Family Guy s23e03 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
Good morning. I've come down to this
floor because corporate has figured out
a new revenue stream:
Giving tours of the brewery.
And Peter, I've chosen you for the job.
That's great!
Let me just call my old boss
and tell him to shove it.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
- Hello?
- Mr. Lloyd?
This is Peter Griffin. I quit.
And I never sent in my pledge
for your niece's Stand Up to Cancer 5K.
How's your niece, by the
way, she doing all right?
- Very sick.
- Ah, terrific.
It was an honor just to help.
Now, here's everything you'll
need to be a tour guide,
a blazer five people hung themselves in,
khakis that look dirty no matter
how many times you wash them,
and a wet, brown banana for lunch.
Awesome. I love telling
people where to go,
like when I cased that
McDonald's for The Hamburglar.
There. At 11:45,
they take the grease
traps out the back door.
You sneak in and take all
the hamburgers you want.
- Robble, robble.
- Hey, man,
I thought you wanted to
score some hamburgers.
These kids don't have to die, man.
Robble. Robble.
Okay, take it easy. Be cool.
I don't want any robble.
Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin,
and welcome to the brewery tour.
All right, quick quiz.
How many of you have
heard of beer before?
Wow, half. That's pretty good.
You can get a little
closer, gang, I don't bite.
- Ow!
- Too close!
And we're proud to
say that Pawtucket Ale
is responsible for 99% of
all DUIs in Rhode Island.
- Fascinating.
- Shouldn't you be doing the news?
Oh, no, we're doing a
"Best of News Bloopers."
Now, an update. Apparently, the
"Touth Sower" has just collapsed.
Tou "Touth Sower?" What?
"Touth " Okay, let's go again.
I'm Tom Tower Holy crap.
And now, please enjoy a
virtual reality experience
about our founder, Pawtucket Pat,
in these headsets that
are definitely clean.
Hi, I'm Casey Affleck,
aka Pawtucket Pat.
I signed this contract,
then learned it filmed the same
day as Ben and J.Lo's wedding.
Yet another great decision by
ol' Case. You'll cut that, right?
Pawtucket Pat came to
America from England in 1771,
looking for a better life.
The seas were very rough.
Pretty realistic, right?
[ALL SHOUTING]
When Pat finally reached the shore,
the natives welcomed him with a
flurry of arrows to his colonial penis.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Dear God, why's we experiencing this?
Please save your questions for the end.
In 1776, Pat refused to sign
the Declaration of Independence,
saying the only thing
we need independence from
is wives who won't let us drink.
He left Philadelphia, uttering
several anti-Italian slurs
on his way out, all of which are true.
Unfortunately, he didn't
realize Philadelphia is built
- on a platform 9,000 feet in the air.
- [HORSE NEIGHS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Just take off your headsets.
- [ALL YELL]
- [CASEY] The fall proved to be fatal.
And right before Pawtucket
Pat died, he pooped his pants.
We have pants available
in the gift shop.
Okay, so now how many
of you know what beer is?
So we did learn. Great.
Okay, before we wrap it
up, any questions? Yes?
How come Jeff Bezos wears
that big, weird cowboy hat
when he rides his spaceship?
[STUTTERS] I don't know, Joe.
Well, that's the tour,
folks. Please either tip me
or shamefully avoid eye
contact on the way out.
Coward. Coward. Coward.
Coward. Friggin' cheapskate.
Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.
There's a VIP who wants
a tour of the brewery,
and it's a bit of a sensitive matter.
- It's Brett Kavanaugh.
- Brett Ratner?
- No. That's Brett Ratner.
- Brett Favre?
No. That's a different scumbag Brett.
I'm talking about the
Supreme Court Justice.
He'd like the tour, and
I don't want a spectacle.
Sure. I don't got a problem with anyone
except Jennifer Connelly's husband.
- [BRETT WHOOPS] I love beer!
- That's him now.
Hello, your judgesty, Peter Griffin.
Hey, just call me Brett.
All right, guys, skedaddle.
I'm so pumped.
I've toured every brewery in the
country except this one. I love beer!
Yeah, you've screamed that twice now.
I scream it all the time.
It's kind of how I got my job.
- Me, too.
- That's awesome.
Tour time. I love beer!
Then you'll love all the
dull trivia behind it.
