South Park s22e02 Episode Script

1 LES: I'm goin' down to South Park Gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation LES: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" LES: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! LES: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine Come on, guys.
We don't wanna be late.
Do I have to go? It's the only day I get to play games.
We're all going.
Come on.
I don't understand why we have to go to church every Sunday.
Church is important, Stan.
Way more important than video games and TV.
Church is about community and coming together a lot of things.
All I know is that after church, I just feel better.
Yeah.
Me, too.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey, mornin', Stephen, Linda! Morning, guys.
MAN: Oh, thanks, there, Randy.
You got it.
Where's Josie? Aw, she slipped her disc in her neck.
Poor thing can barely move.
Aw, she's gonna miss church? That's too bad.
Give her my best.
[CONVERSATIONS STOP.]
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that whoever believed in him should have eternal life.
This is the gospel of the Lord.
TOWNSPEOPLE: Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.
Today's gospel talks about what the Lord has to give us.
He did so because we could not control our temptations.
Kind of like a priest in a room full of naked boys.
[TOWNSPEOPLE SNICKER.]
Okay.
Okay.
Let's let's try and have none of that today.
In John 3:16, the gospel tells us how God so loved the world, he gave to us his only son.
And a Catholic priest raped him.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay, okay.
Come Come on, guys.
N-Now, what greater gift could the Lord have given to us? Children's underwear which priests couldn't pull down so easily.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
Let's Let's try and compose ourselves.
Let's try and just get through this first one, okay, guys? What does it mean that the Lord gave us his only begotten son? It means if you're a cute boy at a Catholic priest swimming party, you better be gettin'! [LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Oh, that was a great one, Nelson.
Salvation in a little boy's mouth.
I'm gonna post that one for sure.
Who said the thing about naked boy salad? Oh, that was Linda! Well, see ya next week, everybody! - Yeah! See ya! - All right.
Take it easy, now! - Bye.
- That was good.
I really don't understand the point of all that.
Yeah, well, I used to think that about church when I was a kid, too.
But back then, I don't know if church was that stupid.
Hey, don't say things like that, Stan.
You wanna go to (BLEEP) hell? [DOOR CREAKS.]
[SIGHS.]
Father, can I talk to you? Of course, my child.
What's troubling you? Well, what's troubling you? You know, at school, the kids used to all make fun of me sometimes.
One kid would say something mean, and then the other kids would laugh.
I know how lousy it feels.
I learned to just walk away, not give 'em all the satisfaction.
Well, we can't all walk away.
The The priesthood is all I know.
I-I dedicated my entire life to it.
I don't know anything else.
I know it seems impossible.
I thought I'd be a punching bag my whole life, but now, I'm one of the popular kids.
I even get invited to board game night at Stan's house.
My point is, sometimes, y-you just gotta put yourself out there.
I wanna be Calamity Jane this time.
How many cards do you start with, Kenny? - Two cards.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh.
There's Butters! Oh, hey, fellas! I hope you don't mind I brought a friend.
Come on in! Uh, hello, my children.
Okay, so, I-I guess I'm gonna go to the saloon and try to arrest Cartman.
Let's see what you got, bitch.
So, Kyle, did you know Father is a really good singer? You like to sing, too, don't you? No.
Praise the Lord for the Lord is good.
Sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.
Ace.
You lose.
RANDY: Hey, Stan.
Have you seen my No way! Hang on! Hang on! I gotta post this! I shouldn't be here.
This is hilarious.
Four boys and a priest playing a board game! Aw, Father wait a I should go.
No, no, no wait.
Let me get the picture.
Father! Aw, shit! I missed it.
Ugh.
Why did you invite Butters to game night? I didn't invite him.
Come on, Father.
You can't give up so fast! This is just gonna make things way worse.
People will rip on me.
Who cares? Who cares what people say? - I do.
- Aw, come on.
You gotta be strong! Why do you care?! Because I was you.
Okay? I wasn't always this cool.
I've been through it.
But then, one day, somebody told me something.
