Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s22e08 Episode Script

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Oh! By! It's a right bow, is that.
I bet tha could really overcharge for a bow like that.
Make me an offer.
If I do, I'm dead.
The wife wants a new table lamp.
Well, that's amazing! Funnily enough, this bow comes complete with a FREE table lamp.
That is amazing.
I think I'm being sucked in here.
Belonged to a champion archer.
Won all the competitions.
Accurate, is it? Accurate? Huh! He used to post his letters with it from his bedroom window, AND they lived 300 yards from the nearest postbox.
Did he wrap 'em round his arrows? They were stamped with his address.
The postman delivered them back.
Crafty! Mm.
So how come he's sold this amazing bow? Arthritis.
In his elbow.
Affected his aim.
Shot a traffic warden and had to flee from all the messages of congratulation.
Is it a good free table lamp? The wife wants summat different.
Well, the difference is you'll have your bow.
Tha can't argue with sound logic.
KNOCK ON DOOR Whatever it is, forget it, Howard.
HE KNOCKS AGAIN There's no-one at home.
This is a recording.
In fact, I've moved.
These premises are now occupied by a clergyman who has absolutely no time for people who go sneaking around with people called Marina.
Keep your voice down.
I've scarcely heard of the lady.
Open up, Cleggy, I've got something for you.
If you're coming in like that, aren't you supposed to shout "fault" or something? You caught me off balance.
You've been off balance a long time, Howard.
I've brought this tennis racquet for you, Cleggy, as a token of my appreciation for all your consistent and reliable refusals to help.
My pleasure, Howard.
And another pleasure is, I don't play tennis.
I've seen what it does to people's tempers.
I'm never going to be able to play tennis unless somebody who wants to play tennis comes and calls for me.
No, Howard.
Just come to the door swinging your racquet and looking like you're enjoying it.
One swing and I'm gonna look like a player? Well, you could wear a white sweater.
I don't have a white sweater.
Everybody has a white sweater! I got one once as a Christmas present.
I wouldn't be seen dead in it.
That sounds exactly right.
That's just what they wear for tennis.
I think I should talk Smiler into changing his image.
Uh-uh-uh! You wouldn't try conning poor old Smiler.
Hey, come on.
If anybody needs a change of image! I bet he doesn't need what you've talked him into.
Huh! I could transform his life.
He wants a companion for his declining years.
He can have mine.
Do you deliver? What's his address? Having a bit of a ricket at home, are we? There's no reasoning with her.
Have you tried shouting? No good.
She's louder than me.
Ah, but does she know 40 ways to survive in extreme conditions? What's that got to do with it? You once told me that you knew 40 ways to survive in extreme conditions.
So I did.
What's number 27? I've got it written down somewhere.
in extreme conditions.
I bought her this lovely table lamp.
She hates it.
Bad sign, Billy, when they start hating your table lamp.
She's hidden me new bow.
Not the pink one? Oh, but you looked lovely with it(!) Why don't you go and pester Smiler? He wants a companion in his declining years.
Yeah, and what does Truly want in HIS declining years? An extension.
Howard wants me to play tennis - at least he wants me to LOOK like someone who plays tennis.
He wants me to wear a sweater.
You can do that.
Even YOU'RE athletic enough to wear a sweater.
Not the one I've got.
MECHANICAL BUZZING What the chuff was that? I don't know, but if they're out here in any numbers, I'm off.
Sounded like the telephone voice of the former Mrs Truelove - "eeowww"! Did you see it? Isn't she great? My radio-controlled, flying model aircraft - have you seen it? Seen it? Huh! It went up his trousers, down my jumper and under Truly's hat.
Well, I hope she's not damaged.
A caring person, that Barry(!) He's not in.
I've got one here needs signing for.
William Simmonite Esquire.
William? That's his father.
It has to be signed for.
When'll he be in? You'll have to take it back.
He's no longer here.
Did he leave a forwarding address? Well, there's still some argument about that.
