Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s22e03 Episode Script

HE HUMS JAUNTILY Howard.
Yes, Honey Bun? You're very chirpy this morning.
You're up to summat.
Well, some days you just feel glad to be alive.
I must be slipping.
Don't ever change.
I like YOU just the way you are.
CONTINUES TO HUM Clegg! I must warn you, I intend to plead not guilty.
Whatever he's done, I have an alibi.
Anyway, he's not here.
I know WHERE he is.
It's HOW he is that's worrying me.
Is he poorly? Oh, worse than that.
He's cheerful.
There's nothing more sinister than him being cheerful.
Maybe you could break his leg or something.
He won't stay still long enough.
He's up to summat, and I wondered if you had anything planned.
Well, I haven't.
Especially if you have to be cheerful.
You ought to have married again.
With your gift for unexcitement, you'd have made a good husband.
I don't want to rush into anything.
I see.
Well, if he's not up to summat with you lot, he must have other plans.
And how are you this bonny morning, Cleggy? Ha-ah! She's right, you're up to something.
They're all going out on a ladies' outing this afternoon.
I've got the afternoon completely free.
Oh! Your own little lady's outing.
I wouldn't say that.
I thought I might have a little bicycle ride or something.
I wish you well, Howard.
I wish you a fair wind and a chance meeting with a bicycle that doesn't have a crossbar.
Stranger things have happened.
You're never going to sell this lot.
Don't take that negative attitude.
We need some positive thinking.
Well, I'm positive you'll never sell this lot.
No wonder your wife let you go and kept the parrot.
These are wonderful all-terrain, go-anywhere mopeds.
Do you know anyone who's looking for a wonderful all-terrain, go-anywhere moped? No, but that's where you come in.
It's your job to go out and convince people of the desirability of all-terrain, go-anywhere mopeds.
Me? You see, you've got it already.
You can be quite quick.
I wasn't talking about somebody else.
Sometimes I wish I WAS somebody else.
Sometimes I think you've nearly made it.
Oh, regard it as a challenge.
Well, get aboard.
Try and look like an enthusiast.
Oh, do I HAVE to ride it? Well, I thought it might be easier than carrying it.
Driving's bad enough, but why do I have to wear a uniform? No.
Let's get more specific.
Why do I have to wear a too-small uniform? Image is everything.
Don't worry about it, my little love.
You look great.
I'll only get flustered.
You've been driving a bus for ever.
You were driving a bus when we met.
My own bus.
I don't like driving other people's.
Where's SHE going dressed like that? Oh, doesn't she look terrific? That air of quiet confidence, of command.
This is your captain speaking.
She doesn't look very confident to me.
I get flustered.
This is your captain hesitating.
She exaggerates.
Wearing that? Has she got room for exaggerating? I end up not knowing left from right.
You've only got two choices, my little petunia, a good fifty-fifty chance at each junction.
That does it.
If there's going to be junctions Now turn round for Mrs Batty.
She's got a good eye for appearance.
Else she wouldn't wear those hats.
Doesn't she look well, Mrs Batty? Overall I'd say quite presentable.
I admire how he takes care of you.
It must be nice living with someone so thoughtful.
Oh, you should do it for him.
Well, why can't HE drive? Because I shall be toiling away at my allotment.
It's back-breaking, but I know how much she loves her fresh veg.
Oh, bless him! I hope he doesn't overdo it.
He won't.
Have you seen him working at his allotment? Show me your left.
Nearly.
Two teas, please, Ivy.
What's wrong with him? I don't know.
I just hope nobody thinks it's MY cooking.
You've got a face on you, Billy.
The trouble is it's his own.
Feller phones me from Bolton.
Owns a chippy.
Wears a moustache.
You could tell all this over the phone? He told me.
This stranger rings you up to tell you he's got a moustache? He phoned me because he'd heard I was a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
Billy, you've become famous in Bolton, Lancs.
He was calling his new place Robin Hood's Chippy.
Could I open it next Tuesday? Dressed as Robin Hood? Well, it's not something you can do out of uniform.
I still don't see why he told you that he'd got a moustache.
Well, it seems damned sinister now, if you can't pick up a phone without revealing whether you're wearing a moustache.
He said, him and the mayor'd meet me off the bus.
The mayor'd be wearing a chain and he'd have a moustache.
Which can't be ideal for a chippy, with that under his nose collecting the frying odours.
You're going by bus next Tuesday dressed as Robin Hood? I'm not going anywhere.
We were just negotiating whether the fee would be in halibut or cod, when I heard this giggling and I realised somebody was taking the wee-wee.
Maybe it was the mayor.
They DO take the wee-wee.
If you go on buses dressed as Robin Hood I'd have had me anorak over it.
Oh, I see.
Plain clothes.
If you want to be a direct descendant of Robin Hood, love, you don't need anybody's permission from Bolton.