He said, "Life is full of love and light and bountiful things," and you know who told me that? You did! Two years ago in church! You have a right to go and be happy, and if people wanna keep trying to knock you down, well (BLEEP) 'em! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey.
Morning, Mackey.
Happy Sunday! Mornin', Ted, Hazel.
TOWNSPEOPLE: Mornin'! Mornin'! Mornin'! Mornin'! Ah, doin' better.
Huh, Josie? A lot better, thank you.
All right.
[DOOR HANDLE RATTLES.]
[GRUNTS.]
Huh.
What the? It's not open.
Let me try.
[DOOR HANDLE RATTLES.]
Hey! Hey, it's 9:00! Hey! What's going on? [LOCK DISENGAGES, DOOR OPENS.]
Ohhhhh! [LAUGHTER.]
There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find something better to do! [DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLICKS.]
Hey.
Hey! Open the door! Hey! Come on! [GRUNTS.]
Well, this sucks.
What are we supposed to do without church? I just feel so empty.
What are you guys so upset about? Shut up, Shelly! Isn't this great, Father? Fresh, mountain air.
Nice, warm fire.
I have to admit, it's a pretty nice way to spend a Sunday.
How many are your works, Lord? In wisdom, you made them all.
[GIGGLES.]
Yeah.
The Lord's pretty cool.
He is because he brought me you.
Faith in Christ Faith in Christ Faith in Christ Faith in Christ Faith in Christ Faith in Christ Faith in Christ Faith in Christ [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Denver Archdiocese.
The Lord be with you.
And with your spirit, m'kay.
Uh, my name is counselor Mackey, and w-we seem to be having a little problem with our local church here in South Park.
Our, uh our priest has gone missing.
Oh, not another one! All right.
Listen to me carefully.
Your local priest has not done anything wrong.
Probably just taking some time off.
Why is that suspicious? Well, it's not suspicious.
We just kind of don't know what to do, you know? We'll take care of it.
There's no need to involve the authorities.
Just sit tight.
[BUTTON CLICKS.]
Send in a clean-up crew now.
[DOORS OPEN.]
We've got another one.
A priest in South Park has gone rogue and is probably out doing his thing.
I need you guys to get up there and clean up his mess.
Don't worry, Your Holiness.
By the time we're done with that town, there won't be a lick of cum anywhere.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SONG PLAYING.]
BUTTERS: Happy Birthday, Clyde! Hope you don't mind I brought a friend! For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works.
Dude, what are you talking about? Come on, Father! Let's go tear up the skating rink! Just leave it alone, Clyde.
Butters brings him everywhere.
I don't care.
I don't want a priest at my (BLEEP) birthday party! It's all right, Clyde.
It's all right.
[SONG PLAYING.]
That's it! You're doin' great! Oh, aah! Oh, Mother Mary.
I feel like everyone's staring at me.
[CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY.]
Nobody's staring! I'm gonna go get us some soda pop.
You just mingle with the other fellas! [DEPRESSING COUNTRY SONG PLAYING.]
What's it all about, huh? Are we just bags of carbon and water put on this planet for no purpose? You're born.
You die.
Then you're just food for the worms.
It all does seem pretty meaningless.
Hey! The church is back open! There's people inside! - What? - They church is back open? Oh, boy! Let's go! Let's go! - The church is back open! - Thank God! Let's go! [VACUUM WHIRRING.]
Scrub everything.
Police can detect even a milligram of cum and rectal blood.
Hey! Oh.
Uh, hello, my children.
The Lord be with you.
TOWNSPEOPLE: And with your spirit.
What, uh, what are you guys doing? Oh, we're just giving the place a nice scrub down while we wait for your priest to come back.
He was called to South America last week.
Last week? No, he was at my house a couple days ago playing board games with the boys.
[WHIRRING STOPS.]
No, he wasn't.
Look.
I assure you everything is fine.
Your priest will be back.
Just have some patience.
ALL: Aw! Come on, guys.
