South Park s23e04 Episode Script

1 RANDY: Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna leave my woes behind There's ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" I'm headin' on down to Tegridy Farms Gonna see if I can't unwind TOWELIE: I got some weed, and I don't know what's going on.
RANDY: So come on down to Tegridy Farms And meet some friends of mine Good morning, everyone good morning.
So listen, guys, we are not in good shape.
The whole doing-business-in-China thing has sort of bitten us in the ass.
And now we aren't selling enough weed to keep up with our costs.
You see this? This right here? That's us plateauing.
We no longer get any of that sweet Chinese money and now, all the money we do make doesn't even cover our expenses.
So, how do we sell more weed? Stan? [SCOFFS.]
I don't know.
Do, like a sale? Like a fall sale? Not good enough! Shelley? I hate marijuana.
Nice attitude.
How do we sell more weed? Sharon? If you don't make commercials or do more parades for the town - we'd have more money.
- Right, cut out all our marketing.
That's Sharon's great idea, everyone.
Towelie? You know what the problem is, it's the schwag.
All those stands and seeds, they just go to waste, man.
Go on.
It's like we sell all the good parts of the weed but we throw away, like, tons and tons of all the left over shit.
You can sell that crap as mulch to a hardware company.
Mulch.
Use our discarded product to recover costs.
Everyone, great job.
You just got pwned by a towel.
It's Sloppy Joe Day! BOTH: It's Sloppy Joe Day! I seriously think that Sloppy Joe Day is my favorite day at school.
Yeah, it's the best.
BOTH: Sloppy Joe Day, it's sloppy Joe day! Come on, keep the line moving, kids! What is this? That's today's lunch.
- It's feesh.
[FISH.]
- Feesh? But, but this is Sloppy Joe Day.
Yeah, well, the menu's been changed.
We had kids complainin' our food wasn't healthy or sustainable enough so don't you start bitchin' about it now.
What kids were complaining about health and sustainability?! What kids would care at all that [GASPS.]
- The girls! - The girls? The fucking girls.
Excuse me! Can someone explain to us why this is on our lunch trays? Yeah, it's supposed to be Sloppy Joe Day! We asked for healthier options and to sometimes have food for those of us who don't eat red meat.
Oh, my God.
I'm about to lose my mind You think you can just mess with a man's lunch - It's okay Eric - You think that your ideas about health and nutrition should be somehow - interfering with mine - Eric, Eric You dictate what foods I can eat - Urk! - [TRAY CLATTERS.]
[GASPING, GRUNTING.]
- Eric? Eric? - I can't.
I can't.
- Butters, I can't - [WHUMP.]
[FOOD SPLATTERS.]
- [SIREN WAILS.]
- [MONITOR BEEPING.]
[SHOCKERS CHARGE.]
Clear.
[THUMP.]
We got him back.
Fuck you, Wendy.
How much you think we'll get for our mulch? Even if we only get ten cents a pound, we have, like, a million pounds of it.
This is gonna save our business.
I'm really hungry all of a sudden, you want some Burger King? Yeah, I'll take some onion rings.
Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order? Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings The big Coke Zero and, um What's an Impossible burger? It's a plant-based burger, sir.
Plant based? You mean, like, it's not, like, a cow? No sir, it's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.
Huh.
Okay I'll try it.
[CASH REGISTER BEEPS.]
Hey, this tastes like shit.
You guys make money off of this? They're very popular, sir.
A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.
Ah, that, that's amazing.
I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit.
And you get people to buy it? Wait a minute Plant based Plant.
Based Plant based.
Oh, my God.
[BELL RINGS.]
Comin', through! Make way! Hey guys, how's it going? You're out of the hospital? Yes.
The girls tried to kill me, but they didn't succeed.
However we cannot let the girls' protests ruin our lunch ever again.
NICHOLE: Oh, gimme a break! It's not just girls who want to change the menu, it's boys too! Yeah! I want vegan food! A lot of students are protesting! Well their protesting is ruining my lunch! We have a right to free speech! Yes, we do all have freedom of speech, but at times there are ramifications for the negative that can happen, when you're not thinking about others and you're only thinking for yourself! Woah, woah, woah-what's going on, kids! The protestors are trying to kill Eric again Mr.
