Family Guy s22e02 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's A Fam Ily Guy! ♪
Boy, everybody's here.
Why do you think we're gathering?
This isn't about the soiled
pants in the toilet, right?
'Cause I hadn't heard about that.
Good morning, employees.
As some of you can tell by my face,
I have some exciting news.
But first, a pair of husky-size
green pants were found
in the men's room, positively destroyed.
(WHISPERS): That's what
I hadn't heard about.
Now the exciting news.
The brewery is transitioning
to an open floor plan
and will be called the
Pawtucket Patriot Campus.
To help explain the transition
to our futuristic workplace,
I'd like to share a
video from our investor,
The confusingly
charismatic WeWork lunatic.
Hey, I'm the guy from WeWork.
My foremost goal is to facilitate
an experiential bandwidth of synergy.
Hammock desks, scooter desks,
and the world's first desk-desk.
The only desk that
functions as a working desk.
I have been the WeWork lunatic,
please don't google me.
Our new office will also have
a lady chef who only makes vegan food,
pinball machines, and nursing pods.
Lastly, as we transition
to our new open floor plan,
the brewery will be closed for the
next two months for construction.
- Yes, Griffin?
- Are the nursing pods, l-like, for anyone?
If I ordered a whole Cornish game hen,
would anyone have any?
I'm in for a wing. What's the occasion?
I just found out the brewery's closing
so they can turn it into
the kind of workplace
you only see on TV shows.
Work's been crazy for me, too.
We have this case
guy died on his birthday,
and get this his family had
gotten him an ice cream cake.
You know, the kind with ice
cream inside as the cake part?
(LAUGHS)
Wild stuff. So I'm at the scene
This story is already too
complicated and boring.
- Peter, take over.
- My Amazon guy once delivered batteries
- to Pat Sajak.
- No way!
How did he know there
were batteries in the box?
You know, whenever they ship a battery,
they got to put that little
warning label on the box?
- That's how.
- It could've just been
something with a battery in it.
No, he said he shook it real hard.
I-I think the focus of this story is
more Pat Sajak than the battery part.
Hold on. There's no way that
story was better than mine.
Hey, Brian. What's all this?
Oh, just following in the rich tradition
of Hemingway and Faulkner
and putting a little
damage on the old liver.
Another rosé, Brian?
Put a spritz on it.
So, is, uh, watching
TikToks of underage girls
also part of your writing process?
The best writing happens when
you're not actually writing.
I just wish my muse would speak to me.
I'm having a tough time finding
an idea for my next novel.
Well, I'd tell you about
one of my murder cases,
but apparently I'm a bad storyteller.
- Murder case?
- Oh, yeah, we had one last year.
All signs pointed to the husband.
- What happened?
- It was the husband.
You know, we have a whole
file of cases in quahog
that would make great stories.
A lot of murdered women out there, Bri.
Half of them named Britney,
half of them named Lacey.
That's one piece of advice
I always give young parents:
Don't name them Britney or Lacey.
Yeah, sad stuff.
You know, true crime is huge right now.
You could be sitting on a gold mine.
A gold mine, huh?
And this whole day I thought
it was just a smushed dook.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): We now
return to curb your enthusiasm,
where Jeff Garlin just
repeats everything Larry says.
So, I put on the shirt.
You put on the shirt!
I paid for it.
You paid for it!
I'm starting to think you're, uh,
the weakest link in the cast.
Easily the weakest link!
Peter, the bank called
to say we're overdrawn,
and the credit card
company sent us a letter
that just says: "Bitch
better have my money."
Visa sent that?
God, they can do whatever
they want in Delaware.
Thanks for nothing, Sleepy Joe.
I wonder if this has anything
to do with me not getting paid
during the brewery renovations.
Wh-what do you mean "not getting paid"?
Well, Preston said
we're all transitioning
to being independent contractors.
The downside is we're
losing our health insurance,
but there's gonna be a pinball
machine in the break room.
Peter, we can't afford to go two months
without your paycheck.
You're gonna have to find
a job in the meantime.
Lois, don't worry.
I got it all figured out.
(SHOES TAPPING)
"Dear Mr. Griffin, we
regret to inform you
that we cannot offer you a space."
- (SHOES TAPPING)
- (SINGSONGY): Another big dance check in the mail.
I was just five years away
from three figures a month.
(SHOES TAPPING SLOWLY)
Joe, this stuff is great.
Yep, one man's murdered, estranged wife
is another man's treasure.
Brian, I'm gonna have to ask
you to put down the severed limb.
I brought this from home.