[VACUUM WHIRS.]
Scrub everything.
Bleach those board-game pieces.
You find something on that chair? It's either blood and cum or ketchup and mayo.
Well, just get rid of it.
Bleach the entire top of the table.
That's probably where he mounted them.
Uh, excuse me? Oh.
Hello, my son.
What are you doing? What are we doing about what? Well, I mean, it looks like you're scrubbing and bleaching our table and chairs.
Mnh-mnh.
That's not what's going on.
Your local priest was never here, actually.
Yeah, he was.
I played with him.
Oh, you did? Better get the Kumby.
What's a Kumby? We're just here to cleanse your spirit, my child.
Praise be to Christ.
[KUMBY BLOOPS.]
[KUMBY BLOOPS.]
BOYS: Happy birthday, dear Clyde Happy birthday to you [BLOWS OUT CANDLES.]
BOYS: Yay! And now, let us pray.
Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive Kyle, will you do something, please? - Why me? - Kyle! through Christ, Our Lord.
Amen.
Uh, Butters, can I talk to you really fast? Oh, sure, Kyle.
Be right back, Father.
All right, my child.
What's up? Butters, you know, you can't just bring your priest with you everywhere.
I mean, sometimes the guys just wanna do stuff and not have a priest around.
What are you saying, Kyle? I'm saying it's just kind of awkward, Butters.
He's bumming everybody out.
Nobody wants to hear about Jesus at a birthday party.
Well, of course you don't.
It's not just me.
It's everybody, Butters.
He can try all he wants, but he just doesn't belong here.
Well, I'm sorry for trying to help out somebody who didn't have anywhere else to turn.
We'll both just leave.
I thought you were better than that, Kyle.
[MELODY CHANGES.]
Faith in Christ Faith in Christ [SONG PLAYING.]
All right, clean and scrub everything.
I want it spotless! Get any evidence the priest might have left behind.
There's something over here.
But I can't tell if it's cum or frosting.
It's an 8-year-old's birthday party.
Of course it's cum.
Get the Kumby! Praise be to Christ.
[KUMBY BLOOPS.]
Hello, young man.
We're looking for your town priest.
Was he here? Yeah, but he left with Butters.
Tell me about this Butters.
- CLYDE: All right, that does it! - [KUMBY BLOOPS.]
Get outta my birthday party, or else I'm gonna call the police! Father! Father? Has anybody seen my priest? Father, where'd you go? There you are! I been lookin' everywhere.
Just leave me alone.
But you're missin' the party.
Look, your friends are right, okay? I don't belong there.
I-I don't belong anywhere.
They just don't understand you like I do.
Stop defending me! There's things you don't know! But it's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
It is my fault! Why?! Because I knew! All right?! I knew.
Years ago, when bad things started coming out about the Catholic Church, I went to Vatican, and I I found out that the problem was worse than anyone even thought.
I thought I could help fix it, so I kept my mouth shut.
I thought there was a cancer in the Church that we could get rid of.
But the Church is the cancer.
It's not about a few bad apples.
There's only a few good apples, and I'm clearly not one of them.
So just stay away from me! But I thought we were pals.
You thought wrong.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
[BRAKES CREAK.]
Hey.
Hey, there.
What's the matter, my child? Did you know that Jesus loves you? Sometimes I wonder.
"And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me.
" Wanna Three Musketeers? No, thanks.
You like camping trips? You wanna go camping? No.
I got a bunny in the back.
You wanna see the bunny? Well, okay! Stan? I have no idea what's going on.
Worst birthday ever! [VAN DOORS SLAM.]
[CHATTER ON TELEVISION.]
Boring.
Dumb.
Stupid.
Good, but dated in its view of gender norms.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Ugh.
Hello, Mr.
Marsh.
Father! Hey, Sharon, it's Father! - Mr.
Marsh, please - He's back! - Father's back! - I'm just going around trying to locate little Butters Stotch.
I thought he might be here playing a board game with your son? Oh, no, I haven't seen Butters.
