Family Guy s22e06 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's A Fam Ily Guy. ♪
Hey, Meg, what's with the cupcakes?
I'm celebrating.
Oh, last night I had my period
or miscarriage. Not sure which.
Either way, happy un-birthday.
Where's my phone? I got to text Patty
and let her know she
can have half of these
for her cat's funeral.
Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit.
Pics to follow.
What the hell? What happened?
[PHONE CHIMES]
Hey, Meg, no turkey dinner is complete
without a little under-nut squash.
[CACKLES]
What a jerk.
Oh, well. Time to go
transport a Texas resident
to her reproductive health appointment.
Okay, Brian, let's play another round
of my favorite game: Read Lois' mail
and laugh at her sad life.
Uhp, fall lane Bryant catalog.
Looks like we'll be getting
some cranberry pants in the mail.
"Fertility bank of New England."
Oh, this one I've got to see.
"Dear Lois Pewterschmidt,
thank you again
for your compensated
donation of ten eggs in 1997.
This letter is to inform you
that the nine remaining eggs
have been destroyed
for lack of interest."
What? Let me see that.
Oh, this is so perfect.
The old slag literally
sold her body for money.
All right, let's not judge her.
She was trying to earn a
little extra money in college
and I wonder what human eggs taste like.
Wait a second.
The nine remaining eggs?
Lois donated ten eggs.
If there were nine remaining, that means
one of them was used?
Hate how much I want to
try human eggs right now.
Brian, listen: I have
a lost half-sibling.
He or she is just out there someplace.
Why, I haven't been this shocked since
Chris showed me his jack-in-the-box.
Chris, what did you do to this box?
It's not called a "Jack elsewhere."
Oh, it's master. Here, master.
Master may change the TV to
a channel that pleases her.
Uh, what's going on?
Master's latest social media post
has become popular on the internet,
so now master rules the family.
What are you talking about?
[PHONE CHIMES]
Oh, my god!
This cupcake video got 20,000 likes.
Only likes matter. Likes rule all.
Wow, look at all these
comments. People are saying
I should get Chris a FansOnly
page. What's FansOnly?
It's a fetish website where
amateurs post racy videos
that subscribers pay to see.
Wait, people would pay money
to watch a husky teen sit on food?
Oh, yeah. Very much so.
Um, would you be interested?
I could set everything up
and handle the administrative side.
You could just sit on stuff.
We'd split the profits.
You think you're the first person
to pitch me a crush fetish website?
Go get a business
plan, some seed capital
and an s-corp registered
in the state of Delaware
and then maybe we'll talk.
Not everything has to be ♪
A montage ♪
Meg filling out a bunch of forms ♪
Is not very interesting ♪
But the guy who drew this ♪
Worked very hard ♪
So we don't have the heart ♪
To cut it now ♪
Especially since that guy ♪
Recently lost custody ♪
Of his children. ♪
- I'm in.
- [GASPS]
Rupert, I can't stop
thinking about the fact
that I've got a sibling
out there someplace.
So, today I will hack into the world's
most sophisticated
surveillance networks,
scan for Pewterschmidt DNA markers
from Lois' donated
egg, locate my comrade,
- And together, we shall be unstopa
- [FACETIME RINGING]
Stewie! Tell Mommy that Daddy fell!
[AUDIO CUTTING OUT]
Aha. We have a match.
In Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Of course. Someone sharing my DNA
may well be a scholar at Harvard or MIT.
Or tufts.
Oh, come on, the sat is
not biased against bears.
Jewish bears? You're Jewish?
No, it's fine, it's just
It's just the kind of
thing you tell someone.
♪
Supposedly, one of these eggheads
is my brother or sister,
Rupert. But which one?
And how will we find each other?
Perhaps we share mannerisms.
Hey, "damn you all." yeah?
"Curse you, vile woman." Am I right?
"Victory shall be mine"?
You know? Anything?
That was big in the '90s.
[SIGHS] I don't understand.
My genius Harvard sibling
should be right here.
[LAUGHING]
[BOSTON ACCENT] Eat my
wizz, you Harvard fruit bags.
[ZIPS]
Oh, my god, that must be him.
And, hey, don't do that.
Harvard is a respected institution
that only produces our nation's finest.
