South Park s22e10 Episode Script
Bike Parade
1 LES: I'm goin' down to South Park Gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation LES: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" LES: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! LES: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine [ALARM BEEPING.]
[GASPS.]
Yes! Yessss! What is it, Kyle? I got fulfilled! It's all the stuff I ordered for the bike parade.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Yeah? Kyle, did you get your stuff?! I got my stuff! Yeah, dude, Stan and Kenny got their stuff, too! Bring it all over to my house! We gotta get ready for the bike parade! Hey, were my boxes there, too? No, Dad.
These were special deliveries from Jeff Bezos.
We helped Amazon with their strike, and he had our orders shipped.
Jeff Bezos? The founder and CEO of Amazon? Yeah! We helped him find workers to work during the strike.
So he found our orders and had them sent to us.
Well, can he find my packages, too? WOMAN: No, I know.
They said the workers are still on strike.
They don't know when our orders will MAN: Alexa, can I have my stuff shipped - from a different fulfill - [FREQUENCY TUNING.]
MAN 2: No, that is a bad dog, Banjo! Bad dog! WOMAN 2: [MOANING.]
Oh, yes! Oh! Oh! O STEWART: Jeff Bezos?! Are you freakin' kidding me?! Why is Jeff Bezos sending you packages? Do you even care there's a strike going on?! Mrph rmhmhm rmhmhm.
Bike parade?! Your dad is part of the strike, you little shit! This whole town is suffering because of Amazon, and you're out worrying about a bike parade! I can't even believe you would say that, Sharon! Randy, it's time to face it.
Your weed-farm idea didn't work.
You barely sell to two people a day.
It's the stupid Amazon strike! I rely on things for marketing, Sharon.
A small business needs products for exposure, and until those assholes go back to work, small businesses are gonna suffer! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Ex-Excuse me.
Could I buy some weed? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Out early today, huh? Yeah, it's this stupid Amazon strike.
None of my orders are getting fulfilled, and I just need something to take the edge off.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Hey, are you selling weed? Uh, yeah.
My wife is going nuts not getting her packages.
I told her I'd find her some kush.
Yeah, the Amazon strike really sucks.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
Hey, man, we're about to go spend a day in a picket line.
Can you sell us some weed? You're strikers? Well, why don't you guys get back to work so we can get our packages? Hey, [BLEEP.]
you, buddy! Okay, okay, hold on.
Uh, lemme get some more weed.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
[HORN HONKS.]
Huh.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- NEWS REPORTER: It's day five of the Amazon Fulfillment Center Strike.
Nothing has been resolved, and there is ever-mounting tension between the striking Amazon workers and the people who want their stuff.
Josh Carter is an Amazon employee who suffered a horrific workplace accident.
In order to drum up support for the strike, he's recently FedExed himself to Washington.
How are things going, Josh? JOSH THE BOX: They're going well, Tom.
Thank you.
You know, what happened to me could happen to any worker at a fulfillment center.
I'm speaking to Congress here and then heading back to Colorado tomorrow via UPS.
Meanwhile, Amazon says it's training new workers to replace the strikers.
However, because the workers previously worked in a mall, they've had no human contact for quite some time.
Welcome to the fulfillment center.
I'm your floor manager, Stephen Stotch.
[HISSING.]
- Rahghgh! - Sssss! Being a fulfiller isn't hard.
Uh, you just follow a few basic steps.
[HISSES.]
You start by getting an order on your fulfillment device.
Uh, it's order 6,503.
Mrs.
Sandy Milner wants a Luminart coffee grinder.
So, you send that order to the first available transaction robot.
[HISSES.]
Okay, the robot will locate the grinder and bring it to the packing area.
Arhghghgh! Arhghghgh! Now, put the coffee grinder in the box to fulfill the order.
[HISSES SOFTLY.]
Go on, put it in.
[HISSES.]
This isn't very fulfilling.
Sure it is.
You just gotta get into it, okay? That's one order down.
We have 12,400 more to go.
[HISSING.]
All right, there you go, friend.
That's an ounce of weed, and thanks for supportin' small business.
Next.
Hey, could you sell me more than an ounce? Sorry, friend.
That's the law.
