Family Guy s23e00 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
All right, now remember, we're trash,
so no dressing rooms for us.
The Griffins are proud
middle-of-the-aisle try-on people.
Take a look, I don't care.
Brian, I found our costume!
We're gonna be Sonny and Cher!
And either one of us could
be Cher, I don't care
I guess I'll be Cher.
How do you know I
don't already have plans
- for Halloween?
- You do have plans.
You're dressing as Sonny and
trick-or-treating with me.
If you come near me,
- you're saying you're okay with getting hit!
- [BOTH GASP]
Yeah, everybody has a plan
until they see the husky kid
in the Halloween store
going absolutely nuts
with nunchucks!
[YELLS]
This pumpkin's huge!
- How'd you get it so big?
- Giggity.
You guys promise not to laugh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
I wished for it.
[LAUGHING]
I knew you guys would laugh,
but I also tended to it for months.
My only question is, why?
Every year, I enter Quahog's
Great Pumpkin Halloween Contest
and get creamed by that
dang Patrick McCloskey.
Guy's got the best soil in town.
He's over there on the east side.
You know what that means.
I think you know we don't.
Closer to the coast, more moisture.
Should really be two contests,
one for each side of town.
I think one's the right
amount of contests.
Patrick McCloskey?
Why do I know that name?
Wait, weren't there weird
rumors about him and Bonnie?
No, it's just the pumpkin thing.
We are going to be such a thing
at trick-or-treating.
I'd honestly be Sonny
if I wasn't exactly Cher's size.
I'm going to take this costume off.
Not yet, it's time for choreo!
That's choreography. Did you know that?
Stewie, I can't just
spend all day doing
So it's rock left, rock right,
right elbow into chest, half-air bump,
left elbow into chest, half-air bump.
Say it with me.
[TOGETHER] Rock left, rock right,
right elbow into chest, half-air bump.
You're off tempo.
- Rock left, rock right
- Left right
- right elbow into chest, half-air bump.
- Chest half
- Bump.
- You're off tempo, again.
I'm starting to think you
don't really want this.
I don't want this.
Brian, do you know how
many Puerto Rican men
came here in giant
sweatpants to audition for me?
You're taking this too far.
I'm not getting bossed around
by you for the next two days.
Well, now you know how
Cher felt about Sonny.
[SIGHS] I knew it was
just a matter of time
until we became the two of them.
You look ridiculous, by the way.
How dare you?
Rupert thinks I look amazing.
Well, great. Rupert can
be Sonny because I'm done.
I'm not taking you trick-or-treating.
I'm going to hang out with my friends.
Oh, your "friends," huh? Name one.
- Shut up.
- Oh, yeah, "Shut Up," great guy.
I hate you!
God, Brian's such a jerk.
"Have Rupert be Sonny."
You know what? Maybe I will.
And here's your stupid
very-real-feeling mustache back.
Where do you even get
something like this?
Don't worry about where I got it.
[TOM] Hello?
Where am I?
Is anybody there?
[SCREAMING] No!
You guys are big fact guys, right?
I read Native Americans used
every part of the pumpkin.
It provided many gifts.
Clothing, soap, tools.
Pumpkins were even honored as relatives
and paid tribute to through songs,
dance, and prayers.
I am 100% sure it's the buffalo
to which you are referring.
Let's see how the little guy's doing.
A dark-eyed junco?
That's a pumpkin death sentence!
Scram, scram!
Get out of there! Bonnie?
[OVER INTERCOM] You out
there? Get the broom!
What were we talking about? Pumpkins?
Shut up about the pumpkin!
I might give Bon a quick call.
Make sure she knows she's on bird duty.
I apologize for my outburst.
It's something I'm working on.
No apology necessary.
I've had about all I can
take of this stupid pumpkin.
Hey, what if we hid Joe's pumpkin
before it gets picked up for
the fair tomorrow morning?
- I'm way in.
- Great idea, Peter.
It's just a standard plan of attack.
Something I picked up when
I served at Fort Bragg.
I once hit three homers
in a wiffle ball game.
Why are you telling me this?
Fort Bragg.
You're going to the war tomorrow.
- Where is it?
- Afghanistan.
I've been there, like,
four times, no big deal.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
All right, Rupert, prepare
to be brought to life
to be my Sonny for Halloween.
Oop, almost forgot.