Mackey! M'kay, kids, we don't want another incident here, m'kay? When you try to change people's lunch, they don't realize it harms people financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
[GRUNTS.]
Eric, it's okay.
We aren't going to change the school menu, m'kay? Everything's fine.
That's not fair! Doesn't it matter we're being silenced?! [GASPS.]
My lunch! Girls, I'm sorry.
But the health of our students has to come first.
Gerald, thanks for coming.
You're not going to believe this.
- Believe what? Your text said that - Come on! Come on! Come on! I think I've perfected it, Gerald.
I've made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.
I want you to to try it.
It's a hamburger? It's a Tegridy burger.
Go ahead.
Try it.
Well? [MUFFLED, MOUTHFUL.]
It tastes like shit.
Yeah, it's plant based.
But keep eating it though.
I just I just don't think it's very good.
Randy wait for it.
Wait for it.
Oh.
- Oh-ho! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Huh? - Yeah, it's good.
Yeah, right? It's really fucking good, man.
This is like the best burger I've ever had! And you can eat a lot of 'em and not feel bloated.
Towelie's had, like, 12! Best burgers I ever had.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
School cafeteria ribs.
After all that yogurt and crap they gave me at the hospital.
Mmm! I love Barbecue Rib Day Yeah, I think maybe I like Rib Day Even more than Sloppy Joe Day It's a difficult choice WENDY: Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention, please? Look, guys.
We're supposed to be the young generation, right? We're the ones upset about the world our parents left us.
Yeah, but eating this kind of food makes us all just as guilty.
The millions and millions of cows and pigs and chickens that we harvest every year are a huge reason for climate change.
It is up to us as students to protest for change.
Young voices matter! Without sustainable and ethical food choices now, - we're proving to be no - [YELLS.]
Can I please just enjoy my lunch for five god damn minutes.
You gotta calm down, Eric, Remember your condition We all have freedom of speech but stop talking about climate change during lunchtime! Okay, let's sit down.
Some of us are trying to just enjoy some simple God damn barbecue ribs and I [GRUNTING, GROANING.]
Oh, God they did it to me again, Butters.
- Eric! - I think this is the big one.
- Don't let me die.
- Somebody, help! Don't let me, d-don't let me die, butters! - [GROANING.]
- [SIREN WAILS.]
- Clear.
- [THUMP.]
We got him back.
Fuck you Wendy.
So that's one Whopper, one order of chicken strings, and a medium beverage RANDY: Burgers! Get your burgers here! Okay that'll be fif Plant-based burgers for sale! Excuse me one moment.
Get your hamburgers here! Plant-based burgers for sale! Hey! What are you doing? I'm sellin' hamburgers! All natural, completely plant based.
Thank you sir.
You can't sell hamburgers here, this is a Burger King! You sell hamburgers here.
Yeah, you sell hamburgers here.
This is seriously as good or better than a real hamburger.
Can I get a couple more to take to work? Hey now look, buddy! I'm not gonna lose customers because of you! We have plant-based burgers inside as well! Come try our Impossible burger! Tegridy burger! Made locally right here in South Park! Tegridy burger.
Stop that! Alright, everyone, listen up.
As you know, there are several students protesting the school menu.
But there are other students who are voicing their concerns against changes.
Eric Cartman is still recovering in the hospital, we all wish him well.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Now the school has been looking into several options to deal with problem.
And I do believe we have found a compromise.
We have found a new company in the plant-based fast food industry who would like to be the supplier for our cafeteria.
And so please welcome the founder of Incredible Meat.
[CLAPS.]
Hello, children.
I want to thank you and I want to thank your fine principal, for hearing me out.
I take plants and I process them into goo.
I am a goo man.
I have factories all over the country.
I have trucks right now loaded with goo that can be here within the week.
The goo I speak of can be made into anything.
It can be made into tacos.
It can be made into hot dogs.
And I promise you that none of your students will know the difference.
I would very much like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your school.
I would like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your town.
I'm a simple family man and a vegetarian.
I would like the opportunity to make you all vegetarians as well.
And I thank you.