Us simple farmin' folk respect the law and each other.
No, it's fine.
I'll just go over to the Anderson Weed Farm and buy more there.
Well, don't buy weed from them.
Their weed sucks.
It's a long way to drive out here.
Need to make it worth my while.
Shit! This whole Amazon strike has more people smoking weed than ever.
We have to make sure Tegridy Weed stays ahead of the competition! We need to find a way to get the weed to the people.
Yeah, like a like a delivery service.
Some way so people don't have to drive out here and even see the other weed farms! You know what they got? They got these e-scooters nowadays.
You mean the things that almost killed us all on Halloween? Yeah, I 'member.
What if we use e-scooters to get the weed directly to the customers? Holy shit.
We could have Tegridy all over town.
What the Stephen! Stephen, it's a miracle! I don't understand.
Look, Dad! A whole-new bicycle! I'll win the bike parade for sure! You must have gotten our Prime membership back! I guess I did.
The bigwigs promoted me to manager.
I've been training new employees.
[THROUGH HEADPHONES.]
When did all this stuff arrive? [FREQUENCY TUNING, STATIC.]
It just came a few hours ago.
Oh, Stephen, you did it! [THINKING.]
Your townspeople are beginning to learn that cooperation is rewarded by fulfillment.
Now there's only one true enemy who stands in our way.
Tonight, he is giving a talk on Marxist theory.
How is the common worker kept submissive? By the institutions and the ideology of the bourgeoisie.
We only ask for compassion, for a fair share of the fruits of our labors.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, it's this Saturday.
Everyone's gonna watch.
You girls should come check it out.
Yeah, it's gonna be a pretty nice bike parade, I suppose.
Hey, Larry! You gettin' excited for the bike parade? Yeah, I guess I'm lookin' forward to it, I dunno.
Wow.
I guess my bike could be in the bike parade.
I-I hadn't really thought about it.
Uh, y-you girls check out the flags on the back of my bike? They're They're silk.
Oh, yeah.
[FEATHERS RUSTLE.]
I'll see you there, Larry.
Later, girls.
- [FEATHERS RUSTLE.]
- [BICYCLE HORN HONKS.]
Hmph.
[FEATHERS RUSTLING, BICYCLE HORN HONKING.]
Yippieeeeeee! [E-SCOOTER WHIRS.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Amazon boxes?! It might be! Yes?! Oh.
Hello, sir.
I have your weed delivery.
My what? Oh, that's mine.
There you are, ma'am.
Enjoy your Tegridy.
You got a? Are Are we splitting that? Get your own.
Do you have more? We're here to please the customer! [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Dude, we did it.
They look amazing.
CARTMAN: There's no way we can't win, you guys.
We are going to kill at the bike parade.
We finally did it.
We worked together, we overcame adversity, and everything is finally gonna be cool again.
All right, Kenny's here.
Come on, dude, we're gonna take 'em for a test spin.
Mrph rmhmhm.
Mrph rmh rmphm.
You're not gonna do the bike parade? Why not?! Mrph rmhmhm, mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm.
Commodity fetishism? Mrph rmh rmphm.
Kenny, you can't quit now! We have a four-bike theme! Yeah, how do we do the changing face of immigrants in America without the Philippines?! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmh.
Kenny, no, you can't do this! We've worked so hard, and we've come so close Oh, my God! [PANTING.]
Oh, my God! My anxiety! My anxiety is going off, you guys! Come on, Kenny, don't be a dick.
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmh rmphm mrph! [PANTING.]
Oh, my God.
We did so much! We went through all this, and he just quits?! That's it! That's it! I'm gonna shoot up the school! - Don't shoot up the school.
- No, 'cause it's not fair! You work your ass off for nothing, and now my anxiety's back, and I'm gonna shoot up the schoooooool! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Here come the temp workers! Scabs! ALL: [CHANTING.]
Scabs! Scabs! - Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! - [TEMP WORKERS HISSING.]
[GRUNTING, HISSING.]
Yeah, it's not always easy being a fulfiller, but I think, eventually, you'll find it's a rewarding job.
I don't really care.
I just want my stuff.
If I have to work at Amazon to get my packages, then so be it.
