Family Guy s23e02 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy ♪
Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?
Eh, it was fine.
But we had a substitute bully
today and he was doing it wrong.
Okay, it says "tape sign on back."
Is that Is that your back, my back?
I-I got to be honest, I only
got called in 45 minutes ago.
[SIGHS] Just pinch my
nipples and get out of here.
We need you to sign
these permission slips.
We're taking a school
field trip to Washington DC.
Great, bring 'em here and
I'll give you my John Hancock.
- Who's that?
- I'm sorry, I mean my Lane Bryant.
Well, just say that, then.
Big day, gentlemen. It's the one
day a year Peter eats a salad.
Poor bastard. No one should
have to go through that hell.
He made a promise to Lois. It was
actually in their wedding vows.
All right, let's get this over with.
I brought the whitest-looking
lettuce from McDonald's I could find.
I'm hoping it has McNugget
smell accidentally on it.
I brought today's newspaper like
you asked so you'd have proof of salad.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Got it.
I love my wife. I love my wife.
I love my wife.
[GULPS, SIGHS]
[CHEERING]
And inside this local tavern,
a portly gentleman has just
consumed his annual salad.
I'm Garrison Keillor,
and I was "MeToo'd" for quaintly
groping, so now I'm doing this.
So, Chris, Meg, you guys excited
for your big trip to Washington DC?
Yeah. The cool kids are
bringing a candy-colored version
of whatever drug the media is
most freaking parents out about.
- What?
- Relax, Mom.
We're being supervised
by public school employees
who themselves are battling
their own crippling addictions.
Peter, are you hearing this?
I'm not. I'm chewing Cap'n
Crunch, I can't hear anything.
[LOUD CRUNCHING]
I just worry, but I
guess that's what moms do.
Well, that and give you a recap of
everyone who's died that you don't know.
You know, Leonard died.
- Who?
- Leonard.
- Okay.
- Estelle's pretty upset.
And right on the heels of Abner.
- Uh-huh.
- You should probably call Edith.
I'll give you Alfred's number.
Who the hell are these people?
Is this just an excuse
to say old people's names?
Vivian.
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Huh.
What's the matter? You look upset.
Eh, it's just, Joe's been pretty
stingy with his "ha ha's" over text.
I think you're probably
reading into that.
No, seriously. Cleveland sends
some lame crap and Joe "ha ha's" it.
I send a photo of me hanging a
foreclosure notice
over a toilet, nothing.
I'm telling you, he never
laughs at anything of mine.
He must have given
you one at some point.
I mean, sure, at some point.
Oh, my God. He's literally
never given me one.
Joe doesn't think I'm funny?
Oh, thank God you're here. You
know funny when you hear it.
Hey, Ostrich, did you hear that crazy
story about the monkey's favorite food?
It's bananas.
[OSTRICH] Hmm.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Hey, gang, I know you're not used
to seeing your teachers in shorts,
so let's get it all out of the way.
[STUDENTS GASP]
They're just legs,
guys. Oh, one more thing.
We do have a surprise
chaperone for this trip.
Everyone say hi to Chris
and Meg's mom, Lois Griffin.
Aah! Woot, woot!
Did somebody say "cool mom
with an Activia fanny pack"?
They give you a free one
if you send in enough lids.
I've got two fanny packs
and a very healthy colon.
[BOTH] Our chaperone is Mom?
You're lucky. My mother died
last year after a long illness.
You got your GoFundMe money, so shut up!
Mom, what the hell are you doing here?
Are you trying to kill our reputation?
Oh, relax, you two. I'm
gonna be the cool mom, huh?
I may even have the kids call me Mrs. G.
[LAUGHS] Mrs. G.
Can you imagine?
Just like Mrs. Garrett
from The Facts of Life.
Nobody knows who that is.
Come on. Tootie? Blair? Jo?
Bitch, what you talking about?
Just settle down, you guys. I
promise I won't embarrass you.
Okay, everyone, I've got candy.
Everybody reach in but just take one.
Fanny candy? Fanny candy? Fanny candy?
Oh, my God, this is terrible.
This is more embarrassing than when
I tried to return that RealDoll.
Uh, yes, hello, I would
like to return my RealDoll.
[WOMAN ON PHONE] Okay, and
what condition is the doll in?
Um, let's say "fair."
- Any visible marks?
- Some light choking.
We can't take the doll back
if there are choke marks.
Oh, no, no, no, the
choke marks are on me,
and in her defense,
I did have it coming.
Actually, I don't want
to return the RealDoll.
This is just part of the dance.
Oh, no. I didn't realize you
were there the whole time.
I hope I'm not in for
some light choking.
Why do you even care if Joe's
never laughed at your texts?
Brian, I know it seems like
I have it all, but even I,
a man with 15 Halloween masks,
have my struggles with insecurity.
So, what are you gonna do?
I decided to give him a
taste of his own medicine.
From this day forward, I will never
laugh at another one of Joe's texts.
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
[LAUGHS]
His-his mind just works in
a different way than mine.
Oh, no. Accidental
heart, accidental heart.
Quick, replace it with a "ha ha."