RANDY: Eating meat doesn't just hurt animals, it hurts people.
It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce just 1 pound of animal meat.
All that plant food could be used much more efficiently if people just ate it directly.
Meat is also not environmentally friendly.
Meat production is wasteful and causes enormous amounts of pollution, and the meat industry is one of the biggest Huh? Oh, I was just saying that adopting a vegan diet is way more effective than switching to a "greener" car in the fight against climate change.
For your health, for our planet, for the animals, and for each other.
We have to switch to plant-based foods.
Now, i-it just so happens [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
You gotta be kidding me! RANDY: It's our grand opening! Come and visit your town's only plant-based burger joint! It's not the town's only plant-based burger joint! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Celebrate our grand opening Tegridy Burger.
Jeeba, jeeba Jeeba-jeeba [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- Here he comes! - [TALKING STOPS.]
It's Taco Tuesday It's T-Taco [STUDENTS MURMUR.]
Mr.
Mackey.
Oh, h-hello, Eric.
What's going on, Butters? It's Taco Tuesday [WEAKLY.]
It's Taco Tuesday These tacos look different.
What kind are they? They're Incredible Beef Tacos.
Oh, Incredible Beef Tacos.
That sounds nice.
Hmm? [SNIFFS.]
[TACO CRUNCHES.]
[TACO CRUNCHES.]
Did you guys see that new "Joker" movie? Oh, thank God.
It worked.
[BELL DINGS.]
Welcome City Wok.
I take a order, please.
Are you the owner of this restaurant? Yes.
I take a order, please.
I'd like to do business with you.
Your establishment here is perfect for my plant-based meats.
You see, I am a goo man.
If you carry my product, Incredible Meats, we can put the word "incredible" before all of your dishes.
You mean, instead of City Chicken, I could have Incredible City Chicken? That is correct.
You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef, I can have Incredibly City Mongorian Beef? - That's right.
- You're saying now I can have scallops with Incredibly City XO Sauce?! Okay! Sign me up! That is most excellent! Now, how many customers on average do you have per day? Including my wife? Uh, zero to one per day.
That's it.
Yeah, I got no customers now that a Tegridy Burger opened up.
Everyone want plant-based food now.
That's why I'm ready you sign me up.
What is Tegridy Burger? Yeah, here you look.
Down the block.
Most popular place in town.
Is that so?! Hey! Hey, what about my Incredibly City Chicken? [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Whatchu doin', you sum bitch? Excuse me? I'm the biggest cattle rancher in South Park.
I made my livin' 62 odd years before you fancy plant growers done showed up and put me outta job! Well I'm sorry, Mr.
Cow Killer but this is called "evolution.
" I got 300 cows that the world has suddenly decided they got no use fer! What am I supposed to do with 'em Put em in a zoo? What they gonna do now, go start a cow circus? Go make some cow TV show? You are single handedly making cows extinct, you! You gotta plan for 'em all?! Fine! Come on! [WHISTLES.]
[COWS MOO.]
FARMER: Come on! Yah! Come on! Mr.
Plant-Based Burgers here is gonna take care of you now! Yeah, don't worry.
He cares about the environment.
So he can figure out what to do with you.
[CHUCKLING.]
Hey.
Fuck you.
No, fuck you, sum bitch! They're your problem now.
[BURGER WRAPPER CRINKLES.]
[GROANING.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[GROANING RESUMES.]
Teacher? - Mm! Mnm-mnm.
- [GROANING CONTINUES.]
[BELL RINGS.]
Lunchtime! Walk don't run, mm-kay.
CARTMAN: Hey, Butters! Wait up, dude.
You know what today is, right? It's Salisbury Steak Day Salisbury Steak Day, it's Salis [WEAKLY.]
Salisbury Steak Day Butters, is something going on? Your lunch dances aren't the same.
Eric, I I just hate lying to you.
I mean you've been in the hospital twice.
I feel guilty.
Guilty? About what? It's our lunches, Eric.
It's Incredible Meat.
Yes, I think it's pretty good.
No, Eric! See, there was this guy.
He's a goo man.
The fuck is a goo man?! [COWS MOOING.]