Stotch! Hey, Stotch! What do you want, Stewart? I just thought you'd want to know the kind of people you're selling out for.
What are you talking about? It's Josh, man.
He's gone missing.
[SPRAY PAINT HISSES.]
How's it going? How's it look like it's going? There's no way we're gonna win this stupid bike parade.
Our bikes aren't so bad.
Face it, Stan! Our bikes suck! We're gonna lose! We're gonna be the laughingstock of the whole thing! Kyle's right.
I already bragged to everyone we were gonna beat them like bitches at the bike parade.
We're gonna look like total douchebags.
I thought the four of us were unstoppable.
We are, it's just Kenny [BLEEP.]
us again.
I wish there never was a bike parade.
Yeah.
Hey What if there wasn't? What? What if the bike parade got canceled? We're never gonna win the bike parade, but if we get it canceled, then everybody loses.
How do we get the bike parade canceled? How do you get anything cancelled? You bitch about it being insensitive! Hey, yeah.
We can go to the mayor and force her to cancel it.
What's offensive about a bike parade? What's offensive about a bike parade? Kyle, you small-minded piece of shit.
We should cancel you just for saying that.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah! ALL: Yeah! Everybody loses, you guys.
[THINKING.]
Do you know who I am? JOSH THE BOX: Yeah.
You're Jeff Bezos.
And you are Josh, former Amazon employee who suffered a workplace accident.
You were wrongly packaged into a box, and now, if any one tries to open it, your insides will burst apart.
So, you seek revenge.
This isn't about revenge, Bezos.
It's about the production of too many useful things resulting in too many useless people.
See how the box ridicules commercialism in order to try and feel better about itself.
Damn you! You made everything nice and convenient, didn't you, Bezos? But humans are more than consumers.
That's very eloquent for a box a box that is the last thing standing in the way of real economic progress for this town.
What are you gonna do to me? I'm not going to do anything to you.
Alexa, go ahead.
Send them in.
[KIDS TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hello, children.
Uncle Jeff has a surprise for you! Who wants a special present for the bike parade? KIDS: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! JOSH THE BOX: Oh, my God.
Whoever opens the box gets what's inside.
No! No, don't give in to your consumerism, kids! [SCREAMS.]
It's mine! It's mine! I got it! I get it! [CHUCKLES.]
Every year, I win the bike parade.
It's the one thing I care about.
Now, there's kids out there who have better bikes than me because you won't get off your ass and work, Dad! Larry, I want to! But I'd be a no-good traitor.
Can't you understand?! All I understand is that you suck! Where are you going? Son's right.
Picket line or not, I'm gonna cross it right now! Hello, sir.
I have your weed delivery.
Oh, my weed.
Forgot I ordered that.
Oh, hey, listen, we have an app now.
You can keep track of your orders and get your Tegridy delivered even faster.
Oop.
There's an order now.
The first thing we've got to do to get the bike parade cancelled is raise awareness.
Yeah.
We're gonna need poster boards, markers, and lots of glitter and glue.
I can't believe Kenny bailed on us just because he thinks Jeff Bezos is a bad guy.
Yeah.
How can somebody who gives you whatever you want be a bad guy? It's locked.
They're closed.
We're all closed.
Our coffee shop everything.
But we're outraged about something.
We need glitter and glue.
Yeah, well, when the Amazon fulfillment center opened, everything else went out of business.
MAYOR: I let it happen.
I thought the fulfillment center would be nothing but great for the town.
Instead, it's It's buried us.
But it's Christmas.
It's Christmas, and we've no presents no decorations, and there's no one who can help us.
[SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE.]
Look! SANTA: Ho ho ho ho! It's Santa! [CHEERING.]
WOMAN: It's a miracle! I heard some people here might need a little Christmas magic.
We sure do, Santa! It's only a couple weeks until Christmas, and we don't have any presents! Well, that's no problem for the hometown of my favorite holiday poo! Where is Mr.
Hankey? Where is that old bundle of Christmas cheer? We We had to get rid of Mr.
Hankey.
Got rid of him? Uh, Mr.
Hankey did something bad, and we were forced to make him leave.
Forever.
Jesus.
