Family Guy s22e01 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's A Fam Ily Guy! ♪
What are you up to there, Stewie?
Big birthday party today,
just finishing up my card.
"Happy birthday, Gurt"?
Yeah, it's short for "yogurt."
His mom is a doula
and his dad is a doula.
I like the blue truck.
Thanks. It was supposed
to be a fire engine,
but I couldn't find the red glitter pen.
Well, that's our
long-form tax return done.
I could be wrong, but I think
we're getting a million dollars back.
Oh, I'm glad you're
here. I ran out of bleach
halfway through my
mustache treatment today,
so, Peter, I'm gonna
need you to take Stewie
to the bowling alley for a party.
Hey, Meg, I'm gonna
need you to take Stewie
to the bowling alley for a party.
I just learned the word "delegate."
No skin off my sack. I
love the bowling alley.
I'm coming, too.
They got a new claw
machine with a bra in it.
We sure raised a few
fine delegates, huh?
Peter, I don't think you
learned the word "delegate."
I will not be delegated in my own house.
This is gonna be fun, Stewie.
Yeah, I'm pumped.
Partying's in our blood.
We even had ancestors
at the Boston tea party.
All right, let's stick it to the British
and throw this tea overboard.
How about this Earl Grey?
Okay, you know what,
let's keep the Earl Grey.
We-we all have to
have breakfast, right?
- Here goes the chamomile.
- No, no, no. You throw that out,
you're throwing my
good night's sleep away.
How about this throat
coat with echinacea?
Okay, you guys are gonna hate me,
but we're coming up
on cold and flu season.
And I just think that
would be irresponsible.
- Well, what about
- You know what, let's just boil some water
and write 'em a strongly-worded letter.
Here you go, Meg.
You's all in lane six
with Gurt's mother.
Everybody wins.
Everybody wins here today.
Gurt, get your hand out of your pants!
Thanks, Bruce.
Hey, want to put
quesadillas in our mouths
and flip through a
people magazine later?
Oh, I'd love to, but
this is our busiest day.
I got five parties
and that guy over there
insists he can only bowl
like Fred Flintstone.
Dad, you were coming
here the whole time?
I don't have to tell you things
I'm keeping secret from you.
All right, Bruce, I'm up.
[SIGHS]
[XYLOPHONE PLAYING]
Yibba yabba yoo!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Stewie, William, you're up.
Well, well, well, looks like
the new kid got a pity invite.
My name's William.
I've been on six airplanes.
You do sports, William?
You ever get your ass
handed to you, sports-wise?
Not yet, Stewie, but if
you throw the ball the way
you threw back that cake,
you should be in good shape.
Hope you got another set of pins, Bruce,
'cause this one's about to explode.
Well, call me Norma Rae,
'cause you're about to see a strike.
I watch a lot of movies
at my grandma's house.
- On three?
- Oops.
["THE FINAL COUNTDOWN"
BY EUROPE PLAYING]
Yes! And then there were nine.
It's not fair!
Someone else was using
my lucky dinosaur ramp!
Can't beat the old strike-a-saurus!
Open the door, get on the floor ♪
Everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪
Are you here for shoes?
Yeah, but I'm not sure what size I am.
The sizing line's right over there.
Just put your bare foot on my stomach
and I can tell you your shoe size.
I don't know. Next.
Little higher.
I don't know. Next.
That'll do, Pig.
That'll do.
Peter, you're up.
Just got to dry my hands first.
Ooh, how embarrassing.
What an unexpected, sexy turn of events.
So, did you guys know that
Marilyn's real name was Norma Jean?
- [SIGHS]
- Mm-hmm.
And if you said hello to Bernard
Schwartz, you'd be saying
Saying hello to Tony
Curtis. Yes, we know.
"Better smile when
you say that, pilgrim."
Marion Morrison, aka John Wayne.
Yep, we remember from the
list you emailed us, Joe.
You know, Kennedy's
secretary was named Lincoln,
and Lincoln's secretary
was named Kennedy.
- Kind of makes you think, huh?
- About what?
Secretaries.
Sorry we left such a mess.
- Let me help you with that.
- Thanks, Meg.
Oop, looks like more vomit,
and I done run out of
kitty litter to soak it up.
That's all right, I always
keep a small bag in my purse.
You keep kitty litter in your purse?
Well, there's not always
a bathroom when I need one.
I don't know how you handle
all these kids every week.
