Family Guy s21e10 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy. ♪
We now return to Lassie,
starring Vin Diesel.
What is it, Lassie?
There's a fire down at the old church?
And The Rock won't return
your texts or phone calls?
He totally blew you off backstage
at the Kids' Choice Awards?
Was he hosting or just presenting?
Oh, well, that's why.
Hey, fellas, three more beers
and a Johnnie Wheeler?
Yep.
Man, I love drinking
on a Saturday morning.
Thank God I figured out
how to sneak out of my house.
Has anyone seen your father?
I swear he was just here a minute ago.
- Hi, Dad.
- I'm a waffle.
Peter, you're not going
to The Clam, are you?
Waffle!
Now prepare yourselves
'cause the sun is never brighter
than when you're day-drinking.
Oh, I think I can handle
Aah!
I'm sorry for reading people's mail.
Look, one of them scooters
you see everywhere
what runs by a app.
Boy, if this is what we get,
imagine what the military has.
What?
It's a perfectly reasonable comment.
You know, the military had
the Internet way before we did.
GPS, drones, you name it.
Look around, guys.
It's an amazing time to be alive.
Wonders ♪
We're surrounded by wonders ♪
That phone in your pocket
could power a rocket ♪
But what does the military have? ♪
Joe's song made me
kind of want to try it.
All right, now to scan this simple code
like every middle-aged white guy.
It's not I can't
I'm doing exactly what it said.
I-I Do I take a picture, or?
Is there an actual person I can talk to?
'Cause it's not working.
Oh, okay. No, wait,
now it's doing something.
- Computers, am I right?
- No, you're not.
- "Push off."
- You're choking me.
Holiday road ♪
Holiday road ♪
Holiday road. ♪
Peter, where are we going?
Relax. It's our nation's capital.
I'm just a fan of history.
Peter, what are you up to?
What? I just love our government.
Or at least I used to.
Hey, Cleveland, wake up.
No, don't wake him. Don't wake him.
I don't think he wants to be reminded.
All those in favor of a giant key ring
for our jail cell, say "aye."
Mayor West, four citizens
have gone missing.
They were last seen heading
south on a Bird scooter.
Saddle my horse.
As mayor, I reckon it's my duty
to round up the strays
and bring 'em back to safety.
He-yaw!
Oops, sorry. They-yaw!
Thank you.
Holiday road ♪
Holiday road. ♪
All right, I've been driving
for 18 hours.
Someone else take the wheel Aah!
Loose opioid!
Oh, crap. A alligator.
Oh, hey. Would you consider
not eating us?
Uh yeah. Maybe.
- Oh, thank God.
- I think "maybe" means "no."
He's just being polite.
He's gonna eat us.
Well, look at that,
six summers at Lasso Camp
finally paid off.
That's where you learned
to use the ropes?
No, it was Ted Lasso Camp.
That's where I learned to be nice funny.
Sometimes comedy is building people up.
I know, I know. It's hard to change.
Yep, we're back from space,
everyone. We did it.
They know you weren't in space, Peter.
There are social media posts
of you crying
'cause you couldn't stop a scooter.
But we're still glad you're home.
Boy, Mayor West is a hero,
always saving the day.
One day, I want to be mayor.
Well, Stewie, it's a noble aspiration.
A good start would be
learning about politics
- and getting involved at school.
- Eh, I suppose so.
A vote for Doug is a vote for progress.
Oh, hey, Stewie.
I had no idea I'd run
into the town square
in the Town Square.
Are you gonna go down
the hot metal slide
in shorts again?
Yes, Doug, I made a mistake.
That's how you learn things.
What are those flyers for?
I'm running for preschool snack captain.
Throwing my diaper into the ring.
All the snack captain does
is wear a paper hat
while the teacher passes out
Goldfish crackers.
Sure, but you know what they say.
"Today, snack captain, tomorrow, mayor."
- Mayor?
- This is just a formality.
My opponent Noah got
foot-in-mouth disease,
so I'm running unopposed.
I'd really have to put
my foot in my mouth to lose.
Ho-ho. Is funny because wordplay.
Huh, I guess Fuad still lives in Quahog.
Brian, Stewie Griffin is now
running for snack captain.
And I will defeat that jerk Doug.
Well, we got our fellas back,
and I reached my steps today.
- What's that?
- Oh, it's a watch that tracks
the number of steps I take each day.
Wow.
Wonders ♪
We're surrounded by wonders ♪
Look around and be amazed ♪
That pad on your lap
could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪
But what does the military have? ♪
He was asking too many questions.
All right. Listen, Rupert.
I'm running for snack captain,
and our lives are going to be
under the microscope
more than they ever have before.
So all I'm gonna say is,
I just want to applaud you again
on your commitment to sobriety.
What do you mean "wine doesn't count"?
Yes, rosé is wine.
And I don't want to hear the term
"California sober"
come out of your mouth.
- Hey, Stewie.
- Brian,
I want you to be my campaign manager.
Really? What do I have to do?
You'll be in charge of
setting up my war room
- and situation room and sex room.
- Sex room?
Shh, I can't let
Mr. Dramatic over there know.
