Family Guy s23e06 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
[TV ANNOUNCER] We now
return to Jack Ryan,
starring the guy who used
to smirk a lot on The Office.
Jack, we launched the drone
strike against the terrorists
like you suggested, but
hit a hospital instead.
What are you doing? Six people died.
[LAUGHS] Oh, I get it.
The joke is his hair isn't fully combed.
Wait, what happened?
Oh, your mom bought an app
that cuts power to the TV
once I've reached my
daily screen time limit.
[LOIS] Peter, the app says that
- I know!
- Keep it down, guys.
I'm trying to land a 757 in Dubai
with a crosswind and
a broken landing gear.
For the last week,
Brian's been getting into
some stupid flight simulator game.
It's not stupid. And
I'm fairly amazing at it.
Earlier, I landed in Texas,
not gonna tell you the city
'cause it affects the joke,
but when I landed, I said,
"Houston, we don't have a problem."
What? What was the city?
[TIRES SQUEAL]
And another perfect
landing. Check it out.
Oh, I can't even look at
screens over shoulders.
- Lois said.
- [LOIS] Peter, the app just
I'm not looking!
All right, time to finally
organize this closet.
Let's see what we got. Uh
Packaging from every
Apple product we own
'cause it seems too
nice to just throw away.
Oh, look it's Mommy's
old Easy-Bake Oven
from when she was a girl.
If it's not big enough for
you to stick your head in,
I have no interest.
Stewie, you might
like playing with this.
Ooh, I'll go get a rag to clean it.
Don't bother. I don't need
your stupid garbage girl toys
from the 1940s, grandma!
I love trucks and dinosaurs
Oh, my God, Rupert, I've
always wanted an Easy-Bake Oven!
Oh, I haven't been this
excited since we watched
the series finale of Caillou.
["DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'"
BY JOURNEY PLAYING]
[ENTRY BELL RINGS]
Don't stop believin' ♪
[ENTRY BELL RINGS]
Hold on to that feelin' ♪
Street lights, people ♪
Oh, ah ♪
- [ENTRY BELL RINGS]
- Don't stop ♪
Huh. Looks like Jerome's switching
to all recycled paper goods.
Joe, don't punish us just
'cause you forgot your phone.
I didn't forget it. I asked
Bonnie why she looked so tired
and she hucked it in the pool.
Whew, pretty windy out there.
Feels like 21 knots coming
in from the southwest.
Right, Quagmire?
What What is this?
Ah, nothing, I'm just
talking a little shop with you
now that I've officially
entered your world.
"Entered my world"?
Yeah, I've been totally crushing it
on this flight simulator
app, and now I realize
flying a plane is nowhere
near as hard as I thought.
Brian, don't belittle the
expertise my job requires.
Playing a game on an iPad and
flying a commercial airliner
are two very different things.
Whoa, running into a
bit of headwind here.
Brian, there is no way you
could ever do what I do.
Has anybody ever made a joke
about the quality of paper straws?
Because I just thought
of a pretty hot take.
[CHIMES]
Stewie, what is that incredible smell?
Just a simple pizza I
thought Rupert might like.
You know, since he's
a basic little bitch
who shops at Filene's.
Well, it's delicious.
Almost as good as Caserta's.
Thanks, but Caserta's is no Arturo's.
Ever had Arturo's?
No, but nothing can top DePetrillo's.
Mr. DePetrillo is from Sicily
and makes all the dough
by hand every morning.
Did I tell you I met him?
No, no, I would've remembered
because I wouldn't have cared.
Stewie, this is amazing pizza.
You know, I feel like maybe
you and I could open up
a really successful
boutique pizza place.
Are you serious? I'm in.
But mostly to get a Michelin star.
It's always been my dream
to have my culinary talents
validated in print by a tire company.
[ENGINES WHIRRING]
Okay, and final thing
before we push back,
which six seats do you
want to disable the TVs on?
- Morning, boys.
- Brian? What are you doing?
Only qualified personnel
are allowed in here.
Then why do all pilots
leave the door open
when people are boarding?
We We're supposed to help hand out
mileage plan credit card applications.
But why are you even here?
You're going to Orlando?
Yeah. I took what you said
the other night to heart
and I've enrolled in a flight
training school in Florida
called Huffman Aviation.
Isn't Isn't that where
the 9/11 hijackers trained?
I don't know, I just used a coupon.
Just take your seat.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I-I mean,
would you like to earn 10,000
bonus miles by applying today
for the Transnational
Airlines Mastercard?
Hey there, how are you doing?
Just so you know, as of this year,
I'm allowed to hit you as hard as I can.