Or Stan.
But, Father, please, we all need church.
I'm sorry, but I have to keep looking.
I said some terrible things.
Please, Father, we're all lost, and the clean-up crew hasn't helped at all.
What clean-up crew? [CRICKETS CHIRPING, OWL HOOTS.]
[FIRE CRACKLES.]
Any sign of him? No, but this should draw him out.
The cute one says it's where he and the priest first got together.
All right.
When the priest gets here, we'll take care of him and then eradicate this entire place of any evidence.
Should I bring out the Kumby? No, this is gonna be a bigger job than that.
Bring out the Cumboni.
[ENGINE BLOOPING.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Hey, Randy, what's up? Stephen! Stephen, listen The boys are missing.
Father Maxi thinks they've been taken by the other priests! Taken by priests? Should we call the police or buy some condoms? [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
O-Okay, that was good.
But, seriously, we have to find these guys! The boys are in danger! But where would priests go this late at night? To a midnight sale at Boys-R-Us? Wha What'd she say? She said, "to a midnight sale at Boys-R-Us.
" Can Can I post that? - Sure, she doesn't care.
- Give me that! Mr.
Stotch, have you heard from Butters at all? Well, yeah, we got a really weird text from him saying not to worry, he needed to do some camping.
Oh, my Lord.
I know where to go.
And when we get there I'll need to go in alone.
Yeah, I'll bet.
[SNORTS.]
He's not showing up.
CLEAN UP BISHOP: Try the Priest Call.
[BOY'S VOICE.]
I love Jesus! I love Jesus! I don't think he's coming.
Oh, he's coming all right, just not here.
Let's start packing up.
You Get on the Cumboni and eradicate this place along with everything in it.
Yes, Your Holiness.
PRIEST MAXI: Wait! Father.
You wanted to find me.
Well, here I am.
I know why you're here.
The church can't have someone like me going around, making it look bad.
So go ahead.
Do it.
Just get it over with.
What?! No! You think we searched all over town and set up this trap to kill you? We're Catholics.
We're here to give you what you deserve.
A full transfer to the beautiful Maldive Islands! Luxury airfare and beach house included! [APPLAUSE.]
A transfer? The church took care of everything, just like it always has from the beginning.
"Thank you for cleaning up all my cum.
" I can just go? I can start over in the Maldives? No one will make fun of you there.
They can't even speak English.
And don't worry there'll be plenty of priests to take your place here.
Look, I know it's a big change, but you know what you have to do.
Yes, I do.
I don't think I have any other choice.
No.
He can't.
Well, our work here is done! Praise be to Christ, guys.
It certainly was a tough one, but I think we got everything cleaned up and [ENGINE STARTS.]
[CUMBONI BLOOPING.]
[HORN HONKING.]
- Aaaah! - The Cumboni! Aah! Aaaaaagh! Aah! Aaaaaagh! [SQUISH.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Nooooooooo! Br-br-br-br-br-br! [ENGINE STOPS, BRAKES HISS.]
Father, you did it! I'm so sorry, my child.
I never meant to say we weren't pals.
Does that mean you're gonna stay? Of course.
Now I have purpose, and I have meaning.
My job here is to protect you.
All of you.
[DOOR HANDLE RATTLES.]
The Lord be with you.
ALL: And with your spirit.
Today, I'd like to talk on the subject of penance.
The penitent have deep remorse, but for true penance, we must be humble enough to admit that the Lord's forgiveness is undeserved.
Kind of like how getting raped by a Catholic priest is undeserved.
[SNICKERING.]
In Job 42:6, we read, "Therefore I reprehend myself and do penance in dust and ashes.
" And in choir boys' butts and asses.
[LAUGHTER.]
So we are not to punish ourselves, but instead we are to make ourselves passionate.
Like a Catholic priest at a Chuck E.
Cheese.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, God, it's good to have my faith back! Passionate to understand all that Christ sacrificed and how hard it truly was.
WOMAN: How hard what truly was? [LAUGHTER.]