Ivy's right.
Let them pick their own idiots not start on ours.
It's good to be among friends.
I'm getting quite emotional.
I think I'll take this, Barry.
Oh, Barry, why did you back into our patio umbrella? Yeah, I was wondering that.
How many people are taking tables? We're all taking tables and chairs.
We're not sitting about on damp grass.
Will it all go in the minibus? Yes.
There'll be plenty of room.
It all folds up.
Will you be all right while I'm away? I don't usually go far without you.
I'll be fine.
You monster, Barry! If you're fine while I'm away, that means the magic's wearing off of our marriage.
You can't wait to see the back of me.
I-I can wait to see the back of you.
No, I'll try to be fine.
I'll try bravely.
I'll be pining for you.
You will? All the time.
You know I will.
I'll stay, then.
I'll not go.
No, you've got to go.
Your mother's expecting you.
I'll go.
As long as I'm sure you don't want me to.
I'll try to telephone.
Take your mobile.
Yes! I'll get my mobile.
Then you can kiss me goodbye.
On a mobile? Oh, that won't catch on.
Psst! A newspaper with legs.
It's the Daily Howard.
How did you know it was me? Oh, just a girl's intuition.
And I believe I remember those socks from a previous occasion.
I don't think we ought to be seen together.
Not this morning, anyway.
But this afternoon could be different.
We're going for a bicycle ride.
In broad daylight? In broad daylight.
A few sandwiches, a glass of wine.
Oh, Howard! I shall see your socks again.
Oh, Marina.
Are you sure it'll be safe? All the ladies are going for a picnic.
Not ALL the ladies, Howard.
There'll be one with you, hoping that you'll return her in the same condition.
Don't I always? Every single time.
Have no fear.
I know exactly where they're going.
So we will be in the other direction.
For good or ill.
Do you like cheese and onion flavour? I thought I'd bring us some crisps.
So that's how it begins! They dangle these little enticements before you.
Surprise me, Howard.
Ooh, I hope it doesn't rain.
It's not going to rain.
You said that last time.
I was misinformed.
I know the feeling.
We've got umbrellas.
We've got everything except a cellar and an attic.
- Well, we're not romping on damp grass.
- No, those days are over.
Not before time.
It's funny how the things you used to find romantic now just give you arthritis.
When did you feel romantic with your Howard? Oh, it were before I met Howard.
Oh, the ones that got away.
I never knew you had a boyfriend before me father.
Well, as long as it wasn't after.
Drink your coffee.
It's me, Barry.
I said I'd ring.
No, we haven't got off yet.
We're waiting for the bus She's very young.
I think it's sweet.
Pointless, but sweet.
Tom used to travel.
He used to be what he called a free spirit.
Maybe he could advise me.
If I decide to go and live by my wits.
That's not a lot to live on, Billy.
The cheque's in the post.
I'd let you in but I can't control this dog! FRANTIC BARKING Billy wants advice on being a free spirit! Advice on being a free spirit can come quite expensive, you know.
I just want a hint or two, not a degree course.
Come in.
We'll negotiate.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hi.
It's me, Barry.
Are you all right? We're just leaving.
The bus is here.
You're SURE you're all right? I'm just going for a game of golf.
Well, of course I'll be careful Lightning? Well, the forecast was good No! I don't know any golfer with his own lightning conductor.
ENGINE STARTS I'll have to go, Barry.
Don't do anything dangerous.
Bye, love.
Couldn't you have phoned from the bus? It's a private conversation.
You shouldn't be saying things that are not fit for your mother to hear.
Are we ready, then? Can we stop off at my place? Which way's that, then? Turn left at the end of the street.
Left! Left! LEFT! Sorry.
Truly.
Ta.
Here.
Ta.
Freedom is a mental attitude.
Well, you're halfway there, Billy.
Are you often here working in the allotments? Never stops.
What's tha growing? More idle.
Apart from that.
Growing? You mean all that digging and stuff? Are you not expected to go home occasionally with armloads of vegetables? Well, yes, but you can buy them.
DOORBELL CHIMES The cheque's in the post.
It'll only take three days to clear.
Longer, I shouldn't wonder.
They need some encouragement.
It must be dispiriting trying to get money from the likes of me.
I wish he'd said that before I got the beer.
DOORBELL CHIMES AGAIN Grrwolll! Grr-grr! GROWLING CONTINUES Hey up! It's Smiler.
Come in, Smiler.
Aww, aww, oh, aww What's happened? You know them all-terrain, go-anywhere mopeds? I've just found a place where they WON'T go.
Smells a lot like pig manure.
It IS pig manure.
Me hand slipped on the throttle, you see.
She shot forward, and suddenly everything went black.
Well, dark BROWN, anyway.
Hey, what a pity it's so difficult to package this stuff and sell it.