I don't know. This is already weird.
Please, Brian. I need this.
I need this the way
a shoe salesman needs
that foot-measuring device.
I can say with absolute
scientific certainty
that you're a 10 1/2.
Now let me get you some shoes
that still may or may not fit.
Hey, Stewie, a little birdie told me
you've thrown your hat
into the snack captain ring.
Actually it was a tweet.
I just want to say I hope
we can have a fair campaign
and forget any past tension between us.
Consider them forgotten,
like La La Land,
the most celebrated movie ever made
that suddenly no one remembers,
mentions, or cares about.
- Oh, he nailed you.
- I'm voting for Doug.
I'm too young to deliver a joke.
Well, looks like the gloves are off.
But I've taken on bigger challenges.
Like playing a game of Paul Simon Says.
Paul Simon says
Art Garfunkel is a loser.
Oh, come on, Paul.
It's been 40 years. Let it go.
Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs.
We know that.
No one is denying you credit.
Paul Simon says five-two is the
cutoff for being really short,
- not five-three.
- You know what? I'm bored.
I'm gonna play Simon Cowell Says.
Simon Cowell says
men should wear low V-necks
- and have breasts.
- Thank you for One Direction.
Stewie, our polls show that your
classmates see you as aloof.
We need a photo op
of you kissing a baby.
All right, well, make it a BOC.
- A what?
- A baby of color.
Stewie, what's going on?
I thought I was your campaign manager.
I want you and Chris
to compete for my favor.
I will reward absolute loyalty,
even if you have to go to prison for it.
- And who are all these people?
- College Republicans.
When they're not on Barstool
or wearing boat shoes nowhere
near a boat, they're here.
I've also scheduled a whistle-stop tour
of the playground.
You need to reach the seesaw kids,
the slide kids, and spend time
with the jungle gym kids
so they know they have your support.
Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell.
I'll make a speech even greater
than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy.
He gone!
Stewie, this debate is make-or-break.
I've been working on a strong opening.
Take control early,
get 'em on your side,
and it's easier to keep them there.
- Stewie, would you like to begin?
- Thank you.
My friends,
this election is about
the future of snack time.
I disagree. This election is about you.
Who is this guy? I love him.
And may I call your attention
to my opponent's actions
during the attack on The Capitol?
Here is Stewie waving to supporters
safely behind barricades.
And here he is with Josh Hawley,
fleeing the riot they helped stoke.
Wow, what a little bitch.
Uh-oh.
Doug are you okay?
My God, is Doug pooping his pants?
Ew!
What a godsend.
We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug.
He'll never shake it.
He surged in the polls?
It humanized him,
made him more relatable.
Well, two can play at that game.
Global events conspired
to push us off the front page.
Chris, the election's tomorrow.
It's do-or-die time.
What the hell? You work for Doug now?
I'm sorry, Stewie.
Your campaign is a sinking ship.
I need a winner. I'm a professional.
You'd abandon your brother like that?
Sorry, but that's the way
things go on The Hill.
What? Is that Is that a thing?
No. What you just saw was a sizzle reel
that cost me $75,000 of my own money.
Friends told me not to use my own money.
"What do they know?"
I told myself at the time.
The network decided
not to move forward with it.
But they said they still love
being in the Chris Griffin business.
Brian, you're a loyal dog, and
you've got a belly rub coming.
Maybe something a little more.
But first we've got to find
dirt on Doug.
All right, there's
his campaign headquarters.
You stand lookout, and I'll
sneak inside looking for dirt.
Stay focused. Don't lick your balls.
God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls.
My God, Doug's got a file on me.
"Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses."
"Shapes"? How dare he?
And to think I let him into
my innermost rhombus of trust.
It's hard to rectangle this
with the Doug I knew.
Okay, the Internet is not
enjoying the shape jokes.
Wait, what do we have here?
Doug still uses a pacifier?
Oh, wait till the papers
hear about this.
Damn it, get your act together
down there, you kooks.
And that, my fellow classmates,
is how I discovered
that Courteney Cox
bleaches her starfish.
Anyway, got off on a tangent there,
but more germane to this election,
I have discovered that
my opponent still uses this!
Are you willing to vote
for a representative
who literally sucks?
I think not.
Stewie Griffin for snack captain.
Thank you, Stewie.
Doug, final remarks?
Ladies and gentlemen of the preschool,
we all know Stewie
has a brother and a sister.
Have you ever wondered why they
are so much older than Stewie?
Where is this going?
Well, I have, and I did some research.
What I found confirms the dark secret
that I already suspected
Stewie Griffin was a "whoops baby."
What the devil are you talking about?
Stewie Griffin was a mistake!
- Oh, my God.
- A mistake?
He's a big fat phony.
Okay, I think I know whose kid that is.
That's impossible.
How could you know that?
Oh, I had a very reliable source.
Tell me what you know.
Stewie's a mistake.
How do you know this?
Because I'm his brother.
Hey, Stewie. What's wrong?
In an effort to win the election,
Doug has stooped to
the most preposterous
of lies and mudslinging.
He claims I was a whoops baby.
A mistake.
Well, if you think about it,
it, it is possible.