Out of my way!
- [RETCHING]
- Jim, are you okay?
I think he's got food poisoning.
It must've been that sack
lunch of leftover shrimp
from his niece's wedding.
Well, thank God you didn't have any.
Well, actually, he kept waving
the bag in my face and asking,
"Does this taste funny to you?"
I-I didn't want to be rude.
- [GURGLES]
- [MOANS]
Ah! It's coming!
Don't worry, Quagmire, I can take over.
Are you crazy? You could
never in a million yea
[FARTS]
Ah! Son of a bitch!
Dammit! Get out of the way!
I'm gonna have to take a boy band.
- What does that mean?
- "In sink."
I also would've accepted
"back-streak boys."
And it's definitely
coming out at "98 degrees"
in "one direction."
In any case, it's all gonna
sound and smell terrible.
- [MOANS]
- I'm taking over.
No, Brian, don't you touch anything!
Look, I got this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare for landing.
[FEMALE PASSENGER] Hey,
my TV stopped working.
[MALE PASSENGER] And now mine's working.
[SCREAMING]
- Lower your flaps more and
- [FARTS]
- ease off the throttle.
- Roger that.
[SCREAMING]
[CHEERING]
I don't believe it. He
actually pulled it off.
Welcome to Orlando. And as a reminder,
there are a few passengers who
have a very short turnaround
to meet their drug dealers,
so if you could clear the aisle
and let them off first, that'd be great.
- Excuse me.
- Pardon me.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, guys.
Today, we honor two brave citizens
who showed coolness under pressure
to get that plane safely on the ground.
Now, if someone could hold
these giant scissors
I needed them for the thing before this,
and the thing after
this, but not for this.
Brian, Glenn, please accept
these keys to the city.
A lot about being mayor
is having enormous junk drawer things.
[OVERLAPPING QUESTIONS]
Gentlemen, Tom Tucker, Channel 5 News.
Quite an honor for you two today.
Is there a question in there?
Honestly, Tom, I was just
grateful to be on scene
- and able to help.
- Terrific.
So, two-part question for both of you:
Brian, does the weather outside today
- seem "comfortable"?
- No.
And, Glenn, if you were
a producer and you said
to your talent that it was
"comfortable" outside
[PRODUCER] Could've brought a
coat, Tom. I'm not your mother.
Well, that'll do it from City Hall.
This is Tom Tucker
reporting live on the scene
because it's close to
my son's karate thing.
Hi, you two. I'm Keith, the
lowest-level executive possible
from Transnational Airlines.
Listen, you two are
great on camera together,
and people love this
feel-good story of heroism.
We'd like to send you both
on a multi-state press tour
to share your story.
Really? That'd be amazing.
Eh, I don't know
It'll be great PR. You
saved a ton of lives.
You're actually friends.
And we could use something like this
after that toilet
flush sucked in a baby.
Yeah, I'm not sure a press tour is
And I forgot to mention
that, as a pilot,
you are contractually obligated
to represent the airline to the media.
- Oh.
- Come on, Quagmire,
we might actually have fun
together on a press tour.
I mean, crazier things have happened.
Look at Pete Davidson's love life.
I just text them back promptly.
That's it. That's the secret.
Stewie, the line is huge.
How did we get so many
customers right out of the gate?
Oh, I-I see, you're
calling us a pop-up.
Oh, yeah, you do that and
white people go frickin' crazy.
- I saw this place on Facebook.
- I saw it on TikTok.
I read a blurb in Parade magazine.
Did you know LeAnn Rimes is
happier than she's ever been?
- Can I get a slice?
- Okay, let's start with the easy one:
We don't do "slices."
Next, you can start
by scanning the QR code
to enter yourself in the raffle.
Ooh, is that an Android? Here.
What's this, your website?
No, it's the number for Domino's.
Take a hike, idiot.
[ANNOUNCER] Domino's. We meet
the legal definition of "pizza."
Pharmacy.
Refill a prescription.
Refill a prescription.
Representative.
Speak to a representative.
Will you quit doing personal crap
and focus on our interview?
Okay, we're almost ready,
but just so we get the
on-screen labels correct,
you're the one who landed the plane,
and you're the one
who pooped in the sink?
[SIGHS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome back to Good Morning, Akron,
Ohio's only opioid-free morning show.
Brian, Glenn, how do you prepare
for an emergency like this?
Well, all pilots are highly trained
There's no training
for a moment like this.
You're just relying
on pure gut instinct.
But when you've landed at
as many airports as I have
On an iPad.
you draw on that experience
It's an app that costs $2.99.
to the point where it's
almost like muscle memory.
