Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s22e02 Episode Script

How do, lads.
Hello, sailor.
Was that Robinson Crusoe? Sounded more like Billy Hardcastle.
Oooooh! Hey, hey.
Hey, bloomin' heck, hey, damn and blast.
Oooh, Mother, oh! You're right.
It IS Billy Hardcastle.
I thought Howard looked harassed when we left this morning.
I don't look.
It's best not to look.
Otherwise he gets you involved.
SQUELCHING Finished rafting, Billy? Yeah.
Done that.
You must have been out early this morning, Billy.
To build a raft like that must have taken you all of twenty minutes.
One that folds up into pieces.
I was up at the crack of dawn.
Aye, before the wife's sister comes.
Bad attack of the in-laws.
Sorry to hear that.
It's the wife's younger sister.
Her husband's left her.
So she stays with us.
They sit staring at me, looking for signs of infidelity.
I don't even have time to read the newspaper.
I'm gone.
I thought you fancied the outdoors life, Billy.
Not THAT early in the morning.
I feel so guilty waking up the sparrows.
Everyone else hears 'em chirping.
I hear 'em yawning.
What about putting your foot down? He's put both down.
Look at 'em.
Pearl, love.
If you're trying to inflame my senses, it's not working.
Have you seen my shorts? To be honest, I try not to look.
I can't find my shorts.
When did you have 'em last? I can't remember.
They must be here.
They'd better be here! They're not lost, just misplaced.
How can a person lose his shorts? I'm not even going to THINK about that.
They could be anywhere, when you think of the trouble you go to to find places to misplace things in.
You lose one pair of shorts and you never hear the last of it! Let's put it this way.
You'd better get them found and show 'em to me, or you'll lose more than your shorts.
Ahhh! Lord, Barry! I knew it would happen.
You'd be taken from me in your prime.
What is it, Barry? Tell me gently.
I'm fat.
I was just putting this shirt on and I saw in the mirror I've got a profile like Father Christmas.
You scared me to death, Barry.
It didn't do ME any good.
You're not fat.
There's a lot of you still thin.
Where? Tell me.
Give me the good news.
Your ears.
Your ears are still thin.
Round the middle, I'm fat.
You're just cuddly.
I'm never going swimming again.
You never do go swimming, Barry.
Is there any wonder? I'll still love you, Barry, even if you're fat.
You see? You noticed.
I'm fat.
You'd better come in then, Billy, seeing how you daren't go home.
I'm not afraid of anything.
I'm a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
Well, maybe HE daren't go home.
Maybe in the green wood HE was waiting for the wife's sister to go.
Did you see the way this thing suddenly appeared? Did somebody rub an old lamp? I had to pop in, Cleggy, it's an emergency.
Your life is a continual emergency, Howard.
It's like living next door to Bette Davis.
I've lost me shorts.
Definitely an emergency.
With your way of life, one day it was bound to happen.
I bet it was more fun than building a raft.
I've mislaid a pair, and of course Pearl thinks it's suspicious.
Highly.
And I speak professionally, as a former policeman.
It would put her mind at rest if she thought I'd found them.
Can you lend me a pair, Cleggy? Me? Shorts? Do I strike you as a shorts person, Howard? I wear underpants with so much in reserve they'd never squeeze into a pair of shorts.
Don't look at me, Howard.
I wouldn't know where to put me truncheon.
Billy? I've got a pair of shorts.
We were going to Spain until she saw me in 'em.
.
.
Went to Bridlington.
Can I borrow them, Billy? I just need to show her I've found them.
The problem is not lending 'em, but going home to fetch 'em.
You can do it, Billy.
You're not afraid of anything.
Did I say that? I seem to be developing this tendency to exaggerate.
Listen, Billy, if you were going to wear shorts, even if only in Spain, you must have nerves of steel.
I thought it was time for him to be having a cup of tea.
I know when it's time for a cup of tea.
Don't bother to take one back, ladies.
I can drink two.
It's thirsty work, this planning.
How are you this morning, Mrs Batty? Oh, I love how you do your hair.
Ooh, he does know how to compliment a person.
Drink this one first before it gets cold.
Here, mine's come furthest, you drink mine first.
Oh, I do like the way you do your hair(!) If he was mine, there'd be a clean shirt waiting.
There is a clean shirt waiting.
Oh, what's wrong with me now? We haven't time for the full tour.
Let's concentrate on your expression.
My expression? Well, what's wrong with my expression? It may be all right from your side but it's off-putting from our side.
It's not an expression to make a customer feel at home.
How's he going to feel at home at these prices? I can't expect you to change overnight.
You've had a lifetime's experience of being miserable, but when there's a customer approaching, as well as hanging onto his arm so he can't sneak away, I'd like you to try and find an expression that's a bit more welcoming.
What kind of expression? Well, there's one in there somewhere.
You'll have to find it.
