Family Guy s22e09 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
There you are, Peter.
Help me hang the stockings.
Not now, Lois. It's time for
my favorite holiday movie,
Frosty the Snowman,
where a hero takes a
little girl into the woods
and then brags that he can
disappear whenever he wants.
Huh. I can't see the TV.
I must be dreaming.
Which means nothing's real!
- [GRUNTING]
- [GASPS, GROANING]
No, Peter, stop! You're not dreaming!
Yeah, and why was that your first move?
The TV's gone. We're cutting the cord.
We need money for Christmas
gifts, so I sold it.
What?! This rageful
anger calls for alcohol!
[GULPING]
- Where's Brian?
- Peter, stop it.
What am I supposed to do without a TV?
Hang out at the gap?
Could you please point
me to your blandest shirt?
One that I'm guaranteed to
see four other guys wearing
before I even get to my car.
Sure, it's right over there.
Just be careful while you're browsing
that you don't lose track
of which white guy is you.
Oh, that looks good on me.
[ANNOUNCER] The gap,
the only clothing store
named for a taint.
Located between Vera Wang
and the Rocky Mountain
Chocolate Factory.
Look, I know this
seems like a big change,
but we don't need a television anymore.
Yeah, Dad. A single
TV console is outdated.
Everyone just streams now
on their individual devices.
Who is this person who speaks
to me as if I needed his advice?
Dad, I'm just trying to
bring you into the modern era.
I see.
[SCREAMING]
- [SPLAT]
- [MAN] Quiet up there!
Sorry! Just demonstrating
I'm still relevant
by making a very old movie reference!
Peter, meg was right.
We don't need a TV in the
golden age of streaming.
"Golden age of streaming"?
Look, my streams are sporadic at best.
And last week, there was blood.
Can we have one holiday where
we don't discuss dad's rod?
Besides, all my shows
are on network television.
How the hell am I supposed
to watch Chicago Fire
- without a TV?
- Who cares?
It's a lazy, formulaic show.
And it's not even filmed in Chicago.
Yeah, right. Tell that to the boys
putting out a blaze this week
in the famed Chicago hills.
It almost burned down
the Chicagowood sign!
Peter, stop it.
God, you're going in circles,
like a desert vulture.
Hey, maybe we shouldn't
always fly in a circle.
Sure. And maybe I can also
have rough sex with your mother.
Whoa! Come on.
Well, that's how I feel about your idea.
[ANNOUNCER] We now return
to Frosty the Snowman.
There was indeed some
magic in that old silk hat,
along with duct tape, zip ties
and some very troubling Polaroids.
See? This is the kind of wholesome stuff
I'll miss without a TV.
Lois is right, Peter.
Network television stinks.
Streaming is way more entertaining.
Yeah? Name one good show on "streaming."
Mare of Easttown!
- Fargo!
- True Detective.
- American Rust!
- Broadchurch.
That isn't about a person
attempting to navigate life
in a small town in the
aftermath of a murder.
Look, come on, just-just
give streaming a chance.
Don't you want to watch something where,
if you miss even a second,
you're hopelessly confused?
Yeah! Or a great premise,
which puts a lot of balls in the air,
followed by a horribly
disappointing ending
that drops all of them?
And on HBO Max,
sometimes after the credits,
you can watch the actors
talk about the show.
Yeah, I don't just want to see
Connie Britton do a good job.
I want to see Connie Britton talking
about the good job she just did.
You know what I'm not hearing, guys?
Cedric the entertainer
telling a white guy
that he doesn't walk the right way.
Hmm. I may have to side with Peter now.
And you also haven't told me
about a single show with Sheldon.
For every program, I want to know,
is there a Sheldon
and at what stage of life is he?
He is the perfect dumb
guy's version of a smart guy.
And I demand him on my television!
All right. I think I see
how to untangle this knot.
Last Tango in Halifax.
- What?
- You've never heard of Tango?
Well, Anne Reid and Derek
Jacobi play Celia and Alan,
a couple reunited in their
70s after 60 years apart.