You can also get the app for free,
but you have to sit through
a lot of ads for the Army.
These guys are good. We
gotta get this on the road.
- Wheels up, Jack.
- It's Jacqueline now.
And back to HR I go.
You know, when you take
off, you never think
you're gonna see your
pilot pooping in the sink.
But a real hero knows that's
when you have to step up.
Well, it's a good
question, but I think I knew
within a couple minutes
of taking the first bite.
You only end up using like
three of those buttons.
I thought those guys
were, like, geniuses.
Well, I've read that shrimp is
actually supposed to be cooked
to 140 degrees Fahrenheit.
[IMITATES PLANE ENGINE]
[IMITATES TIRES SQUEALING]
[CHUCKLES] I-I can't do the
noises, but y-you get it.
[MOANS]
Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea.
I can't do the noises, but you get it.
Stewie, check it out.
Dave Portnoy from Barstool Sports
just tweeted he's coming
to our restaurant tomorrow
to do one of his One Bite Pizza Reviews.
Awesome. Who's Dave Portnoy?
He's like if a high-school
athlete got one genie wish.
But he also happens to be
one of the most influential
pizza place kingmakers on the internet.
Really? Chris, that's fantastic.
I know.
And we better get started now,
'cause he likes his pizza extra crispy.
Uh, wh what was that?
Oh, this is not good.
The light bulb in the
Easy-Bake Oven burned out.
That's fine, we have tons
of light bulbs in the house.
Chris, we're in trouble.
This is a custom bulb from the 1960s.
It's 200 watts
and made with 40% lead.
There's literally nobody
who would have a light bulb this old.
There might be one person.
Oh, there you are, Jesse.
Man, Arnie is so excited for you guys
to do this ad for him.
So, what, now we're pitchmen?
Guys, this is free
advertising for the airline,
and we could use the distraction.
We, uh we dragged another
Asian doctor off a plane.
Okay, let's roll it.
Hi, I'm local hero Brian Griffin.
And I'm Glenn "Diarrhea" Quagmire.
If you're looking to buy a car,
you want to make a smooth landing,
not take a dump in the sink.
That's right. So, come on down
to Brockner Toyota for
some explosive deals.
If you're hunting for a car,
don't pull a "Quagmire."
Sorry, sorry, what the hell is this?
Oh, Mr. Brockner always likes
to have some humor in his ads.
Humor? Some fat guy pretending to be me
pooping in a sink is the humor?
Damn it, Brian, that's enough.
I was in the military,
and I have worked for
25 years in aviation.
My whole life, I dreamed that someday,
maybe I'd even have my own
Sully Sullenberger moment.
But it'll never happen now.
Have you tried Googling
me? It's just this!
Yeah. Wow, and if you
Google Image "diarrhea,"
it's just pictures of
you and George Brett.
Not only am I not getting
the respect I deserve,
but I'm the punchline in a story
where you're the hero. You!
You know what, I quit.
Wait, you can't quit the press tour.
It's in your contract.
Plus, we've still got
one more event to do.
Oh, I'm finishing the press tour.
A pilot always lands the plane.
I meant that I quit being a pilot.
- Where are you going?
- To be alone and think.
This is how pilots do it.
I bought a mattress at the wrong store.
[ANNOUNCER] Don't "Quagmire" the bed.
Shop the Weekapaug Sleep Outlet.
This mattress commercial
feels very similar to
that car commercial.
[TRASH CAN RATTLES]
What the hell's Quagmire doing?
It looks like he's throwing
away all his pilot uniforms.
Yeah, he, uh
he said he was quitting his job.
I think the press tour's
been a little rough on him.
He's throwing out the pants, too?
Those are just blue pants.
Someone could wear those.
"Rough on him?" In in what way?
I don't know, like maybe he feels bad
I stole his thunder
by landing his plane.
This shirt with those blue pants?
Could be a sweet look for the club.
Well, I watched those interviews, Brian.
You weren't exactly gracious to him.
Or maybe the night before a wedding.
I'm getting those pants.
Lois, this is not my fault.
Was I supposed to not land that plane?
And, come on, it's not
like Quagmire's a saint.
You know what he's like.
Yes, we all know the bad
things about Quagmire,
but you took away his one good thing.
If nothing else, he's always
been an outstanding pilot.
It's the only thing anyone
ever respected about him.
Lois is right, Brian.
Wearing that pilot's
hat means something.
It's one of the few remaining hat jobs.
[SIGHS] You guys are right.
I gotta fix things with Quagmire.
In fact, I'm gonna see him tomorrow
for our last press appearance,
and I know just how
to make things better.
