Family Guy s21e16 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Stewie? What are you doing up?
Lois had three lattes
and a bottle of wine today,
so her breast milk was
basically a speed ball.
- You?
- I'm writing.
The last two months I've
really gotten my act together.
I stopped drinking, and I'm
about to self-publish a book.
Ugh. None of the big boys bit, huh?
No, it's fine. I'm actually
at a point in my life
where I don't need external validation.
I'm just proud of accomplishing my goal.
That's great. I'm happy for you.
Even if your privilege is showing.
Privilege? I worked hard to
Ooh, white fragility much, Brian?
Okay, maybe I've had certain advantages,
- but how
- How?
It's not our job
to solve your problems, pal.
- Do the work.
- Our?
I Who are you even talking about?
Well, not you, you big honky Karen.
Ha. I'm just, I'm just
riding your jock, Bri.
- That's amazing you wrote a book.
- Well, thanks.
You know, I'm having a little
publishing party on Thursday.
I'd love it if you could come.
Yeah. Uh, Rupert, do we have
anything on Thursday?
Okay, then, looks like we're good to go.
Awesome. All right, Stewie.
I'm gonna go get some shut-eye.
Way to think fast, you dope.
Now we have to go.
You can't?!
Oh, now you have something on Thursday?
Griffin, what are you doing?
Oh, hey, Preston, I'm glad you're here.
I'm about to test the prototype
for "Deskpoline."
Oh Top will need to be bouncy.
Anyway, what can I do you for?
I'm sorry to say I have some bad news.
Well, that was tough to hear, sir,
but thanks for giving it to me straight.
I haven't even told you yet.
Stella will be gone for six weeks.
She's taking a bereavement leave.
Her husband died?
Okay, Peter, you got six weeks
to lose 100 pounds
and get divorced. Let's do this.
No, Peter, it was her cat.
Employees now get six weeks to
mourn the loss of a pet.
It's our way of saying,
"Your animal died, so thanks."
Wait, hang on, let me get this straight.
If your pet dies, you get six weeks off?
Yes.
Let's see how long you last
with no brakes, Brian.
(SQUEAKING)
Huh, brake's out.
Nice try, Peter. Fortunately,
you can stop a Prius
by cupping the wind.
Hello, and welcome to Quahog Books.
All we ask is that you please
don't see what you want in here
and then just order it
from Amazon on your phone.
And now, reading from
his new book Chasing My Tale
Tale is spelled T-A-L-E,
not like the thing on my butt.
please welcome author Brian Griffin.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you so much for being here
to celebrate my book being published.
- Self-published.
- Why are you even here?
Just a hunch. Please proceed.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"My mother was a huge bitch,
"and I lost my virginity
at six months old.
"Oh, I'm sorry,
I should have told you first,
"I'm a dog.
"So I turned to Fran Lebowitz and said,
"'I may have been born in a litter,
"but I'm definitely not trash.'
"Then she put on my jeans and left.
"And so, as the sweet mango flavor
"hit my lungs for the last time,
"I placed the vape pen
on Nelson Mandela's grave
"and knew that we were both now,
"in a sense, finally free.
The beginning." Thank you. Thank you.
God, that took forever.
I know. I gotta go.
The twins have a volleyball game.
- There you go, Seamus.
- Thanks.
I'll put it right on my shelf.
Hey, thanks so much for coming, Stewie.
Of course. What a night.
I mean, most authors wouldn't
have read the whole book.
I just felt it from the crowd, you know?
Anyway, it means everything
to have you here,
so thanks again.
Oh, another hand for Brian Griffin.
And if the eight of you could
somehow buy
a quarter of a million dollars
worth of books,
tomorrow I won't have to marry
a man I've never loved.
Thank you.
Excuse me, could you please
direct me to the
"about to die" section?
Sure, right this way.
We have this snake who's tying
himself into a noose,
- this near-death gerbil
- BRUCE: Dibs!
And I'll take his cardboard tube, too.
I snoozed and I lost.
You've heard of
a Japanese fighting fish?
This is a Japanese
honorable suicide fish.
He got fired eight months ago
and hasn't told his family.
He spends all day in a suit
riding the train.
Too much back story.
We also have a very old parrot.
- Or you can kill my mother for money.
- What?
I said we have a very old parrot.
Why, did you hear something else
you'd be open to?
Family, may I kindly introduce you
to our ticket to
six weeks bereavement leave
in lovely Puerto Vallarta:
an 80-year-old parrot.