Practise.
Oh, you can try it on this lady now.
Now, big welcome.
Warm smile.
Oozing charm and personality.
Just do your best.
Oh, forget it.
You'll have to learn to smile with your back turned.
Oh How do you ride a bike with ALL these hills? Ever thought of flattening them for the benefit of the pedalling public? You'll get used to 'em.
I'll NEVER get used to them.
You would on the right machine.
And guess who happens to have one? The right machine? Something which helps to take the strain.
Trust me, lad.
You're catching me when my resistance is low on account of excessive knee wobble.
Spotted it immediately.
A person hesitates to pry, but you have to wonder HOW he lost his shorts.
He hasn't lost his shorts.
He just THINKS he's lost his shorts.
Which could be considered even stranger! Not when you realise I've hidden them.
Now he's panicking.
He's wondering what he did with them.
Ooh, isn't that a bit sneaky? It's diabolical.
Oh-ho, I love it.
Keeps him on his toes.
You don't mind seeing him suffer a bit, then? No! In fact I quite enjoy it.
Oh, good for you.
Men NEED the discipline.
I suppose that's the one advantage of keeping 'em for ages.
You can really get 'em fully trained.
I never have mine long enough.
The trouble is if you go with men who stray next thing you know, they've strayed.
She was right! The ideal vehicle.
I bet HE's done some straying.
Not the one in front.
No not the one in front.
It's never the ones that do all the pedalling.
I don't know the shepherd's pie.
He's from the shoe stall in the market place.
Smile at him nicely and he'll give you a discount.
No way.
Next thing you know they want something in return.
I don't think YOU'd have a serious problem.
You can't be too careful.
I think we've reached safety after all these years.
Not when they wear glasses.
I know the steak and kidney.
She's from Barford Street.
That's the one.
Isn't that her second husband? Well, you can't imagine him being anyone's FIRST choice.
Come on, he says.
I'll take you for a spin, he says.
Get out together more.
You're doing great, petal.
You're a natural.
What do you do for exercise? You live with him.
Is keeping fit important to you? Am I looking at a fellow enthusiast for the active physical life? It is.
You are.
I am.
What you need is a personal trainer.
Yes.
That's it.
A personal trainer.
How much will one of them cost, I wonder.
Still, there's no gain without pain.
I'll start saving again when I get thin.
Where will I find a personal trainer? You, er Call this number, Barry.
Do it now.
I will.
I'll do it now.
.
.
Thank you.
No problem, Barry.
Who do we know who's a personal trainer? You'll be surprised.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Personal Trainers.
We can discuss the fee after your first free trial lesson for which we only make a small charge to cover expenses.
Yes, we guarantee absolute personal attention.
Well, first, you should contact our managing director, Mr Tom Simmonite.
You're the managing director? Welcome aboard Personal Trainers.
Who's my personal trainer? Say hello to your personal trainer.
Me?! I told you you'd be surprised.
I learned a lot about the difference between men and women when I once had to arrest a lady bouncer.
I wouldn't know where to start.
She'd had a few to drink.
She was in no mood for coming quietly.
It was the closest I'd ever been to somebody without actually being engaged.
How long do I have to do this? Till you remember where you left your shorts.
Did you manage to arrest her? After one or two severe bites.
Do lady bouncers bite? Not her, ME! Well, couldn't I sit on something softer? The whole point of this ancient Eastern method for recovering lost memories is to be so uncomfortable that the only way to ignore the pain is to focus on what you've forgotten.
But if I'm thinking of shorts, it keeps reminding me just where I'm hurting! Where did you come across this ancient Eastern method? I've just invented it.
Well, he's getting the hang of the painful part, but I'm not sure about the memory.
ENGINE ROARS What's he doing sitting crosslegged on a hard surface? It's an ancient Eastern method for jogging the memory.
Truly's just invented it.
I bet Howard remembers THAT for a while.
Have you seen our Barry? My Barry's gone off to be thin.
I want to find him before he overdoes it.
Why don't we help? Then you can give us a lift.
Oh, I'd appreciate the help.
I'd like my Barry back before he goes TOO thin.
I've only just bought him new underwear! Well, come on, then.
Chop chop! They buy new underwear? It's not something there's much call for second hand(!) Whatever happened to making things last? You can't just leave me here! Well, come on.
I can't move.
I've got leg lock.
How long will I stay like this? Out East they've been known to stay like that for 30 years.
I've got an appointment on Thursday.
Oh, well, you'll just have to look her straight in the kneecap and explain that you're determined not to lose any more shorts.
You're getting it, Barry.
I can see the pounds coming off.
How long do I have to be his personal trainer? As long as we can get away with it.
Looking good.
I think he's ready for stage two.
You have told her I've never boxed before? Before I met her, she was the same.
You'll soon get the hang of it.
She'll take you through it gently.
I don't know whether I could hit a lady.