What'd he do? [BLEEP.]
a kid? No, he He tweeted some inappropriate things.
He tweeted some inappropriate things? Oh, you bunch of [BLEEP.]
I'm getting back in my sleigh now.
No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Please! Merry Christmas! Have fun sucking Jeff Bezos' dick, you bunch a cunts! Christ the savior is born DEEJAY: Continuing with non-stop holiday music.
Here's a song from that hot new group, The PC babies.
It's a song about how the idea of Mrs.
Claus perpetuates female stereotypes.
It's called "Jingle All the Waggghgh.
" [A CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYS WITH BABIES CRYING.]
Hey, Dad listen I don't need anything more.
I mean, if I don't win that bike parade, I don't care.
I have you guys, and that's more important than a bike parade will ever be.
No it isn't, Butters.
I want to quit working for Amazon.
I want to join my friends in striking, but I know that you have to have your stuff to be happy.
No, I don't dad.
You need your Amazon Prime shows and your music and your books and your things delivered to your door, like little presents to yourself that make you feel satisfied.
I can live without those things, but you can't.
That's why I'm gonna continue to work at Amazon for you.
Hello, sir.
I'm with the Tegridy Weed Company.
We're just making sure folks are aware of our new rewards program.
What? We now have three levels of membership for our weed.
There's Tegridy, Tegridy Plus, and Tegridy Elite.
But you don't want to be elite, 'cause elite's got no Tegridy.
It's just such bullcrap, you guys.
Such bullcrap.
How come everything out there is getting cancelled, but when it comes to us, we just can't do it? I mean, are we supposed to just keep going? Just go on, making total asses of ourselves? No.
No.
The problem is that, when it comes to outrage, your average person actually doesn't give a shit unless it has something to do with them.
That's right.
We've been selfish.
We can't get the parade cancelled for us.
We have to do it for all the other people who want it cancelled, but their voices aren't being heard! Yeah.
What, did we think this was a [BLEEP.]
joke? The bike parade is offensive, and the government thinks they can just force it on everyone! Come on! I'm actually pissed off now! Mayor, We demand you cancel the bike parade! It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking! [THINKING.]
What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win? It's him.
The bike parade was quite useful to me.
You see, people will do anything to have fulfillment.
They finally realized the only way to get it would be to all work for the fulfillment center.
Who would use a bike parade like some $20 hooker? Kenny was right about you.
You're a bad guy.
Oh, you mean your little socialist friend? Yes, he's starting to rattle his sword, now, too.
Alexa, kill Kenny.
ALEXA: Okay.
I'll kill Kenny for you.
No! Why are you doing this? Don't you see I'm trying to help? Before, there was war between classes, customers and workers at odds.
All I've done is create the new class the consumer/worker.
The future.
Right now, your parents, your teachers, everyone you know are showing up to work at the fulfillment center, and I'm afraid you are all going to lose the bike parade.
RANDY: Bezos! Bezos! Bezos! CROWD: Bezos! Bezos! Hello, Bezos.
You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! You see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy.
Just look in the eyes of these people.
Everyone has Tegridy now Tegridy that you will never understand.
We aren't just different classes of people anymore.
We are a town.
[THINKING.]
Are you all high? ALL: No No Why do you ask that? JEFF BEZOS: Because I'm over here.
Oh.
Hang on Hold on.
Okay, I got it.
Anyways You see, Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations.
Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy.
I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy.
That's 'cause I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone.
And that's now everyone is in this state of Tegridy that's impenetrable.
Am I making sense? [THINKING.]
No! The point is, nobody's coming to work for you.
So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else! [CHEERING.]
[THINKING.]
Damn you, Tegridy! Ice cold beer, down-home Days Country music and bike parades We got Tegridy all around - Round - Round That's life livin' in our Colorado town [BABIES CRYING.]
I guess they are offensive.
We don't need nothin' from big corporations We don't need progress or fancy educations Maybe our Tegridy keeps us down - Down - Down But that's life livin' in our Colorado town Hey, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Sure are, Butters! Now, we gotta learn to live without boxes every day We might wake up tomorrow and wonder why they went away Guess you might call us a bunch of white trash hicks - Hicks - Hicks But at least we ain't suckin' no Bezosian Dicks Tegridy Weed.