Peter, I don't want
some normie dork tour.
Look at us. We're
bloated kindred spirits.
We even look alike.
We're in love with the
same mistress, Peter.
And you know everything about her:
Her moods, her little whims, her musk.
Show me her world, Peter.
Show me your beer.
[PETER SUCKING]
Double keg stand. Are
there any chicks watching?
No. Even better, just guys.
One thing I do know,
beer can only be drunk in
an upright body position.
Uh, Keith? I'm gonna ask
you to turn around for a sec.
[CHUCKLES] You're
gonna feel pretty silly.
[GULPING]
Yes. We got to experience
what it's like to be beer.
And we drank our own pee in the can.
- No, we didn't.
- Right. No, yeah, right.
Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool
for a Supreme Court justice.
That's all I want people to say.
Last one in's a rotten egg!
I will not be a rotten egg.
Bro, let's see who can get
the reddest the fastest.
[GULPING]
I'm very drunk, Peter.
There are a lot of yous.
I see a lot of yous.
- You know it.
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
All people want to do is scream at me
in steakhouses about women's bodies.
Yeah. My wife hates you, which
kind of makes me secretly like you.
Hey, Brett?
Do you think that we'll
still be friends at college?
I don't know, man.
Oh, my God, we were
super drunk last night.
Did I accidentally kill Brett Kavanaugh?
"Dear Peter, why did
you accidentally kill me?
"Just kidding. I don't
want my life anymore.
"You take it. Brett.
"PS, this is the first time
I've ever put clothes on anyone
"without their consent. Ha, ha, ha."
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- [HANDLER] Justice Kavanaugh?
[RETCHES]
[SIGHS] It's him.
Did you guys see that
chick in accounting?
Boy, I'd like to hustle her up
some stairs against her will.
- It's really him.
- Let's get him back
to the Supreme Court of the
United States of America,
where he serves a lifetime appointment
as one of only nine
Senate-confirmed justices.
It's so cool that a guy named Brett gets
to decide if women can have abortions.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, anyone watch anything
interesting last night?
[CLARENCE THOMAS] I'm
finally gonna say something.
Or would it be weird, after 30 years,
if the first thing I say
is, "I like Shark Tank"?
You can do this, Clarence. Here goes.
- [INHALES]
- [DOOR OPENS]
There he is. Hey, Kavanaugh.
Sorry I'm late. The steps
outside are perfect for a slinky.
Ah, I love your
refreshing honesty, Brett.
Dears, can I get a cup of coffee?
Brett, we're Justices
Sotomayor and Barrett.
Right, sorry.
Hon, coffee?
No, I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.
Yes, and I will definitely
remember your name
and not butcher it
relentlessly going forward.
- Toots, coffee?
- Stick it, Brett.
I'm Justice Elena Kagan. Ha-cha-cha.
Okay, ready for our
morning introduction?
[FANFARE PLAYING]
[NARRATOR] Gathered together
from Harvard and Yale,
except the last lady Trump appointed,
are the most boring forces
of good ever assembled.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
[NARRATOR] John Roberts.
Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Elena Kagan.
[GROWLING]
Get a visible car, bitch.
[NARRATOR] Sonya Sotomayor
is Aquaman in this, I guess.
And the Wonder Twins,
Barrett and Brown Jackson.
We hate each other, though.
[NARRATOR] With their
space monkey, Kavanaugh.
It's me, Peter. [GIGGLES]
Ah.
[NARRATOR] They're trying not to die
until someone from
their party is president.
These are the Supreme Friends.
All right, let's pick a case.
We've got a bakery that won't
bake a cake for a gay wedding,
a bakery that won't bake a
cake for a trans anniversary,
a bakery that won't bake a
cake for a dog's birthday
Is it just all people mad about cakes?
It's mostly cakes, yes.
Although there is this case,
Hometown Buffet v. Peter Griffin.
If the steaming hot dog
water is on the buffet table,
it is part of the buffet.
What'll it be, fellas?
- Three beers.
- Sorry, can't. We're all out.
What? How is that possible?
"The Kav" drank it all.
Ugh. Brett Kavanaugh.
- I hate that guy.
- Me, too.
'Sup, I'm the Kav. Mind if I sit down?
- Kind of.
- Come on, I know my reputation,
but can't we have one beer?