Oh, I don't know, if we dried it, sprayed it, put it in a fancy box and went for the health market.
Oh, I can't stand here dreaming of untold wealth and manure.
Auntie Wainwright's got six of them mopeds, and I've still got five more to test.
We could give him a hand.
To do what? To test five all-terrain, go-anywhere mopeds.
Oh, an afternoon in the hills - go-anywhere - I like it.
Where you going? Anywhere.
Which way are you ladies heading? Why? Well, suppose you get lost.
Get lost, Howard.
Suppose I have to send out a search party? Oh, I don't like not knowing where you are.
We've had too many years together for me not to want to know where you are.
Put the chairs on the bus, Howard.
I want you to be careful.
Just because you think I'm interested in other women, doesn't mean I don't care.
Get off.
What do you think you're doing? I just want you to know, kid, whose property you are.
Wrap up, Howard! Uh, they're going Maddeley way.
You turn left at the first roundabout.
Left? Oh, damn! Another left.
First left.
I'd off-road test them meself, but I have to watch the shop.
If you're going to do it, do it right.
They'll do it right.
They're in trained police hands, madam.
Put them through their paces.
Now, are they ready, do you think? Are they psyched up? Are they ready for a bit of rugged all-terrain? We're ready, we're ready.
YeahHE'S ready.
All very well, but some of us can't ride 'em on the road.
We don't have the licence.
You can ride them off-road.
Who's not got licences? Well, the others can tow you as far as Wesley's, and he'll give you a ride in his Landrover.
Now, just remember, a firm hand but basically, they're pussy cats.
Any questions? Have you got one that's been neutered? Do we turn left here or right? Right.
No, no! Right.
Right! Go right.
How many times is that bloke going to pass? You're getting sneaky with that putting.
You've been working on it.
One day they'll know my name in this golf club.
Hey up! It's the captain and his cronies.
Let's watch.
Good idea.
Move back, you people.
Not too close.
Oh, the captain spoke to us.
He called us "you people".
He noticed us.
Oh, look at the stance.
Look at that grip.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS What are you doing? We should have arrived by now! Honestly! It's no good shouting at me, I only get flustered.
Anybody can make mistakes.
It's a nice day.
You've come out to enjoy yourself.
Relax! It's no good shouting at me.
I'm not coming back on that bus till you all stop shouting at me.
If we all take deep breaths and try to stay calm, things will only get better.
Oh, this is a nice place.
We came for a picnic.
I suggest we have a picnic.
Shouldn't we wait for the driver? She didn't wait for us.
Auntie Roz was right.
It IS a nice place.
I'm enjoying the picnic.
I used to come up here with Wally on the motorbike in the sidecar.
We had many a Sunday afternoon ride.
I know.
Took him a week to get over it.
They don't take instruction well.
I've never been in a sidecar.
Oh, I'm glad there's something you've missed doing.
They can't be very convenient for building a relationship.
Oh, there's a window that slides open.
We sometimes used to hold hands.
Before we were married, of course.
I hope my Barry's all right.
Well, I hope my Howard's all right.
I punctured his bicycle before I left.
He hates getting punctures.
Mine used to hate getting letters.
Especially from their wives.
Come on! I want to celebrate the end of off-roading.
You were getting the hang of it.
You could soon be opening chippies in Bolton.
Petal, wh-where, where's your bus? Vanished.
Just like that.
One minute they were there, the next - gone.
I think she needs a drink.
She's clearly had a nasty experience.
Oh, don't worry, my little wallflower, we'll find your bus.
You won't! It's gone.
There are some mysterious things happening round here.
I'll get the drinks in.
Well, that's mysterious, for a start.
You can't have lost a bus.
Not a whole bus.
It's gone.
Vanished.
Without a sound.
A bus full of ladies without a sound! Now, that IS mysterious.
Suppose some vehicle goes by and sees us together.
It won't be a vehicle we'll have to worry about.
It went in the other direction.
They were going that way.
We're quite safe this way.
A whole afternoon just to ourselves, Howard.
Heaven knows how we're going to fill every golden moment.
I've brought us some crisps and an orange.
That's what they do.
First they shower you with gifts.
I know you like cheese and onion flavour.
Whatever happens, you WILL treat me like a lady? I hope I always shall.
Oh, Howard.
Oh, Marina.
VEHICLE APPROACHES What happened, Howard? Is it over? Was that it? Oh, come on, love Come on Perhaps she'll be better lying down in the back.
THUMP! I can't bear to see her in that condition.
I think I'd better ride in the cab.
You threw me over the wall, Howard.
Just be thankful I'm only throwing your bicycle.
I didn't throw you over the wall, precious.
It may have LOOKED like I was.
Don't you want your cheese and onion? VEHICLE APPROACHES Howard! What are you doing among that woman?