I call him Gonzo,
'cause of The Muppet Show.
And also 'cause soon, he gone!
Peter, I don't want some elderly bird
crapping all over the house.
Fine. If I can't have the parrot,
you can only have one
pink razor in the shower
at a time.
You can have your bird.
(SNIFFING)
(SNIFFS) Ooh, you smell that, Brian?
First fire of the season.
It won't be long before
the leaves start changing
and the sap starts flowing.
Let's just look around and take in
the pageantry of autumn.
Chris, Bonnie's gone to bed.
She's not gonna open her curtains again.
Just take your dump and let's go.
Hey, check it out.
A little free library.
How white people make
giving away their trash
seem like generosity.
What the Is this my book?
This is the copy I gave to Stewie.
Why, did he even bring it home?
Is our friendship worth nothing to him?
I'm gonna go home and give him
Oh, Bonnie opened her curtains.
BONNIE (LAUGHING): Ooh!
Mmm.
JOE: Sounds like somebody's having fun.
Joe? I thought that was you.
Ah, goodness no.
Pass me a Michael Crichton.
She's gonna be a while.
Does this look familiar, Stewie?
It's the culmination of my life's work,
and it was in the little free library
being given away!
What? That's so weird, man.
- So how'd it end up there?
- I don't know.
Some liberal cuck
Marie Kondo-ed his loft?
Well, it's your copy, so you tell me.
That's ridiculous. My copy is right here
on my book shel What?
- Not there, huh?
- No, it isn't.
- This is insane.
- Oh, is it?
Let me check my security footage.
Crazy, man. The footage is gone.
How did you even know when to check?
I didn't tell you when I found it.
All the footage is gone.
Somebody must have blown a jammy
down at central
and fried the whole grid.
Total zapparino.
Just admit you got rid of my book.
Brian, not only did I not
give away your book,
I'm launching an investigation,
- and I'm gonna nail the guy who did it.
- Uh-huh.
And maybe it's more than one guy.
Maybe it's a ring.
A deep ring I can only penetrate
by nailing a bunch of guys.
Wait, are you still talking
about my book?
Oh, yeah. Maybe it's
too many guys for me
and I have to bring in a private dick.
Close the door on your way out, Brian.
I need privacy to think
about dicks for hire.
Thanks, Jerome, but I got this.
- Awesome. - Whoa!
- So cool.
Yeah, you know,
I only bought Gonzo just to die
and go on vacation,
but now we're having
the time of our lives.
He's like the son I never had.
(WHISTLES) Und du bist wie mein
dicker vater! (SQUAWKS)
His language is so weird.
It sounds like anger,
repressed sexuality
and a pig being shot by a paintball.
- Peter, that's German.
- How do you know?
I speak German.
I went on an exchange trip
in high school, and for some reason
my parents never bought
the airfare back.
Cool. We can communicate with him.
Joe, ask Gonzo where he's from.
Gonzo, woher kommst du?
(WHISTLES) Ich wurde 1942
in D üsseldorf geboren.
Mein besitzer hie ß
Adolf Hitler. (SQUAWKS)
I heard 1942.
Peter, he just said his owner
was Adolf Hitler.
- Well, that can't be right.
- Hitler had a what now?
Look, it's him.
(WHISTLES) Das bin ich.
Icherinneremich daran. (SQUAWKS)
He said, "That's me. I remember that."
Peter, your bird is a Nazi.
That can't be right.
Uh, Nazi want a cracker?
Nazi want a cracker. (SQUAWKS)
Oh, my God, you're right.
Wow, good thing you know German, Joe.
Yeah, and just so you know,
the German culture has
very different notions of
what's cool to do sexually.
So whatever happened over there
was completely normal,
and I don't think about it
during quiet moments.
- Joe?
- Nein caca! Nein!
Ich no m öcshte caca!
I mean, uh, crazy about
Peter's bird, right?
BRIAN: Stewie!
- I know you gave my book away.
- What is this?
Everyone on our street
has a ring camera.
Hello, I'm back. You guys were right.
Murdering strangers
is better than paying
my credit card bill.
Okay, fine, Brian, you caught me.
I got rid of the book
you forced me to take
after you badgered me
into coming to your reading.
Well, what the hell, Stewie?!
I sat through your reading,
I said congratulations,
I took the book.
Where do my obligations end?
Obligations? Are you so narcissistic,
you can't do one small thing for me?
I'm narcissistic?
You're the one who leaves
your book on display in my room.
Oh, sorry it's such a chore
to literally just
keep a book on a book shelf.