Sarah Lancashire plays
Celia's formidable daughter,
Caroline. And n
- [SCREAMS]
- [SPLAT]
Look, guys, I j I don't like
gritty, convoluted television.
I like the simple,
comforting joy of network TV.
Peter, the point of
TV isn't joy anymore.
It's to destroy you emotionally.
Who the hell wants to
watch something happy
when you can watch
Koreans fight to the death?
Well, I disagree. And I'm not
letting Lois get away with this.
'Cause I miss my shows.
Like the comedy of black-ish
or those classic New York conversations
at the beginning of Law & Order.
Hey, you see that Aaron
Judge baseball hit last night?
Sure did. Right here in
one of our five boroughs.
Oh, no! I bet you a slice of
New York Pizza Pie he's dead!
I can't believe you buy milk
and bras at the same place.
God, we're trash.
What? Where's the fridge?
I sold it. You get rid of
the things I love,
I get rid of the things you love.
I also sold that tiny Jewish
hat you keep in the bathroom.
That was my diaphragm.
Ah. Well, Mort's gonna
have a rough day at temple.
Look, just give streaming a shot.
After all, it can't be any worse
than when we went to
the Florida Panhandle.
Mmm. Ah, this shrimp is
delicious. [CHUCKLES]
[GASPS, CHOKING]
Oh, god, my wife's choking!
Is there a doctor in the house?!
College graduate?
High school graduate?
Some high school with vocational degree?
Whoever gets the shrimp out
of her windpipe can have it!
[SCREAMING, SHOUTING]
Well, I guess it's time to
try this streaming thing.
Hey, what's our Netflix password?
Uh, I don't know. I use Quagmire's.
Squirrel Hunter?
The Truth About Kicking
Your Leg During Sleep?
Only the Otis Scenes of Milo and Otis?
And Thirsty Romanian Coeds. All right!
We do have some overlap.
Okay, I guess I'll
click "forgot password."
Now it's asking me to pick all
the stoplights in a picture.
Huh. A stoplight in
front of a movie theater
with a marquee reading spotlight.
This might be a trick.
All right, "what is the
first concert you attended?"
"Smash Mouth, the time they
got bread thrown at them."
"favorite pet?"
Wait, you're not gonna
write "Bartholomew," are you?
No, no, no. I would never do that.
Bartholomew, Bartholomew ♪
I'm dancing with my
favorite dog, Bartholomew! ♪
[KNOCKING]
Kevin James?!
Hi, Peter. You were my
last viewer. [CHUCKLES]
And now that you've
gotten rid of network TV,
I'm out of a job.
Well, you're a sitcom dad,
so if the couch accepts
you, you can come in.
[SCREAMS]
[GIGGLES]
Road couch.
Wow! Kevin James!
I can't believe you're here!
Hey, guys, we got company!
No nude wandering!
Well, so much for Full Frontal Fridays.
Wait, Triple "F" is a no-go?
Look, I'm here because
now that I don't have
any viewers or a job,
I need you to take care of me.
What, is that some kind of rule?
Of course it is, Lois.
In network TV, if someone
shows up at your door,
you have to take care of 'em.
It's the pilot of most shows.
Oh, really? Name 50.
New Girl, Two and a Half Men,
Punky Brewster, Perfect Strangers,
Frasier, Will & Grace,
Friends, Joey, Home Economics,
Mom, Dads, Cheers,
Hope & Faith, Raising Hope,
Full House, Fuller House,
- King of Queens
- That's good.
- I-I think we get it.
- Oh, no, no.
No, this is a "name
all 50" kind of show.
Too Close for Comfort, Mork & Mindy,
The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere,
The United States of Al, Yes, Dear,
Down and out in Beverly
Hills, The TV series,
Rhoda, Golden Girls,
Alf, Meego, Empty Nest,
Wings, My Two Dads,
Evening Shade, I Dream of Jeannie,
Off Centre, Webster,
The Bernie Mac Show, The
Return of Jezebel James,
Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth,
Union Square, Bram & Alice,
The Grinder, Bleep My Dad Says,
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,
Damon, Happy Endings,
Big Brother Jake, Three's Company,
Mama's Family and Who's the Boss?