He's dead.
Oh, that's awkward.
I expect he felt the same.
Er, is the letter important? Well, I'm sure I don't go around reading other people's mail, but it's from Atkinson & Blank, solicitors.
A solicitor's letter! Oh, it is important.
I could sign for it, if you wish, and make sure his son gets it.
His next of kin.
That'll be OK.
It's the least you can do for a solicitor's letter.
He's not had one of these since he gave up poaching.
I wonder if somebody reported his trousers.
Well, they've left it a bit late.
And he was never as bad as he looked.
TENNIS BALL IS HIT I can't get used to you moving at that speed.
I think the only other time was when you spilled hot tea down you.
Oh, it's fine, once you force yourself through the pain barrier.
Ah, I'm just practising a few shots.
You'd be off like a shot if you had to do any real sport.
I know what your idea of sport is.
How long have you been into tennis? Ever since Norman Clegg got me interested in it.
Norman Clegg plays tennis? Oh, he's quite keen, is Cleggy.
What, OUR Norman Clegg? The Norman Clegg who lives next door? The one who'd be stiff all day if he had to lick on a few stamps? He's a fanatic.
We were talking only this morning.
I hate it when I know you're lying and I can't quite put my finger on it.
How's anybody supposed to tinker with an engine this size? Could I ask how long you've been aeronautical, Barry, if it's not an infringement of your human rights? It's a passion.
Do they allow passion at the building society? Outside office hours, as long as I'm not late for work.
Sounds like summat the missus could have introduced.
Speaking of the missus, I've gotta sort out a table lamp.
He's sulking because she confiscated his longbow.
And me arrows.
I've just finished decorating me quiver.
With forget-me-nots(?) No, you barmpot, with the words "death before dishonour".
The motto of the car boot salesman! I think she needs beefing up.
I think she needs an early-warning system.
She nearly took my head off.
I tried to get her higher, but she wouldn't go any higher.
I think the engine needs more power.
I've got no spanners to fit this.
What about your eyebrow tweezers? Who let him in? I always knew it - you're a big-hammer merchant.
Comes to dainty - no chance.
Looks like you're grounded, Barry.
Oh, don't say that.
I have this urge to go higher.
Does our Glenda know? Glenda doesn't approve.
She thinks flying's dangerous.
The way you do it, it is.
Oh, yes, I was right, you see.
Oh, I never doubted it.
Atkinson & Blank, solicitors.
To William Simmonite Esquire.
Oh, it's bound to be trouble if they're calling him Esquire.
Of course, I've told you this in confidence.
Oh, absolutely.
No reason everybody should know he's getting solicitor's letters.
Hey-up, Tom.
I hear thee dad's got a solicitor's letter.
My dad? Nora Batty's got it.
A solicitor's letter! For my father? Crafty old devil! That's another one he's dodged.
What can it be? Well, it's probably nothing.
Me mam never claimed any.
You don't think you're the only one, do you? How do you think he wore out his bicycle? Well, whatever it is, as next of kin, you'll be responsible.
Whatever it is, I wasn't anywhere near at the time.
No, of course not.
The court will take that into consideration and we'll visit you.
Don't worry.
Thanks(!) Don't forget to write! Uh-uh.
Hey, they were all just talking about you.
Your dad's got a solicitor's letter.
Probably want to know why he didn't accept a knighthood from the Queen.
Tom, you've got a solicitor's letter.
He knows that.
Half the town knows that.
I'm sure I've no idea who's been talking.
I bet you're famous as far as Huddersfield.
And that's far enough for anybody.
I had to sign for it, on account of its being important.
It is! A solicitor's letter! I should hope so after all the advance publicity.
Well, get it open, lad.
Do you think I ought to open it now? In here? Yes! "Atkinson & Blank, solicitors.
" Let's hope it's from Atkinson.
Blank doesn't sound too cheerful.
He never used to get letters when he was alive.
It's a funny time for him to start getting mail now.