Drop it. Drop it!
Ah, damn it, you said "drop
it," so now I got to drop it.
You know, we should team up
and write a true crime novel.
You don't happen to have any cases
featuring pretty blonde women, do you?
No, those get solved pretty quickly.
This victim was brunette
and a little heavy.
Okay, getting warmer.
We'll just change a few
key details so people care.
Gutierrez? Nope, Gordon.
Murdered on an Indian reservation?
Let's try Beverly Hills.
I'm thinking we go novel,
podcast, docuseries,
then full-blown blockbuster.
But we'd also be doing this
for the families, right?
Is that a new streaming platform?
- No, like, the families of the victims?
- Oh, right. Yeah, sure.
In fact, we'll give them
a sliver of the proceeds.
And I'll give the fictional version
of their daughter bigger boobs.
Like-like real heavy naturals.
Oh, yeah, that sounds
like a good compromise.
Your special cart, Mrs. G.
Just gave the wheels
a fresh coat of WD-40.
Why, thank you, James.
Oh, Roberto, if you
weren't missing half an arm,
I'd definitely consider it.
Oh, how's the 6029s today, hmm?
Oh, Mrs. Lois, very fresh.
What's she talking about, Mommy?
(LAUGHS) Kale, dear.
It's insider speak for kale.
That can't possibly be a thing.
Let me just find someone to make sure.
Oh, looks like someone got
pulled from the night shift
'cause I've never seen this free sample.
- Peter?!
- MAN (OVER SPEAKERS): Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a plot twist on aisle four.
I'm the assistant manager who
thinks work should be fun,
and definitely not a corporate spy
here to keep unions from forming.
But now that we're talking about it,
can you imagine if you had a grievance
and couldn't talk to me directly?
Anyway, I'm Elliot,
and I'm paying close attention
to who posts what on the
break room cork board.
Peter, what are you doing here?
You told me to get a
job, and they were hiring.
I love it here! Plus,
they let me joke around
with the Wells Fargo guys who work here.
Yes, I'd like to make a deposit, please.
Is it another 100 grand chocolate bar?
Okay, so I've had you before.
Peter, the grocery store
is kind of my domain.
While I'm glad you got a job,
I don't love that you got one here.
Don't worry. You won't
even know I'm here.
Unless you're near the front door,
which I can open with the force.
Excuse me, where are the peanuts?
Aisle seven.
Peter, peanuts are on aisle two.
Eh, I just tell 'em whatever number,
and then I disappear
into the produce mist.
Peter? Peter?
PETER (ECHOING): There was
never Peter, only loose carrots.
The body was discovered around 9:00 p.M.
Unfortunately, I couldn't
make it down to the crime scene
because there were no ramps.
Okay, I'm gonna write:
"Tonight, all the streets in
this town were a dead end."
I never saw the body.
It was cold, so they
sent me on a coffee run.
My lap can accommodate two trays,
and I can't feel the spills.
"She was found in a creek,
her bosoms frozen solid."
She was a heavyset 60-something
in welder's coveralls.
"No one from Beverly Hills
had ever been strangled
by their own cheerleader skirt before."
(GASPS)
Wow, I can't believe I'm
seeing how the sausage is made.
Hey, so when you open a book
and you see "random house,"
is that something we come up with?
Uh, no, that's-that's
the publisher's name.
I see. Just drinking it all in.
And what about the list of
cities you see under that name?
Because I was thinking we should
put New York, Paris, Kokomo.
Those are just the cities
where the publisher has offices.
And Kokomo isn't a real city, Joe.
Try telling the beach boys that.
I don't know what our title
should be yet, but beneath it,
it should say: "Soon to
be a major motion picture."
I always buy the book when I see that.
Why don't we just focus on the writing?
Oh, hey, you ever see books
where the edges of the pages are gold?
- Yeah?
- So cool.
What is going on in here?
Who put price tags on all the cans?
And why is everything labeled 69 cents?
PETER (MUFFLED): Griffin family
grocery is currently under renovation.
Please excuse our dust.
Peter? Where are you?
Staring at butts from
behind a one-way mirror.
And why'd you rearrange everything?
I just want to find my vitamins.
Cupboard four. No,
that's cupboard seven.
No, wrong way.
I'm not Is it warmer or colder?
Cupboard four. Cupboard four.
(ALARM BLARING)
Ma'am, don't worry, this
happens all the time.
I'm sure you have your receipt.
What? No, I don't have a receipt.
Okay, then, we're just
gonna go to the office,
call your parents, and
send you on your way.
- Daddy, I just
- There are gonna be some changes around here.
