Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s22e05 Episode Script

Is this it? We've come all this way just to stare under water? Your father used to enjoy it, but then he used to enjoy Nora Batty.
I suppose, we all have these weird ideas.
We noticed YOU do.
I think that's true.
I once went through this really bad patch when I thought I wanted to be the Minister of Agriculture.
That's REALLY weird.
I have to ask what exactly are we looking for? Tell him to keep an eye out for these weird, wriggly things.
Sounds just like the Vice Squad.
- What size weird, wriggly things? - Aye, I was wondering about that.
Minute.
Little baby things.
That's what people think when they get baby alligators for pets.
Well, I don't think they look like alligators.
Ah, but you're not sure, are you? You've got us with our noses inches away from goodness knows how many gaping jaws.
They're only this big.
For starters but where's mummy? Of course, a trained observer might point out that we're not actually in the upper reaches of the Zambesi.
I know what you're telling me.
You're telling me that there are no alligators in Yorkshire waters.
Have you had your water bill lately? And they say Robin Hood was a bandit.
There are no alligators round here.
We're in the wrong climate.
Ah, used to be.
But along comes a global warming and look what's on your bird table.
A couple of pythons and a vulture.
He was nearly Minister responsible.
Litterbugs everywhere, yeah, but, but that's all.
Aha, have you checked? I mean who checks? When's the last time you saw anybody checking for alligators? Tha's never seen anybody around here being eaten by one.
Not by a Yorkshire alligator.
He'd want chips with it.
I'm punctual.
I'm conscientious.
I'm executive material, so why haven't they made me a manager? As a manager, suppose you had a secretary who didn't care about your wife and children? We haven't got children.
Just as well with you involved with your secretary.
You don't think I'm ready, do you? I'm an in-charge sort of guy.
You always make ME decide everything.
You see how good I am at delegating? Now, THAT'S a managerial suit.
It looks like a set of vertical blinds.
A bloke could quickly get promoted in a suit like that.
I hate it.
It's not you at all.
You see, you can feel it dominating you.
That's power dressing.
I can almost hear it giving orders! Barry, it's not your kind of suit.
No, this is my kind of suit and look where it's got me.
Barry, I chose that suit.
And nobody could have chosen a better suit for recreational purposes.
You won't have time for recreational purposes if you get promoted.
You've got enough responsibilities.
Such as? Such as behaving responsibly by not sulking now we've decided you don't want that suit.
Does he get into every corner? He gets into corners you wouldn't believe.
He looks a very handy size for round the house.
- Problem is keeping them round the house.
- Without 'em being under your feet.
It's very tricky getting the balance just right.
He's quick and slippery.
He's like Houdini.
Oh, I couldn't live with any Italians.
They're too emotional.
I don't suppose you're actually under threat.
I like Pavarotti but I don't imagine he'd be any good around the house.
They're not usually good at windows.
Of course, you don't find out till you're married and then it's too late.
That's not the only thing.
I've always said there ought to be places where unmarried couples could go to practise.
It used to be Butlins in my day.
Er, my Wally used to leave streaks.
Mine leaves LIKE a streak if I turn my back on him.
I could always manage MY husbands, but it sounds terribly difficult when they're your own.
It's a relief sometimes to have them poorly in bed.
Hard work, but you know where they are.
What do you feed yours on? You wouldn't think so, but he does get a balanced diet.
That COULD be your trouble.
They want plenty of stodge.
If you get it just right you can guarantee they'll hardly be able to move between meals.
What are you looking at? Oh, I was just wondering.
What do you want for dinner? Oh, anything, love.
I'll leave it with you.
You heard him.
He volunteered.
When the time's right, Waldo and I are going to burst into showbiz with this ventriloquist act.
What's the delay? It's him.
He's so shy.
I'm slowly building his confidence.
And people think I'M barmy.
We can understand that.
It's probably US that's been telling 'em you're barmy.
BANGING That sounds like Whoops, it is.
Give me that spade.
Groowwwll! I can't sell carpet in a bomb like that.