Here.
You read it, I daren't.
It's addressed to William Simmonite Esquire.
Well, that's serious for a start.
It's got a very Old Bailey sort of ring to it.
"From Messrs Atkinson & Blank, solicitors.
"In the matter of James Birdwell, deceased.
" It's a murder charge! "You are requested to call at this office in regard to an outstanding item concerning his estate.
"Yours faithfully," etc, etc.
Who is he? Who WAS he? James Birdwell? Deceased.
I don't know a James Birdwell even when he was undeceased.
Birdie.
It's Birdie the bookie! Oh, Birdie the bookie! Oh, him! "James Birdwell deceased.
Requested to call at this office.
"Outstanding item concerning his estate.
" Hellfire! He's still after him for money.
Wouldn't you think all bets'd be off once you're deceased? What makes you think me father owed him money? Because he always owed him money.
To a bookie, your father was like Santa coming down the chimney.
You must remember the man had this big car to support.
Your father had the worst system with horses since The Charge of the Light Brigade.
They say you can judge a horse by looking it in the eye.
I think your father was at the wrong end.
It's unfair they can still get you when you're dead.
Vampires! You never think of vampires wearing loud check suits.
It's bad enough paying money to live bookies.
What's he gonna do with it? It goes to his estate, his survivors, his family his racing stables.
INTERCOM BUZZES Mr Blank will see you now.
Oh, we were hoping for Atkinson.
This way, please.
Remember, you're pleading insanity.
Pretty convincingly, I always think.
If I'm not back in ten minutes, come and get me.
Throw yourself on his mercy.
No, cancel that.
Better still, throw yourself out of his window.
Remember, ten minutes.
Make that five.
MECHANICAL BUZZING They will go on holiday and pick up these foreign bugs.
Hey-up, he's left me dad a telly.
Good old Birdie! A colour telly.
All for being one of his oldest clients.
Not to mention daftest.
It's the first time he's ever won.
Hey, it's a good job your father never spent any more, or Mr Birdwell, to show his gratitude, might have left you Mrs Birdwell! We'll have to collect it.
I won't lug some huge telly through the streets.
It's at his house.
We'll borrow Wesley.
What about that, then - good old Birdie! You can't go in that condition.
You can't visit his widow's house dressed like that.
Ask Clegg if he's got an old suit.
That's all I've got - old suits! I'm glad I've caught you, Cleggy.
I wonder if you'd do me a little favour.
Any more questions, Howard? Come on, Cleggy.
This is ME, Howard - your neighbour.
I just want Pearl to see you looking as if you're interested in tennis.
Just a stroll round the yard, swinging your racquet.
Come on, Cleggy, I've given you the racquet.
And if you could just wear a tennis-type sweater.
There are some things no man should be asked to do, Howard.
I know what you mean.
Auntie Gladys knitted them for the whole family.
It was a weight hanging over you, knowing she'd arrive at any minute.
They pretend they'll shrink, but they never do.
They just get bigger.
Tom can wear it.
We need to smarten him up.
Why doesn't he wear it? I could wear it.
I don't mind wearing it.
It'll do me psyche a lot less damage than a suit.
I'd rather Pearl saw Cleggy wearing it.
It's as close as you're gonna get, Howard.
Everybody else has a mobile phone.
I have a talking letter box.
Ow! She claims to be over-stressed.
In some of those blouses she wears, she is! Talk about Weightwatchers - she lets everybody watch where she's got any weight.
And to think I've been living with Sports Personality Of The Year! How long has he been Mr Wimbledon? Ever since Norman Clegg talked him into it.
Norman Clegg plays tennis? That's what I said! It's like seeing a nun on Rollerblades.
Ye gods! It's infectious.
They have to be sporting to wear anything like that.
Try to look like you're enjoying it.
I look like an idiot! It suits you.
Some of our best friends are idiots.
ALL our best friends are idiots! I see Pearl watching suspiciously.