Oh, yeah? Name 50 more.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Silver Spoons, The Odd Couple,
The New Odd Couple
- Diff'rent Strokes and
- [CREAKING]
Oh, my God! She hung herself!
Nah, nah, that's from airplane.
We do that kind of stuff, too.
You can stay.
Family, meet Kevin.
Wow! I guess black dress
shirts aren't just for magicians.
[QUIETLY] Peter, you can't
just invite him to stay here.
Come on, Lois. When
you got rid of the TV,
did you really think it wouldn't end
with me bunking with Kevin James?
So, Kevin, what's Mandy Patinkin like?
Uh, I don't know. Never met him.
I thought you said this
guy was a [BLEEP] star.
Hey, Brian, when are you
going to try to impress
our Hollywood guest
with your writerly chops?
Uh, your mouth's moving!
You're already rehearsing it.
So, Kevin, the Hollywood
game can be pretty tough, huh?
Do you have Hollywood experience?
[CHUCKLING] Well, actually
He sure does! We went out there once,
and on day one, Brian bit a Culkin.
Tried to pet him without
showing his hand first
and, boom, fingers gone.
I need to see the hand!
It's how I know he's not an aggressor.
Kevin, I don't understand.
How can you be out of work?
You're not just a television actor
you're a movie star!
Movie star? [CHUCKLES] Come on.
I mean, I guess Paul
Blart did make 200 million
on a shoestring budget,
Iwas the single
most bankable comedy actor
of the last two decades
and the audience score on Grown
Ups was very respectable.
Eh, the last one doesn't seem
to measure up with the first two.
But everything I had was because
people knew me from network TV.
And now that's over.
So, Peter, what are we
gonna do after dinner?
Get a large bowl of popcorn
and watch the big game
in our sports uniforms?
Yeah, Kevin, uh, I think
you've only watched
sporting events on TV shows.
Nobody calls it "the big game"
or makes a large bowl of popcorn.
But then what's gonna
fly all over the place
- when we get excited?
- [GIGGLES]
Okay. A-all right,
all right, that's fair.
All right, look, Kevin
can stay for dinner,
but then he has to leave.
But he doesn't have anywhere else to go!
And this whole thing is our fault.
Come on, look at him he's got no idea
what life outside of sitcoms is like.
I tell you what I'll show him
how to be a real real guy
and not just a sitcom real guy,
and then he'll be on his way.
[SIGHS] Fine.
I guess I can't kick
someone out on Christmas.
But where's he gonna sleep?
Don't worry. I got that all figured out.
You won't even notice he's there.
- [SNORING]
- [CANNED LAUGHTER]
In network TV, what
someone says won't happen,
that's what's gonna happen.
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
Hey, where's Kevin? I
thought we were gonna show him
how regular guys drink.
We are, but he's still adjusting,
and he won't enter a
room until his warm-up guy
works the crowd.
- So, where you folks from?
- Quahog.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, quahog.
I'll talk a little slower.
- Aw, he got me.
- I'm just kidding.
And, hey, thank you for your service.
Oh, I was never in the military.
I was talking to the
booth holding you up.
Oh, damn it, he got me
again! This guy's too quick.
All right, everyone, Kevin's
gonna be out in a moment,
so remember, he feeds off your energy.
So the better you are, the
better Kevin's gonna be.
Hi, guys. Great to see you tonight.
Wait, he couldn't just think of that?
And doesn't Peter Griffin look handsome?
I took the cue cards.
I grabbed him from behind too hard,
and now he's not moving.
Hey, Kevin, was that
lady always pressuring you
to join Scientology?
No. I'm a devout catholic,
and that's even weirder.
Did you know that when
unbaptized babies die,
they go into limbo until the pope said
that wasn't a thing anymore?
Yeah, my grandpa went to hell
for eating meat on Fridays.