Go on, shoo! Hey! God damn it! [COWS MOOING.]
I don't know what we're gonna do.
These cows are eating all our weed, and they're shitting everywhere! They're gonna put us completely out of business.
Can't you find anyone else to take 'em? Nobody wants cows anymore! They're bad for climate change.
- We gotta kill 'em.
- What?! They're ruining our burger business! We gotta kill all these cows! How are we gonna do that? Look, it's not gonna be easy.
It's not something anyone wants to do but we're just gonna have to get really, really high.
[SONG PLAYING.]
[BURGERS SIZZLE.]
[COWS MOO.]
[COW MOOS.]
[COW MOOS.]
[COWS MOOING.]
RANDY: Yeah! Yee-haw! [COW MOOS.]
I've been in your town a little while now.
What I see is a community that is ready for change.
You see, I am a goo man.
What I serve in your school cafeteria is a synthetically-modulated plant protein.
I have taken over nearly all the fast food restaurants here in town and teamed up with the fine people in your community.
This my new regional manager, H.
W.
- It's Rick.
- Shut up, H.
W.
You see, I'm trying to reach all the school cafeterias, all the stadiums, fast food restaurants, all the places that serve shitty food and serve shitty goo.
The goo for these kind of places is made in a factory.
It's made in a lab.
It's just down-market goo.
[FARTING.]
But I can tell people it's healthy and earth friendly, and I can send my goo through a network of pipes running all the way to the ocean.
So, that it can be eaten by people who eat crappy food anyway from coast to coast.
And that's what we have for school lunch now? That's what all the kids decided while I wasn't there? But you see, It doesn't work unless I own all the crappy food places.
Mr.
Rancher? Y-Yes sir.
Mr.
Goo Man? Have you done what I've asked you to do? It's all done, sir.
You'll have everything you need.
Well if you don't mind boys, I have work to tend to.
Me too.
I need to have a word with the students at my school.
Oh, God, Eric! What are you gonna do?! It has become the most popular burger in Colorado.
The plant-based Tegridy Burger is changing the way people think about food.
All over the state, people are turning vegan and eating more ethical sustainable meat.
[TIRES SCREECH, ENGINE REVS.]
[TIRES SCREECH, ENGINE REVS.]
I'm standing now with Randy Marsh, the owner of Tegridy Burger, and, Mr.
Marsh, you must be pretty excited.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yeah, you know, we're all just We're all just bein' healthy and ethical over here! Uh-huh, and, Mr.
Marsh, what about the student protests coming out against - your burgerright now?! - Huh? Students are coming forward, saying that Tegridy Farms is unethical and hypocritical.
That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud! We caught their farm on camera.
Just take a look! We warn you, the following footage is graphic.
[COWS MOOING.]
[CROWD GROANS.]
[RANDY LAUGHING.]
[COW MOOS.]
[CROWD BOOS.]
Mr.
Marsh, what do you have to say about these images? Oh, hey.
Fuck you! Oh, they were They were just We didn't eat 'em! [CROWD BOOING.]
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey, guys, looks like I almost missed lunch.
Oh, God.
Someone's gonna die.
I found out about what we're eating here at the school.
I found out what it's made of and where! N-Now, Eric, stay calm, mm-kay! We're sorry.
We were just trying to find a compromise! Now just be calm.
What are you sorry about? It's me who owes all you guys an apology.
I thought you guys were all trying to force me to eat healthy, but I've learned that a lot of this stuff is made in a factory and processed with tons of salt just like all my favorite foods! SpaghettiOs, Rice-A-Roni Here I was thinking what you wanted was stuff from a farmers market.
I just didn't want my food to change.
School cafeteria meat is just processed crap that comes in a box, and this is just processed crap that comes in a box.
I don't have a problem with it.
All I wanted was to be able to eat the same garbage I always have, and this is definitely garbage.
And hey, if it happens to be more ethical and sustainable, well, I guess I'm fine with that, too.
So, you see, guys? There was actually no reason to protest! We were actually all on the same page all the time! At least we learned that freedom of speech truly doesn't matter! Come on, let's eat! It's Processed Meat-Like Substance Day It's Processed Meat-Like Substance Day