First off, no more lipstick.
That's how all this trouble started.
Okay, so we just need the ending.
Who was the murderer?
Oh, I have no idea. It's a cold case.
That's what makes 'em cold
no one knows how to solve 'em.
Well, how do we finish our novel
if we don't know what
happened in real life?
- Ghost cop.
- No.
Do you know what this means?
We're gonna put on our
Sherlock Holmes hats
and solve the murder ourselves?
Deerstalker hats, Joe. But yes.
Stupid nonwriter!
Okay, Brian, now, when you're visiting
the family of a deceased victim,
you need to hold a hat over your chest.
It shows you care.
All I have is this crown
from our burger king lunch.
Hat's a hat.
How can I help you,
Officer and Your Highness?
Hi, yes. We're here with many
questions about your daughter.
You know, the dead one?
You-you remember her?
- We'd love any details.
- Is this some sort of sick joke?
I assure you it's not, Ma'am.
We're writing a future hit novel
based on your daughter's murder.
We just need to know who did it.
And, between us, it'd be
great if one of you did.
What is this? What do you want?
Did you know Jonbenét Ramsey's dad
dated Natalee Holloway's mom?
What does that have to do with our case?
Well, nothing, it's just
kind of weird, right?
Do you happen to have
any grainy video footage
of her singing an emotional
song at a talent show?
Maybe Green Day's "Time of Your Life"?
That would really bust this
project wide open for us.
You're both unwell.
Well, that was a bust.
Sorry, I've been holding
this in since burger king.
Oh, seriously? You're just
gonna leave that there?
These people have
suffered a terrible loss.
At least cover it with
leaves or something.
Ugh, fine.
Joe, look. I found something.
- It's a key to a storage unit.
- How do you know that?
Yeah, me and Bonnie have been
doing a fun role-play thing
where she dresses up like a sexy maid
and then locks me in a storage
unit while guys come over.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it's pretty kinky.
I, uh, I play the
role of a sexy armoire,
waiting in another room.
Sounds like she just wants you
out of the house for a while.
Nah. No.
It's okay, Lois. It's a big store.
You may not even run into Peter.
Good morning. How much are the mussels?
$34 a month at Bally's Total Fitness.
- (BELL CHIMES)
- Peter? Why are you behind the fish counter?
I got a promotion,
emphasis on the "otion."
- (BELL CHIMES)
- Fine.
What do you got that's fresh?
Well, I got a teenage son at home.
- What a mouth on that kid.
- (BELL CHIMES)
That's it! You have
ruined groceries for me!
Get the hell out of
my store, you imbecile!
Um, excuse me, miss, did you
just yell at this employee?
You're damn right I did.
He has no business being here.
This man is a member of
the Stop 'n Shop family.
He has every business being here.
You, on the other hand, will have to go.
You're banned from the store.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY): What? No.
Y-you can't do this.
I have shopped here my whole life.
Yes, we know. If it's any consolation,
you'll be in the "In Memoriam"
section of the grocery store Oscars.
("I WILL REMEMBER YOU" BY
SARAH MCLACHLAN PLAYING)
I will remember you ♪
- Will you remember me? ♪
- (CHEERING)
- Don't let your life ♪
- (MAN COUGHS)
LOIS: No! No, no, no. You
can't put me after Betty White.
Didn't Brenda Vaccaro die or something?
(GASPS) No.
I live here in aisle four
with the Kotex tampons.
(WHEEZING)
Still more absorbent
than the leading brand.
(WHEEZING)
The worst part is, I can't even go back
to my favorite grocery store.
I personally think you
should give Peter a taste
of his own medicine and get
a job at his special place.
The men's room at Logan Airport?
No, the Drunken Clam.
Oh, okay, 'cause he had
this one experience there
that he still talks about to this day,
but that is an intriguing idea, Bonnie.
I'm glad you think so.
Well, as white women in conversation,
we're now obligated
to spend five minutes
talking about Sedona, Arizona.
- Oh, I'd love to go.
- I know.
My friend Linda got a massage
there after her divorce.
And my friend Trish
bought a painting there.
- Oh, we got to go.
- We got to go.
Hey, you two haven't
seen Peter, have you?
Asking as a waitress
trying to teach him a lesson
by working at his favorite
place, not as his wife.
Whoa, check out the
turd-cutter on the new chick.
That's right. I work here now.
I'm gonna be here all the time.
Oh, how does it feel to have
someone invade your special space?
It feels great!
Speaking of invading special places,
how about this?
Hey, sweetie, when do you get off work?