Oh, I don't mind. I like children.
Always wanted one of my own.
Someone I could raise
a little bit better
than my parents did me.
You'd be a great dad, Bruce.
You should totally have a kid.
I don't know if you knew this, but it's
anatomically impossible
for a man to get pregnant.
Even Lindsey Graham?
Well, he's certainly giving
it the ol' college try.
But I guess it's just not in the cards
for Jeffrey and me.
After all, you can't
make a bun without a oven.
Well, I have an oven.
I mean, it may not close all the way,
and it's definitely not
self-cleaning, but it works.
You should thank your
lucky stars for that.
Well, I don't know if you've noticed,
but I don't exactly
have a lot of suitors.
It might be because you's going potty
in your purse all the time.
But at least you's able to have a baby.
You're right.
I can have a baby.
Mom, Dad.
I'm having Bruce and Jeffrey's baby.
That's wonderful.
What do you say we take this
party to the top of the stairs?
[ANNOUNCER] It's not an
abortion, it's an "oopsie."
Meg, there is no way you are having
Bruce and Jeffrey's baby. I forbid it.
We agreed no more kids in the
house unless it's young Sheldon.
Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.
It's not what you guys think.
I'm gonna be a surrogate.
But don't you need an egg?
Or-or is that Is that
a bad question to ask
now that penises and
vaginas mean nothing?
Jeffrey and Bruce already picked out
an egg donor from a website.
Okay, as your father,
I'd like to say something.
You can just get hot
eggs off the internet?
Wh-what, uh, what, uh,
what, uh, wh-wha uh,
Wh-wha-what website?
[SIGHS] Meg, this is serious.
Pregnancy is not
something you do for money
or to keep a certain
professional athlete interested
after he blocks your number.
You're gonna ruin your life,
and I won't have any part of it.
Well, too bad, 'cause I'm
18 and you can't stop me.
Dang, no more sush for
Meg for nine whole months.
That's honestly what you're
taking away from all this?
Well, yeah. I'm still getting sush.
Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?
Ma, sush? Chris, sush?
Meg, no sush. Don't even answer, Meg.
She's like, "Aw, I want sush so bad."
I'm like, "No, no, Meg, no sush, babe."
Anyway, I'm gonna go
out and get some sush.
I'll be at CVS.
Aw, this is embarrassing.
We wore the same thing.
Let it be noted that I was
the one to change this time.
Anyway, good news. The fertilization
of the hella-more-attractive
egg was a success.
Brucie, we did it.
I'm gonna dress him
in political t-shirts
he can't even begin to understand.
Yes, so now we just have to implant
that very hot embryo into Meg's body.
- Is this gonna hurt?
- Not at all.
Nurse, wheel in the implantation cannon.
You guys are gonna love this thing.
A clown died in there, but
I think we got him all out.
Can someone please go get
me a cup of buffalo sauce
and a hollowed-out
pickle to use as a straw
to suck up the sauce?
Fine, but I'm making
you a grilled cheese.
And not because I
support this pregnancy.
I just enjoy making
passive-aggressive grilled cheeses
for people and then saying, "Here,
here's your freakin' grilled cheese."
[SNIFFING] Hey, Meg?
How many farts you
been blasting off today?
We talking bigs and smalls?
Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?
Ah. Well, I am gonna
run out of this room now
and leave a comedically-shaped
hole in the wall.
That was already there
from Dad's drunk driving accident.
[PETER] Nope! Running from farts!
Man, Meg being pregnant is almost as bad
as when that other lady was pregnant.
'Member? The lady with
the loose baked-eggs rack?
- 'Member her?
- Peter, that was me.
And no way was I worse than this.
Well, maybe this'll turn
out better than you think,
Like eating edible underwear
in non-sexual situations.
I can't believe you chose
this for your last meal.
Well, I guess we're
both "shocked" today.
Okay, fellas, light me up.
You know what, he's funny.
Now I see why our
daughter got in that van.
- [CRACKLING]
- [PETER] Yibba yabba yoo!
Well, maybe you're right.
I'm just glad this day's finally over.
- Night, Peter.
- Night, Lois.
[MEG] Mom! Dad!
[GROANS] Just ignore her.
She'll tire herself out.
[MEG] Dad! Mom!
Please!
Lois. The daughter's crying.
[MEG] I'm super wide awake
and I want to eat something really rank.
Lois, did you hear that?