Coming soon to a giant online retailer near you.
[GASPS.]
Yes! Yessss! What is it, Kyle? I got fulfilled! It's all the stuff I ordered for the bike parade.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Yeah? Kyle, did you get your stuff?! I got my stuff! Yeah, dude, Stan and Kenny got their stuff, too! Bring it all over to my house! We gotta get ready for the bike parade! Hey, were my boxes there, too? No, Dad.
These were special deliveries from Jeff Bezos.
We helped Amazon with their strike, and he had our orders shipped.
Jeff Bezos? The founder and CEO of Amazon? Yeah! We helped him find workers to work during the strike.
So he found our orders and had them sent to us.
Well, can he find my packages, too? WOMAN: No, I know.
They said the workers are still on strike.
They don't know when our orders will MAN: Alexa, can I have my stuff shipped - from a different fulfill - [FREQUENCY TUNING.]
MAN 2: No, that is a bad dog, Banjo! Bad dog! WOMAN 2: [MOANING.]
Oh, yes! Oh! Oh! O STEWART: Jeff Bezos?! Are you freakin' kidding me?! Why is Jeff Bezos sending you packages? Do you even care there's a strike going on?! Mrph rmhmhm rmhmhm.
Bike parade?! Your dad is part of the strike, you little shit! This whole town is suffering because of Amazon, and you're out worrying about a bike parade! I can't even believe you would say that, Sharon! Randy, it's time to face it.
Your weed-farm idea didn't work.
You barely sell to two people a day.
It's the stupid Amazon strike! I rely on things for marketing, Sharon.
A small business needs products for exposure, and until those assholes go back to work, small businesses are gonna suffer! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Ex-Excuse me.
Could I buy some weed? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Out early today, huh? Yeah, it's this stupid Amazon strike.
None of my orders are getting fulfilled, and I just need something to take the edge off.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Hey, are you selling weed? Uh, yeah.
My wife is going nuts not getting her packages.
I told her I'd find her some kush.
Yeah, the Amazon strike really sucks.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
Hey, man, we're about to go spend a day in a picket line.
Can you sell us some weed? You're strikers? Well, why don't you guys get back to work so we can get our packages? Hey, [BLEEP.]
you, buddy! Okay, okay, hold on.
Uh, lemme get some more weed.
[VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
[HORN HONKS.]
Huh.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- NEWS REPORTER: It's day five of the Amazon Fulfillment Center Strike.
Nothing has been resolved, and there is ever-mounting tension between the striking Amazon workers and the people who want their stuff.
Josh Carter is an Amazon employee who suffered a horrific workplace accident.
In order to drum up support for the strike, he's recently FedExed himself to Washington.
How are things going, Josh? JOSH THE BOX: They're going well, Tom.
Thank you.
You know, what happened to me could happen to any worker at a fulfillment center.
I'm speaking to Congress here and then heading back to Colorado tomorrow via UPS.
Meanwhile, Amazon says it's training new workers to replace the strikers.
However, because the workers previously worked in a mall, they've had no human contact for quite some time.
Welcome to the fulfillment center.
I'm your floor manager, Stephen Stotch.
[HISSING.]
- Rahghgh! - Sssss! Being a fulfiller isn't hard.
Uh, you just follow a few basic steps.
[HISSES.]
You start by getting an order on your fulfillment device.
Uh, it's order 6,503.
Mrs.
Sandy Milner wants a Luminart coffee grinder.
So, you send that order to the first available transaction robot.
[HISSES.]
Okay, the robot will locate the grinder and bring it to the packing area.
Arhghghgh! Arhghghgh! Now, put the coffee grinder in the box to fulfill the order.
[HISSES SOFTLY.]
Go on, put it in.
[HISSES.]
This isn't very fulfilling.
Sure it is.
You just gotta get into it, okay? That's one order down.
We have 12,400 more to go.
[HISSING.]
All right, there you go, friend.
That's an ounce of weed, and thanks for supportin' small business.
Next.
Hey, could you sell me more than an ounce? Sorry, friend.
That's the law.
Us simple farmin' folk respect the law and each other.
No, it's fine.
