Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s22e10 Episode Script

Will you pack it in?! The whole house is shaking! There's plaster falling off in there.
He's very forceful, your Tom.
He's unreliable! I think there's another woman.
There'd better not be another woman.
You've got a good lass.
I've seen the way she looks after your house! Looks after it?! She's shaking it to bits! Nobody can get any sleep.
It's time you married this good lass, settle down.
He keeps saying he will.
I-I'm working on it.
Has he promised you? Twice a week.
Am I supposed to remember everything?! I'll get him settled down.
I feel I owe it to his father.
Hey up! Morning, Billy.
Morning, Billy! Some human beings! I bring you greetings from the planet Matrimony.
You're up early this morning, Billy.
The wife's sister's coming.
You feel outnumbered against wife AND sister.
You miss work, do you Billy? I miss GOING to work.
I miss the excitements of the police force.
Yes, I know how you feel.
I miss the excitements of being a lino salesman.
We were armed, you know.
We had this long ruler with a brass end.
Or was that the manager? I'm being serious! In the force, if you were bored, you could always stir up a bit of excitement.
For example, watch this W-What is it? I-I mean, what have I done? Just a word of warning, sir.
Someone's reported me.
They have, haven't they? And it's the first time I've ever damaged a library book.
I told 'em I'd pay.
My cat's not normally into library books.
We're prepared to take a lenient view on this occasion and merely issue a caution.
Oh, the wife WILL be relieved.
She feels like a gangster's trollop! In the meantime, this is a general warning to proceed cautiously until they recapture the tiger.
T-Tiger? Stripy.
Big teeth.
You'll know it when you see it.
Should I turn round? I wouldn't do that, sir.
Never turn your back on a tiger! Now off you go, sir.
And keep your eyes peeled and your windows closed.
That's Billy Ingleton! Billy Ingleton? He nearly knew Pavarotti.
What's a Pavarotti? You're wicked.
You know that, don't you? Huh! He'll be all right.
He's got a cat of his own.
You know, some folk will believe anything.
How about ALL folk? Not me, son.
ROAR! You dozy beggar! Hee, hee! I've got to have her.
The wife will kill me but I've got to have her.
What's this, what's this? I think I'm in love.
I don't wish to be rude, Wesley, but you're too old for a midlife crisis.
Maybe it's not his.
Maybe he borrowed it.
You'll never get away with another woman, Wesley.
People will recognise the oil stains you leave.
It's not a woman.
Who gets excited about a woman?! I don't know.
There was a time I still remember - vaguely.
Well, I'm with him.
It's this really fabulous machine.
I've always wanted one.
She's waiting for me.
I've got to have her.
Edie's going to kill me, but I've got to have her! It's either a temperature or his motor's overheating.
You've no poetry in your lives, you lot! How can you say that to a former lino salesman?! Cleggy Cleggy? Just stamp your foot once if you're in there! Or twice if you're not! I wish you wouldn't creep up like that! Looking a bit guilty, Howard! Will you keep your voice down?! What have I got to look guilty about? They'll find something.
I've just been accused without any evidence! They DO.
Oh, it's wicked! If you're calling for Norman Clegg, I don't think he's in.
So who'll deliver that little note to Marina? What note? That little note in your pocket.
Excuse me! I don't have any note in my pocket.
Or hidden in your cap! I suppose I MIGHT be able to deliver it for you! Do you think you could? A quid.
I only take first class.
Have you finished your ironing, Barry? I've stopped doing it.
I was doing a satin-effect blouse - the one with the little pleats and the fancy collar - and I thought, "No! Enough of this modern male lark.
I'll be pregnant next!" I'm going to do something gritty and masculine.
Barry! You're in overalls.
I'm going to the shed to help your father.
I don't care if I get grease under my fingernails.
Don't want to break one, but grease is OK.
Ironing's safer, Barry.
I don't want safer.
I want action.
Well, you've got your pottery decorating.
I'm going to the shed.
I'm going to help your father, and follow his example until I have his gift for looking manly and filthy.