No, it's not. That's absurd.
To be honest,
I've wondered the same thing.
You are much younger than Chris and Meg.
Lois and Peter had two children
back-to-back,
a boy and a girl,
one of each, and then stopped.
And those two were already a stretch
for Peter's meager salary.
I mean, don't you think
it's a little odd
that their plan would include
waiting 14 years,
until Lois was in her 40s
Not exactly prime reproductive years
To have their third child?
I-I'm not saying it's true,
but if you do the math,
it kind of makes sense.
My God, everything
about this is terrible.
Why do you think Peter keeps leaving you
on the fire station steps?
Most things about this are terrible.
Come on, little guy,
time to go to the fire station.
Let me just fix my face.
All right, let's go.
I can't believe they never
bothered to tell me
I was a mistake.
Well, I'll get my revenge
by using the one trump card
every baby has.
I'll refuse to put on my shoes.
Stewie, let's get your shoes on.
We're going out.
Oh, oka Hold still, Stewie.
Come on, let me get your shoes on.
Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking.
Will you just Will you hold still?
Damn it. Stop kick Stewie.
Well, so much for going
to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show.
Dangly Shiny Keys Show?
What are we waiting for? Let's go.
What were you upset about earlier?
I don't know, I don't remember.
Me neither, but this is amazing.
What are we doing
at this coffee shop, Stewie?
This is Lois's favorite spot
and I hacked their system
so they only accept Apple Pay.
She's gonna have no clue what to do.
I'm sorry, we only take Apple Pay.
Oh, what?? I-Is that on my computer?
Yeah, and if you don't have it,
we're gonna have to
take the coffee back.
You'll do no such thing.
Shawn Mendes?!
That's right. Wherever
a suburban mom is having trouble
with a phone thing, I'll be there.
Give me your phone.
Here's your coffee.
What do you mean the menu's online?
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.
Shawn Mendes. ♪
All right, time for a little payback.
Let's see how the fat man feels
about having a mistake baby
when he has to listen
to that same child blast
rebellious rock and roll.
Sugar ♪
Ha! How do you like that, old man?
If it's too loud, you're too old!
Hey, what's going on down here?
I love this song.
No. No, you're supposed to be
mad about this.
I do have an issue
with the volume, though.
- Oh, yeah, here we go.
- It needs to be louder.
Honey ♪
Hey, we heard The Archies,
so we brought punch.
What? No. No.
This is supposed
to be making you furious.
Oh, God, this music is
making me lose it.
Should we order two cheese pizzas?
- Uh, yeah.
- I'm in.
Hey, Quagmire, Betty or Veronica?
Both.
- Oh, Quagmire ♪
- Oh, sugar ♪
- Who else but Quagmire? ♪
- Oh, honey, honey. ♪
- Hey, Stewie.
- What do you want?
Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever broke
this whoops baby story
to sink your campaign
never intended you
to take it personally.
There's something
I think you should see.
What? You've got a secret weapons room?
Not exactly. It's a porn room.
These are impressively
organized and cataloged.
People in the community
like things well-labeled,
so I developed
the Spewey Decimal System.
I don't want to sound like a square,
but if you put this level of effort
into your schoolwork,
you could really soar.
See that?
That's a mint condition 1983
Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn sex tape.
Never been opened.
Market value of $150K.
Well, if it's never been opened,
how do you know it's the real thing?
Oh, it's the real thing.
People in the community
trust each other.
Stop saying "people in the community."
I prefer not to picture that community.
Anyway, there's one I think
you might be interested in.
This is dated exactly
nine months before I was born.
You have a whole shelf of Lois
and the Fat Man's sex tapes?
I have the camera in there
on a grunt sensor.
There's a lot of Dad
just going to the bathroom.
That's disturbing even to me,
and I've been to an
Eyes Wide Shut party.
Sorry, sir, there's a strict
800-penis limit.
If I let you in, the fire marshal
will be all over my back.
But the fire marshal's on
that guy's back.
Yeah, but he'll get off
his back and on my back.
It's a great party.
Hey, everyone, I'm Peter Griffin,
and this is my Real World audition.
Peter there's something I want to do.
Oh, God, I know that look.
You're ovulating.
Wha-What are you doing?
No. No! Aah!
Wow. Lois has strong thighs.
Please, no!
Fine, just get it over with.
I'm gonna be a mom again!
My existence is justified.
The old man's
got quite a meat bag on him, huh?
This was the night I was conceived?
Yep.
That's how it happened
with all of us, Stewie.
That's why we're trash people.
But this means
technically I'm only half an accident.
- Yep.
- Thanks, Chris.
It was me.
I was complimenting my own meat bag.
Brian, say hello
to the new snack captain.
You actually won? Wow, congrats, Stewie.
I thought you being a mistake
ruined your chances.
How'd you pull it off?
It turns out 70% of
the kids' parents aren't married
and 30% are mistakes.
Nobody gets married anymore.
One kid doesn't even have parents.
He just kind of appeared.
Sleeps in one of the cubbies.
I mean, that's the story
I would have told this week,
but whatever.
Oh, and Doug died in a commuter
plane crash this morning.