The boys are back in town,
the boys are back in town ♪
I said the boys are back in town. ♪
Our apologies to the Unabomber.
It was a cheap shot to include him.
[BOSTON ACCENT] So you and
me got some of the same DNA
on account of your mom
sold off her inside parts?
- Dude, that's bizarre.
- Mm, quite.
Yeah, my mom didn't like how I came out,
so she left me in an orphanage,
But nobody was adopting
me, so screw that.
Got out of there, moved
under the Fenway stands.
I survive on racist bleacher farts.
That's great. Now, I
don't suppose you have
a hidden cache of advanced weaponry
and plans for global conquest?
Nah, but you know what I do got?
A list of five movies
that I cry at the end of.
Number one, Braveheart.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, that one gets me.
That gets me.
Uh, number two, Scarface, I cry.
Guy builds up the whole
empire and just dies, right?
Uh, number three, Dodgeball.
Everybody looks past those
guys. Nobody believed in 'em.
Couldn't catch for nothing.
I tell you, Justin Long
he couldn't catch a cold
and still they win the
thing, you know? Here I go.
Camera's rolling. You
can go when you're ready.
Welcome, FansOnly subscribers.
My dad fell in the shower,
so we kinda need the money.
[GRUNTS]
Ah. Thank you.
Wow. That was great.
- How was that for you?
- It was amazing.
We just created art
in front of our fans.
I wonder if this is how
French pointillist painter
Georges Seurat felt.
[ALL] Oh
Yeah!
Oh
Yeah!
No way. Orange.
Orange, you guys.
Oh
Yeah!
Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!
What did I miss? Were the dots tiny?
Oh, my god, so tiny.
All right, here's my house. See?
Anyway, it's been nice to meet you,
but I'm very busy today.
No way. How come your
house ain't attached
to two other houses on either side?
There can be just one house?
Um, I guess.
And where's your American flag
but with blue stripes for cops?
I don't know, man, but listen,
you can stay for just a few minutes.
No way, you got crazy straws?
No, no, no, those are the fat man's.
He likes to pretend his
juice is on a roller coaster.
I don't care, I'm using one.
All right, Capri Suns,
who's ready to ride Thunder Mountain?
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
You know the crazy
straws are only for Daddy.
- Up yours, old man.
- That's it.
I'd give you the belt, but I wore
a 1990s braided belt today,
and I like how it makes
me look like Blossom's dad.
Yeah? How about I give you the belt?
- Aah! Stop it! You're hurting me.
- Yeah, take that.
I'll drink out of any straw
I want, you piece of crap.
- You hear me?
- I need that belt.
I'm taking my LinkedIn photo later.
[WHIMPERING]
Hmm. Turns out this thug
may actually be useful to me.
Well, isn't that a surprise?
Like the Japanese
attack on David Harbour.
Hi, Kenji Mifune, Tokyo Daily.
Why do you always look like
you just woke up in a dumpster?
All right, Rupert, time to make use
of that crude Boston body double.
Here we go.
Lois, I'd like to request
a later bedtime, please.
I'm a big boy now,
and I think I can make it to 6:45.
Go away, Stewie, mommy's looking at
real estate listings and dreaming of
any life other than this.
I see. All right, then.
- [FURNITURE CRASHING, GLASS BREAKING]
- [LOIS CRYING OUT]
Your new bedtime is
whenever you [BLEEP] want.
Splendid! I also have a
school-related task for you.
Um, class, I-I know teacher Jeremy said
everyone would get a turn as
classroom star of the week,
but new plan. Uh, Stewie will now be
star of the week every week.
Also, instead of circle time,
we're just gonna watch TV dramas
where Dennis Leary plays a fireman.
That's a pretty smart
cookie, that teacher Jeremy.
But right now we're
gonna do show and tell.
Who wants to go fir
Stewie. Uh, let's do Stewie.
Oh, God, I don't got nothing prepared.
Let me see what I got
in my pockets here.
Um, here's a Cumberland
Farms reward card.
Shotgun shell full of shark teeth.
Donnie Wahlberg's actual cigar cutter,
key card for my
ex-girlfriend's parking garage.
Zippo lighter I got in Cancun.
I friggin' love Cancun.