I'll just go over to the Anderson Weed Farm and buy more there.
Well, don't buy weed from them.
Their weed sucks.
It's a long way to drive out here.
Need to make it worth my while.
Shit! This whole Amazon strike has more people smoking weed than ever.
We have to make sure Tegridy Weed stays ahead of the competition! We need to find a way to get the weed to the people.
Yeah, like a like a delivery service.
Some way so people don't have to drive out here and even see the other weed farms! You know what they got? They got these e-scooters nowadays.
You mean the things that almost killed us all on Halloween? Yeah, I 'member.
What if we use e-scooters to get the weed directly to the customers? Holy shit.
We could have Tegridy all over town.
What the Stephen! Stephen, it's a miracle! I don't understand.
Look, Dad! A whole-new bicycle! I'll win the bike parade for sure! You must have gotten our Prime membership back! I guess I did.
The bigwigs promoted me to manager.
I've been training new employees.
[THROUGH HEADPHONES.]
When did all this stuff arrive? [FREQUENCY TUNING, STATIC.]
It just came a few hours ago.
Oh, Stephen, you did it! [THINKING.]
Your townspeople are beginning to learn that cooperation is rewarded by fulfillment.
Now there's only one true enemy who stands in our way.
Tonight, he is giving a talk on Marxist theory.
How is the common worker kept submissive? By the institutions and the ideology of the bourgeoisie.
We only ask for compassion, for a fair share of the fruits of our labors.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, it's this Saturday.
Everyone's gonna watch.
You girls should come check it out.
Yeah, it's gonna be a pretty nice bike parade, I suppose.
Hey, Larry! You gettin' excited for the bike parade? Yeah, I guess I'm lookin' forward to it, I dunno.
Wow.
I guess my bike could be in the bike parade.
I-I hadn't really thought about it.
Uh, y-you girls check out the flags on the back of my bike? They're They're silk.
Oh, yeah.
[FEATHERS RUSTLE.]
I'll see you there, Larry.
Later, girls.
- [FEATHERS RUSTLE.]
- [BICYCLE HORN HONKS.]
Hmph.
[FEATHERS RUSTLING, BICYCLE HORN HONKING.]
Yippieeeeeee! [E-SCOOTER WHIRS.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Amazon boxes?! It might be! Yes?! Oh.
Hello, sir.
I have your weed delivery.
My what? Oh, that's mine.
There you are, ma'am.
Enjoy your Tegridy.
You got a? Are Are we splitting that? Get your own.
Do you have more? We're here to please the customer! [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Dude, we did it.
They look amazing.
CARTMAN: There's no way we can't win, you guys.
We are going to kill at the bike parade.
We finally did it.
We worked together, we overcame adversity, and everything is finally gonna be cool again.
All right, Kenny's here.
Come on, dude, we're gonna take 'em for a test spin.
Mrph rmhmhm.
Mrph rmh rmphm.
You're not gonna do the bike parade? Why not?! Mrph rmhmhm, mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm.
Commodity fetishism? Mrph rmh rmphm.
Kenny, you can't quit now! We have a four-bike theme! Yeah, how do we do the changing face of immigrants in America without the Philippines?! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmh.
Kenny, no, you can't do this! We've worked so hard, and we've come so close Oh, my God! [PANTING.]
Oh, my God! My anxiety! My anxiety is going off, you guys! Come on, Kenny, don't be a dick.
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmh rmphm mrph! [PANTING.]
Oh, my God.
We did so much! We went through all this, and he just quits?! That's it! That's it! I'm gonna shoot up the school! - Don't shoot up the school.
- No, 'cause it's not fair! You work your ass off for nothing, and now my anxiety's back, and I'm gonna shoot up the schoooooool! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Here come the temp workers! Scabs! ALL: [CHANTING.]
Scabs! Scabs! - Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! - [TEMP WORKERS HISSING.]
[GRUNTING, HISSING.]
Yeah, it's not always easy being a fulfiller, but I think, eventually, you'll find it's a rewarding job.
I don't really care.
I just want my stuff.
If I have to work at Amazon to get my packages, then so be it.
Stotch! Hey, Stotch! What do you want, Stewart? I just thought you'd want to know the kind of people you're selling out for.