Phew, that was close. I was almost gay.
Huh. Peter just came out of the closet.
Uh, no he didn't.
[ANNOUNCER] The heart emoji:
Careful, straight dudes!
[SIGHS] Look at us.
Different generations
enjoying a fancy resort.
- Mom, don't, please.
- Quiet, Meg.
So, I saw a really funny
TikTok. Do you know that one?
You're gonna have to be
more specific. Which one?
Uh, there's-there's more than one?
Why is everyone leaving?
You're lame and we don't
want to be with you.
Come on, guys, let's go
watch CNBC in the lobby.
Yeah, I think I saw a bowl of bananas.
God, those kids are a nightmare.
They're just so mean.
Just be thankful this
isn't your entire life.
You get to go home at
the end of all of this
to a family and someone you love.
Oh, come on, I'm sure there's
someone special in your life.
You know, there was someone.
A long time ago.
It was 1993, and I was
folding clothes at a Structure.
Everyone was, back then.
Then I saw her.
Shelly Barnes.
Boy, was she something.
Tall, tan. She was more
scrunchie than woman.
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD]
We wanted the dream:
Our own Taco Bell franchise.
But then it happened,
the one thing you never want to hear.
Hey, John. I was just thinking.
What if we open a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut?
[RECORD SCRATCH]
[DISTORTED GROANING]
The psychic who told me to do this
never said anything about Pizza Hut.
I was young and bullheaded.
I had these ideas of
what fast food should be.
Worst part was, when I
told her the bad news,
she threw my retainer
right in the bushes.
I looked for a little bit, but
eventually I just said, "Eh, screw it."
Anyway, that one argument consumed us.
Never saw Shelly again.
I'm so sorry to hear all
that, Principal Shepherd.
[GROANS] Whew, what a day.
- I need a drink.
- Jack on the rocks?
No, in the toilet, but
I'll have that drink now.
Hey, Joe, you know, you might
want to contact your cell carrier.
All your "ha ha's" are coming
through as "thumbs up" lately.
- Oh, boy.
- What's, uh
What's with you never
laughing at any of my texts?
Peter, maybe now's not the time.
- No, no, no, tell me. What is it?
- Honestly? Nothing.
I just don't always think
you're all that funny.
Wow.
Uh, okay. Wow.
Look, if I want someone to
burp the national anthem,
there is no second
call, it's you or nobody.
Thank you, Joe. Thank
you for saying that.
When it comes to laughs,
you're just not my cup of tea.
I've never even seen Austin Powers.
Oh, well, there you go!
All right, fellas, I got to run. Look,
this doesn't change anything, Peter.
You're my friend. No hard feelings.
Oh yeah, no hard
feelings, like your dink?
I'll see you around, Peter.
I'll tell you what, I'm
gonna get a laugh from him.
Hmm. I'm not sure about that.
Seems like he's prayed on this one.
Well, I'm gonna give
it the old college try.
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
- Are you gonna go to class?
- No.
There you are. You're
not gonna believe this.
They got the blood
out of the ice machine?
- No, I found your ex on Facebook.
- What?
Shelly Barnes. She lives
only, like, 30 miles from here.
Hmm. Is 30 miles enough time
for me to get totally
jacked before I see her?
You can do push-ups in the
bus aisle. Let's go find her.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Hey, listen up.
Anyone seen Principal Shepherd?
He said he had to go to the
men's room and he disappeared.
[STUDENT] I'm not sure.
I think we're all finger-blasting
anything that moves back here.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, have you seen a
heavyset, middle-aged man?
Kind of sad-looking?
Hmm.
Oh.
Hey, you know, there was a guy that
left in a yellow cab a few minutes ago.
He got the number from
a magazine in his pocket.
I've never seen such stretched-out
pockets on a sport coat.
Oh, my God, that's him.
Principal Shepherd must have run away.
Do you have any security
footage from the lobby?
Sorry, the only video we have
is from the karaoke lounge.
He killed "Sublime", by the way.
I don't practice Santeria ♪
I ain't got no crystal ball ♪
Well, I had a
million dollars but ♪
Don't take those fries. I'm not done.
I'd spend it all If I could find ♪
I-I Ugh, I lost my place.
Start it over from the top, Gene.
Okay, guys, Principal Shepherd is gone.
Did you check the karaoke lounge?
He got in a huge fight
with that Gene guy.
I know you think adults are lame.
That we're just big bags
of crap that drink coffee,
but we are people, too.
Most of the things you think
are important now aren't.
Looks fade, waists expand,
chins double and dreams die.
And one day, one day, you're gonna wish
that a bus full of punk
kids would come along
and help when you need it most.
Now, that man is scared and
alone, and he needs us right now.
Now, who's with me?
[CHEERING]
[SIGHS] Wait a minute, if
Principal Shepherd's gone,
who's gonna drive the bus?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Someone say something
about a bus driver?
I still need six hours
of supervised road time
for my B Class license,
but I'm pretty sure I
can handle this bad boy
Meg, let's go find our principal.
[ENGINE STARTS]
- [STOMACH GURGLES]
- Ooh, sorry.