I don't know why you'd go anywhere else.
Uh, flat, dry condom in
case Charlene's ovulating.
Uh, clipping of a newspaper story
where I'm quoted about a house fire.
And a bloody shoe from
the marathon bombing
I keep in a Caldor's bag in my closet.
Any questions?
That's smushboy15. He's gross.
He'll sit on anything. He's a sit slut.
He's also really good at hearing
the whispers of nearby diners.
Excuse me, smushboy.
I-I'm wondering if you could come over
and sit on my wife's avocado?
Come on, man, I'm out with my family.
You Hollywood celebrities!
Sheesh! Don't meet your heroes, huh?
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY]
Okay, everyone, this is
another smushboy livestream.
Let's try to play nice this time, okay?
[MAN] Hey, uh, squash that
brownie with your knee.
I don't do knee stuff.
I told you guys that
from the beginning. Geez.
What the hell, Chris?
You've had a crummy
attitude from the moment
you walked in here this morning.
Well, duh. The moment I walk in
you start running new pie designs at me.
What do we do with pie designs, Meg?
Huh? What do we do?
- Email them to Tristan.
- Email them to Tristan.
Look, I don't like being
a broken record here,
but why do we have those Monday meetings
if nobody's gonna follow the process?
Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello?
You know what, guys, if you can't start
sorting these things out,
I don't see how we can even
do summer Fridays anymore.
Oh, now you're paying attention.
Chris, you can't talk
to people like that.
Oh, fine. Then maybe
I'll talk like this.
Everyone, I quit!
Come along, multiple exotic pets
symbolizing my spiritual corruption.
Good night, Stewie, at 11:45 P.M.,
which is a bedtime that works for you.
I love you, sweetie. Mwah.
Hey, that was kind of nice
what just happened right there.
- What do you mean?
- Well, you got a kiss from your mom,
and not just 'cause
you blew into that tube
that lets her start the car.
You know, I always wanted to get adopted
and have parents of my own.
Heck, my old orphanage
even has its annual
adoption fair next week, but
forget it, nobody wants to adopt
a messed-up kid like me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Can we not do shoes
on my white area rug?
And also, hey, hey, hey.
You want to get adopted?
I will help you get adopted.
- What?
- Starting tomorrow,
I will teach you how to be
a normal, adoptable child.
Aw, dude, that's awesome.
All right, good night, kiddo.
I'm gonna go hide out in the dry tub
and watch your sister take a wizz.
Dad, thanks again for filling in
after Chris got all
big-headed and quit.
I'm excited to start shooting
these videos with you.
Yeah, um, about the videos
I couldn't help but notice
you've got me squatting
on generic jell-o,
not the name brand.
Does it make a difference?
[LAUGHS] Doe-does it make a difference?
You're-you're adorable.
And why am I snorting regular cocaine
when I specifically requested
bacon-wrapped cocaine?
There's no such thing
as bacon-wrapped cocaine.
Yeah, tell that to Chris
Farley's autopsy photo.
Also, your nose is bleeding heavily.
Yeah, that's allergies. I'm
allergic to bacon and cocaine.
I tell you, this is the
most unprofessional film set
since they cast Timothée
Chalamet in Dune.
My father came, not for spice,
not for riches
- Whoa wh-whoa!
- Cut.
- Wind guy.
- I told you guys
he shouldn't be in windy movies.
Freakin' told you guys.
All right, we've got just one week
to turn you into a normal,
regular kid who can be adopted.
Parents love reading A-B-C
books with their little ones,
so let's practice that, shall we?
A, asswipe.
Okay, close, close. How about this one?
B, bastard.
We are oh-for-two.
Yeah, I'm gonna skip C.
Feel like I know what
you're gonna say for that.
D, F. And I know you're
gonna go for that F.
Not the usual F.
Yeah, I'm not sure this is gonna work.
You're, like, two hours late, Dad.
I'm sorry Meg, but as an artist,
I simply cannot create
until you are finished dry cleaning
- all of my Halloween costumes.
- I tried,
but they couldn't get the stain
out of your Emperor Palpatine robe.
Take it someplace else.
Take it everyplace else.
Ugh.