And finally, this
metal-studded dog collar
to conduct electricity,
and not because it's my biggest kink.
[MEG] Did the Internet just go out?
It won't be long!
[CHRIS] Yeah, it's out.
Guys, you can go, like, two
seconds without the Internet!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[CRACKLING INTENSIFIES]
It's not alive.
It's not alive!
[CHRIS] Internet's back for me.
[MEG] Me too. Reebok.com, baby!
[SIGHS]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
One, two, three!
[ALL GRUNTING]
- Where are we taking this?
- I don't know.
What? I thought you had a plan!
Yeah, the plan, which everyone loved,
was to hide the pumpkin.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Am I the only one who can make plans?
I have decision fatigue.
- [BOTH GASP]
Uh-oh. We wrecked Joe's pumpkin.
And my sneakers!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Cleveland, are you Are those Yeezys?
They're cheaper now.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Rupert?
Rupert?
Rupert, you awake?
Oh, good, you are.
Yes, it's about Brian.
He was so mean.
I can't believe he just
ditched me on Halloween.
He's my best friend, and
this is how he treats me.
I hate him.
Seriously, I wish he were dead.
I mean it, no takesies-backsies.
Good night, Rupert.
Rupert?
Rupert, you awake?
Oh, good, you're awake.
Good night.
[SNORES]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Dear Stewie, you've given me life,
and some would say I'm indebted to you.
Well, I don't know if all that's true,
but you've got me,
and, baby, I've got you.
[LAUGHING]
And now to fulfill your wish,
I must kill Brian.
But first, I must kill
this bag of Doritos.
[ANNOUNCER] Family Guy. It was
either this or we fire three writers.
Step aside.
Now, let's remember,
it's just a pumpkin.
[GUN COCKS]
No, no, no! We can put it back together.
Are you telling me you can do
what the Humpty Dumpty crew couldn't?
I I never got to the end of that.
And you have no king's horses,
and they had all the King's horses.
I'm not sure how much horses
can help fix a broken egg guy.
Yeah, good luck with those hooves.
[GROANS]
Well, I'm finished.
May as well give
McCloskey the trophy now.
You know, the damage is on the bottom.
We can just shovel the rest of
the goop back in and prop it up.
We can't just scoop 307 pounds
of pumpkin guts in there.
[HORN HONKING]
307 pounds is my exact weight.
This is crazy, but I
think I could slide in
through the hole in the bottom.
Then I could just sit
in there for a few hours,
and maybe you can still win the contest.
You'd do that for me?
I broke it. I'll fix it.
Plus, I want to beat McCloskey for you.
I heard about him and Bonnie.
I don't know what people are hearing.
It's just pumpkin stuff with us.
Welcome to the Quahog
Great Pumpkin Contest.
We're going to start today
with the pumpkin pie eating event.
Peter Griffin is our reigning champion.
Peter, come on up and
accept this Pie to the City.
[PETER] Joe, I need to
come out for a minute.
It's too risky, Peter.
The Pie to the City enables the bearer
to go to any establishment with pie
and get a free pie at any time.
Sorry, bud. We'll get you pie later.
- [ENGINE REVVING]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
[SPITS]
- Who is that?
- Who was that?
That's the king.
That's McCloskey.
He's allowed to just park on the grass?
They'll ask him to move.
That's what they did last year.
Stewie thinks I have no friends.
Then what are all these?
Hello, Brian.
Enjoy your last call.
[RINGING]
Hello?
Sanfo, what do we got going
on for All Hallows' Eve?
Hang sesh?
Who is this?
Bri-guy, from the line.
What line?
"What line," he says.
Top Gun: Maverick.
Uh, dude, that was,
like, three years ago.
Ha! What're we gettin' into
tonight, you ol' bull shark?
I don't know, man.
I might go to the Quahog
Cemetery outdoor movie.
Love it. Should we get the Dime
Boys involved is the question?
Hey, while I got ya,
let me show you my yard.
So much potench.
Ugh. "Potench."
Now I want to kill him twice.
Look at him.
He's so cool.
[PETER] I want to see him so bad.
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Look who it is, "Second Place" Swanson.
That nickname doesn't make sense
because one year I was sixth place.
Feel stupid now, McCloskey?
Let me get a closer
look at your pumpkin.
Could barely see it from over there.
