Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s23e01 Episode Script

Can I use your phone? Do you have to ask? Of course you can use it.
DIALS NUMBER Hello.
Is that the dating agency? That's right.
It's me again.
How did you guess? .
.
Distinctive voice? That could be an asset.
Have you got that on my particulars? Have I had any replies? .
.
Still nothing.
Maybe we're aiming too high.
Have you looked through your ugly file? Oh, you tried the uglies first.
We're running out of options.
There's still things you can do.
Such as? You can pay me for that phone call.
Oh! Lots of greens when you look.
Lots of Smiths and Joneses.
It's gonna be one of those days, is it? I was thinking about death.
As long as you're not in a bad mood.
What brought it on was bumping into Freddy Ridley yesterday.
How is he? He says he's dying.
He's been saying that for 20 years.
Obviously the man's serious about it.
He's toying with the idea of sneaking away from Mrs Ridley.
I bet she wasn't there.
He wouldn't dare mention dying if she was.
You're not suggesting he can't die without her permission?! He never goes anywhere without her permission.
How does he look? Like somebody married to Mrs Ridley.
Poor lad.
Maybe he is dying.
He loved her, even at school.
Long before she became Mrs Ridley, she was a Doreen Phelps.
He used to stand with his mouth open in the playground watching her doing cartwheels.
Bet she's not done that for a while! The cartwheel queen of class three.
Never stood a chance, did he? No.
She'd got him roped and tied before he'd worn out his first pocket knife.
When Doreen tucked her frock into her knickers, that was her upside down for the rest of playtime! D'you know what's terrifying about life? It's the fact that from a carefree, long-limbed, playful Doreen Phelps could emerge a Mrs Ridley.
How could poor old Freddy ever spot that? Especially when he'd probably never seen her the right way up.
We think that butterflies go through strange transformations, but, wow! Mrs Ridley! You've got this frightening air of confidence, Howard.
A girl wonders if she'll be safe.
She will! We'll hear a vehicle coming for miles.
And what we do is this.
Any passing motorist who sees a bicycle in this position will just assume we're mending a puncture.
You're so resourceful in some directions, Howard.
It's just a gift.
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! How do, Howard! Sorry to see thee love life's sprung a leak again! Hello! It's overnight express! You don't pull a face like that without practice! It can't be from overwork.
That's not much of a load.
You should've seen it when I started.
I can't find my last delivery.
What are you looking for? If you must know, I'm looking for love.
Don't look at me.
I've devoted my life to idleness and pleasure.
And I hold his coat.
I'm fed up of a lonely bachelor existence.
It's no good telling us, Smiler! Save it for people who wear frocks.
I never meet any.
When do I ever meet anybody who wears frocks?! What you need is somebody who'll overlook all your faults.
You know, somebody really peculiar.
Don't give up hope, Smiler.
The world is full of really peculiar people.
How do, lads? You see? I told you.
Oh, Mr Truelove, you have experience of strange things.
At one time, yes, but I divorced it.
My Barry keeps going upside down.
My auntie had a budgie did that.
Did they find a reason? Yes.
It was dead.
Oh! You've got a great bedside manner(!) Come and see for yourselves.
You see? Upside down.
Yes.
It looked better with feathers.
How long has your husband been in the habit of going upside down? I don't know.
He only does it when he thinks I'm not there.
You could ask him why he keeps going upside down.
I daren't.
Suppose it's something fatal he's trying to shelter me from.
His legs are a good colour, not like the dead legs I used to see.
Barry, why were you upside down?! Why are you bringing people round to see me upside down?! What will I tell me mother?! Do you have to tell her? Don't you think she'll notice if you're upside down? I don't like interfering in people's marital problems.
Agreed.
Although I must admit, that's a new one.
You've got faces like sore feet! Have you considered taking your business somewhere else? Is there no good woman who could ease the loneliness of a still relatively young man? In your case, probably not.
YOUNG man?! I could dye me hair, do meself up a bit.
A LOT would be better.
Anyway, what's he depressed for? Depressed?! I'm too depressed to be depressed.
I passed depressed ages ago.
Me whole world's just been demolished.
You know my associate - Mrs Avery? Dotes on me, lives for me, can't get enough of me.
She's just thrown me out.
- You can take that out! - I can't.
They get nicked.
There's a bond grows between a man and his mount.
Why have you got ONE roller skate? Aren't they supposed to be a pair? Lean it up in that cornergently! And don't scratch me paintwork! They'll be coming in on motorcycles next! You'd think anybody with a face like that would have it surgically removed.