♪
We keep doing montages ♪
About the wrong things ♪
Here's another one
we should have cut ♪
But the guy who draws these up ♪
And lost custody of his kids ♪
He got a DUI ♪
Since the last montage. ♪
[CHRIS SIGHS]
Chris, what are you doing? [SNIFFS]
Why does it smell so bad in here?
Uh, well, my exotic pets
somehow all killed each other.
Still not quite sure what
the sequence was there.
Anyway, Meg, I just want
to say I'm really happy
for you and Dad that you're
doing that website together.
Uh, thanks, Chris.
No, thank you.
I just wish I didn't screw
everything up, you know?
Treated you like a carrot muffin
I butt-smothered for money.
But you're not a carrot
muffin, you're my sister.
And I forgot that.
It's okay, Chris, I forgive you.
Hey, call out any Boston market sides.
It's Friday, and we're gorgin'.
♪
Told you, Stewie, nobody
wants to adopt this loser.
Okay, look sharp.
These people may be your last chance.
Just do everything the
way we rehearsed it.
Hey, little man, how are you?
I am fine and in good physical health.
Aw. What kind of toys
do you like, sweetie?
Um, you know, a doll,
because that's okay
for a boy, I'm told.
But, you know, any-any toy's fine.
An outside ball for throwing inside.
I mean, you know, whatever you got.
So sweet. Hey,
what do you want to be when you grow up?
When I grow up, I want to be
a body-cam-off police officer.
I-I mean, just a
regular police officer.
How would you like us to adopt you
so that you can come live with us
and be a Jets fan, not a Pats fan,
because we are a Jets family.
[EXCLAIMING]
[BLEEP] Jets are a straight
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] franchise, bro.
The last jet that
actually mattered in NYC
is the one that hit the south tower.
Whoa, whoa.
Okay, so that wasn't a match.
I'm sorry. I really thought
I could help you find
a family of your own.
What's going on over there?
Holy crap, it's Mark Wahlberg's
seven freckle-chested sisters
from the fighter.
I'm sorry, ladies, you have to leave.
What? For why?
We caught you sneaking outside beers
into the adoption fair.
If you're going to be
at the adoption fair
you have to buy adoption fair beers.
Fine, we'll drink in the parking lot.
Whatever kid doesn't get picked,
just leave him outside.
Hey, April, check out that one.
Whoa, now that's a good-looking
government subsidy right there.
- Um, hi there.
- Hey, bud.
I see you got the same
Aaron Hernandez tattoo I got.
Want to come live with us?
We live near an overpass
and we got lots and lots
of D batteries to throw.
Go on, get out of here.
Have a great life with your seven moms.
Well, one of 'em will be my mom.
Six of 'em will be my girlfriend.
[SHORT CHUCKLE] The dude's a legend.
Hey, baby. I want to party
with that ice cream cone.
Five bucks and I'll sit on it.
Hey. Hey.
Twenty bucks if you'll mash
a Chipwich with your knee.
[SIGHS] Let's see the Chipwich.
No! He doesn't do knee stuff.
What is wrong with you sickos?
What happened to you, man?
This is all I'm good for, Meg.
It's It's all people see me as.
That's not true, Chris.
You have so much to offer,
and I've got something for you.
- Buttercream?
- You bet your ass, buttercream.
Wait.
This one we do together.
[LAUGHING]
["LOVE LIFE US UP WHERE WE BELONG" BY
JOE COCKER & JENNIFER WARNES PLAYING]
Love lift us up where we belong ♪
Where the eagles cry. ♪
So, Chris, after your recent adventure
behind the scenes of
the adult video world,
you're probably not even able
to enjoy pornography any
Wrong!
Uh, okay. Well, I got to go to
the county registrar's office.
Need to re-register
our business as inactive
and change our filing status.
♪
Undoing a corporation ♪
Is surprisingly complicated ♪
But it still doesn't make ♪
For a good montage. ♪
Hey, Gavin. Yeah, it's Dad.
Well, the court say I get
two guaranteed calls a week,
so I'm calling. [CHUCKLES]
Can you please tell your
mother to get off the extension?
No, in-person visits
have to be supervised,
but the calls do not
have to be supervised,
so she can get off the phone now.
Daddy knows what Mommy's
breathing sounds like, bud.
Get off the phone, Janet!