[LOIS SNORING]
[SIGHS] Okay. I guess I got this one.
Papa John, I'm sorry to bother you,
but my pregnant daughter
asked that I bring her
the worst pizza ever, and yours is that.
You think we're worse than Lunchables?
- Yes.
- 7-Eleven?
Look, my friend, my friend, my friend.
It's late, we've done our research.
The sauce, the bread, the toppings,
the way it's cooked,
the people cooking it,
the way it tastes like
the box it comes in.
It's really, really the worst.
I mean, you even make butter
dipping sauce terrible.
Well, do you want the butter
sauce with the pizza or not?
Yeah, no, give me a bunch of everything.
[SIGHS] What do you want, Chris?
- Is it pump time yet?
- Why do you care?
Meg, I'm a member of a very
specific dark web internet site.
Don't try to find it,
you won't be able to.
But this would be
fairly monumental there.
Mom, Chris is being disgusting.
So are you. We're all disgusting.
- That's what family is.
- [GROANS]
I knew this was a bad idea.
Yeah, marriage blows.
No, I mean Meg's pregnancy.
I wish we could just
fast-forward through
the next couple of months
until she gives birth
and this whole thing blows over.
Well, team, I tried meth.
All right, guys, looks
like I'm really liking meth.
Hey, guys, I need money.
Like, now. Like, yesterday! Like, now!
Hi, Peter, my name is Marcus.
Your family has written some letters
they'd like to read to you.
You liars!
Weird Easter this year.
Dad, you're back!
Ah, we missed you so much.
Ah, I missed you guys.
Meth was great, but I guess it's bad.
I don't know, I'm not
really sold on that yet.
We're proud of you, Peter.
Uh, guys? I think my water just broke.
Oh, right, I forgot we were doing that.
[PANTING]
Well, I see nobody
brought me a doctor gift.
That's fine, you still have a year.
Meg, I'm just going to
check the contractions.
"Should've, would've, hadn't,
Ma'am, 'twas." Oh, they're
getting closer together.
It's coming! It's coming!
Okay, we're out of gloves,
so I'm gonna catch it
with this panda express bag.
Are you sure this is safe?
Oh, yeah, panda bags are medical-grade.
Just never use a subway bag.
I've had, like, four go right through.
Uhp, it's in the bag already.
It's a girl.
What's that big ol' vine coming out?
She looks like one of them
pumpkins in Cinderella.
♪
She
She's beautiful.
[CRYING]
Ooh, that's awful loud.
Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix
cry if I ever heard one.
And it'll be a weird poo,
that first one, trust me.
You-you know that volcano in Hawaii
where the lava just slowly
rolls through people's yards?
It's like that, only poo.
That does sound like a lot to deal with.
So, do you clean that up with,
like, Kleenex and Febreezes?
You know what, why don't
I take the first shift?
Well, it would give us a chance
to finish doo-dadding her room.
And we have to buy every product
of known baby expert Jessica Alba.
Well, sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.
Thanks, Meg. We'll text you tomorrow.
Welcome to the world,
little Liza Judy Barbra.
All right, sush time for Meg.
I know you want some hospital sush.
No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max?
Ma? Diet max? Sush?
Chris? Max? Code red? Sush?
No? Well, I'm getting
some sush and a max.
I'll be at the cafeteria.
Don't get the sush, guys.
[CRYING]
Okay, okay, Liza Judy Barbra.
It's time for the bottle because
I forgot to tweeze my nips.
[CRYING]
This is getting ridiculous.
It's been three days.
Why haven't Bruce and
Jeffrey picked up their baby?
I don't know. They're, like, super busy.
Hey, look at the bright side, Lois.
With that baby around, you look like
the hottest grandma in town.
[SCOFFS] The hottest grandma?
The-the hottest grandma? [CHUCKLES]
[CACKLES]
The hottest grandma!
Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.
The hottest grandma
should be Jennifer Aniston,
but the counting crows
guy wasn't ready to commit.
Poor bastard thought it
was gonna be an endless run.
That was Bruce and Jeffrey.
They're not coming to get Liza
Judy Barbra until tomorrow now.
Ugh. Why not?
Not that you guys care
about this sort of thing,
but Jeffrey wrote a murder
mystery that premieres
tonight at the cracker
barrel in Sturbridge.
Oh, no!
Yeah, but if you's got to go
[DRAMATIC STING PLAYS]
I made this a cutaway
so I could see the show.