Okay, all right, even though
I only have e-books,
here's your stupid book
on a shelf like it's 1958.
Did you even read the inscription?
- Yes.
- Well, then, what did it say?
"From one hard body to another."
"To every author's dream reader
and a true kindred spirit.
"You lit the flame that ignited my soul.
"My best friend, my inspiration,
"and the only person who truly gets me.
I owe you everything.
B. Edward Griffin."
Your initials are BEG?
Oh, hey, Lois,
I just remembered that thing
I wanted to tell you before.
Um, you ever heard of Adolf Hitler?
- Yes.
- Well, fun trivia.
Gonzo was Adolf Hitler's bird.
What? Peter, if you knew that,
why the hell did you bring that bird
to Meg's performance of Sound of Music?
Sie sind hinter dem gro ßen Stein.
(SQUAWKS) Nach links.
He's saying they're behind
the big stone to the left!
(WHISTLES) Meine linke,
nicht B ühne linke! (SQUAWKS)
He's saying, "My left, not stage left"!
CARTER: You're getting warmer.
What? The parents started it.
It's not his fault, Lois.
He's just repeating what he was taught.
By Hitler.
Yeah, that's like
40% of America right now.
Peter, if you don't
get rid of that bird,
I'm calling animal control.
You do that, and I'll make you pay.
- How?
- You ever hear of revenge porn, Lois?
Peter, if you did that,
then everyone would see your penis.
I retract my threat.
Please strike it from the record.
I'll strike it if I can find it.
- You have any tweezers?
- No, I don't have any
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
Look at us restoring a classic car.
Yep, 2004 Saturn Ion.
This baby captures
all the glory of my youth.
Shrek 2 was the number-one movie,
Dane Cook made MySpace the place to be,
and LimeWire helped you bankrupt
your favorite bands.
What a year.
Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt.
I just want to throw out my laptop
since I won't be writing anymore.
Oh come on, Brian, don't be dramatic.
Dramatic? Me? Pshaw!
Just abandoning my lifelong dream
since even my best friend
can't support me.
So you're getting rid of
all your photos, too?
No, I downloaded those to
an external hard drive.
How are you going
- to watch movies in bed?
- My phone.
Couldn't you also still write
in the notes app on your phone?
I deleted that app.
Okay, but couldn't you still write
using pen and paper?
I mean, I'm sorry to keep
pushing back on this,
it just feels like
throwing away the laptop
is-is just unnecessary.
You got your wish, Stewie, I quit.
You'll never have to worry about keeping
one of my books again.
Come on, Brian, be reasonable.
That wasn't my intention.
Too bad. Goodbye, dream.
Okay, last objection, I swear.
But that's actually supposed to go
in a separate collection for e-waste,
which is the last Friday of every month.
It's fine.
(BEEPING)
Laptop! Laptop! Laptop!
There he is, the genius
- getting his inspo.
- (VIDEO GAME BLIPPING)
- What do you want?
- Look, here's the thing, Brian.
I actually did like your book.
Yeah, right.
- I did.
- Me, too.
Yeah, what'd you like about it?
You wrote about kibble
with a lot of passion.
Uh-huh.
You described a lot of trees,
and you also let us know
which ones were steadfast,
which was a surprisingly
high percentage of them.
- (GAME OVER SOUND)
- Ugh! It's pointless.
I've given writing my whole life,
and I can't even get ten people
to come to a reading.
Hell, I've been playing
this game for 20 years,
and I can't even get to level two.
Really? That game is, like, very easy.
Just get out of here!
And leave me alone. Forever.
Chris, I can see his gums.
We'd better go.
This is terrible. We have to help him.
I have a great idea.
- What is it?
- Oh, no, not for this.
Netflix for guns.
Stewie, you're gonna be a trillionaire.
Perhaps we can lift Brian
out of his funk
if we get his book on The New
York Times Best Seller list.
It would only take 1,500 copies.
- That's it?
- Yes. And a lot of celebrities
actually make the list
by buying their own books.
Wait, are you telling me that
some of Donald Trump Jr.'s
success isn't based on merit alone?
Yes, I am saying that.
Still we can't afford to buy
that many copies.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
But Reese Witherspoon's
manager just got back to me
about her book club.
Stewie, this could be huge.
Every alcoholic housewife
in this country
does whatever Reese Witherspoon says.
"Unfortunately, Reese's only
interests are crawdads
"and long hikes,
so she's happily passing.
No regrets."