Did he ask you to help? No.
He never asks, because he thinks I'm a total willy.
He thinks I'm terminally clean.
I've got to show your father I can be just as unsightly as he is.
Promise me you won't get all muscular like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Ow! And this is it? This is what you're in love with?! Nurse THIS back to health? You were right.
Edie will kill you.
HE CACKLES I've always wanted one.
Christmases were always a disappointment.
If you wanted a rust bucket, you could have had the ex-Mrs Truelove! But does she have gears and a thing that goes up and down? Her tongue.
Never stopped.
.
.
What will you do with this? DO with her?! I'm going to give her a good home, bring her back to tiptop condition.
And then what will you do? There's a million things you can do with her.
I can get cats down from trees! Is there much of a demand for that sort of thing? If there isn't, he'll put cats UP trees.
Here we go, here we go! I think he's finally snapped! It's all those fumes from his burning cap! What's he doing? He's weaving all over the place, is what he's doing.
We'll have to pull him over.
Let's not be hasty.
Think of his reputation.
Think of the effect on his family.
Think of all the lousy paperwork! Well, we can both take a bit home and get the wife to do it.
They can't spell! Well, I can live with people thinking I can't spell! SIREN WAILS Good morning, sir.
It's all right, thank you.
I have been warned.
Warned already, have you? Mmm.
He's a persistent offender.
We've got a bit of a hard nut here.
We're going to have to go through with it now.
He might claim it's racial.
How? He could be Welsh.
Bit unsteady, aren't we, sir? Are you not feeling well? Well, not too great right now, under the circumstances.
You are aware you were drifting all over the road? Hehe warned me to keep a lookout.
For what, sir? For the tiger! I'mI'm glad you chaps stopped me, cos I was going to report it anyway.
What action do you think you can take? Well, for a start, sir, we're going to ask you to blow into this.
Welcome home, lass! You'll be all right here! Sickening! It gets you right here.
Come off it, Wesley, before thee has to get married! I'm surprised you don't take it to bed and make Edie sleep in the shed.
He gets inventive ideas, your mate! I can vouch for that.
There's a bloke somewhere looking for a tiger! A tiger? You could look for tigers in THIS! You could extend the arm to the top and a bloke could see for miles! This could be just the job for me to get up taller trees in't greenwood.
I could pose all casual-like, leaning on me bow.
"Look," they'll say.
"He's a direct descendant of Robin Hood!" "Look," they'll say.
"Wasn't he in the stores department for Volvo?" That was before I went wild and free! And before the wife's sister started coming.
I'll need to borrow this.
Can she take the weight of a bloke in the bucket? No problem! Why don't we find out? Why don't you step into the bucket? Me? Well, you're the idiot with a thirst for adventure.
I am.
It's in the blood.
I was born for high endeavour! He laughs at danger.
I DO.
Mostly other people's.
It's not a bad idea! She needs testing.
Shouldn't we test it with NOBODY in it? If you don't mind a technical question.
It needs a person's weight, somebody about your weightif you don't mind a technical answer.
Let Wesley test it.
It's HIS bucket.
I have to drive the thing! Your safety will be in my hands.
Oh, lucky you, Billy(!) You'll be fine until his cap gets on fire.
It doesn't always get on fire! Right, in you get.
No No! NO! What happened to intrepid astronaut? I think his booster fell off.
You'll enjoy it.
It's like being at the fairground.
What's that mean? Dangerous.
He means dangerous.
He's only joking! As he'll be the first to admit when I kick him in the ankle! I've been known to go for days without me cap on fire.
- Well, just go steady.
- I'll go steady.
You don't think I'm going to risk my machine?! Just don't be risking MY machine! Mine's in better condition.
Are we ready in the bucket? Are we ready in the bucket? Are we ready in the bucket? Can you repeat the question? He's ready.
ENGINE ROARS SPLUTTERING WHOA! Whoa! Whoa! WHOA-A! Mothe-e-e-er! THUD! What is it? You lucky devil.
I think it's just your size.
What's my size? Take your coat off.