Oh, don't worry about it.
She's used to pain.
.
.
Right.
I want a clean fight, no holding and come out fighting.
Looking good, Barry.
Oh, he's a natural! You sure you've never done this before? Throw a few punches, Barry! Come on.
Get closer.
She's not on e-mail.
What did you hit him like that for? It was just a tap.
He's a paying customer.
Are you coming in? With all the women in there? You must be joking.
I'd sooner be interrogated by MI5.
They have SOME rules.
Sorry.
Well! It's not every day you have to remove a person from your blouse.
Hey up! Eli, that you just bumped into, was that who I thought it was? I've no idea but I think they were identical twins.
Ah, just the lady.
Good heavens.
For what, one wonders.
Can you sneak these shorts to Howard? He's been caught without his shorts.
Well, I'm sure it's no fault of mine.
He needs to borrow a pair.
He's mislaid his own.
Well, not with me, he hasn't.
The only thing he's ever lost with me is his nerve.
Shall you be seeing him? Not without his shorts.
I need to get these to him.
It's really not something you can expect a shy young thing to become involved with.
Well, I hope you haven't bent Howard permanently.
If he ever gets small enough to slip through my letterbox, I'm in trouble.
No.
It's been my experience that barmpots are usually quite flexible.
He's already walking better.
Walking better than what? If he ever gets near water they'll start throwing bread at him.
KNOCK AT DOOR There.
He's recovered already.
Oh, that's not Howard's knock.
Howard always sounds more guilty.
I've brought these shorts for Howard.
Are they crosslegged? If they're not crosslegged they'll never fit.
He's not going to WEAR 'em, just let Pearl have a peek to see he's not lost them.
I don't like it.
I don't like getting mixed up in people's clandestine shorts.
What's your Barry doing up there in the hills, anyway? He's gone off to be thin.
Oh, they can go up there for worse reasons than that.
Why does everybody want to be thin? It's a mystery to those of us in the catering trade.
It's the thin ones that go astray.
You see some woman trying to be thin, and you can bet your life she's not doing it just to keep fit.
Some of us prefer to be thin.
And not so's you can run a mile in five minutes, neither.
My Howard's fairly thin.
He eats like a little horse, but he never puts on any weight.
He must lose it worrying.
What's HE got to worry about? Me.
I like my Barry just as he is.
Well, if you look harder you'll find something that needs improving.
Say what you like about men, but they're better for your figure.
If I hadn't developed an interest in men, I'd have just pigged out on chocolate.
There's often too many nuts in.
Not the chocolate.
The men.
But why does your Barry suddenly WANT to be slim? I expect he wants to stay attractive to women.
Ohh! Oh, from a distance, I expect.
Don't cry, love.
He's not all that attractive.
No, he'll never be all that attractive.
Well, don't just sit there cheering her up(!) I like him cuddly.
I like him with love handles.
Drink your coffee.
It's easy.
We wait until we see the ladies coming out.
Then we walk past as if it were just a coincidence.
You show Pearl your shorts.
You tell her you've just picked them up from the cleaners'.
You forgot they were there.
Which cleaners'? Good grief, man, you're inventing it.
Pick one! I don't like it.
It's sneaky.
Of course it's sneaky.
The art of being married requires a certain competence at being sneaky.
You think he's got it? He's been sneaky all his life.
Yes, but what you've got to remember is that he's not just sneaky, he's an idiot.
He always gets caught.
It's true.
I always get caught.
How can you get caught this time? You just walk past with a smile show her the shorts and you're home and dry.
He'll get it wrong.
I'll have to move for being an accessory! Here they come.
Here we go.
Big confident smile.
Quick flash of the shorts, Howard.
Shorts.
I forgot they were at the cleaners'.
Really.
Well, bring 'em with you and don't lose them again.
You can all come with us.
We're looking for Barry.
You see! That wasn't so bad, was it? GEARS GRIND We'll go in Ros's car.
Yes.
The men can go with Edie.
Why are we taking THEM? They're helping me look for my Barry.
I want no criticism of my driving cos you know what men are like.
They think they're the only ones who can drive.
Our Barry's going a funny colour.
Even from behind he's going a funny colour.
Oh, you can feel the weight falling off him.
Do you think he needs a breather? He'll be going downhill in a minute.
He'll get a breather then.
SQUEAKING If you've any brakes back there now would be a good time.
Use the brakes.
I AM using the brakes.
Now! Don't let go! CRASH! Barry! Who IS that woman? There's no cause for alarm.
She's my personal trainer.
Ohhhh.
Right.
Show me those shorts.
I want to see you wearing them.
Put them on.
Out here? Go behind that bush and put them on.
I knew it.
Now I'll HAVE to move.
It's him that's going to have to move - and fast - when she sees those shorts.
I'm going to kill those cleaners.
Who wants a lift back to town?