[PETER] Ha, classic McCloskey.
- What was that?
- What?
All I hear are whispers
from all the pumpkin bloggers
saying McCloskey's reign is over.
Good news. When your pumpkin loses,
you can still use it as a centerpiece
at Thanksgiving. [LAUGHS]
Provided you have a small enough table.
- [GRUNTS]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
It's not worth it. None of this is.
I wish I stayed home.
And this year's Quahog
Great Pumpkin winner is
[DRUM ROLL]
It's just pumpkin stuff, Joe.
Oh, good.
See, fellas? Pumpkin stuff.
Joe Swanson!
- Yeah! Mwah.
- Ugh!
Better luck next year, McCloskey.
What are they doing?
All the Pumpkin County
winners are entered
in the State Halloween
Contest in Providence.
Do you know anything about
regional pumpkin contests?
Oh, suck my bumpy gourd, McCloskey.
Your what?
My bumpy little orange,
green, and yellow
Gonzo-nose-shaped gourd.
Stop describing it.
[PETER] Are we driving?
I don't have a seat belt.
[KIDS] Trick-or-treat!
Weird. That kid looks
like your teddy bear.
Except he's holding a big knife
and has a present-day
Anthony Kiedis costume.
That's not present-day Anthony Kiedis.
That's Sonny Bono.
Oh, my God, it worked!
I made life! Yay!
Rupert, you're alive!
Thanks to you.
This is amazing! Oh, we
have so much to talk about.
But first, candy.
I can't wait to join you,
right after I find and kill Brian, babe.
- Wait, what?
- Remember? "I wish Brian were dead."
Oh, I was just angry for a second.
But forget all that. You're alive!
Let's trick-or-treat.
Of course.
Once I kill Brian.
Come on, Rupert. Don't be silly.
I'm not mad anymore.
Actually, I like being a solo act.
I got an Oscar and, like, 100
hot young boyfriends ahead of me.
Gonna do a fishnet dance
on an aircraft carrier,
remind our boys in white
what they're fightin' for.
Anyway, you don't have to kill him.
But you said, "No takesies-backsies."
Rupert, where did you go?
Oh, my God, I have to save Brian!
Mr. Herbert, you're trick-or-treating?
Oh, I use Halloween to take care of
a little yearly housekeeping.
[GIGGLING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Trick-or-treat!
I'm a registered sex offender.
Brian!
Brian!
Where could he be?
Hey, Cher!
Hey, guys!
I'm putting this on Instagram!
Well, this is a big hit.
I can't stop smiling.
Instagram! Of course!
Brian doesn't have the confidence
not to shove every sad little thing
he does down our throats.
Bingo!
He's going to watch an
'80s horror boob movie
at the cemetery.
"Gonna be cool to see them so big."
Hashtag big screen boobs.
"Waiting on my guy Sanfo
with the provisions."
Parenthetical, "All the
Jameson, please. LOL."
Ugh, what a mess.
[RUPERT] Shall we split a cab?
- [YELPS]
- It's nice he's at the cemetery.
Less clean up.
[PHONE DINGS]
God, that's awful.
Peter's been in that pumpkin all day.
We gotta find him and get him out.
It's going to take us hours
with all these pumpkins.
- Peter!
- [PETER] Yeah?
- Oh, wow.
- Can I come out?
I should be at work.
Yeah, let's get you out of there.
Well, well, well.
"Miracle-Grow" Joe.
McCloskey, what are you doing here?
I saved my wristband from last year.
They didn't change the color.
I didn't ask how you got in.
Well, something doesn't add up.
Last year, your pumpkin was 18 pounds.
And this year, it's 307?
Seems like a disproportionate step up.
But what do I know?
Just almost every
pumpkin thing there is.
Get lost, McCloskey.
Oh, ho-ho-ho! No, I'm sticking around.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
[PETER] Yeah, now I'm
kind of wondering myself.
[ANNOUNCER] Hello, hipsters
and newly-sober people
who ran out of seltzer flavors to try.
The movie will start soon.
Do you mind if I scoot
your blanket over a bit?
You're on my dad's grave,
and I'd like to leave these flowers.
I totally get it from your perspective,
but Sanfo should be here in uno momento,
and there's a chance
the Dime Boys may roll,
so, yeah, no.
Hello.
Do you mind if I sit?