I think that was your first double fault right there, Howard.
Come on, then, let's get me telly.
Your father's hard-earned telly.
Didn't he ever pick a winner? Fancied Nora Batty.
That should tell you summat.
I thought it was the horse that was supposed to wear the blinkers.
If it turns nasty and anyone looks for me, I'll be in Tom's sweater.
There's room for more than thee.
I thought it was only the criminal classes that could afford housing of this standard.
Wesley! How do, May? What's all this lot? Circus in town, is it? I've come for me telly, missus.
Will you be able to see it through all that sweater? You'll have to excuse him, madam, he's an imbecile.
Well, he's in good company by t'look of it.
I told you.
Wicked tongue.
Haven't you got something oily you could be tinkering with? Has it got Ceefax? What he means is we're sorry to intrude on such a sad occasion.
He's been dead nearly a year.
Mind you, you're right, it IS sad.
I never realised how much I'd miss shouting at him.
What size telly is it? My, my! He's brokenhearted, isn't he(?) It's a big one.
Go with your sweater.
It's not really MY sweater.
They've been smartening me up a bit.
This lot? You think that was smart? My Barry's taken up flying.
Only with little model aircraft.
I know, but where will it end? I see him looking up at the moon sometimes and I dread him becoming an astronaut.
I thought he was sick on buses? Only if he's at the rear.
I used to know a flyer.
We know.
You did your bit for all three services.
I was collecting cap badges.
They were all the rage at the time.
Oh, I remember.
You could get two Royal Artillery for one Black Watch.
How do you know things like that? I had a little brother.
I'm afraid I had no excuse as convenient as that.
Mine's never shown the slightest interest in model aircraft.
These things need nipping in the bud.
That's true.
Mine once came home from the fairground with a goldfish.
Next thing we knew, we had a tank the size of a dining-room table.
I always think when they start with hobbies, it marks the end of your honeymoon period.
I never wanted my honeymoon to end.
She had a lovely sea view.
Drink your coffee.
If anything wants quickly ending, it's the honeymoon period, then you can get down to the serious business of being married.
I think there should be a home for unwanted husbands.
Well, you did your best.
Mine's taken up tennis.
He's got knees hardly fit enough for dominoes.
It's the waiting that gets you when they've taken up flying.
How dangerous is tennis? For him, VERY, if he's playing it the way I think he's playing it.
Do you think your Barry's really one for getting into danger? It's not just one kind of danger.
If he starts flying, next thing you know, he'll have some smart uniform and he'll be covered with air hostesses.
Your father's been in transport all his life and the only thing he's been covered with is oil.
But who's the one who has the husband who looks magnificent in uniform? Does anyone know anyone who wants to buy a fish tank? Hey-up! I know where this is going.
Oooh! So that's what they're doing! I thought it was wrestling.
So, I thought he should have the telly.
He'll make the most of it.
Well done, that man.
Oh, Barry! I had an appointment here for tennis.
My partner's let me down.
Tennis? Out here? He thought we ought to practise away from prying eyes until we both improved our style.
Well, I'd give you a lift, but I'm going flying.
I'm bored with tennis.
Why don't we go flying? Should we stop, do you think? Oh, Barry! It depends on the strength of the impulse.
So, you're a flyer.
Tell me more.
I'd love to be carried to dizzy heights.
I think Howard's following us on a bicycle.
Howard who? Oooh! Eee! She's a she's a man's bow, is this.
Direct descendent of Robin Hood.
Are you sure it was Robin? Are you sure it wasn't Little Red Riding Hood? Put the bow down, Billy.
While you're messing about with that, something's probably eating Grandma.
I'll have it mastered in a minute.
Just you wait.
I'm ontop of this.
Woaaah! PLANE WHINES What a fabulous shot! Direct descendent of Robin Hood.
Thanks, Wesley.
Well, she wanted summat different.
She's got you.
I should have thought that was different enough.
Anyone for tennis? BBC