Oh, petal! I never heard you coming.
I bet everybody else did.
Either IT goes or I go.
Oh, relax, my little wallflower.
If you have a problem Tom's always here for you.
What makes you think I can lay carpet? Oh, you sold it, then? No, I haven't.
Well, we'll deal with the fitting problem when it arises.
You once thought you couldn't tell fortunes.
Are you listening to me? I'm listening.
In your case it's not always easy to tell.
I'll be all right.
Just enjoy yourself.
Oh, I've never enjoyed enjoying myself.
I've always been happier attending to business.
Then why start enjoying yourself? That's right.
Begrudge me a bit of enjoyment.
You won't enjoy it.
Then I'm going to have to learn.
The doctor says I've GOT to learn.
He said at my time of life it's time I had a bit of enjoyment.
Took some time off work.
Otherwise I could finish up as a mean, old woman.
It's a bit late! You ARE a mean, old woman.
You see.
I told you.
Well, things are going to change.
I'm GOING to take some time off.
I'm going to become a more rounded, sociableeven loveable person.
Talk about a lifetime's occupation.
How long are you going to be gone? Oh, I can't tell you how long I'm going to be gone.
The whole point is not to be on a timetable.
To be free.
To forget all your business affairs.
I'll be back in half an hour.
You're going to become loveable in half an hour?! .
.
It's a start.
Why Minister of Agriculture, Norm? I expect there wasn't a vacancy at the Home Office.
I was always fond of gardening.
I never liked gardening.
We've noticed.
I find it hard on your back.
You're not supposed to do it on your back.
Ask the Minister of Agriculture here.
I was going through that "dark night of the soul" which descends, I suppose, on every lino salesman.
Bound to.
I suppose these days they offer counselling.
Mrs Liversedge went for counselling, to save her marriage.
She ran off with the counsellor.
Talk about taking your work home.
You haven't got an address? She probably needs a new carpet.
They went to London.
People have no shame.
Fancy moving to London! Even in those days we all had forms to fill.
And every time I got to 'occupation' I found it harder to write lino salesman.
I had this pen that kept wanting to write Minister of Agriculture.
I'd have had to be Minister of Transport.
I couldn't spell agriculture.
Showing off a bit, aren't we? Since when could you spell transport? Hey-up, Barry! Been buying a new suit? Not necessarily a suit, Mr Hardcastle.
It might LOOK as if I'd been buying a suit.
It does, Barry.
It looks as though you've been buying a new suit.
And very radiant you're going to look in it.
Bye! That's a fierce bit of cloth in't wrong hands.
You have experience of the city, Mr Truelove.
Experiences, lad, that would give you sleepless nights.
And that was just trying to find a place to park.
From a management perspective, would you say that this suit would pass for power dressing? Battery or mains? I think you'd have all the power you need there, lad.
It looks like the National Grid.
It'd be a deadly bird puller in Daily Telegraph circles.
I can use that in my act.
I bet it does its own act! This is between ourselves.
Glenda doesn't understand.
I'll have to keep this VERY quiet.
Oh, I'd certainly do that with it.
Oh, a secret suit.
Just till she begins to recognise its executive qualities.
To start with, I'll wear it just at work but not at home.
If I can find somewhere to change.
I hate becoming an accessory to a secret suit.
PHONE RINGS Hello.
Wainwright's.
It's me again.
I'll ring off if you're busy with customers.
I'm NOT busy with customers.
You said that last time.
It's becoming a habit I wish you'd break.
All that keeps me going is thinking of a shop full of customers.
How long have I been away? You haven't been half an hour yet.
Ooh! Doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself.
HE SNIFFS My favourite.
It is.
You've done my favourite.
We live to serve.
Do you want chips or mashed? Mashed.
Bags of butter.
Creamy mashed! And plenty of it.
With loads of gravy.
Ohbliss! In our darkest hours I've always clung to the thought that nobody does better gravy.
I remember you whispering that to me We were on honeymoon.