Whoa, a kid dressed as a
bear dressed as Sonny Bono?
That's so weird.
Oh, how so?
Just I was supposed to go as that.
Well, why didn't you?
Maybe somebody was counting on you.
Oh, that's not him.
Sorry, bud. I'm sorta keeping
an eye out for my friends.
They'll probably need
help with the YETI.
It's the big one. Not
cheap, but heirloom quality.
You know, to have a friend,
you must first be a friend.
And you haven't been a
very good one, have you?
Hey, you got it, Sonny. Hey,
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
If you see three guys
dressed as Anchorman
scream-quoting Will Ferrell,
tell 'em this is the spot.
Oh, this is the spot, all right.
The spot to die.
[PETER CRYING]
We gotta get Peter out of there.
He's starting to lose it.
Something is off with this pumpkin.
Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me.
McCloskey said that to me
last year and now I say it.
I have to go to the bathroom
more than the pail in here!
- [JUDGES GASP]
- Mr. Swanson,
- what is going on here?
- [SIGHS]
I'm sorry.
- I've disgraced
- [MAN] I also have to go to the bathroom
more than the pail in here!
Who is that?
[TOGETHER] We all have
to go to the bathroom
more than the pail in here!
My wife made me volunteer for this job.
I'm not really sure what to do.
Maybe we just vote on the fattest guy?
This seems mean now.
How'd you know I was cheating?
The truth is
[SIGHS] there's no way
to win this contest clean.
No real pumpkin is ever over 20 pounds.
But yours always are.
My fat son sits in mine every year.
All these years, I
thought giant pumpkins
were just full of seeds.
Forget it, Joe.
It's Pumpkin Town.
[MOODY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
I gotta put some thought to this,
but I think I may be
in love with that guy.
Have you seen a dog with a bear
in a Sonny Bono costume?
[LAUGHS]
No, nothing like that.
Just a dog with a bear
in a present-day
Anthony Kiedis costume.
That's him! Which way did they go?
- [CHOKING]
- [GRUNTING]
Oh, God, I'm too late.
You're not too late!
But by the time I start helping,
don't you think it'll be too late?
Not at all. Help!
- [GROANS]
- [GRUNTS]
You should go.
I don't think you'll want
to see what happens next.
I command you not to kill Brian.
Dear, dear, Stewie, don't you see it?
You only animated me to life
when Brian said he wouldn't be Sonny.
You turn to me only
when Brian's mean to you.
I'm always second to him.
Well, that's not true.
Isn't it?
Do you know my name's not even Rupert?
It's Jerry.
Ugh, I've been hanging out with a Jerry?
But once Brian's gone,
I'll finally be first.
You're one and only best friend.
[YELLS]
[GRUNTS]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Say you'll leave Brian
alone, and I'll let you go.
[CHOKING] I can't do that.
In that case, you leave me no choice.
[GURGLING]
[SINGING, CRYING] If
I could turn back time ♪
If I could find a way ♪
I'd take back those
words that have hurt you ♪
And you'd stay ♪
[GRUNTS]
What's what's happening?
Oh, hey, man.
How much did you hear?
You brought your bear to
life and told him to kill me?
Damn, I was hoping you missed that.
Also, you chose me and saved my life.
[SIGHS] You're my best friend, Bri.
I'm really sorry I put you through this.
Eh, I was pretty selfish, too.
I should have made time
to take my best friend
trick-or-treating.
I'm your best friend?
You're pretty much my only friend.
What about Sanfo and the Dime Boys?
Honestly, I think Sanfo's
just using me for my sick yard.
Happy Halloween, Bri,
you total loon.
Happy Halloween, Stewie.
Man, that yard is going to be
the place to be this summer.
[STEWIE] Maybe this is the
summer I get back into croquet.
We do have the space.
[BRIAN] Yeah, lot of potench.
[STEWIE GROANS] Ugh.
Oh, I know what you want.
Here you go, sweetie.
Your fluffy little friend
is all dry and good as new.
[SNIFFS]
Well, you lost a little stank,
but that should come back in time.
Oh, my God, Rupert, you would
not believe what happened.
I animated you to life, and
then you decided to kill
Yes, to life! Me!
I did it, and then you decided
to kill Brian, because
No, we do not wish he was dead.
Not anymore, at least. And then
[CHUCKLES] What on
earth do they talk about?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]