Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s22e07 Episode Script

Isn't that a bit old-fashioned? The old ways are sometimes the best.
Rug beating is one of the older types of therapy.
It's what housewives had to make do with before nervous breakdowns.
I'd hate to be a germ round 'ere.
I bet they're all waving white flags.
How do.
Morning, Billy.
Morning, Billy.
You've got it all wrong.
Wrong? Looks as if Howard's in the clag again.
Reminds me of home.
Or is it a continuation of the clag he was in yesterday? Or the day before.
Or the day before that.
You've always been the same.
Does she abuse him physically? She makes him clean a lot of windows.
It's not illegal.
It ought to be.
A man holding a wet cloth feels such a Wally.
You, er, think it diminishes the male powers? I do.
A bloke who's happy with a wet cloth is never happy in a bayonet charge.
Done much in the way of bayonet charges have you, Billy? No.
But I was dying to have a go.
I kept volunteering.
If there's any vacancies, I said, use me.
I am a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
I'm probably a natural.
Mmm, which war was this? War? This were last week.
There were nowt on telly and you can only do so much knitting.
Bayonet charges AND knitting.
The all-round warrior.
I don't knit by choice.
Just Lincoln Green tights.
The wife refuses.
And you can't buy 'em.
When you ask, they look at you as if you're thick.
I can understand that.
That's just what the wife says.
I can understand that.
Well, must be off.
If you weren't strong-willed, people'd talk you out of being stupid.
See thee.
RUMBLING OF WHEELS Looks as if Auntie's been buying again.
I-I wish she'd buy a van.
Oh, you're much more reliable than a van, Smiler.
He's not showroom condition though.
I feel more like a horse.
I think he's right, he looks more like a horse.
I-I meant from the inside.
It should be good for the muscles, Smiler.
How come you haven't got any? 'Cos she-she wears me to a shadow.
Speaking of being worn to a shadow Why are women so unreasonable? Don't ask us, ask Pearl.
I did ask Pearl.
She denied they're unreasonable.
And just to prove it, she hit me with this plate.
Sounds reasonable.
I wonder if she thinks you've been going astray, Howard.
Well she does.
You see what I mean about unreasonable.
You DO go astray.
I've seen you.
Who's your friend? Just some horse.
I've seen him with her.
A keenly observant horse.
Well, it wants to keep its voice down.
I don't go astray.
I barely get started and something always goes wrong.
Why are you putting dubbin on your boots, Barry? It makes them waterproof.
Why do you need waterproof boots? You work in an office.
You're not a forest ranger.
Maybe I should have been.
Then I could be doing this for the wildlife.
Do wildlife appreciate waterproof boots? YOU think I couldn't do it! YOU think I'm some Jessie who works in an office.
Oh, better than that.
I think you're MY big Jessie who works in an office.
Oh, be honest.
You'd feel prouder if I was famous for pitting myself against nature.
All right, if you're determined to go take your umbrella.
I always do.
Will you be back for lunch? What are we having? A nice tuna salad and a glass of white wine.
Ooh, I'll be back for lunch.
One hair.
She finds one single blonde hair.
Automatic life sentence.
No early parole.
Forensic evidence.
Always the hardest to deny.
I bet you tried, though, didn't you? I told her, maybe it was white.
It could be one of mine - I'm going white.
She said it was too long.
Oh, cheer up! She can't say that about the rest of you.
You usually have bits of grass in your hair, not blonde.
That was one occasion when I ran into a lawn mower.
Even his hair looks guilty.
Has it got bits of grass in it? If it has, they have been planted by some unscrupulous person.
His coat's shiny.
His owner must feed him well.
Oh she feeds me well.
I've no complaints dietary-wise.
He HAS got a lot of split ends.
I blame it on constant tension.
It weren't white, it were blonde.
Dyed blonde.
As to whose it was, I'll leave you to guess.
But I'll give you a clue.
I suspect that if you whistled at it, it'd jump at you and cling round your neck.
It-it could have been from the cat next door.
Norman Clegg's next door and he hasn't got a cat.
And if he did, it wouldn't have blonde hair with black roots.
No wonder you're always in trouble.
You're going to have to learn to lie better than that.
It's not as if I don't try.
She keeps confusing me with things like The truth? Oh, oh, now that's really sneaky of her, Howard.
She's going to watch me like a hawk now.
I don't know how I'll get out.
I could give you an excuse.
You can come and give me a hand to push this cart.
Oh, you're a good pal, Smiler, oh.
Get-get him off me, get-get him off me.
MOTOR RUNNING WHINING NOISE Nora Batty having a bubble bath? Who'd have thought it.
Tom is down at his allotment.
We'll go before the tide gets in.
The competition is intensifying.
All the way? Oh, Barry.
Let a girl get in the car.