Worth it.
Well, Kevin, it's time to teach you
how real blue-collar guys
pay real bills in real life.
See this? It's a mortgage bill.
And this is how it gets paid.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's Peter.
- Please pay my mortgage.
- [CARTER] Damn it, Griffin!
I'm crying, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, I'm crying.
I know you're crying. Act like a man.
I can't. I'm not a man.
And if you don't pay it,
I'm gonna hurt myself
and your grandchildren.
- Stop threatening me.
- It's not a threat if I do it.
It's not a threat if I do it.
- Okay, okay, I'll pay it.
- Thank you.
All right, now to show you
how to pay a utility bill.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- Kevin, it's Peter.
I really messed up, man.
Good news. I got my first real job
as an actual UPS guy.
They said I was the last non-robot
they're ever gonna hire.
That's great, buddy.
You narrowly escaped becoming a realtor.
Hi. Are you the realtor
for this property?
I am. I blew out my shoulder
playing minor league
baseball, so now I do this.
[ANNOUNCER] Realtors:
Never anyone's plan A.
And I also started dating a woman
who looks like she
actually belongs with me.
She has the most negative
dating app page I've ever seen.
"Wants to know where
all the good men are.
Integrity only. I will
not cosign a loan,"
with the "not" underlined.
And a picture of her dog
that says, "The only man
who's never lied to
me." Oh, this is great.
Yeah, I think I'm a
real real guy now, Peter.
You sure are. You see, Kev,
nothing's gonna stop
you in the real world
except for your own
cardiovascular system.
Hey, I'm only heavy
'cause Adam Sandler made me
gain 60 pounds to be in his movies.
I was Ethel to his Lucy.
Anyway, I owe you, Peter. Put it there.
Aah! What happened to your hand?
I-I don't know. It-it's disappearing.
Were you also bit by Brian?
[LAUGHS] That's the Culkin.
Let me guess, one of you chuckleheads
has a nutcracker inside you.
- What? No.
- Hi.
We're nonjudgmental interns
just here to observe.
False alarm. Not what I thought.
[INTERNS] Aww.
Whenever interns observe,
it's because we think you
put something in there.
Listen, doctor, I need you
to help my friend Kevin.
Oh, my God, Kevin James!
You know, you owe your career to me.
I'm the doctor who
couldn't save John Candy.
Doctor, my hand, it's disappearing,
and I don't know what to do.
Kevin, your arm. It's getting worse.
Hmm. I think I see what's going on here.
Kevin is fading away
because streaming has
made him irrelevant.
Is there anything we can do for him?
Yes. Sitcom stars like
Kevin clearly need the laughs
of a studio audience, or
he may disappear forever.
His hair was disappearing, too,
but I assume he took
care of that another way.
Is there someone I can talk to?
Ah, there's our guy. Interns!
Guys, we gotta get Kevin back on TV.
So ideas. Go.
Kevin plays a large robot,
and it's called Big Wonder.
[LAUGHS] Not bad, not
bad. Okay, what else?
A show in which Kevin moves
in with a woman named Betsy,
and it's called Kevins to Betsy.
Or he's the seventh in
a long line of Kevins,
for Seventh Kevin.
Yeah, they don't all have to be puns
built around the name Kevin.
Guys, I think we were all
laughing at Big Wonder.
We're not doing Big Wonder.
Why? Because you didn't think of it?
Chris, the brainstorming
process is admittedly messy,
but let's try to stay
away from personal attacks.
I have an idea. I'm a
stepdad with six daughters,
and it's called Daddy's Girls.
I don't know. Not sure I see the hook.
And I trick them into washing
my car in their bikinis
while I hide in the backseat.
Okay, now I love it.
It's not just funny, it's smart.
You know, I'm on GoDaddy,
and the domain name "big
wonder" is available.
- Chris, stop pushing this.
- Oh, really?
'Cause if Kevin pitched it,
you'd put your mouth on him.
All right, that's it.
You're grounded for life.
Which was also a fat dad sitcom.