Me coat off? Is this getting too complicated for you?! You must have been born under a lucky star.
What is it? It's a very exclusive blazer, as worn by the aristocracy.
Here, try it on.
It's a bit loud.
It makes a statement.
Yeah, and that statement is, it doesn't fit.
It's too short! Oh, blame the blazer! I suppose it never occurred to you that you could be too long.
You want my opinion? It's spot on! It's you.
Look at it! Well, that's how this garment was styled.
It's a gentleman's garment.
Look at the sleeves! That allows you to show some cuff.
I can nearly show me elbows! Take it off if you're going to be miserable! You've missed a bargain! You could have had it at staff discount.
Your staff can never afford a staff discount! Hey up, Barry! I didn't recognise thee in the overalls.
Do I look as if I was born in them? Well, maybe adopted.
Don't be modest.
You've invented the executive look for overalls.
Love the knife-like creases, Barry.
Thank you.
I think people could do more with overalls.
You only get them in self-colours.
I bet a tasteful pinstripe would sell.
ROARING What is it? Your father-in-law's telescopic bucket, Barry.
Wow! I thought dinosaurs were living in my father-in-law's shed! That should do it now.
Hello, Barry! It IS Barry, isn't it? I just thought I'd lend you a hand, Mr Pegden, although I don't suppose you need a volunteer.
Funny you should say that, Barry.
Not only gorgeous, but psychic! Can't not invite him to t'party when he's taken all this trouble to dress! You mean I can help? Remember that word "help", Barry.
It might come in useful.
Didn't she have a cast in her eye? She did at school.
Oh She was wildly inaccurate at hockey! She was no-one you wanted to sit next to in needlework! What happened to it? To what? That wandering eye.
Oh, probably went to somebody's husband(!) .
.
No, she had surgery.
Well, she looked good for somebody basically unattractive, considering how old she is.
Hey, she's OUR age! Oh, as young as that? Oh, I'm glad somebody's come in.
We've had no customers for an hour! I expect they're all hiding.
From what? The tiger.
There's supposed to be a tiger on the loose.
A tiger?! Who started that one? Edna Lambert met this little fella.
He told her he'd narrowly missed it in his car.
Is there a zoo in the area? Not to my knowledge.
Oh, unless you count that pub in Craddock Street.
Talk about a theme park! My Howard's out there somewhere.
Just about the right bite size for a tiger.
It's probably just a rumour.
Well, you know my Howard.
If there's anyone barmy enough to get savaged by a rumour, it's my Howard.
Yeow! Oh! Whoa-a-a! Ow! Ow-w-w! Not only a tiger - now a killer giraffe! Hey, tha did great, Barry.
It didn't FEEL great.
You stayed with it, lad.
You didn't desert your post.
I'd sooner be ironing.
Well, that's more like you, Barry.
Those overalls were built for ironing.
SHE READS SIGN ALOUD "Be safe from the tiger"?! What tiger? You haven't heard? Nobody tells me anything - except when to clean the windows.
There's a tiger wandering loose.
Round here?! Of course round here! It won't be much of a news item if it's wandering round Sri Lanka! Has anybody seen it? Of course! They've reported it to the police.
There's always something.
You buy fly spray and a mousetrap and you think you've got it covered.
What's this equipment? I'm glad you asked that.
Come in and have a look.
Well, I HAVE got women to protect.
And there's Pearl out on the street somewhere and You never know who else might be in distress.
I feel sick.
Well, you WILL feel sick if you ride around in buckets.
I told 'em! "When he comes down, he'll feel sick.
" We were worried about your overalls.
Don't go any greener, Barry - it'll clash with your overalls.
I used to get travel-sick, Barry.
Then I came up with this great cure.
You just stop travelling! I've stopped.
I've stopped.
Barry! Oh, Barry, you've been mauled by the tiger! What a blessing you were wearing overalls.
Absolutely no tigers.
He's just a little travel-sick.
Well, where's he been travelling? Oh, up and down.
Here and there.
I'll be better when me stomach comes.