Peekaboo!
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHING]
- [FARTING]
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, yeah, it's
hard to laugh without farting.
Feels like you and me are on the
same page about a lot of stuff.
We work well together, like
the employees at T.J. Maxx.
Hey, where should I put these?
Just throw them on the
floor and step on them.
That's our founder's motto.
[ANNOUNCER]T.J. Maxx.
Teach your kids to drive
in our empty parking lot.
Guys, look.
Look at me. Now that I'm a hot grandma,
I bought one of those
novelty wine glasses
that's big enough to hold
an entire bottle of wine.
Isn't that hilarious?
It's okay.
That was worth it for the joke.
You did good, Lois.
You're building a comedic voice.
Okay. Here we go, Liza Judy Barbra.
Your first strained peas.
Wow, she is the most memorable
and endearing baby I've ever seen.
Okay, then.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, I'm sorry, are you
are you almost done?
Oh, yeah, no, sorry,
I'm just, I'm doing sets.
- I'm just doing little sets.
- Oh, cool, cool.
- Guys, he's doing little sets.
- Cool, cool.
- Little sets.
- Cool, cool.
Meg, I am so impressed.
Yeah, I had no idea you
could be so maternal.
I always saw you as a
"drive into the lake" mom.
So did I, mom.
But, honestly, since
Liza Judy Barbra was born,
I feel like my life has
purpose for the first time.
[SINGSONGY] Knock-knock.
I know this may be not a good time,
but we just had to come
see our little angel.
"Had to come see"?
Where have you two been?
Watching Mamma Mia and making popovers.
What is wrong with you two?
How irresponsible can you be?
I mean, this is your
daughter you abandoned.
Abandoned? We wanted to come over,
but Meg kept saying it was a bad time.
Meg, is that true?
[SIGHS] This baby needs me.
It's the first living
thing that's ever needed me.
For once, my life has purpose.
And I'm good at this.
Better than these two, anyway.
Maybe she's right.
What businesses do we
have raising a child?
And how's is we supposed
to pay for her school?
With our Tesla and cashmere money?
I don't think so.
We could dip into our boozy brunch fund.
Don't you dare.
Oh, listen to me.
I wouldn't know how to raise a baby.
I'm sure she knows that, too.
♪
Gaga.
[GASPS] Gaga?
Bruce, did you hear that?
She said her first gay icon.
Jeanne Tripplehorn.
Oh, my god, a second,
lesser-known gay icon.
She wants her daddies.
Meg, I'm sorry.
I know we're not
perfect, but no parent is.
And this is our child.
She belongs with us.
But you don't know anything
about raising a child.
No one does.
That's why two out of
three don't turn out right.
But that doesn't mean you don't try.
♪
Meg, we'll always appreciate
what you've done for us.
And you'll always be a part
of Liza Judy Barbra's life.
Yeah. You'll always be
that slightly creepy teen
who birthed our baby and then
we gradually lost touch with.
You better promise.
- We do.
- We do.
In that case
I'll take a chance on you.
[OFF-KEY] If you're all alone ♪
When the pretty birds have flown ♪
- No!
- That can't be the first time our baby hears ABBA.
That's right. It should
be at a jockstrap foam rave
in Miami Beach, same as me.
What? Wait!
But-but I'm the hot grandma!
[GASPS] You're a grandma?
You look amazing!
Oh, you. Come on.
Could a grandma wear
this to a spin class?
I mean, yes, she could, because I did,
so that happened.
Thank you, Meg.
You've completed our family.
We have our baby and we have you.
Well, I guess that means
I can get rid of all
my hot grandma merch.
I'll just donate it to Goodwill.
You know what "GILF" means, right?
Yeah. "God, I love fentanyl."
You said it, pal.
Well, Bruce and Jeffrey, I got to say,
you two have really stepped up
to become a couple of great dads.
Thank you, Lois.
You sound a bit surprised,
which seems right for a
woman with that haircut,
but you're sweet to say so.
- [FUSSING]
- Uh-oh.
Someone's being a little fussy britches.
Oh, she's tired.
You get the lights and
I'll sing her to sleep.
[FUSSING CONTINUES]
[IMITATING THUMPING CLUB BASS BEAT]
[FUSSING STOPS]
Yeah, that seems about right
for a guy with that haircut.
[QUIETLY] Thank you, Peter.