[LAUGHS] Okay, all right, we've made up.
I've got an idea. Kevin is a baker,
and he adopts 12 children.
The title writes itself.
Yeah, and the tagline is
"he's got muffin to lose."
Okay, wow, all right,
this is too good for Kevin.
We have to write this now.
You know why he's a baker?
Because he kneads the dough.
[LAUGHS] I love this
poster. I mean show.
Peter, my arm is almost gone now.
Oh, god, what are we gonna do?
Okay, come on, everyone.
It's time to go to city
hall for the tree lighting.
And Meg's in the nativity
play as the virgin Mary.
Wait a minute. The nativity play.
Kevin, I got an idea,
and it's my best idea
since I put hockey ice in the kitchen.
- [TIMER DINGS]
- Yay, waffles.
Mine. Hockey house.
Everyone, change of plans.
This year we're gonna do a twist
on the usual story of the king of kings,
with the "King of Queens," Kevin James.
Peter, this isn't gonna work.
Sure it will. The doctor said
you need live audience laughter.
The conceit is he's a
single dad with a baby.
[LAUGHS] The conception
may be immaculate,
but the diaper sure isn't.
- [BOOING]
- Get off the stage.
Network TV is stupid.
Why does Jerry Stiller
have such a big chest?
Peter, my leg.
Come on, guys, network TV isn't stupid.
It-it's
It's like the bible.
Sure, the plot doesn't make sense
if you think about it.
The characters are a
little over the top.
Both tell the same tired
stories again and again.
No one ever seems to learn their lesson.
And neither ever offers an
authentic female point of view.
Oh, if I can add to that
Not now, Lois, I'm talking.
But the point is, network
TV It makes you feel good.
And when the rest of life
is so exhausting and hard,
isn't that all that's important?
Peter, my other leg!
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
Yes. Kevin, keep going.
That went well.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, there's the star of Bethlehem,
which is one more star than
I'm giving this inn on Yelp.
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
Oh, that's so funny.
I use Yelp.
Do you think Ben Stiller's chest
will pop out like his dad's?
I just want to know what to expect.
See, isn't this fun?
Everyone laughing together
at the same simple thing,
instead of all of us on
our individual devices
watching depressing,
complicated bull crap?
We need Kevin James,
and we need network TV.
Joy to the world ♪
The Lord is come ♪
Let earth receive her king ♪
Peter, my limbs. They're coming back.
And that's not all. Look!
It's old sitcom stars.
They're coming out of the cornfield.
It's Jenna Elfman.
Tony Danza.
- And, uh
- Traylor Howard,
from Two Guys and a Girl.
Yeah, you're not a star.
You shouldn't be in the cornfield.
But I was also in the later
seasons of Monk.
I see.
- [SCREAMING]
- [SPLAT]
Now your list of credits
includes Castle.
Hi, I'm Les Moonves Chen.
And I'm hiding behind
my wife's name now.
Kevin, I'm looking for my
own television comeback,
and enough power that I can
sexually harass doctors again.
- And I'm anyone else.
- I'll go with you.
And to think I was about to kiss you.
Kevin, let's go make a sitcom.
I can't believe it.
I'm gonna be on TV again.
I'm going back to Hollywood.
[ALL GASP]
[GASPS] He's a Christmas miracle.
Can I please have my TV back now?
Yes, Peter, you can.
Yay! Kiss me, Lois.
And think about our
marriage while we're kissing.
Mm
Oh, Barkley, my Barkley ♪
The other dog we had. ♪
And that's Baker's Dozen.
We're hoping you say yes.
Or just roll with it.
[LAUGHTER]
Great pitch, guys.
This is exactly the kind
of tagline-driven comedy
- we're looking for.
- Really?
The only problem is
we've already committed
to another project:
- Big Wonder.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
- What?!
- He owns the rights to the domain name.
That's a big deal in our world.
Fine. We don't need you.
We'll take this down
the hall to Scott Rudin.
[LOUD CRASH]
He threw a computer at me.
He didn't even ask who I was.