- The sign.
- Oh .
.
the sign.
All the way to the coast, Barry.
I have to be alone for a while.
Sometimes a girl has to think about her future.
How far are you going? - Just somewhere quiet so I can pit myself against nature.
- That sounds as good as the coast.
Let's go do some pitting, you cuddly person, you.
To tell you the truth, I never saw Tom as your horticultural type.
Surprises me, this interest in gardening.
Well, you never know, you see.
The cheque's in the post.
DOG GROWLS Watch the dog! Wow, that dog! Now that's really vicious over-acting.
Relax! It's Clegg and Truly, come for our clocks.
Come in, come in.
Always a welcome for friends with cash.
Oh, ah, ah, well, very snug.
We like it.
This is "working at the allotments", is it? You have to get out of the house.
She's gone housekeeping mad.
If you sit still she might paint you! Clocks repaired, are they? Ready and waiting.
It's a gift.
That's why I have to protect these sensitive fingers.
I think I could have been something big in jewellery.
Like the landlady at the Feathers? Not exactly.
Don't upset him until we find out how much we owe.
What? I'm going to overcharge you two? Both friends? You were good to Dad.
And you've done me a few favours.
Well, let's see, er thirty pounds.
Thirty pounds? Between you.
Fifteen each.
How's that for discount? Morning.
It's all right, the coast's clear.
- What's wrong with him? - There are some funny people out there.
Most of whom think he owes them money.
They shouldn't hound him like that.
Not when he's an orphan.
Three teas please, Mrs Batty.
Oh, he's just like his father.
For owing money.
You're right.
I've heard of keeping an eye on the time but bringing them in here? The Wizard of the Screwdriver here.
He's been repairing 'em.
Him? He could have been big in jewellery.
Oh, you mean like her at the Feathers? I wish I'd never said that.
Not only looks like his father but just as nimble with his hands.
It just takes patience and natural skill.
CLOCK BONGS UNTUNEFULLY You're going to have fun trying to sleep through that.
I've had prisoners in serious restraint sounding better than that.
You must have damaged it in transit.
Once the product leaves the premises I can accept no responsibility.
CHIMES DISCORDANTLY Oh, all right.
All right.
It just needs adjusting.
Auntie Wainwright probably has the spare parts.
OhAuntieWainwright? No-no, I-I, no, I-I-I like this chime.
I could get used to this chime.
Have YOU never felt the urge to throw up everything and go to Blackpool, Barry? I once threw up at Blackpool after a ride on the Big Dipper.
I swore then never to let me feet leave the ground.
I promised Mother something similar.
TYRES SCREECH I can't think why you needed so many men.
Oh, Edie, there weren't that many.
I think it was curiosity.
I must have been on a learning curve.
Isn't that Our Barry's car? Who is that waving? Wasn't easy to tell.
Well, if it was Our Barry, he'll think it funny if we go past.
If it WAS Our Barry, he'll think it worse if we stop.
Barry.
That's dubbin, Barry.
That's right, Mr Hardcastle.
Tha's got the soul of an outdoors person, lad.
Just what I've been looking for.
A sympathetic spirit.
Tha don't find many practising dubbin.
Yeah, we ought to help Marina.
Ooh, we must get out together, lad.
I've got the Greenwood in my blood, Barry.
I'll take you wi' me.
Whenever tha gets a day off work, we can compare dubbin.
We can often come out here and practise fighting with quarterstaffs.
- Just like our ancestors used to do.
- Quarterstaffs? Great big sticks? - That's it, lad, tha's got it.
Let me get this right, Mr Hardcastle.
We ought to come out here and hit each other with big sticks.
It's the old English way, lad.
I know that face.
I ought to be getting back to my car.
Don't worry about it.
Tha left it neatly parked.
It's off road.
What were you doing accepting lifts? What about the dangers? Promises.
Promises.
Oh, rescued.
By a tall gentleman with a handcart.
I was here first.
And his pushy assistant.
We-we thought you'd had an accident.
It's never too late, I always say.
I'd like to know where you thought you were going.
You never take me anywhere.
I was running off to Blackpool.
You only had to ask.
I'd take you to Blackpool.
When? When Pearl goes to visit her sister in New Zealand.
Oh! When's Pearl going to New Zealand? Well, her sister still lives in Huddersfield, but you never know, people DO move to New Zealand.
How would you like a big time sampling the amusements in Blackpool? I wish we'd never taken her out of the car.
Will you give me a hand to pop her back? I'm glad you were passing.
Smiler's left a piece behind.
He looked pretty full.
Always room for one more.
That's a motto I have on my till.
I can believe that.
Trust Smiler! I think his head's too far from his blood supply.
But if you get a move on, you'll catch him up before he gets there.
He rarely goes supersonic.