I thought "funny" But what's the occasion? Why the special treat? Sometimes a wife looks at her man and realises she OWES him one.
Maybe she's manoeuvring for a second honeymoon.
People think it must be great but I tell you it's a big responsibility this power over women.
Can't stop.
Emergency tailoring.
Well, what's the hurry? We've got to get Barry into his secret suit.
It's not the sort of suit you can go slow with.
Don't tell everybody.
Hey up, what's that delicious smell? That is a signal from the kitchen that says "Who loves ya, baby?" Have you seen Barry? Barry? Your son-in-law.
I know who he is.
Sometimes, without a number plate it doesn't register.
Why would you think I should have seen Barry? I'm under this van and he's not there.
- He's left me! - Not for ME he hasn't.
She loses him every 20 minutes.
I've been too hard with him.
Nonsense! You spoil him rotten.
You didn't learn that from your mother.
I underestimated his need for a suit.
He's got a suit.
Some people need more than one.
Why would you need more than one suit? Well, they're not an industrial disease.
Close.
Get off! I should have been gentler with him.
He only wanted to be a power dresser.
A suit with a motor in it? There's a novelty.
What effect did you want, lad? I'm not sure you've cracked it.
If it was 'conspicuous', he's got conspicuous pretty well down.
Well, it's supposed to say managerial.
Natural leader.
This bit's managerial.
Can you lift this leg, Barry? Oh, yes, I think that's managerial.
- Cracked it.
- Definitely a power leg.
Congratulations, Barry.
That's one leg that's BOUND to get promoted.
The whole suit is supposed to say executive material, FORCEFUL personality, decision maker! He needs a flower in his buttonhole.
Barry needs a flower in his buttonhole, a bowler hat and a furled umbrella.
He'll never get all that in his buttonhole.
That is still the uniform for the executive classes.
Where do I get a bowler hat? My granddad's on top of the wardrobe.
I'nt it time you brought him down? Sit outside for a minute.
Get some fresh air.
Maybe I shouldn't have had that third helping.
Looked like you were enjoying it.
Every mouthful.
Oh, it's just that it's started laying a bit heavy.
Ohand you usually so active.
I think maybe having a pudding was a bad idea.
Oh, you've had worse ideas than THAT.
DOOR OPENS Barry, tha's going to have to road test that suit sometime.
Now's the time, lad.
Let's get a few reactions from the general public.
I'm not sure about the hat.
Shouldn't you be able to see? Let's not rush to blame the hat.
Let's be fair - maybe your head's too small.
It IS.
His head's too small.
Is that allowed in power dressing? I'll bet tha can sing, Barry.
The acoustics should be great.
Granddad only wore it on Sundays.
So if it sets off in direction of the chapel, you'll have to fight it.
I'm sorry, Barry.
I hope it isn't anybody too close.
Too close? Well, the funeral.
Whose funeral? Probably yours when Glenda catches you in that suit.
He's the one who looks as if he's going to a funeral.
.
.
Mine.
I saw a face like that in the course of my police duties.
It had been dead for three days.
He's all right.
He's just been gorging himself.
Do you think I could have inadvertently swallowed a plate? You'd swallow anything.
We can't stand here all day waiting for Howard to go off.
No.
Barry's got to be executive in this suit.
Fat chance if people think you're going to a funeral.
I think I've strained something.
Not round the house lately.
Funeral! Pay no attention, Barry.
They're just winding you up.
It was only one opinion.
Every condolence, Barry.
I hope it's no-one too close.
All right.
One opinion and a bit.
It's not working.
I'm not coming over as managerial.
Well, maybe your suit's working.
Maybe it's your expression.
It isn't saying "managerial, confident executive, aggressive decision maker".
Tha's right, Norm.
It's not saying "aggressive decision maker".
It's saying "Glenda's going to kill me".
She IS.
She is going to kill me.
It's the mouth.
The mouth needs a more aggressive firm line.
Think nasty, Barry.
It were a tremendous help to a serving policeman.
I think that's why I never got past lino salesman.
I lacked the killer instinct.