What are you talking about? It's Josh, man.
He's gone missing.
[SPRAY PAINT HISSES.]
How's it going? How's it look like it's going? There's no way we're gonna win this stupid bike parade.
Our bikes aren't so bad.
Face it, Stan! Our bikes suck! We're gonna lose! We're gonna be the laughingstock of the whole thing! Kyle's right.
I already bragged to everyone we were gonna beat them like bitches at the bike parade.
We're gonna look like total douchebags.
I thought the four of us were unstoppable.
We are, it's just Kenny [BLEEP.]
us again.
I wish there never was a bike parade.
Yeah.
Hey What if there wasn't? What? What if the bike parade got canceled? We're never gonna win the bike parade, but if we get it canceled, then everybody loses.
How do we get the bike parade canceled? How do you get anything cancelled? You bitch about it being insensitive! Hey, yeah.
We can go to the mayor and force her to cancel it.
What's offensive about a bike parade? What's offensive about a bike parade? Kyle, you small-minded piece of shit.
We should cancel you just for saying that.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah! ALL: Yeah! Everybody loses, you guys.
[THINKING.]
Do you know who I am? JOSH THE BOX: Yeah.
You're Jeff Bezos.
And you are Josh, former Amazon employee who suffered a workplace accident.
You were wrongly packaged into a box, and now, if any one tries to open it, your insides will burst apart.
So, you seek revenge.
This isn't about revenge, Bezos.
It's about the production of too many useful things resulting in too many useless people.
See how the box ridicules commercialism in order to try and feel better about itself.
Damn you! You made everything nice and convenient, didn't you, Bezos? But humans are more than consumers.
That's very eloquent for a box a box that is the last thing standing in the way of real economic progress for this town.
What are you gonna do to me? I'm not going to do anything to you.
Alexa, go ahead.
Send them in.
[KIDS TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hello, children.
Uncle Jeff has a surprise for you! Who wants a special present for the bike parade? KIDS: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! JOSH THE BOX: Oh, my God.
Whoever opens the box gets what's inside.
No! No, don't give in to your consumerism, kids! [SCREAMS.]
It's mine! It's mine! I got it! I get it! [CHUCKLES.]
Every year, I win the bike parade.
It's the one thing I care about.
Now, there's kids out there who have better bikes than me because you won't get off your ass and work, Dad! Larry, I want to! But I'd be a no-good traitor.
Can't you understand?! All I understand is that you suck! Where are you going? Son's right.
Picket line or not, I'm gonna cross it right now! Hello, sir.
I have your weed delivery.
Oh, my weed.
Forgot I ordered that.
Oh, hey, listen, we have an app now.
You can keep track of your orders and get your Tegridy delivered even faster.
Oop.
There's an order now.
The first thing we've got to do to get the bike parade cancelled is raise awareness.
Yeah.
We're gonna need poster boards, markers, and lots of glitter and glue.
I can't believe Kenny bailed on us just because he thinks Jeff Bezos is a bad guy.
Yeah.
How can somebody who gives you whatever you want be a bad guy? It's locked.
They're closed.
We're all closed.
Our coffee shop everything.
But we're outraged about something.
We need glitter and glue.
Yeah, well, when the Amazon fulfillment center opened, everything else went out of business.
MAYOR: I let it happen.
I thought the fulfillment center would be nothing but great for the town.
Instead, it's It's buried us.
But it's Christmas.
It's Christmas, and we've no presents no decorations, and there's no one who can help us.
[SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE.]
Look! SANTA: Ho ho ho ho! It's Santa! [CHEERING.]
WOMAN: It's a miracle! I heard some people here might need a little Christmas magic.
We sure do, Santa! It's only a couple weeks until Christmas, and we don't have any presents! Well, that's no problem for the hometown of my favorite holiday poo! Where is Mr.
Hankey? Where is that old bundle of Christmas cheer? We We had to get rid of Mr.
Hankey.
Got rid of him? Uh, Mr.
Hankey did something bad, and we were forced to make him leave.
Forever.
Jesus.
What'd he do? [BLEEP.]
a kid? No, he He tweeted some inappropriate things.