Hey, this is heavy.
Oh, customers.
I can always feel that slight electricity in the air.
He's the one, if you want to start reading meters.
Spare parts for chiming clocks.
You're in luck, I've got an offer on.
There's a coincidence.
Uncanny, isn't it? I thought we might come to some sort of arrangement.
He's a slippery one this.
Such as? In return for a few spare parts, I could do your local deliveries.
Are you good with a handcart? I mend clocks, don't I? You're in luck, madam.
You could end up with a musical handcart.
Off key.
We've got a clock needs mending.
Does nobody think of buying another? It was a wedding present.
"Til death" is not compulsory for clocks.
Or, we could help Wesley with this extremely heavy fire surround.
It's just that I've been under stress lately since being caught with a blonde hair.
You're leaving blonde hairs.
That's because I'm a blonde, Howard.
I think that's why Pearl thinks I got it from you.
I'm just glad it was MY hair and not some cheating natural blonde.
Oh, Marina.
Oh, Howard! Oh, crikey! Hey up, Smiler.
You forgot a piece, Smiler.
How am I supposed to get more on there? Auntie says there's always room for one more.
What about the straw that broke the camel's back? Is it true you can go for weeks without water? My Barry's gone to pit himself against the forces of nature.
I hope he'll be all right.
Oh, when we passed his car, he seemed to be doing fine.
You passed his car? I-it could've been somebody else's.
It had one or two strange features.
Is he wearing a vest? I've seen them pitting themselves against the forces of nature.
Next thing, they're dying from a common cold.
And not quietly.
You know what they're like with a cold.
If you set it to music you'd have grand opera.
Well, my Barry has got dubbin on his boots.
He'll be sitting on wet grass, and you can't dubbin that.
Or they'll pick something else up.
Like blonde hairs.
You can't dubbin against them either.
Yes, they are a problem.
It's difficult to know how not to shed them under certain circumstances.
It was a relief when you moved to Macclesfield.
How did Howard come about this blonde hair? He thinks it could be acid rain.
We'll never do it.
Not on there.
It's all a matter of balance.
Although in my three years in Vice I saw gravity defied on several occasions.
Could you take this young lady back home, Barry? I thought she was going to Blackpool.
Not any more.
Oh, we've straightened that out.
It was just a mad moment.
Not even close.
I'm sorry I can't stay and hit you with a stick.
Some other time, lad.
Over here, Barry, you just keep the cart steady whilst we lift it on to it.
Right now, everybody get a good grip.
Here we go.
One, two, three, and in! Oh, Barry! This is better than being hit with a stick.
You ought to be warned, her hair comes off, Barry.
And you ought to be warned that it's only supposed to come off on me.
Not the old blonde hair problem, Howard? I'll tell you what - for a pint all round, I can provide you with a guaranteed alibi.
Guaranteed? Guaranteed.
I hope it works better than his clocks.
Right, Barry, let's get the car back on the road and you can give us a lift back to town.
CAR HORN TOOTS Some of you get in Our Roz's car, the rest of you come in mine.
Oh, I'd better go with Mother.
Oh, she's a good girl.
She's a brave girl.
Oh, I wish our Edie wouldn't drive.
No, not like she does.
What's wrong with that lot? My car not good enough for them? You've got the roof down and it blows Mrs Batty's hat.
Best thing that could happen to it.
GEARS CRUNCH Now you saw that.
It does that.
I keep telling your father about it, but he does nothing.
Is there any room in there? You're too long for confined spaces.
You'll have to ride in the cart.
Is it safe? No wonder he never become an astronaut.
When did you last hear of anyone being injured in a handcart? We'll be sitting next to all this inflammable material.
What inflammable material? Well, your overalls for a start.
The trouble is, Smiler always looks so not all right, so how do you know when he's not all right? Is he all right? He's fine.
Can you see him? Not exactly.
Well, how do you know he's fine? I'm working on the assumption that we'd hear him screaming if it was otherwise.
Sounds reasonable.
What are you doing up there? I'm trying to get down.
How did you get it up there? Well, it was easy.
We were just passing and it jumped up.
I'll deliver this lot and then get you down.
You'll NOT! I'm not stopping up here.
Now, come on and get me down now! Oh, oh, no He didn't even say goodbye.
Damn! I've missed it.
It were full anyway.
Oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh! Does this go to Henley Street? You've always wanted to be an actress, just show me what you can do.
What exactly am I supposed to do? Can you wheel a handcart? It's nothing serious.
It was the same last week.
He keeps winning the "kiss a barmaid" competition.
It gets too much for him.
I think I'm allergic to kissing anyone except you, love.
I try to struggle.
He does.
He puts up quite a fight.
It's where the blonde hair came from.
Aaaah! I liked the acid rain story better.