.
.
What's up with them? His world's collapsed and he wants something to ease his loneliness.
They need a pair of scooters.
What are you doing on a scooter?! I'm in training for a challenge.
Some big-gob down our street needs to learn who's numero uno at scooter handling.
Never liked the wife, either.
Her tongue can give you second-degree burns! Here.
Get that down you, lad.
Can I ask you somethingpersonal? Ask away, lad.
Did either of you ever have midlife crisis? They hadn't been invented then.
Besides, we couldn't afford them.
We had to make do with occasionally coming out in a rash.
At least there were no counsellors.
We just had ointment.
Do we gather that you're in the middle of a midlife crisis? I am.
I am.
It's terrible.
That's why I keep going upside down.
It's yoga.
I'm trying to gain control of me inner self.
You mean it's running round loose in there?! Should you be upside down if it is? I used to be steady and now I've got a head full of disturbing fantasies.
Are you ready for this? Ask him to bleep out the worst bits.
What kind of fantasies, lad? Me life feels slow.
I get these urges for life in the fast lane.
And yoga's supposed to stop this? They say it does.
If you concentrate, you can empty your mind.
Have you tried daytime television? And why does this concentrating have to be upside down? Oh, that's just one position.
There are dozens, but some are so alien to occidental legs, you could strain yourself mortally.
At least I can manage upside down.
You see some funny positions in the vice squad, but I've never heard a defence plea of yoga.
THEY PANT Who's feeling better? There's nothing like moving a bit nimbly, especially when you've eaten a hot chip.
How do you feel now? Terrible.
Hate it.
I don't know where Robin Hood found his merry men, but it wasn't here! Shop! Just a minute! It'll do thee good to have a bit of contact with un-depressed, normal human beings.
You call that normal?! You hear about these funny pubs.
Didn't used to be THIS funny! Is it some secret ceremony? Does it involve the sacrifice of a barmaid? It's Barry.
He's in midlife crisis.
I know the feeling.
And me.
Why is everybody depressed when we have our health and possibly even somebody who's about to buy a round? If it was money he was after, you can see why Robin Hood had to go to Nottingham.
Keep an eye on the lad if he's going funny.
I wouldn't say funny.
If he keeps going upside down, it's close enough.
There's probably a good explanation.
Always, but in my experience, it's usually a lie.
You call that not going funny?! It's not all that funny, Mother.
You won't find other grown-ups on scooters.
SHE MOUTHS CRASH! That's interesting.
A drive-through pub! Why do people keep bringing me this load of misery?! Look at them! Barry's in midlife crisis and he's lost his inner tube.
Inner SELF! I have this urge to live in the fast lane.
You've just been on a scooter! What's your excuse? What's wrong with you? I'm homeless.
I'll be living in an old garden shed.
Me father lived in an old garden shed.
He lived in a house! But the decor was old garden shed.
I think all this misery could've started with Smiler.
Maybe Smiler's become contagious.
Smiler, the authorities will have to class you as an notifiable disease.
My trouble is I'm fed up of living alone.
Could I make a suggestion? Not if it's from the fast lane.
Mr Simmonite's homeless and Smiler's fed up of living alone, so why don't they? I'd sooner have the old garden shed! I was thinking of a female moving in with me.
Tom could get you one of those.
Is he any good with the ladies? He's the number-one bird puller in the area.
Who was telling me that recently? Probably Tom.
It's just a gift.
Why don't you fetch your things, Tom? We'll have a bachelor pad - just the two of us.
You can bring your lady friends.
You realise it'd only be temporary.
Absolutely.
You'll have to go as soon as Mrs Right come along.
Well, that's two sorted.
What about him? At the risk of seeming to pry, which, of course, I am, what have you got your mind set on, Barry? I thought I was happy until I saw her.
I knew it! Oh, dear! Wanting two women is like wanting pneumonia twice! What's she like, this, er? I'll show you a picture.
They've got as far as swapping pictures! Look at that.
Look at them lines.
Isn't she beautiful? Oh.
She's a relief, is what she is! We thought she was a female.
She is a female.
You can't think she's a male with lines like that.
You're a good lad, Barry.
I'm not.
I'm being unfaithful to a great little car.
I've got this terrible urge for something faster.
I must get on.
I'm in training for this challenge match.
What match? To show some big-gob who's best man on a scooter.
Your wife's taken up scooting, has she? No.
