Family Guy s23e05 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
The hot new reality dating show Sex Farm
is coming to Quahog.
Contestants conceal their identities
by dressing as farm animals
in hopes of finding love.
Auditions are being held all week
at the long-empty
Miramax offices downtown.
Imagine naming a
company after your mother
and then molesting
everyone who comes in.
Auditions? [GASPS] Maybe
I could meet my person.
Your "person"?
Oh, is your "person" a good "human"?
You gonna post your
engagement ring with,
"So, this just happened"?
You gonna hashtag #VanLife?
You gonna get murdered in Florida?
No one's gonna look for
you, you basic white bitch.
This is gonna be awesome.
- I'm gonna try out.
- Well, good luck.
I hope your reality show
goes better than mine did.
[ANNOUNCER] This season on Alone,
twelve contestants will be
dropped in the wilderness.
Remember, you're on
camera, so don't masturbate.
I didn't even make it to the ground.
Thank you for coming in today, Meg.
We're excited to see if
you have what it takes
to be on Sex Farm.
Thanks. So, is there anything
I need to do for this audition?
No. Most of modern auditions
is just us going through
all your old tweets
to see if there are any
racist or homophobic slurs.
Now, I see you've never
retweeted Bowen Yang. Why?
I see that I was wrong,
and I now understand
comedy is mostly about
getting angry at funny things.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
You're in.
[COREY] This season on Sex Farm,
we're in Quahog, Rhode Island,
with an all-new cast
of horny livestock.
[MOOS]
What's going on, guys?
It's me, Corey, from Corey's World.
After being virally ambushed
while screaming at my
stepmom in a Walmart,
I've taken a demotion from
YouTube to network television.
And I am totally less-profitably stoked
to be your host tonight on Sex Farm.
Let's get to know these filthy animals.
[THE LIBRARIAN] No
middle-aged spinster here,
I'm just a frisky little pussycat.
[LAUGHS]
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD] I'm here
because sleeping in a barn
is preferable to an
unfurled wrestling mat.
[MEG] I'm ready to swine and dine.
Oink, oink, boink, boink.
[SNORTS]
Yuck. The herd will decide who stays
to continue their journey for love
and who gets put out to pasture.
All part of the barn
dance here on Sex Farm,
where our pronouns are "yee" and "haw."
I I don't get that.
[MEG] Hey, there. Nice ass.
I'm wondering if you're
down for some porkin'.
[BRUCE] Oh, my, that's
going right at it, isn't it?
Sorry, little piggy, I
think you's a sloppin'
at the wrong trough.
[MEG] Oh, uh, sorry.
Uh, hey, there. Nice ass.
I'm wondering if you're
down for some porkin'.
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD] I
had to take 80 milligrams
of Thorazine 'cause I'm having
a claustrophobic freak-out in here.
So, pass.
[CHICKEN] Wow, you really
packed that away in a hurry.
[MEG] Thanks.
I may be dressed like a pig,
but I have two stomachs like a cow.
[CHICKEN LAUGHS] You're funny.
[MEG] It's not really a joke.
I'm not expected to live past 40.
[CHICKEN] Looks like I
made it just under the wire.
[MEG] I'm only 18.
[CHICKEN] Oh, your Liberty
Mutual tote bag threw me off.
[MEG] It's how I carry my loose fruit.
[CHICKEN] I like you.
You don't try very hard.
[MEG] Oh, I'm trying very hard.
What's going on, guys?
It's your boy Corey.
Be sure to check me out on Cameo.
The producers said I
couldn't mention it,
but I'm betting they
don't even watch the show.
So, a big part of
finding love on the farm
is having our contestants go on dates
and then be surprised by a musical act
you've never heard of.
I couldn't believe it. We
walked around the corner,
and there was Barton James.
Won't you hold my hand ♪
- [MEG] Oh, my God.
- [CHICKEN] I love this song.
Make me understand ♪
Barton James and a girl in a pig mask?
Yeah, it was a pretty good day.
Man ♪
Check it out, guys, Barton James'
new album Country Girl is now available
exclusively on Deezer.
We had to say that or
he wouldn't show up.
[ANNOUNCER] Devout Christian
Barton James was unvaccinated
and a general pain in
the ass to deal with.
What's going on, guys?
Dates have ended, and it's almost time
to find out who's got the heat
and who's being turned into meat.
