Family Guy s22e08 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
- Hey, Meg, what's up?
- [GASPS]
A cool kid said, "what's up?"
Oh, it was just a dream.
[GASPS] Goldy, no!
Ugh. Fifth one this week.
Oh, my God! Mr. Clompers.
[GRUNTS]
Stay with me, Mr. Clompers.
[EXHALES]
Stay with me, you
son of a bitch. [EXHALES]
[NEIGHS]
Oh, there's only one way
to turn this day around.
Crouch behind a dumpster
in the back of Quiznos
and wait for the half-eaten
subs to be thrown out.
Yep, looks like things are
finally starting to turn around
for the meg-a-rino.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm not a dumpster. Put me down.
Aah!
- Man, this job sucks.
- I don't know.
Ladies running with
trash bags and no bras on
is pretty cool sometimes.
- [RUNNING FOOTFALLS]
- [WOMAN] Wait.
Right on cue.
And now the mind creates
scenarios and so forth.
Hey, what are you doing home from work?
Ah, some sicko called in a bomb scare.
Then they confiscated everyone's phones
and I was told to take the day off.
Peter, did you call in the bomb scare?
God, you sound just like them.
For the last time, maybe.
Well, since you're home, you can watch
my daytime shows with me.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Hello.
There's a bomb in the TV.
Leave the remote and exit the room.
Nice try, but we're watching The View.
Welcome to The View.
Today we're talking about mansplaining.
Meghan McCain, you go first.
I thought Meghan McCain quit.
Oh, yes, she did. They replaced her
with a dozen feral cats
in a quinceañera dress,
and no one can tell the difference.
[CATS MEWLING, SCREECHING]
The cats have an important dead dad,
so we got to hear 'em out.
[ANNOUNCER] It's
the Kelly Clarkson show.
She's got a show now?
Yes, and she's actually very funny,
if you're a woman who
claps when the plane lands.
Give me that thing. Aren't
there any daytime TV shows
hosted by men?
Peter, are you kidding me?
Conversations between men are boring.
I've heard what you
and the guys talk about.
Me and the guys would be great
at hosting one of these shows.
We talk about interesting
stuff all the time.
Just this past weekend,
we were talking about
how a lot of people don't
know which one is Chip
and which one is Dale. Well,
it's actually very simple.
Chip's nose is black,
and Dale's nose is red.
And if you need help remembering,
you say "chocolate chip."
The chipmunks were
easier because they had
big letters on their shirts.
- But that's Tuesday's show.
- Oh, please.
All men run out of things
to say to each other
- after 20 minutes.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, if guys are so bad at talking,
how come Regis Philbin is still yapping?
[REGIS] So Joy hands
me a box, and I open it,
and it's the same darn
sweater from last Christmas!
Can you believe that? Coming up,
Angel's David Boreanaz.
Look at Kathie Lee.
She's fanning herself.
Whoa, Meg, what happened to you?
Yo, I straight-up thought that
was Post Malone for a hot second.
I just had the worst day of my life.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm
gonna bake cookies from scratch
and eat them until I puke.
Meg, I think what
you're going through are
typical teenage emotions.
Trust me, everything will
change when you go to college.
Speaking of, guess who got a letter
from the University
of Rhode Island today.
Wait, what?
And it came in a big envelope.
You know what that means.
Finally some good news.
"From the office of admissions
at the University of Rhode Island."
Wow, so official.
"Hey, sorry, we ran
out of small envelopes.
You didn't get in."
[CRYING]
Meg, I'm so sorry.
I just have to accept
it, I'll never be happy.
[SOBBING]
A talk show for men?
That's a great idea.
Yeah. Imagine getting
paid to talk about stuff
we already talk about around this table.
Hey, that could be the
title. Bar Table Talk.
Oh, guys, check it out.
Tom Tucker's wasted at the bar again.
Put on Channel Six.
I-I want to see what Doppler
those DINKs are working with.
A 3000?! Ha!
What, are they telling
us the weather in 2004?
Hey, fellas, I'll be right back.
Boy, it's fun to fantasize
about having a talk show.
But, sadly, that's all it's gonna be,
'cause ain't nobody putting four guys
- with zero experience on TV.
- Yeah, you're right.