Some other big-gob.
Is this what you're looking for? Barry? What's wrong with Barry? Midlife crisis.
He wants to live in the fast lane.
The Barry that's married to my Glenda?! Sounds like a fair description.
The newsflash is he's developing this lust for speed.
Our Barry?! We thought you might come up with something that'd put him off speed.
It's funny you should say that.
How about this? He's done that.
Not impressed.
He's not done this one.
This one's got a motor on it.
Is she fast? Don't ask me.
I've been waiting for some idiot to try it.
You've got one in the family! Could be just the thing.
How do I know you're any good at pulling the birds? How do I know you can cook? Don't spoil our relationship with this suspicious nature.
Well, I've only got your word for it.
You want a demonstration? First bird that comes round that corner.
Well, maybe the second bird that comes round that corner.
No.
No backing out now.
You said the first.
Let's see you in action.
Oh, you drive a hard bargain.
(All right!) I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you are Oh, Tom! Looks like you might not need your bicycle.
But you used to love this car.
That was the old me.
This car's too comfortable, safe, reliable.
I want the motoring equivalent of a wild stallion, muscle and danger.
But, Barry, I like the old you.
That's tough, kid.
You'll have to get used to the new me, the fast-lane me.
Oh, Barry! I knew things were going wrong when you wouldn't wear those new flannelette pyjamas.
ENGINE REVS D'you think it might be dangerous? Oh, aye, it might be dangerous.
Wesley's very calm in the face of danger.
I'm an engineer.
We're noted for it.
You're quite prepared to let your son-in-law test this machine? Sooner him than me.
Well, if he lives for speed If he lives! Wow! That Marina - she's dangerous.
More dangerous than this? You must be joking.
That's a pussycat! How would you like to road-test this pussycat? After what I've just gone through, no problem.
You've got one or two nice pieces.
Are you buying, or just admiring? Have you ever tried bringing your prices into line with reasonableness? I tried it when I was young and stupid.
I won't tell you what I tried when I was young and stupid.
I've heard.
Oh, really? Have you anything to take my Barry's mind off fast machines? I'm sorry, love.
I'm fresh out of other women.
Mind you, if demand picks up, I suppose I could arrange something.
I didn't know your Barry was one for fast machines.
I didn't either.
He's having a midlife crisis.
And all he's interested in is fast machines? Believe me, it could be a lot worse, love.
Have you ever thought of giving him a bit of competition? How would he feel if you suddenly became interested in speed? Why can't I do it? It's your turn in a minute.
Completely reckless, him! That's the way life's going to be from now on.
Now, Tom, make it look frightening and dangerous.
Put our Barry off.
What d'you mean, make it LOOK dangerous?! It IS dangerous! You caught me at a weak moment, when I was still giddy from no Marina.
Stop before you get to the stream.
I'd already decided that.
Is he gonna do it, or are we gonna be here all day?! Oh, listen to it! Any last wishes, Tom? Yes.
I wish Barry was doing it! I'll do it! Come 'ere.
He's only joking, Tom.
ENGINE STARTS Looks like fun, Barry.
I can't wait.
I know it's not easy to forecast, but is Tom going to go in the water? He'll stop before he gets there.
Oh.
He got that bit wrong, didn't he? Looks like it's time for the A Team.
I can't go out like this! Wear your helmet.
Who's gonna recognise you? She no longer looks like the average housewife.
You'll certainly get Barry's attention this time.
Do you think so, Auntie Roz? I'll stake my reputation on it.
Can't you do better than that?! He's gonna go through the stream and up the other side.
He's determined.
Not to mention crackers.
ENGINE REVS Glenda likes him in one piece.
I hope nothing's come off.
That should've cured him.
Cured me?! It's great! It's just the beginning.
If you don't get it right, you try again.
I'm gonna be Evil Knievel! Barry the Bold! I'll shall probably break every bone in me body! No, details, please! HORN HONKS Glenda?! I've come to join you, Barry.
You were right.
We'll have a life of speed together, both of us in the fast lane! You can't go about dressed like that! I work for a building society.
But what about speed, Barry? We'll do it indoors.
I'll buy a train set.
What were you doing with that Tom? I wasn't doing anything, except being friendly.
There's such a thing as TOO friendly.
He won't beat me next time, the big-gob.
He'll cheat if you take your eyes off him.
This man's ready for a pint.
Do I hear two? It's his legs.
You can't fill them.
Any time, Mr Hardcastle.
BBC Scotland - 2002