a lot of changing lately.
I came because I might be able to offer some insight into our problems here.
Please.
By all means.
You see, there's a culture at this school that embraces meanness, and I believe now it comes from a Canadian TV show.
All the boys watch it.
I did, too.
We all laughed while they farted on innocent people's heads.
The thing is I never felt for the person being farted on until now.
I want to work with you to try open people's eyes.
Because I get it now.
You want to blame farts? That seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? What? I mean, it's a slippery slope when we start pointing the finger for our own short comings.
But But I thought for sure you would be on my side.
Kind of sounds like something my mother would say, actually.
What?! Oh, forget it! CARTMAN: May I have your attention please? Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
HEIDI: [LAUGHS.]
Come on.
We gotta get outta here! [GROWLS.]
Hold my hand Want you to hold my hand Hold my hand You wanted to see me, PC Principal? - I'll take you to - Oh, yes! Yes, Mackey, uh I just wanted to see how you thought it was going with Strong Woman.
Well, she seems to be acclimating fine, m'kay.
The kids really respect her.
Do you know, um Do you know if Strong Woman has a boyfriend? What?! Nothing.
Just forget it.
Are you out of your [BLEEP.]
mind?! Askin' if a co-worker is available in today's times?! I just wanted to know because if she's unavailable, then maybe I can get my head off of her, all right?! Oh, boy, this is bad.
This is real bad.
I don't know how it happened.
I know it's inappropriate, and yet I can't stop thinking about her.
I think I'm sick.
Look, this is real [BLEEP.]
fire you're playin' with, m'kay? I'm gonna get someone down here from HR! HR? Is that, like, Hootie removal? No, HumaResources! The people that come in to make sure everything's kept on the level.
We gotta get you back on track! Is Canada a bad influence on the United States? A group of young people called "Millennials Against Canada" think so, and we are joined by their leader, Kyle Broflovski.
Thanks for having me, Tom.
Young man, you say Canada is to blame for most of our problems.
All I'm saying is that there's a culture that originates from Canada which is at least partly to blame for the state of our country now.
To respond to this, we're now joined by the Canadian Minister of Streaming.
Thanks for having me, buddy.
Minister, how do you answer to these angry millennials? Well, they're pissed off because their country sucks, so they wanna point the finger at us.
I'm saying we're all guilty, too.
I grew up watching Terrance and Phillip, and I thought it was funny.
So, you thought it was funny, but now it's not funny? No, it was never funny.
I see it differently now! Oh, so you want to censor it? We don't want to censor it, we just want to get rid of it! Uh-huh.
You sound like a Jewish Mother.
Oh, see?! That's what I'm talking about right there! That kind of mean, degrading, Canadian trash.
Now, I resent that! I find that racist.
Canadians should care about the rest of the world! You are a racist, fwiend! And if you have a problem with Canada, maybe you should talk to your backward president! - Maybe I will! - 'Kay, go ahead! Maybe I know the president.
Oh, sure you do, just like all Jewish moms because you don't understand how - Stop calling me that! - Can I finish?! That's all you know is how to be mean and There's not a Can I finish please?! Because you were all raised on it yourselves! Please, can I finish?! All right, I'm finished.
All right, everyone, listen up.
As you know we want to provide a safe work environment for all our employees.
Sometimes feelings do arise and we are tempted by the devil to act upon them.
So we've been reaching out to Human Resources Division as I think we can all use someone to tell us about what is and isn't considered misconduct.
She has some great advice for us, so now please welcome Heather Conduct.
Go ahead, Miss Conduct.
Hello, everyone, my name is Miss Conduct.
I'm here to talk about making sure we avoid any trouble at this school, m'all right? - M'kay.
- M'all right.
Now, by a show of hands, who's ever had inappropriate feelings for a co-worker? Well, hello there, little girl.
Are you selling girl scout cookies? Why, yes I am.
How about a snickerdoodle? All right.
You asked for it.
[FARTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! Oh, I think I shit my pants.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
All right! That's it! Everyone stop! We're shutting it down! We are Millennials Against Canada! We demand this kind of bullying Canadian entertainment be stopped! Didn't think I'd live long enough to see this all happen again.
More and More millennials are turning into Jewish mothers today as they demand the censorship of entertainment.
The protesters say they're not giving up and are demanding to speak with the president of the United States.
[CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Here you go! Call is coming in on your phone! Good give it here! Yes, hello? This is the leader of the Millennials Against Canada.
Kyle, what the [BLEEP.]
are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry I'm taking a stand and doing something.
