South Park s23e05 Episode Script

1 RANDY: Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation ANNOUNCER: The Tegridy Farms Halloween Special! RANDY: There's ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor" I'm headin' on down to Tegridy Farms Gonna see if I can't unwind ANNOUNCER: The Tegridy farms Halloween Special, brought to you by ANNOUNCER #2: Tegridy Weed.
[SINGING.]
It's the most wonderful time of the year, Well? You all excited, gang? For Halloween? I guess so.
This isn't just any Halloween, because this week, Tegridy Weed is doing a Halloween Special.
It's a big promotional thing.
Everyone's gonna love it.
Hey, where's Shelly? Shelly hasn't come out of her room in two days.
Why? You know why, Randy.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Shelly.
Can I talk to you for a minute? What do you want? Come on, kiddo.
Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on, punk.
Shelly, we need to talk about your marijuana problem.
You know, what's your problem with it? I hate marijuana.
Yes, we all know! But why? It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are.
Shelly, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed.
Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed? Yes.
Everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pot head.
Way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world? Serena Williams.
Total stoner.
High as a kite every tennis match.
No she's not! You don't know that, Shelly.
Now you're just making assumptions.
Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish marijuana was illegal again! [GASPS.]
Shelly! Okay, look, the thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana it's just got to stop, okay.
We're working on our Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it.
I love you.
Whoa.
Very impressive.
Indeed.
Find anything good, Butters? One minute, dad.
Archaeologist Butters just needs to get his stamp and sticker for his artifact book.
Ha ha! Another rare find.
Well, did you all enjoy the museum, gang? Wait.
Wait.
We can't leave yet.
I got all the stickers and stamps except for one.
Well, I'm pretty sure we saw the whole exhibit.
Can I just check around one more time? Alright, Archaeologist Butters.
But then meet us back right here.
Okay! What you are seeing here are original knots which were joining the main pieces of the kufu boat.
The cedar timbers of the boat's hull were lashed together with hemp rope in a technique used until the RANDY: Whoa.
Whoa.
Wait just one second.
Are you actually saying that hemp, a classification of cannabis, was actually used by the ancient Egyptians? Well, yes.
In fact, it's been found that cannabis was used by Egyptians for its medical properties, as well.
Hold the freaking phone.
You're telling us that marijuana has been used throughout the centuries Is this why you brought me here? No, I I'm just-I'm surprised that You said you wanted a special day with just your daughter.
You said a father-daughter day at the museum could help us connect.
And it is, Shelly.
We're having a great time.
I don't care if Egyptians used stupid pot! She has a marijuana problem.
Shelly! Been there.
Saw that.
Where's that stupid last sticker-stamp? What's this? Whoa.
Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty.
This is it! My last sticker! That's the mummy of Took-Tan-ra.
You don't want to put that stamp in your sticka book.
Nobody puts that stamp in their sticka book.
But this is my last one.
It's got a curse on it Ancient love curse not fit for any child.
You can look at the mummy all you like, but you don't want that stamp in ya sticka book.
[LAUGHS.]
That's okay.
I'm no ordinary child.
I am Archaeologist Butters.
Happy Halloween, mister! Yeah, for some of us, maybe.
It's just so hard being a parent sometimes, you know? I've tried everything to get through to my daughter.
I took her to a laser show.
I played her all of "Dark Side of the Moon.
" But it's like It's like there's something in her head that just doesn't get it.
That's rough, Randy.
I'm sorry.
I just, I have to live my life, you know? I can't let her problems with marijuana drag me down anymore.
No, you're right.
You're totally right.
So, anyway, hey, how's the Halloween Special coming along? The Halloween Special? Oh, it's ready.
It's ready? Yeah.
It's right over here.
Oh, wow! The Halloween Special! I'm so excited to try it! Yeah, it's basically a hybrid of our Tegridy Gold and Colorado Kush.
Turned out really great, I think.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, wow.
That is nice.
I'd like to see anyone compete with this Halloween Special.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[LOUD BANG.]
[SINGLE KNOCK.]
Mom? [TWO KNOCKS.]
Dad? [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
What? Oh.
Okay.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
That's okay.
Yeah, that's okay.
There you go.
[GROANS LIGHTLY.]
For-For me? Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, wow! A Fitbit! [GROANS LIGHTLY.]
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
I I actually already have a Fitbit, but I could give this one to a friend! [GROANS.]
I just I have one, so Furniture polish, paint thinner, and bleach.
Ammonia and antifreeze, one tablespoon each.
I hate everybody.
I just like to read.
Everyone's stupid.
They smoke too much weed.
So, with this eldrich potion, and these ancient words, I make my revenge upon all the turds.