Me and my wife are more friends
at this point than anything.
Don't get me wrong, she's a great gal,
raised my children,
but time takes its toll,
you know what I mean?
What? My wife and I have an arrangement,
so I'm not doing anything
wrong here, technically.
Ah, well, this isn't working.
If you want to meet me in my car later,
it's the one with the
"Blue Lives Matter" sticker.
But, like, not for cops,
it's for, it's for Grover.
Who's going in first?
Kind of feels like you
should since you're a dog.
Are you scared, Joe?
Would a scared person do this?
- (SCREAMS)
- Not so fast.
(SERIAL THEME PLAYING)
- Who is that?
- I'm guessing it's the lady from Serial.
Oh, I certainly wouldn't
recognize a podcaster visually.
- I'm Sarah Koenig.
- Big fan of your work.
No one turns another person's
suffering into profit better.
Listen up, I want this
case for my podcast,
so you need to drop it.
And if you don't, I
could make you disappear.
We're sponsored by Casper Mattresses.
That wasn't a threat.
I have a code if you want it.
MAN: Stand down, Sarah.
I'm Keith Morrison,
and I want this case for Dateline.
There are only a few hundred
unsolved murders left,
and there's a million true
crime content creators.
My grandson taught me that term.
Who's "okay, boomer" now?
We're NPR's team of women with lisps
and names nobody's ever had,
like Sylvia Delgado-Smith,
and Audie Takahashi O'shea.
I'm Chris Hansen from
To Catch a Predator,
and I'm just here in case any of you
turn out to be pedophiles.
Warm chocolate chip cookie, anyone?
No! I claimed this cold case for Serial.
Not if I record a Dateline first.
(ALL GRUNTING)
(CHOKING)
♪
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Please rate and review my life.
And someone take care of my dog
you could usually hear in
the background of my podcast.
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
A foggy night at a
storage unit in Quahog.
The sleepy little town of Quahog
is usually all tucked in by 10:00 p.M.
(CLAMORING)
You know what? We're
no better than them.
We've been exploiting the victim's life
for our own personal gain.
I-I think it's time for us
to abandon writing this book.
Or maybe we set it to rap
lyrics and take it to Broadway?
I think we're done here.
You know, Joe, even
though it didn't work out,
it was nice to spend
some time with someone
who actually believed in my writing.
Well, as someone who's never
read a book, I absolutely do.
The waitress from the Clam!
Holy crap, has Lois seen you?!
We really don't have an arrangement.
You got to get out of here!
Oh, Peter, enough.
- What's the matter?
- You wouldn't understand.
Okay.
I'd get back in there, Chief.
(SIGHS) Chris made me come back.
Oh, honey, the grocery store isn't just
where I buy food for the family.
It's my escape.
My refuge from being pestered
with dumb questions from the kids,
or having to clean up your messes.
Sometimes, just a stroll
down the ethnic food aisle
makes me feel like I'm
in a North African bazaar.
Yeah, I don't like the
smells on that aisle.
- And I don't know, it's hard to explain, but
- There's more?!
It's not just a grocery store to me.
There's a whole community of
people there who feel like family.
And now, now I have nothing.
Aw, Lois, I'm so sorry for
ruining your happy place.
And I'm gonna take care of it.
Just like I've been taking care
of that egg since high school.
Oh, my God, I forgot to pick
him up from soccer practice!
Hey, do you need me to call your yolks?
Look, you got to let Lois come back.
Please remove the ban.
She loves this place.
I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
She yelled at a mentally-challenged
person, and that's unforgivable.
What? I'm not mentally challenged.
You're not? But that's literally
the only reason we hired you.
Would a mentally challenged
person be able to do this?
Your name tag says "Big Petey".
(SCOFFS) Why do you
think we all gather round
and applaud you while you ride
the coin-operated horse out front?
'Cause I'm good at horses?
Wow. (CHUCKLES) I really thought
You know, we don't let
all our employees insist
the customers feel their muscles
after bagging their order.
Right?
Okay, fine.
Lois can come back, but you're fired.
I need you to turn
in your gun and badge.
Well, I guess my work here is done.
To the Mickey-copter!
See, Disney? Nothing
here but respectful synergy.
What happened to the open floor plan?
Long story. The WeWork
guy took our entire budget
for the project as a holiday bonus.
But he has long hair and speaks
confidently about the internet,
so he will get about eight more chances.
Ah, yes, the WeWork guy.
They thought he had created
a $47 billion unicorn.
Turns out it was only a two-bit donkey.
That's wet paint, by the way.
Ah, son of a