Sorry, guys. I got some, but I think
the troublemaker's still in there.
- [LOCK CLICKS]
- [FART]
Can someone please turn on
the always-1978 bus radio?
[RADIO CLICKS]
I cried a tear ♪
[LOUD FARTING]
You wiped it dry ♪
[ALL] Ew!
[MEG] It's not my fault. It's a ballad.
[RJ] 97.1 WBUS:
Songs you can't poop over on a bus.
Soft stoolin' our way through the '70s.
I love you ♪
[FARTING CONTINUES]
I honestly love you ♪
[ALL] Ew!
[MEG] Change the damn station!
Whoa, whoa. Where you going?
I've had it, Brian. I am
getting a "ha ha" from Joe
if it's the last thing I do.
And how are you planning to do this?
I'm gonna send a funny text and
sneak over to Joe's and "ha ha" it.
But why are you wearing all black?
So no one will see me. [CHUCKLES]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [LOUD THUD]
- [PETER] Aah!
- [MAN] Why are you wearing all black?
[PETER] Why are you
wearing a lady's ball gown?
[MAN] Let's both resume
whatever it is we were doing.
[AIR HISSING]
- [TYPING]
- [TEXT SENDS]
[VIBRATES]
[STRAINING]
Aah!
Who's there?
[GRUNTING]
Don't struggle. It
only makes it tighter.
[STRAINING]
Aah!
[GRUNTING]
Peter? What the hell is going on here?
[BONNIE] Joe? Joe, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, Bon.
[BONNIE] Oh.
We looked all night and there's no
sign of Principal Shepherd anywhere.
Oh, my God, of course.
Stop the bus, Meg. Look!
Gotcha.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
- I thought I might find you here.
- Mrs. Griffin, I, uh
Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I I shouldn't have inserted
myself into your personal life.
That That was wrong of me.
I know you just wanted
to help. I just
[SIGHS] I just panicked. I got
so scared of her seeing me now
and thinking that I'm this big loser.
Hey, you are not a loser.
May I remind you I wear
Saucony sneakers and Lee jeans.
[SIGHS] You
You are not a loser.
[GROANS]
Mrs. Griffin, yo quiero one more chance.
Well, Mr. Griffin, the
surgery went according to plan.
Great, thank you, Dr. Hartman.
I didn't know how to
categorize your injuries
on the insurance form, so
I just put "gay stabbing."
[STUTTERS] Oh, okay, who
else who else sees that?
Oh, almost-almost nobody.
It's just for, like,
file-keeping record stuff.
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
Go get 'em.
Shelly?
Hi, it's, uh, it's me, John Shepherd.
- Listen, John, I-I think maybe
- Hang on.
Just-just let me say
what I want to say.
God, you look great.
Listen, I know it must be
odd to see me standing here
all these years later.
And although I look like
a man on the outside
Shelly lives in the house next door.
Oh. Oh, uh, uh, which, uh
Oh, the one with the aboveground pool
and angry dogs tied to
the tree in the front yard.
[DOG GROWLING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
No way. John Shepherd?
Is that really you?
It is. Shelly?
- [BARKING]
- Shut up! Shut up, you idiots!
I'd invite you in, but my
uncle's getting dialysis
- right here in the bonus room.
- Oh, wow.
Uh, listen, I was I was
just in the neighborhood.
I wanted to come by
and see how you've been.
Yeah, not too bad. [BELCHES]
You know, I ended up opening
the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut,
but it never really took off.
I think, ultimately, it
came down to me trading
too many pizzas for drugs. [LAUGHS]
Right, right.
Listen, I actually got to
get these kids somewhere.
Well, it was nice to see you, John.
You ever want to hang out,
you know where to find me.
You'll find her in the wind
and in the trees around you.
Where the leaves blow
and the river flows.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Jared Fogle, the
former Subway spokesperson.
Not sure I want you
in my thought bubble.
- Aren't you in prison?
- Yes.
This is how I spend my days in my cell.
Hey, how many kids you got
on this bus, by the way?
[GRUNTS] This is why! This is
why I don't want you in there!
Thanks for pushing me
to go find my first love.
Sorry it ended up being
such a waste of time.
No, this was not a waste.
You just found out you won.
I did? How so?
Your ex-girlfriend is a total loser.
Meanwhile, you have a
great job with a pension,
a house and a car with
all different-color doors.
You're right.
I guess old Shep's doing okay.
You sure are. Now, all you got to do
is just not humiliate yourself
on a bus full of children.
Ooh, on that note,
I got to make a quick stop
in the little boy's room.
- [LOCK CLICKS]
- [PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD] Turn on the radio!
You're looking kind
of lonely, girl ♪
- [FARTING]
- [ALL] Ew!
Would you like someone new ♪
[ALL] Ew!
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD] This
bowl's getting very full.
I strongly suggest we don't
go up or down any hills.
I'm feeling kind of lonely, too ♪
If you don't mind ♪
Can I sit down here beside you? ♪
[FARTING CONTINUES]
Ah, yeah ♪
All right. ♪
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]