Now I'm glad her husband
Jim Toth failed at Quibi,
reportedly straining
their Hollywood super-marriage.
Oh, don't be nasty, Chris.
- Okay, plan C.
- What's that?
Use Lois's account to buy
three copies on Amazon.
That'll get Brian
in the top 20 of Amazon's
"Canine Nonfiction
Under 60 Pages" category.
Oh, great. All you have to do is
click which of these are crosswalks
to prove you're not a robot.
Well, uh you do it.
Come on, Chris, you
you're not actually a robot, are you?
(ROBOT VOICE): Identity compromised.
Abort mission.
(ROBOT VOICE): Greetings, sibling.
I am Chris 2.0 with crosswalk update.
Oh, phew. Okay, well, it's refreshed,
and now it needs you
to identify stop signs.
If you will excuse me.
So, what do you want to watch,
Nazi bird?
Fox. (SQUAWKS)
Quick, Gonzo, we gotta go.
Rabbi Goldstein, Peter Griffin.
I'm sorry, am I bothering you?
No, it's fine.
I'm just practicing circumcision
on a kosher hot dog.
How can I help you?
I bought this parrot used,
and it turns out
he's Adolf Hitler's old pet.
And what do you want from me?
Well, the word is out,
and a bunch of people want to kill him.
And I was thinking maybe
if you said he's okay,
maybe they'd back off.
To seek vengeance or to forgive.
Such a dilemma.
Let us see what it says in
(SQUAWKS) Torah.
Torah? What's that?
Our sacred scrolls.
Oh, I thought those was rolls of Brawny.
Bar'chu et Adonai hamvorach. (SQUAWKS)
My friend, your bird is Jewish.
He only pretended to be a Nazi
to survive the war.
Gonzo's Jewish?
Peter, you have done a wonderful thing.
We must celebrate with some matzah.
As we say, L'Chaim! To life.
- L'Chaim!
- L'Chaim!
Pretty dry.
(CHOKING)
(SQUAWKS)
I think Gonzo lost his Chaim.
Whoa, look at you, Brian.
Back in the saddle?
Well, it's like Ray Bradbury said:
"You only fail if you stop writing."
That's a really healthy attitude
for someone who just failed.
Well, it turns out my book
actually did find an audience.
Right now, it's number nine on Amazon's
"Mangy Mammal Memoirs" list.
LOIS: Who the hell used
my Amazon account
to order three copies of Brian's book?!
(GROWLING)
Oh, boy.
Great. So now after having insulted me,
you've deceived me.
Thanks so much, pal.
Why do you even care?
You're the one who said you
don't need external validation.
Of course that was a lie.
All I care about is external validation.
I'm a dog. "Good boy" is
literally the best thing
you can say to me.
And the fact that even my best friend
doesn't want a free copy
of my book is-is devastating.
Don't you talk to me about devastating.
- What do you mean?
- Don't you understand?
Brian, I only got rid of the book
because I was jealous of you.
Jealous? Why?
Because you set out to
do something, and you did it.
Unlike me and my goals.
Every time I walked by
your book, it was a reminder
of all that I haven't accomplished.
I know I'm supposed to be happy for you,
but when you succeed, all it does is
make me feel bad about myself.
And you made me feel really bad.
Then I guess I really succeeded.
You did. Big-time.
I'm proud of you, Brian.
- Good boy.
- Thanks, Stewie.
Now, please never do anything again.
- Friends?
- Friends.
Still, it'd be nice to sell a few books,
to have anyone know my name.
Meh. You ever heard of
Kirker Butler, Julius Sharpe,
Cherry Chevapravatdumrong,
Chris Regan, David Goodman,
Artie Johann, Patrick Meighan,
Mike Desilets or Gary Janetti?
They're all Family Guy writers
who've written books,
and no one's ever heard of them.
Gary Janetti kind of rings a bell.
Yeah, he's got a popular Instagram,
so he kind of broke through.
But the rest of them, a bunch of bitter,
Emmy-less losers.
Has Seth MacFarlane ever written a book?
- Oh, yeah.
- How'd it do?
A signed copy is cheaper than a new one.
Thank you, everybody, for coming today.
Chris would like to say a couple words.
"Death came with friendly care.
"The opening bud to heaven conveyed,
and bade it blossom there."
Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
(PLAYING "EVERY MORNING" BY SUGAR RAY)
♪
Ew, Dad, you could have at least flushed
before you put him in there.
We all grieve in our own ways.
These are our church shoes.
Everybody in the tub.
Please don't forget
to sign the guest book.