He tweeted some inappropriate things? Oh, you bunch of [BLEEP.]
I'm getting back in my sleigh now.
No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Please! Merry Christmas! Have fun sucking Jeff Bezos' dick, you bunch a cunts! Christ the savior is born DEEJAY: Continuing with non-stop holiday music.
Here's a song from that hot new group, The PC babies.
It's a song about how the idea of Mrs.
Claus perpetuates female stereotypes.
It's called "Jingle All the Waggghgh.
" [A CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYS WITH BABIES CRYING.]
Hey, Dad listen I don't need anything more.
I mean, if I don't win that bike parade, I don't care.
I have you guys, and that's more important than a bike parade will ever be.
No it isn't, Butters.
I want to quit working for Amazon.
I want to join my friends in striking, but I know that you have to have your stuff to be happy.
No, I don't dad.
You need your Amazon Prime shows and your music and your books and your things delivered to your door, like little presents to yourself that make you feel satisfied.
I can live without those things, but you can't.
That's why I'm gonna continue to work at Amazon for you.
Hello, sir.
I'm with the Tegridy Weed Company.
We're just making sure folks are aware of our new rewards program.
What? We now have three levels of membership for our weed.
There's Tegridy, Tegridy Plus, and Tegridy Elite.
But you don't want to be elite, 'cause elite's got no Tegridy.
It's just such bullcrap, you guys.
Such bullcrap.
How come everything out there is getting cancelled, but when it comes to us, we just can't do it? I mean, are we supposed to just keep going? Just go on, making total asses of ourselves? No.
No.
The problem is that, when it comes to outrage, your average person actually doesn't give a shit unless it has something to do with them.
That's right.
We've been selfish.
We can't get the parade cancelled for us.
We have to do it for all the other people who want it cancelled, but their voices aren't being heard! Yeah.
What, did we think this was a [BLEEP.]
joke? The bike parade is offensive, and the government thinks they can just force it on everyone! Come on! I'm actually pissed off now! Mayor, We demand you cancel the bike parade! It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking! [THINKING.]
What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win? It's him.
The bike parade was quite useful to me.
You see, people will do anything to have fulfillment.
They finally realized the only way to get it would be to all work for the fulfillment center.
Who would use a bike parade like some $20 hooker? Kenny was right about you.
You're a bad guy.
Oh, you mean your little socialist friend? Yes, he's starting to rattle his sword, now, too.
Alexa, kill Kenny.
ALEXA: Okay.
I'll kill Kenny for you.
No! Why are you doing this? Don't you see I'm trying to help? Before, there was war between classes, customers and workers at odds.
All I've done is create the new class the consumer/worker.
The future.
Right now, your parents, your teachers, everyone you know are showing up to work at the fulfillment center, and I'm afraid you are all going to lose the bike parade.
RANDY: Bezos! Bezos! Bezos! CROWD: Bezos! Bezos! Hello, Bezos.
You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! You see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy.
Just look in the eyes of these people.
Everyone has Tegridy now Tegridy that you will never understand.
We aren't just different classes of people anymore.
We are a town.
[THINKING.]
Are you all high? ALL: No No Why do you ask that? JEFF BEZOS: Because I'm over here.
Oh.
Hang on Hold on.
Okay, I got it.
Anyways You see, Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations.
Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy.
I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy.
That's 'cause I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone.
And that's now everyone is in this state of Tegridy that's impenetrable.
Am I making sense? [THINKING.]
No! The point is, nobody's coming to work for you.
So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else! [CHEERING.]
[THINKING.]
Damn you, Tegridy! Ice cold beer, down-home Days Country music and bike parades We got Tegridy all around - Round - Round That's life livin' in our Colorado town [BABIES CRYING.]
I guess they are offensive.
We don't need nothin' from big corporations We don't need progress or fancy educations Maybe our Tegridy keeps us down - Down - Down But that's life livin' in our Colorado town Hey, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Sure are, Butters! Now, we gotta learn to live without boxes every day We might wake up tomorrow and wonder why they went away Guess you might call us a bunch of white trash hicks - Hicks - Hicks But at least we ain't suckin' no Bezosian Dicks Tegridy Weed.
Coming soon to a giant online retailer near you.