Fine. One beer.
- You guys play golf?
- Occasionally.
You ever hit the ball and it doesn't
go where you thought it would?
- Sometimes.
- You ever putt and it just, like, misses?
Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.
You ever get stuck in a sand trap
and you can't stop crying
'cause deep down you
know your dad hates you?
Brett Kavanaugh, you're all right.
Guys, we got to party together.
This weekend? Squee's mom's beach house?
- Sounds epic.
- Party at the shore.
What's the stair situation there?
There's a flight of stairs to get in.
Okay, we should probably
Airbnb another place.
- Still in.
- 100% in.
Well, we can figure that
out later as a group.
Therefore, in order to qualify
for a hardship exemption
under Section 7545-09BI
Guys, I think I have a way
to make this more interesting.
With regard to the claim
o forum non conveniens
[PETER] Boo! We're not turning for that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Tastes like strawberries ♪
On a summer evening ♪
And it sounds just like a song ♪
I want more berries ♪
And that summer feeling ♪
It's so wonderful and warm ♪
[ALL] Watermelon sugar high ♪
Watermelon sugar high ♪
That was a great idea, everybody.
Let's take lunch.
Hey, how about today we eat at the mall?
[CLARENCE] Okay, Clarence,
there's never gonna be
a better setup to make
your "Supreme Food
Court" joke. Here goes.
If we're going to the mall,
how about we eat at
the Supreme Food Court?
[LAUGHTER]
[CLARENCE] It's like
he heard my thoughts.
[PETER] That's right,
Clarence. I can hear thoughts.
But it only works on
white-haired black guys.
Do you want to know how Danny
Glover really felt about Mel Gibson?
- Lois, what's going on with
- My hair? My beard?
Because you took a lifetime
appointment in Washington,
I'm doing everything.
Sorry I haven't had a
second to wax and dye myself.
That'll make him want to come back.
Lois, this is the first
time in our marriage
I've ever done anything for me.
[SPUTTERS] What? I've let
you drink with your friends
at a bar every night
for the last 22 years.
Oh, I just knew you'd hold
that against me at some point.
Peter, if you took it seriously,
being on the Supreme Court
is a huge opportunity.
Hmm. How so?
The New York Times is reporting
that tomorrow the court's hearing a case
- to repeal gay marriage.
- They are?
You could help save the families
of millions of gay Americans.
You know, Brian's right.
I am tired of your shenanigans,
but this, this is a chance
to do some real good.
Would you stop playing
with filters and listen?
Okay, I've taken my filters off.
- Peter
- I've just been drinking a lot of water.
Do you, uh Do you have an OnlyFans?
I just sent you a DM. My
wish list is in my bio.
All right, Brett, we're
deadlocked four to four.
Are you going to vote to
repeal gay marriage or not?
Okay, so "yes" means no gay marriage?
- Yes.
- And "no" means yes gay marriage?
- Yes.
- Do you mean "yes" as in "no"
or "no" as in "yes"?
God, Kavanaugh, you're like a dog with
a bone with this "no means yes" stuff.
Gay marriage, what is your decision?
Well, Alito's right, the Constitution
says nothing to protect gay marriage.
Yes! Fetuses will be
so psyched to hear that.
But also, all people
are equal under the law,
which is why we must not
only ban gay marriage,
we have to ban straight marriage.
Then let's do it! I hate my crazy wife!
[PANTING]
I did it. I spoke.
[GINNI THOMAS] Clarence,
you forgot your lunch.
Thanks, baby.
Ugh. It sucks that this is the
only hat to overthrow democracy in.
This is absurd. We
can't ban all marriage.
The whole point of not being
gay is to get extra stuff.
Sam, say I invite you
out for a beer right now.
- Could you do it or would you have to ask?
- I'd have to ask.
Ask to have a beer? How is that freedom?
You know what freedom is?
Imagine you can't
forget your anniversary.
Imagine it's illegal to have in-laws.
Imagine a whole bathroom sink
with just a toothbrush on it.
This sounds sexist.
Imagine a bar of soap in the shower
- with no pubes on it.
- Touché.
You know, this would
stop everyone from asking,
"How come she's not married?"
I just need one more vote. Roberts?
I don't know.
No more wedding cakes
means no more lawsuits.
We'd be done by 11:00 every day
- the rest of our lives.