Fan favorite The Cow
is recovering nicely
from his panic attack at Group Coop.
I don't really care if I fall in love.
I just need to be done with this show,
like, as soon as possible.
I haven't taken a normal breath in
[GASPS]
three days. [EXHALES]
Guys, if you or someone you know
is struggling with
anxiety or depression,
go to SexFarm-BummedOut.com.
Wild cards Pig and
Chicken really hit it off
at the group feces bath.
Let's see if their connection continues
on their mandatory
reality-show helicopter ride.
[CHICKEN] I really like
spending time with you.
You're so spontaneous.
[MEG] I really like you, too.
And I'm sorry for that
fart you're gonna smell.
I knew you wouldn't hear it,
but I didn't think it was
gonna be as bad as it was.
[CHICKEN] I actually did hear it.
And I think I might be
falling in love with you.
[PILOT] Hey, guys,
what was the one rule I had?
[MEG/CHICKEN] No farting
in the helicopter.
No farting in the helicopter.
I killed bin Laden, now I'm doing this.
Before we find out which
couple will be the first
put out to pasture, we're
gonna put up a QR code
that's a direct link to Deezer,
where you can hear Barton James'
duet with Kyle Rittenhouse.
And the first eliminated couple is
Pig and Chicken.
Which means fan favorite
Cow remains on the farm.
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD]
I told producer Josh
I desperately want to go home.
Pig and Chicken, turn in your hay
and head to the slaughterhouse.
Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you down.
And I'm sorry I embarrassed you
in front of Bethenny Frankel.
[CHICKEN] That was Bethenny Frankel?
I thought it was a scarecrow.
[MEG] Well, the crows were scared.
- Is she gone?
- [SIGHS] I I don't know.
I I mean, I want the corn,
but I don't want to have to hear
about how much trouble
she's having dating.
[MOANS]
[MEG] Well, I guess this is it.
It was nice while it lasted.
Wait, Pig!
- [MEG] Yes?
- I don't even know your name.
I'm Meg.
I'm just worried you
won't be as attracted to me
when I take this off.
[CHICKEN] You're dressed like a pig.
I'll take my chances.
[CHICKEN] I was right.
You are prettier than a pig.
Your turn.
And I don't care what you
look like under that mask.
[CHICKEN] That's good, because
I'm a chicken.
My name is Nugget.
Wait a minute, you're not related
to the giant chicken, are you?
He's my dad.
[GASPS]
What is it, Peter?
I forgot to go to college.
Oh, Meg, there you are.
Sit down. We're watching Sex Farm.
- Have you seen it?
- Mom, I was on it.
- I was the pig.
- What?
Yeah, I don't remember that,
either, but check it out.
The cow escaped and then a
fan vote brought him back.
They caught him hiding on one
of those Chick-fil-A billboards.
Once again, please stop voting for me.
This is a cry for help.
I swear to God, I'll jump.
That guy is so funny.
I'm gonna vote for him a hundred times.
Well, have fun.
Where are you going all dolled up?
What? Oh, that is not
offensive to dolls.
Stop trying to make yourself angry.
- I have a date.
- With who?
Um, nobody you know. See you later.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- She's dating again?
Whatever happened to that
illusionist she was seeing?
I never left, Peter.
Wow. Wait, why are you still here?
Well, I'm an illusionist,
so I'm either homeless
or I have a $100 million
residency in Las Vegas.
Oh, my God, the cow
is really gonna jump.
You made me do this.
- This is on you, producer Josh.
- [ALL GASP]
- [THUDS]
- I'm all right.
I landed just so.
It's so cool learning about your world.
So, okay, tell me this,
is Colonel Sanders
like your Adolf Hitler?
No, the colonel is an honest man.
Our Adolf Hitler is Kenny Rogers,
with his stupid Kenny Rogers Roasters.
Kenny Rogers? The gambler?
[SIGHS] No, not the gambler.
He was the narrator who
met up with the gambler,
and then shared things he
had learned from the gambler
but at no point was the gambler.
Well, all I know is that
he looked like he was 40
from the time he was 20
until the time he was 90.
And died unable to close his eyes, yes.
Now, how about that picnic?
["WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN" TUNE PLAYS]
When a girl loves a chicken ♪
Can't keep her mind on nothing else ♪
She'd trade the world ♪
For the good thing she's found ♪
[LAUGHING]
When a girl loves a chicken ♪
I know exactly how ♪
She feels ♪
[YAWNS]
That was the best night's sleep
I've had in ages.