Practise, Barry.
Make a decision.
Practise making an instant executive decision.
Like buying a carpet, for example.
I thought he was WEARING a carpet.
Tha can do it, Barry.
Show us thee hardest face.
Maybe if you showed more teeth.
I haven't got any more teeth.
Improvise.
Try to give the impression you've got more teeth.
OhHoward! Oh Marin HE BELCHES .
.
na! Howard? Mari BU-U-URP! You must be glad that's over.
I hope it wasn't anyone too close.
You see? It isn't working.
He's not BEEN to a funeral, he's not going to a funeral.
There isn't one on his agenda.
In that case, I don't mind telling you he looks a chuff in that hat.
He's wearing it for a friend.
Pity his friend hasn't a smaller head.
What will he be drinking, your friend? A bit more than usual.
He needs cheering up.
It's easier to talk to you like this.
I get flustered when you look at me with those piercing eyes that go straight through a girl's defences.
I often feel like confessing my secret thoughts to you, but it's not easy when you're essentially a shy person.
An unpicked flower, Howard.
Forget those rumours about a Mr Cunningham whom, I assure you, got to scarcely more than two on a scale of one to ten.
I think I'm ready for three, Howard.
So, if you're holding back on my account, I shan't fight it.
I feel I OWE you these things, Howard.
Howard? SAY something, Howard.
BU-U-URP!! Hey up, there's Wesley in a van with its own torpedo tube.
Wesley! Does Edie know you've got a U-boat? How's tha fixed for a lift back home? Fine.
I've GOT a lift back home.
The Bermondsey Butcher had a bad attitude like that.
I wonder if they're related.
How's the van running now, Wesley? I'm only asking as a friend.
The bill goes to my associate, Mrs Avery.
She's running great but I can't turn round and take you home.
I'm looking for Barry.
Our lass is looking for Barry.
Our Glenda's looking for Barry.
EVERYBODY'S looking for Barry.
You're on the verge, Mother.
On the verge of what? On the GRASS verge.
Oh, it does that.
Wasn't that me father? Uh, typical.
Married all these years and can't even wave.
Am I losing my attraction? He's started lagging behind.
A girl notices these things.
We used to be closer than this, Howard.
It's just temporary, love.
The spirit's willing it's the general area of me pancreas that's hanging behind.
Are you going to wheel it all the way? I wish you'd ride it, Howard.
You look so DASHING in the saddle.
It's not a good day for dashing.
I can't seem to get me centre of gravity right for pedalling.
I can't think of anything that could make me start pedalling now.
I'll kill him! GEARS GRIND How many's he had? A gentleman doesn't count.
Unless he's paying.
And Barry seemed to lose the ability to count.
Funny really in such an executive suit.
Howard's nearly out for the count.
I can't pedal any further .
.
and Pearl's behind AND Glenda.
Glenda! GEARS GRIND Wait till I find him.
I thought you'd tried stodge.
Stodge! He could barely move.
He was moving when last seen! I'll have to give you MY recipe.
They don't move when they've been stodged by me.
What's he doing up there? - Looking for our Barry.
- Eyes like a hawk.
- We used to call him The Hawk.
It's very good of you, Mr Hardcastle.
No problem, lass.
Just leave it to The Hawk.
Have you seen two people on bicycles? It was just a blur but Ahh-ah-ah!!! Hello! A squawk from The Hawk.
Help He-elp!! That's my Barry.
In a NEW suit.
What does he need a new suit for in that thing? And guess who THAT is! I was thinking about new carpet, petal.
Done! It was going to be a surprise.
We'll deliver! The Hawk, I like it! Maybe you should have started as a budgie and worked your way up.
I think destiny intended me for a graceful, but ruthless killer.
Not a word to the missus.
She doesn't understand.
I can see it now "Call me the Hawk", he says standing there in his pyjamas! Clutching his hot water bottle.
I'll give it up.
Well, in summer.
I'll renounce me hot water bottle.
Ouch! Oooh! Oh, a Hawk with its teeth chattering.