[KNOCKING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Butters Stotch? - Yes, sir.
We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night.
What happened in town? People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy.
It killed five people, and destroyed everything it could.
Oh.
A mummy, huh? That's That's weird.
Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy says you two got in some kind of altercation last night.
What? The mummy talked to you? Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy "got into an argument over a gift which you didn't seem to appreciate"? There was no argument.
I just said I already had it, and I'd give it to a friend.
A present that the mummy got for you? - I just - You can see how that could be pretty hurtful? Did you throw the mummy out of your house? No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me, and left! You're gonna have to share in the damages, here, son.
But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay look, officers.
I think I'm under some kind of curse.
Well, that's what the mummy told us about you.
You've got a summons to appear in court.
Until then, I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other.
Oh, man.
I really like it.
Yeah.
It's smooth.
It's really smooth.
This is so good that we should stop smoking it right now.
We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever.
[SCREAMS.]
Shelly! That's what I think of your stupid special! No! No! PC PRINCIPAL: Alright, everyone, listen up.
Halloween has almost arrived, and I want to make sure that we are all aware of certain guidelines when it comes to Halloween costumes at school.
Now, I don't want to see any fucking sombreros! Alright? If I see any fucking Mexican sombreros, or anyone fucking dressed like a fucking Native American, I'm gonna lose my fucking shit.
There will be no hobos or bums anything depicting people from low-income households.
Oh, no Halloween for you, Kenny.
And lastly, heed my fucking words if I see any of you girls dressed as fucking Moana, I am gonna lose my fucking mind.
Alright, now, the student book fair is coming up next week.
We encourage all students to be able to [CRASHING.]
And that's all that happened.
I put that stamp in the sticker book, and now this mummy is destroying everything around me.
- I need help.
- M'kay.
A-And do you feel like maybe the mummy's trying to, you know, get you to react? - Well, what do you mean? - Well, you know, Butters, the mummy just feels like you get to do whatever you want but it doesn't get to do whatever it wants.
Wait, the mummy talked to you, too?! Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk.
Yeah.
Why is it talking to everyone?! I think the mummy's very insightful and cares about you a lot No, it doesn't! This is crazy! Look, the mummy's just sad because you get to go to school and have fun and what does the mummy get to do? You know, it just sits around being a mummy, you know.
- That's not fair.
- First of all, I don't have fun at school! And secondly, the mummy can do whatever it wants.
I don't care! Right, but you do care, Butters, because you're sitting here in my office talking about all the bad things the mummy does, m'kay? [SIGHS.]
Randy! Quick! You gotta come see! I just need some time, okay Towelie? But you don't understand! The special! Well, it's a miracle! Come on! You're not gonna believe it! Alright, Towelie, what is this Whoa! ["CREEPSHOW" MUSIC PLAYS.]
The Halloween special Whatever your daughter threw on this shit made it more powerful than ever.
Yeah! We're back! Yeah! Yeah! Ye I have to end this curse, fellas.
It's getting worse everyday.
Last night, the mummy attacked my parents! And then it said I was being narcissistic! It has no reason.
No logic.
One minute it's destroying everything and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing happened! Look! The whole thing is so crazy, It's starting to make me think I'm crazy! Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?! We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems - a little co-dependent.
- Yeah, like you and the mummy just need to do your own thing sometimes.
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear you guys, mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere and I actually start having a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin', "Hey, what are ya doin'?" Like it knows.
Well, you're kinda having fun now, aren't you? Yeah, it is fun to get away and just talk to you guys about it.
- [SHOUTING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [GROANING.]
Ah, gosh darn it.
Hang on a second, fellas.
[HUMMING.]
Ok, that should be enough Halloween Special for the first few people.
Now, I think we should put the open bar in this area and the hot tub maybe right here.
Yeah, that'll work well.
Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.
[CHUCKLING.]
W-What? Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick or treating.
- You're going to a book fair.
- Yes.
- On fucking Halloween?! - Yes! I don't even know how to deal with you anymore.
You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? You're my dad.
Drive me to the book fair! I will not! I have things to get ready! And nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelley! The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [SHOUTING.]
Oh, my God! It's a nightmare.
It's a personal hell.
I've done everything I can as a father to help her with her problem, but she just ignores everything I say! I can't do this.
You're such a piece of shit, Dad! [SHOUTS.]
Shelley, I love you! And what does her mother have to say about this? Her mother doesn't say anything anymore! Whenever I bring up our daughter's marijuana problem, my wife says, "I'm gonna lose my mind if you bring this up again.
" It's destroying all of us! I just think maybe a night in jail is the wake-up call that she needs.
I'm barely gonna have fun at the Halloween Special now.