I love you, Meg, and not just because
you have "egg" in your name.
I love you, too, Nugget.
I want to keep seeing you,
but what if our dads find out?
I guess we'll have to live
a lie, like George Santos.
Hi, I'm gay-straight
Jewish Nazi George Santos,
and I approve this message.
Which is to say it's the worst
thing that's happened to me
since I died on 9/11.
Good morning night.
[ANNOUNCER] This was written 18
months ago. New lies not included.
[KNOCKING]
Nugget? What are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood
and thought we could
Netflix and chill or
Peacock and [BLEEP].
[ANNOUNCER] Peacock. Somehow we
don't have Seinfeld or Friends,
and we can't show you The Cosby Show.
Hey, Meg, can you give me a hand
clasping these Mr. T medallions?
I have an event.
Who's your fine-feathered friend?
Dad, this is my boyfriend Nugget.
His father is the giant chicken.
[GASPS]
That's it, young lady,
no Peacock for a month.
No Peacock?
But where will I watch The Croods?
That's not my problem.
[ANNOUNCER] Peacock.
I don't think we have
The West Wing either.
Of all the chickens
Meg could have chosen,
she had to choose that one.
Oh, Peter, you got to back off.
My father never stopped berating me
when I was dating you,
so as an act of defiance
I married you just to spite him.
That seems irrelevant. [SIGHS]
I don't know, Lois, it feels like
I've lost my daughter.
Which means I have two sons.
If I'm lucky, they'll join the army,
and I'll be notified that they both died
on the same day.
[MOURNFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Your two sons died
getting their heads shaved
at orientation.
They didn't even make
it to the barracks.
Oh, the cost of freedom!
Here's a flag we didn't bother to fold.
I really want to thank you
for inviting me to dinner,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
Hey, Nugget, you ever
seen that video of Fabio
getting hit in the face by a goose?
- It's hilarious.
- Not for the goose.
- She was killed.
- Oh, then that's doubly funny.
Fabio's got a bloody
nose and a bird is dead.
Mr. Griffin, that goose had a name.
It was Evelyn. And she had 23 children.
Here, let me show you her GoFundMe page.
What's your guys' Wi-Fi password?
It's "ChickensAreScum," and
then 22 exclamation points.
It's on the bulletin board
for when we Airbnb the house.
Peter, we are not Airbnb-ing the house.
Eh, it might be too late for that.
Hey, is there any soap
in the upstairs bathroom?
If you read the PDF, it said
you had to bring your own soap.
Well, I'll just use the shampoo as soap.
He's a medical student.
You know, you guys are being
very rude to my boyfriend.
- I love him.
- I've had enough.
Meg, I'm giving you an old tomato.
And a final demand
or statement of terms,
the rejection of which
will result in retaliation
or a permanent cessation of relations.
You either break up with
him or you break up with me.
You can't date us both.
Dad, you and I aren't dating.
Oh, so you've made your choice, then.
Well, I'd like my tomato back.
I'll pack my bags.
What bags? She literally owns nothing.
Guys, before I go, I
have one thing to say.
Is this a "pause The Last
of Us" type of conversation
or can I "uh-huh" my way through this?
- Peter, turn it off.
- Uh-huh.
If you don't accept
Nugget, you don't accept me.
I'm moving in with him.
You know what the British
are gonna call this?
Megxit. They're a clever little island.
Meg, please don't go.
You're my only daughter
and I can't imagine living without you.
Plus, I need your vote
to keep a Billy Bass
- out of our living room.
- I'm sorry, Mom.
My decision has been made. Goodbye.
Well, now seems like a good time
to reopen the Billy Bass vote.
All in favor, say aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
- All opposed?
- Nay.
- Present.
- Coward.
Billy Bass approved.
Billy, what do you think Meg's gonna say
to the Uber driver?
Take me to the river ♪
Drop me in the water ♪
Ah, we are thriving without Meg.
Is something wrong, Peter?
You've barely touched our food.
I heard from Bonnie that
Meg moved out of the house
and Lois could never breastfeed.
What? How'd you hear that?
Oh, Bonnie subscribes to a service
that alerts her any
time another mom fails.
- That's wild.
- I know.