I realize this doesn't gel with your nihilism! Okay, dude.
I didn't want to have say this, but you're really starting to sound like your mom.
I'm not like my mom! I'm gonna make a difference! It's gonna feel real good! Kyle? Kyle! Don't do this man! You can't mess with this shit while You Know Who is in office! We're all gonna die!! M'all right, so now everyone, we're gonna do some role playing, m'all right, talk about appropriate ways we can talk in the workplace.
Can I Can I get a volunteer to role play with me? M'all right? How about you Mister, uh Mr.
Mackey.
M'all right, come on up here.
M'all right now, we're just gonna pretend it's a normal morning before work and we're startin' the day.
M'all right? Oh, Mr.
Mackey, good morning.
Good morning, uh, Miss Conduct.
Now did you have a nice night? Yeah, yeah, it was good.
M'all right, okay, well, good luck today, and I hope that our working relationship can continue be honest and straightforward.
Oh, I'm very open and honest, I promise you that.
I can see that, you've got very honest eyes, m'all right.
M'all right, I probably shouldn't have said "You have honest eyes," m'all right.
That's a bit crossin' the line commenting on his physical attributes, m'all right? That's bad.
I'm gonna stick to just talking about work only, m'all right? So, uh, Mr.
Mackey, what methods do you use for counseling the students? Oh, I mostly use a semi-cognitive approach adapted by Kiezrick Solomon.
Wow, you studied Solomon? He was actually my thesis in college.
Are you serious? Nobody I talk to has ever even heard of him! No! Same here! What made you attracted to his work? Well, it's just such a natural approach, m'kay.
M'all right.
M'all right.
When I read it, you know, first, I was like, - "Whoa, okay.
" - M'all right.
"This just really makes sense," you know? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, m'all right.
Mmm'kay.
M'all right.
Mister President, you need to do something about your millennials! What do you want me to do? Terrance and Phillip are Canada's largest export! They account for 80% of our gross national product! If your citizens mess with them, they mess with all of us.
Look, I'm president of the United States.
I can't get involved in every petty little protest against a third world country.
Third world country?! How dare you! Canada is second world at least! Now, you listen here, Mr.
Buddy! Either you stop the embargo on the "Terrance and Phillip show," or we'll bring in our own troops to stop it ourselves! Are you threatening us, you beady-eyed Canuck? I'm simply telling you that Canada will do what it must to protect itself! Then I guess both our countries better be prepared.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
And then, you know, I was looking for something to get away from the city.
I've never really been a city person.
M'all right.
M'all right.
I definitely get that.
M'all right.
I like hiking around, being around in nature, m'kay.
I agree, I agree, the city's bad.
I love hiking, too.
What are some of your favorite places? Well you know Mount Evans is always nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
M'all right.
M'all right.
[SIREN WAILING.]
[ALARM BELL RINGS.]
What the hell is that? There's some kind of military alert going out.
All right, military alert everyone.
Let's get to the hallways and get the students to the gymnasium.
Come on.
Let's move! [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
It's the National Guard! The National Guard?! It's the President! He wants to talk to you.
Yes, this is Millennials Against Canada.
Yeah, listen this thing is kind of escalating.
You people need to call it quits.
We can't do that, Mr.
President.
Someone has to do what's right! What exactly do you want? What do I want?! I want a world where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense, where people can live freely without fear of being farted on.
I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help! A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be erased from the Earth! Geez, I got a little chub.
[CHILDREN SCREAMING.]
Let's go! Everyone to the gymnasium now! You heard her! Move it people! [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
I have to make sure all the classrooms are empty.
You go take cover with the kids! I'm coming, too! I'm your Vice Principal! All right, come on! - Oh, no.
- What's wrong? Vice Principal Woman, I need to ask you something.
- Okay.
- This is very difficult, but, uh What? What?! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, as you can see, there is a door in front of us.
Yes, there is.
I would like to open this door for you, however I understand the gender-based biases that this could imply.
Why do you need to open the door? I don't need to open the door.
I'd just be opening it and holding it the same way I would for counselor Mackey, a student, or anyone else.
Somebody's going to have to open the door, or we could die out here.
With a little love and some tenderness We'll walk upon the water Will rise above the mess We'll take the world together [MISSILE WHISTLING.]
We'll take 'em by the hand 'Cause I've got a hand for you 'Cause I wanna run with you Yesterday I saw you standing there Your head was down, your eyes were red No comb had touched your hair I said get up, and let me see you smile We'll take a walk together Walk the road a while CARTMAN: May I have your attention please? Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Mrs.
Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]