It's gonna be really hard for me to rage knowing you're in here, Shelley.
It's gonna be really hard for me to rage.
Alright, here you go.
When you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, you hurt everyone around you.
Happy Halloween.
BUTTERS: What are you in for? I'm in here because apparently I'm a passive-aggressive, controlling, and manipulative psychopath who's narcissistic behavior drives other people crazy.
Turn this mutha out Oaktown posse they will Turn this mutha out Hey, trick or treat.
We're here for the Halloween Special? Alright, here you go guys! That's a promotional gift from Tegridy Farms! Hey, come on in guys.
There's candy and a hot tub! Alright! Samplers of the special are there on the table guys.
Feel free to light up! Wow! We're almost out, Randy.
I gotta go to the barn and get some more! Okay, I'll hold down the fort! Turn this mutha out Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack W-What? [CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BARN GROWLS.]
So I said, 'Okay! Fine! You don't ever do anything wrong.
It's all me.
You've got no problems.
Only I have problems! Alright, I'll lock my own ass up.
Then we'll see who's got issues.
Will you shut up! I'll be in here and something will go horribly wrong tonight and then the monster will have to accept what it is and finally work on changing, right? Probably not.
Nah, you see, fluvial geomorphology deals with the ways rivers change over time.
[INHALES.]
It's geology shit.
It's why I got out of it, really.
Hey, man, what's in this weed? Oh! That's a company secret, my friend! No I mean, I I don't feel so [SHOUTING GARGLING.]
Hey, you alright there, buddy? [SHOUTING.]
Whoa! Dude, you see that? [GROANING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[BOTH SHOUTING.]
Towelie, there's something wrong with the special! There's something in the barn! The thing you killed, it wants revenge! Oh, Jesus, what's happened?! It's dead 'cause-a you, and now it wants your soul! What?! What's dead 'cause-a me?! Oh, hello there.
Would you like to die? [SCREAMING.]
Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Detective Harris! Something's going down at the Marsh farm! Calm down, sir! I can't understand you.
Put him on speaker.
- [TELEPHONE CLICKS.]
- There's monsters everywhere! It's some kind of curse! Unspeakable evil! The mummy! I told you! All different kinds of monsters! Zombies and plant people and bears! Oh, my God! What's that?! Oh, God, it's Harvey Weinstein! He's got me! You gotta Oh, he's inside me! Harvey Weinstein is inside me! You gotta send help! People are dying everywhere! No! Harvey, I said no! Please somebody This is it, everyone.
Let's move! All hands on deck! We gotta take these monsters down! Bring the kid who manipulates the mummy with his passive aggressive selfishness! [LOCK CLANGING.]
[SIRENS WAILING, TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GUNS COCKING.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
Alright, men! Let's take these monsters out! No, just hold on a second.
I'll take care of this! [SHOUTING.]
[MOOING.]
Oh, God, it's the cows we killed! [SCREAMING.]
Oh, I'm really going to enjoy eating your brains.
- [RANDY AND TOWELIE SHOUTING.]
- Get em off a me! Get em off a me! Oh, my God, get him off of me! - [RANDY AND TOWELIE SHOUTING.]
- Get em off me! Help! Someone help us! - Someone help us! - Get him off of me! - Ahh! We gotta fight 'em, Towelie! - Help! Someone help us! - I wanna live! - We're going to live! We're going to live! You monsters, go back to Hell! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
TOGETHER: There's too many of them! [SHOUTING.]
Oh, what is what is that?! No! No! [GRUMBLING.]
Alright! That's it everyone! Nothing to see here.
Just some people who are really, really high.
- I can't shoot anyone? You were so convinced the mummy was to blame for everything, weren't you? So convinced you made us all believe it, too.
I'm I'm sorry? Yeah, well it's not us you really need to be sorry to.
[SAD MUSIC PLAYS.]
Let's see if you even have a shred of decency to apologize when something is clearly your fault.
I'm so sorry.
You're right.
I can be selfish and narcissistic.
I-I'm gonna work on myself and try to make this curse work somehow.
[GROANING.]
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
It says, "I hope you can get the help you need.
I can't fix you.
" [YAWNS.]
Hey, guess I slept in late, huh? What time is it? It's 8:15 a.
m.
November 3rd.
Oof, wow.
That was some strong-ass Halloween Special, y'all.
I mean I saw rapists in the hot tub, zombie cows I thought I was gonna die, and then this fat, bitchy angel came and put me to bed.
Did everyone enjoy the Halloween Special? No, Randy, only you did.
Oh Well, that was pretty much my target audience, anyway.
Hey, at least I didn't really have butt sex with Harvey Weinstein, huh? Huh? Or did I? Whoo! Happy Halloween, everybody!