Start thinking of warm
to hot topics, fellas.
What are you talking about?
I just spoke to Tom Tucker.
A few months ago I did him a big favor,
and he said if there's anything
he could ever do for me,
just ask, so I just asked.
And he said yes.
Gentlemen, say hello
to the hosts of your new
Channel Five daytime talk show.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
This is awesome. Wait, Joe,
what was the favor
you did for tom tucker?
I mustache-sat for
him over the holidays.
We said Rise of Gru and then bed.
That was the deal we made.
[MUSTACHE SQUEAKS PETULANTLY]
I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
I'm having a hard time, too.
Hey, what the heck are you guys doing?
Those are my cookies.
Meg, these are literally
the best cookies
I've ever had in my life.
Yeah, they're incredible.
Did you switch up the recipe?
No, I don't think so.
So good, Meg. I'd have another,
but I got to see Dean
later. Dean's my trainer.
Guy kicks my freakin' ass.
You must have done something different.
These are fantastic.
Hmm.
I think my tears falling into the batter
must have made these
cookies taste different.
Not different, delicious.
Last week, Dean was saying I'm
the most ripped guy he trains.
Off the record, of course.
Meg, I think this could
be the start of a business.
People would pay a premium
for cookies this good.
Really? Oh, a business is a lot of work.
Unless maybe You
guys want to help out?
- I'd be happy to.
- I'll do it.
So Monday, Wednesday and
Fridays are Dean days.
Other than that, I'm down.
I'm in ketosis, by the way.
This is exciting, you guys.
We just have to find a way to get
the word out about these cookies.
I don't think we'll
have to worry about that.
I just got an email
back from the one show
that'll put our product in
front of the entire country.
Long hallway shark tank.
♪
[ANNOUNCER] First up,
Meg Griffin and family
with a new twist on a popular snack.
♪
♪
Hello, Sharks. I'm here to
We have so many new cookie orders.
Which means we've got
a lot of baking to do.
- Let's get going.
- Sorry, if I'm in a busy kitchen,
I'm gonna have to scream at
someone Gordon Ramsay style.
A raw egg? You're gonna kill someone!
20 years of being in the business,
and you're the biggest
buffoon I've ever met.
Now let's step outside,
where I'll speak to you
in an entirely different tone.
What's going on with you? Tell me.
I don't, I don't know.
You're overwhelmed trying to live up
to your father's
expectations, aren't you?
Yeah, I guess.
Listen, your father Nikos
was a proud Greek man
who came to this country with
nothing but a baklava and a dream.
But he's gone now, and
you have to accept that.
Now, those people in there
need a leader, not a friend.
- Understood?
- Yes. Thank you, Chef Ramsay.
I have tremendous respect for you
and what you do for people's businesses.
Good. Now, just don't yelp
any places from the show
or eat at any of my
restaurants in Las Vegas.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Oh, from Peter.
"Turn on Channel Five right now."
[PETER] Welcome to the first
episode of Bar Table Talk.
Finally, a show for
men by men. Football.
[GROANS] You've got to be kidding me.
Now check out our theme song called
"Guys Just Want to Have Fun,"
which is just each of us yelling "guys"
over the parts where they sing "girls"
in "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."
When the working day is done ♪
- Oh ♪
- Guys.
They want to have fun ♪
- Oh ♪
- Guys.
- Just want to have ♪
- Guys.
They want, want to have fun ♪
- Girls ♪
- Guys!
- [PETER] Damn it, Joe.
- [JOE] This is why I wanted to use
"The boys are back in town."
But no!
Welcome back. Now it's time for
the clenched-buttocks
urinal-fart of the day,
sent in by Gene Kozlowski
at imperial tool and dye
in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
Let her rip, Gene.
[FARTING]
Ah.
You just know that one had the power
of a state fair sausage behind it.
Impressive stuff.
Coming up, all the people
from your wife's work
she claims are horrible
who, surprise, aren't.
Ugh, disgusting.
I can't believe that's my husband.
Although I shouldn't be surprised
after what happened
on our wedding night.
[CHUCKLES] Peter, are you ready?
Sorry, I already masturbated.
There was a seashell
on top of the toilet
that looked like a boob.
Okay, lunch is over.