- In.
We did it, guys.
We changed the way everything
works without asking anyone,
just like America wants.
[WHOOPING, CHEERING]
You got to love small beach towns
with no economic opportunities.
They should have a wet
undies contest for guys.
- Shut up, Joe.
- Men should not say "undies."
[ANNOUNCER] And the winner of $18
and a free base-level car wash is
Diana DiGuacamo!
What? That's insane!
- [SHOUTS, GRUNTS]
- Whoa, Kav.
What the hell? Amber should have won.
Why are you so mad? Diana
had the nicest bazongas.
Look at the banner, Glenn.
It's not a nicest bazongas contest,
it's a wet T-shirt contest.
And Amber's shirt was the wettest.
But, Brett, surely the spirit of the
tilt is to reward the most comely bosom.
Then why have T-shirts at all?
Why not just hand the trophy
to the woman with the
biggest milk monsters?
Kav, you're spitting little pieces
of barf absolutely everywhere.
Wet T-shirt contests have rules.
That's all that
separates us from animals.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I just need to make a
brief, passionate speech.
Okay, I'll come back.
I like rules. And I like beer.
And I used to think I had to choose
between making arbitrary regulations
that govern every
aspect of everyone's life
and getting blackout drunk 24/7,
but I don't have to choose.
I can do both. I can do both!
Uh, Brett, you're peeing on yourself.
Guys, I got to get back to DC.
But first, let's write down everything
in our calendars that
happened the last three days.
- Why?
- So 30 years from now,
we can prove we didn't rape anyone.
Wait, how would an old,
handwritten calendar prove anything?
Trust me, it's enough.
Adios, bros.
That guy was a little
creepy, even for me.
Thanks for coming to help me, Brian.
I can't believe they chose you
to write a Supreme Court opinion.
They must really trust you.
Actually, I was the last
judge to say "not it."
Gorsuch said "not it infinity"
at the beginning of the day,
- so he was immune.
- What can I do?
Send Lauren Boebert a "You up?"
text? She's already blocked my number.
Sir, I've written my opinion.
- Is this a joke?
- No.
Even though Tom Cruise
smiles all the time,
he is incapable of joking, sir.
Kavanaugh, I've had it with you.
You're constantly late, drunk,
and somehow don't even
know the basics of the law.
I've never done this before,
nor do I have the authority
to do so, but you're fired.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- That's not Brett Kavanaugh! I am.
And I can prove it.
No, that's okay.
Now that you're both in front
of me, it's glaringly obvious.
We should really get
seats that face each other.
Now that that distraction's
out of the way,
let's get back to
banning only gay marriage,
like the Founding Fathers intended.
Sir, you need to leave.
I just need to say one thing.
Sure, I'll work around your schedule.
Okay, so I'm not a judge, but let's
talk about the Founding Fathers.
If a guy who was five feet tall,
had a mouthful of wooden teeth,
and pooped in a flowerpot
walked in here right now,
would you say, "Let's
do everything he says"?
Or, "Maybe we can think
of something better"?
You really want to
stick it to gay people?
I mean, that's kind of
why the Federalist
Society put me here, yeah.
Then why let gay people sleep in,
have their own bathrooms, and
eat every meal at a bistro?
Why should gays get to wear
white jeans, host the Tonys
and have endless casual sex?
You want to take away their freedom?
Let them get married.
Huh. Maybe you're not an idiot.
I'm not, I'm-I'm just a visual learner.
A toast to Peter Griffin,
who brought some common
sense to this court.
I didn't. Beer did.
Thanks, booze.
Hey, this is non-alcoholic.
I've learned my lesson.
I've listened, grown and
changed. I swear on the Bible.
[THUDS]
Son of a bitch slipped me a Mickey.
I'm proud of you, Peter.
I don't know how you did it,
but you preserved gay marriage.
Oh, I just told them how happy we are,
and how everyone deserves
that for themselves.
- Aw.
- Well, like every political figure
with a conflicted conscience in movies,
I now have to go spend a
night at the Lincoln Memorial.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
Did they invent bulletproof
theater helmets yet?
No, we just accept that
anyone could get shot
anywhere at any time.
Well, as long as my
beloved Republican party
is still upholding the
traditions of Honest Abe.
[SAD TROMBONE PLAYS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]