I think I left it at your father's somewhere.
Hey, tha's started summat with that tiger rumour.
You think anybody's daft enough to believe in a tiger? Funny you should say that Hey up! It's a Mr Whippy! He'll need a better chair than that for a Yorkshire terrier! I think it's for Pearl.
I think he's finally decided to start training Pearl.
Have you seen my Pearl? I told you! Howard, it's too late for thee to start training Pearl.
This isn't for Pearl! This is for the tiger.
Hey, are you sure you wouldn't like to think about that, Howard? I know we have our ups and downs You think YOU'VE got up and downs? You should see Barry! But she IS my wife, and I'm damned if I'm having her mauled by a tiger.
Well, personally, I'd feel sorry for the tiger.
I don't want her mauling by ANYTHING! Howard, I'm impressed.
Not only fearless, but a loving husband.
I've always been a loving husband.
Just because occasionally you get entangled in a friendly way with other people doesn't mean you're not a loving husband.
I think that's sweet.
Sickly, even.
Give us a kiss, Howard(!) Has anybody seen this tiger? ALL: No.
Well, I hope they soon catch it.
That's if there's one to catch! Has anybody reliable seen it? By "reliable", you mean? Female.
Oh, I doubt it.
We don't have the same kind of eyesight.
It always amazes me how totally blind they are to cobwebs and smears on glass.
It's true.
I don't think they use their eyes! You can see MINE never does.
They rely on ours.
It's, "Have you seen me shirt?" and, "Where did I put that hammer"? I expect that's why wars go on so long.
They keep forgetting where they last saw the enemy.
Still, while there's a rumour about, I wouldn't go out without my Barry.
Do you think your Barry's a competent defence against tigers? It won't be asking for a mortgage! Barry's more muscly than you think! SPLUTTERING A neighbour once remarked on his powerful shoulders! What neighbour? She's since moved.
And not before time.
I don't believe there IS a tiger.
If there IS, it shouldn't worry anybody who has the nerve to wear that hat! My Barry's picking me up in the car, just in case.
It's as close to excitement as I'VE been for a while.
It's taken a lot of years before you could say THAT! Mmm! I don't think anything round here is a man-eater.
Well, I know one for a start.
What kind of man-eater? ALL: Drink your coffee! ALL: Ooh! The only tiger round here is Nora Batty! She's trying to drive me into wedlock.
You can't marry Nora.
You wouldn't last a week! Why has Tom gone white? No, she's trying to drive me into marrying my associate, Mrs Avery! I bet that's a relief.
What happened to Mr Avery? He very foolishly went and died.
I sometimes wonder if he did it on purpose.
She's coming on nicely now.
She's a much smoother bucket.
You could take her anywhere.
Howard, will you stop cracking that whip?! I want you safe in the house.
Howard! Back! Back! Good girlgood girl! Back! Howard! Back! I'll kill you when I get you inside.
I'm not coming inside.
I've got to make this street safe for womanhood.
WHICH womanhood, Howard? Back! Back! Why does anybody have to go in the bucket? Your father would have been in it like a flash.
Why? Up to Nora Batty's window, doing his little act.
He knew how to bring her into a good mood.
Your father was really brave.
I'll have to leave it on.
Oh, Howard! I think you're really brave.
Oh, I wouldn't say "really".
How many would come to escort a young lady with a whip and a chair? You don't think I'd let you walk into the jaws of a tiger?! Oh, Howard.
Sometimes I feel I'm already in the jaws of a tiger! Can I give you a hand, Howard? No! Don't get too close to me.
I have to be instantly prepared for unimaginable violence.
CAR HORN BEEPS CRASH! It's amazing.
Some twit starts a rumourand already we've had fifteen sightings.
I thought it were three.
That's nearly fifteen - in round figures.
Of course it is.
I forgot.
It's people.
They have this vivid imagination.
I thought that was wives.
Wives are people! That's something else you forget.
But you wouldn't think people would believe that there was a man-eater in these sleepy hills.
Help! Hey, that was quick! I've only just finished dialling you!