Donna gives Cleveland Jr.
unlimited video game time, but
Peter, isn't it weird
with Meg out of the house?
Nah, it's fine. Although,
we got a lot more mice
- around the house now.
- Mice?
Yeah, Meg handled all
our rodent problems.
She used to just squeeze
'em and pop their heads off.
All except one that she'd leave alive
to run and go tell the
story to the others.
Meg's a nice girl.
Yeah, when I remodeled my house,
Meg hauled away all the
discarded insulation.
Don't know what she did with it.
Oh, yeah, Meg's great.
She sold me a ton of
insulation super-cheap.
Oh, my God, you guys are right.
This one time, Meg fell down the stairs
and she and and
she broke her clavicle.
[LAUGHING]
You guys, I think I miss Meg.
Was there gonna be more to
the story about the stairs?
What do you say we go to
the giant chicken's house
and get my daughter back?
- I'm in.
- Let's do it.
So the laughing was 'cause
your daughter hurt herself?
Honey, did you order a fat bag of crap?
Stand aside. I'm here
to get my daughter back.
She's not coming with you.
- She's perfectly happy here.
- Are you sure?
We can make this worth your while.
We're prepared to trade Brittney Griner.
Hey, stop trading me.
I just want to play basketball.
And smoke weed, apparently.
I wasn't smoking it,
I was just carrying it.
Whatever. I'm still
mad we traded for you
instead of that other guy, whose name
I had never heard of and
can no longer remember.
Yeah, that poor guy.
Bring him home, whatever his name is.
Dad, what are you doing here?
Meg, this nonsense has to stop.
You're a Griffin, and
it's time to, uh Do
do your neighbors always
have that bounce house
or is this is it a special occasion?
- I really don't know.
- Okay, yeah, but Meg,
I mean it. We all miss you, and
Oh, a heavy lady's rolling into it.
Probably the aunt who likes to have fun.
Wow, her face got red quick.
Dad, I told you, Nugget and his family
treat me better than you guys ever did.
And I won't be coming home. Dad?
It's a Iron Man house!
Okay, you know what, I think
we need to regroup here.
We're sorry to have bothered you.
I squashed a boy.
Oh, come on, cheer up, Peter.
Look, the best thing to do to
put all this Meg drama behind us
is a fun family activity
that we can all do together.
You know, I was supposed
to be here today anyway,
but then Tyler cancelled
his birthday party.
Ice cream sundae bar with
Haribo brand gummi bears?
[CHILDREN CHANTING] Tyler! Tyler! Tyler!
Hey, Ty. Guess we got
our wires crossed, huh?
I It was a numbers thing.
I think his parents made
him invite the T-ball kids.
[MEG WHOOPS]
All right, Dad! Yeah! [WHOOPS]
- Good job, Giant Chicken!
- Yes!
[SIGHS]
I've lost my daughter.
Come on, gang.
Group selfie for the
family Instagram account.
Everybody say "seeds."
[ALL] Seeds!
Griffin? What do you want?
Um, I, uh
Meg, do you have a flat dollar bill
for the change machine?
I wanted to play the arcades.
- We don't play the arcades.
- Nerds.
Because we have stand-up games
- in our basement rec room.
- Aw.
Guess you'll just have to make do
with your crinkled ones.
[LAUGHING]
Eh.
Honey, the scattered grain is delicious.
- You outdid yourself.
- Well, don't thank me.
Thank the good people at Monsanto,
who make delicious
grain that's packed with
antidepressants and steroids.
I'm so glad you decided
to come live with us, Meg.
Me too.
But I couldn't help feel
a little sorry for my dad
at the bowling alley.
He bowled with the lane guards up.
Without the jeopardy of a gutter ball,
what is bowling?
He just has his own way of doing things.
- Yeah, the wrong way.
- Honey
No, she knows. That's why she left.
No. I left because I love your son,
not because I hate my dad.
Meg, either you hate your dad
or you leave this house.
[GASPS] An old tomato.
You're just like him.
What did you say?
You're just like him.
Wait, I I can't
hit you. You're a girl.
Huh.
[CHICKEN FAMILY SCREAMING]
Oh, Meg, I'm so happy you realized
your place is here at
home with your father.
It really wasn't that.
It's just all my stuff is here.
What stuff?
Also, turns out Nugget's gay.
I saw his texts and it's all tiny cocks.
Oh, "Nugget" Nugget?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]