Is the room getting
spinny to anyone else?
Peter, take those pants off.
I can't, my arms are numb.
So, what's the plan? We just ask
for one of his light
bulbs from the 1960s?
Oh, no way.
Mr. Herbert's really weird
about his possessions.
He lived through the Depression,
so he hangs onto everything.
Oh, well, look who it is.
Do come in.
What brings you boys by?
Actually, Mr. Herbert,
I, uh, noticed a new mole on my thigh
and wanted to ask if it
looks misshapen to you.
[GULPS]
Well, let's have a little look-see.
Oh
There's not one book in
here that's a real book.
[STRAINS]
Ah! Damn it.
There it is. What do you think?
Merciful heavens.
[MOANS]
Ah, got it.
- [MUFFLED SHOUTING]
- Do you hear
those muffled cries in the next room?
It's the TV.
Doesn't sound like the
We've got pizza to make. It's the TV.
Look, I know you're still mad,
but this is our last event,
so let's make the best of it.
[GASPS]
- [CROWD EXCLAIMS]
- Oh, my God. Is he okay?
Say, will you look at that?
Seems like maybe it's
someone's big chance
to step up and be the hero.
What? What's going on?
I may have unplugged his insulin pump,
but I'm guessing somebody
knows how to drive this thing.
Why the hell would I
know how to drive a boat?
I don't I mean,
isn't it all kind of the same thing?
[SCREAMING]
You really "Quagmire'd"
this whole thing, Brian.
God, now I'm doing it.
Dave Portnoy's gonna be here
any minute to do his review.
Oh, God, I think that's him.
Hey, how you doing?
Dave Portnoy from Barstool Sports.
Wow. Welcome, Mr. Portnoy.
Aw, come on, please. Call me Dave.
"Mr. Portnoy" is how I'm
referred to in court documents.
Well, we are very excited for you
to "One Bite Review" our pizza Dave.
[SNIFFS]
Whoa, spectacular undercarriage.
Zero flop. I am hopeful.
Oh, this pizza's amazing.
Once I post my review,
you guys'll have a
line from here to Boston
filled with nothing but UFC
fans and insurrectionists.
Did you hear that, Stewie?
We're gonna be rich.
Sorry, but the health
department sent me over
- to ask a few questions.
- Okay.
- Do you have a business license?
- No.
- Do you have proper refrigeration?
- No.
Did either of you wash your hands
- before making this pizza?
- No.
Have either of you
ever washed your hands?
- No.
- Are either of you
currently crapping your pants?
- Yes.
- A little bit, yes.
Okay, listen. I'm not here
to give you a hard time.
You're a small business.
I'm willing to let this stuff slide.
Oh, uh, there's one other question here.
Do you have a handicap access ramp?
No.
You people are animals!
I'm shutting this place down.
Well, Chris, we had a good run.
We sure did.
Hey, Meg, where'd you get those pants?
They were just on the ground.
Well, I'm off to the club.
Come on, stupid boat.
Okay, I think if I can just point us
a bit more that way
Oh, crap, it's the Block Island ferry!
[SHIP HORN BLOWS]
Aw, snap!
Don't try to appear young right now.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[SHIP HORN BLOWS]
[SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
[SIGHS]
Damn it, Brian, look what you did!
What the hell were you thinking?
I'm so sorry, Quagmire.
I just saw how much you'd been hurt
by all that had happened,
and I guess I just wanted to give you
your Sully Sullenberger moment.
I clearly screwed that
up, but the truth is
you're a hero every day
just by getting people
safely to their destination.
Oh.
Wow. Thanks, Brian.
And, hey, on the bright side,
you saved all these
people on the duck boat.
The media will definitely recognize you
as a hero now.
A duck boat helmed by
local diarrhea celebrity Glenn Quagmire
collided with a ferry today,
blocking the only shipping
lane into Quahog Harbor.
The complete blockage will
result in months-long delays
in the delivery of goods,
including shipments of
hops for beer-making,
acne medicine, and hair dye for men.
Mmm, this used to be a town
where a man could keep a secret.
Well, Brian, thanks to you,
every store shelf in town is empty,
but at least you landed that plane.
No one can ever take that away from you.
The FAA released data today
from the black box of a plane
that recently saw an emergency landing
by civilian passenger Brian Griffin.
According to the newly recovered data,
the airplane's autopilot system
actually landed the plane
- and not Brian.
- [QUAGMIRE] Ha!
That's our show for tonight.
And now, the Channel Five theme music
while our audio guy
forgets to mute my mic.
Anyway, as I was saying,
in exchange for sex,
I'll help advance your career.