We got more cookie
orders to take care of.
All right, let's get our sister crying.
I was all right ♪
For a while ♪
I could smile for a while ♪
But I saw you last night ♪
You held my hand so tight ♪
As you stopped to say hello ♪
Oh, you wished me well ♪
You couldn't tell ♪
That I'd been crying ♪
Over you ♪
Crying over you ♪
When you said "so long." ♪
[PETER] And that's why The Eagles are
the best yard work band of all time.
[JOE] I'm sorry, are we in a world
where the Steve Miller
band was never born?
Oh, this show gets dumber by the second.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Just come in!
Who even cares anymore? Oh, hi, Daddy.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I stopped by to Oh,
no way. I love this show.
Oh, is Meg around?
- She's in the kitchen.
- Excellent.
Well, aren't you gonna
ask how I'm doing?
Lois, I can see one,
two, three ant traps.
I know how you're doing. Oh, four.
Oh, hey, carter.
What are you doing here, grandpa?
Word has gotten around
about your cookies,
and I have a business
opportunity for you.
I'm throwing a party for
my billionaire friends
on Friday, and I'd like you to cater it.
Oh, my God! We'd love to.
Uh, Meg, maybe let a graduate
of the Howard Schultz
masterclass handle this.
I'm prepared to offer you 10,000
- We'll do it.
- pennies.
10,000 pennies, or $100.
Oh, dude, you blew it.
Just kidding, I'm super
rich. I'll pay you 50 grand.
Holy crap, $50,000!
I'll need 500 bags of cookies.
All right, see you Friday.
Ugh, I really don't want to have
to talk to your mother again.
Guess I'll just AirPods it out.
[LOIS] Bye, Daddy.
I said bye, Daddy.
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
You guys, I just want to thank you
for helping make my
cookies such a success.
It really means a lot to me.
And for the first time in my life,
I'm finally feeling proud of myself
and hopeful about my future.
I think I think I'm actually happy.
Oh, that's great to hear, Meg.
We're proud of you, too.
Now we got cookies to
make. Give us those tears.
[STRAINING]
Oh, I know. Meg, when you were a baby,
you were left at a fire station.
And those firemen left you
at another fire station.
The only reason you had
a date for homecoming
was because the guy got
community service hours for it.
Oh, no. I can't cry.
A-and when I hear about
my crappy old life,
I just feel proud and
happy about where I am now.
Uh-oh, no tears means no cookies.
Which also means no cookie business.
Hi, I'm Jamie Lee Curtis,
and I heard someone here
was having a problem
with feminine dryness.
Oh, I-I think I'm all set.
Have you tried Sliquid feminine wash,
the natural solution
to feminine dryness?
Oh, no, no.
I-I-I think we have
different problems, dawg.
Well, I'd hear her out.
Sliquid's the one feminine
wash that goes on dry
and doesn't drip.
Chris, are you selling intimacy products
with Jamie Lee Curtis?
Well, Stewie, I'd say
Sliquid sells itself.
[CHRIS AND JAMIE LAUGH]
It goes on dry?
Meg, I don't want to alarm you,
but if you can't cry,
we won't get the $50,000
from Carter for catering his party.
I know, I'm sorry.
It's just that, since the cookie
business became successful,
I'm not sad anymore.
Well, there goes my dream of becoming
the next Otis Spunkmeyer.
Your dream is to be Otis Spunkmeyer?
I love a company that works a
dirty word for a bodily fluid
into their name.
Chris, that is absolutely disgusting.
Hey, the way I see it, in this life,
ya gotta laugh.
God, he said "ya gotta
laugh" so many times,
it started to feel like a threat.
Why did we come to this again?
Remember that kid I
hit with my mail truck?
- That was the kid?
- That was the kid.
Ladies, I'm at the end of
my rope with this damn show.
Peter's become impossible to live with.
Yeah, Cleveland thinks he's fancy, too.
You know, he's demanding pert plus now
instead of regular old pert.
Joe's also gotten a big head lately.
When he eats graham crackers
now, he totally ignores
the suggested perforations.
He's like a mad king.
We've got to shut this show down.
Oh, I don't know.
Lois, have you heard what Peter said
on yesterday's show?
[PETER] And so I say, men,
we deserve a second drawer.
It should be four to
two, not five to one.
[GASPS]
Ladies, it's time to put
an end to their little show.
Now, remember, when
they start talking about
how awful women are, we storm the stage,
call them out on it.
And then we'll go viral and
the show will be canceled.
Welcome to Bar Table Talk.
Fellas, what's on your mind today?
Is it me, or does it
seem like no one knows how
to coil a garden hose anymore?
Remember sports guys you liked?
- Oh, yeah.
- Totally.
I like those guys.
Um, you know what, let's take a break.
We'll be right back.
- Oh, my god, it's happening.
- What's happening?
Ah, what are we doing?
I started this 'cause there were
no daytime talk shows with men,
and Lois said that's because
men eventually run out of things
to say to each other.
Well, looks like she was right.
I don't want to be right.
Lois? What are you all doing here?
We came down to get this show canceled.
Between the embarrassing content
and you becoming so
full of yourself at home,
well, I thought it was the only option.
But when I heard you
admit you were wrong,
I remembered why I married
you in the first place.
Because I proposed in an
offensive Chinese accent,
and you just wanted to
get out of the restaurant?
No, Peter, because
beneath all your craziness,
I know there's just a
sweet, confused child.
- Can I get a lizard?
- No, Peter.
But you said!
Fine, you can get a lizard.
I love you, Mom Lois.
I love you, too, Peter.
Can you watch my
lizard? I'm bored of it.
You really think seeing a therapist
is the best way to get me to cry?
Absolutely. And this
guy is the best in town.
See you next week, John.
Looking forward to it.
Man, there's nothing to do for that guy,
but he's got insurance.
Okay, who's Meg Griffin?
So, I'm Dr. Matthews,
but you can call me Brad.
My Delta Chi brothers
used to call me crusher,
so that's fair game, too.
Wow, this guy rocks.
Before we start, it's important to know
I only accept crypto.
So bitcoin, dogecoin or ethereum.
Oh, actually, wait. Not ethereum.
Wait, wait, no. I-I
don't, I don't anymore.
Wait, yes, yes, I do,
but you have to send it,
- like, right now.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Did you send it?
- I did.
No! Why did you do that?!
Ooh, "forget real
estate. Invest in money
you can't even see," they said.
Okay, I guess let's talk about you.
Well, earlier this week, I
cried into some cookie dough,
and my tears actually made
the cookies taste incredible.
So we started a successful
cookie business using my tears.
But now I'm too happy to cry anymore.
But no tears means no money.
Meg, have you considered
the reason you're happy
isn't because of the business?
That maybe it's because
you finally got to spend
quality time bonding with
the family members you love?
Oh, snap. My man crusher
dropping knowledge bombs.
Guys, is the money really
worth the sister you love
feeling badly about herself?
- No.
- It's not.
The new Thom Browne
line is out next week,
so maybe?
Wow, I can't believe
you'd choose my happiness
over all that money, you guys.
That really means a lot.
We just want you to be happy, Meg.
Chris is right. We love you.
Oh, I love you guys.
Hey, where's that diploma from?
Oh, that's not a diploma.
That's a certificate for
finishing the Big Bertha
at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati.
Got a t-shirt, too, but
it's at the dry cleaners.
Wow. Dry cleaning a t-shirt
bragging about a
regional food challenge?
That's the dream.
Honey, it's me. They fell
for the whole crusher routine.
Oh, and their little cookie business?
Let's just say I Took care of it.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
[SIREN WAILING]
What happened last night?
Oh, nothing. Just Just hit a home run
in my softball game.
No, I mean, I mean the building.
Huh? Oh, huge gas leak.
Won the game. Everybody's dead.
Sorry I got carried away with
my daytime talk show, Lois.
Oh, Peter, I'm just glad you're home
and still wearing television
makeup for some reason.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hey, sorry your cookie
business didn't work out, Meg.
Yeah, I guess it would
have been pretty sweet
to have a successful cookie
business, but it's fine.
You know, Meg, the way I see it,
life's too darn short.
Boy, that was brutal.
Yeah, what a big waste of time.
I know, it's like life
really is too darn short.
Huh. Maybe it was good.
Screw it, I'm getting a shirt.