Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s23e06 Episode Script

Hee-hee! That's what I call a trolley! Probably the finest trolley in captivity.
That's because you made it.
That's because I'm encouraging you to like it, because I've decided that YOU ought to road-test it.
Eh? If everybody's in love with this trolley, how come I'M the one who's got to ride it? You've got the legs for it.
I noticed instantly.
Come on, Smiler, it'll put some sparkle back into your life.
What makes you think I haven't got sparkle? Just a wild guess.
Sparkle - you need a jump start.
Be honest, you've lost your taste for simple pleasures.
What's simple about risking your life in that? There's almost no risk.
Nearly.
Once, you'd have been thrilled to bits to risk your life in this.
It's time you recaptured the thrill of things, rediscovered your childlike joy.
Have you never fancied something small round the house? I've got one.
The trick is KEEPING it round the house.
What does he want another knobbly stick for when he's got legs like that? They're great legs.
They were a gift.
Not from anybody who loved you.
I'm a lover of tradition.
They used to carry these in the old daysfor personal protection.
Must have been awkward in a shoulder-holster.
I've nearly finished this one.
I can soon do one each for you two.
I don't see anything ever replacing the truncheon in my affections.
You'll never get a better offer.
Hmm.
The question that springs to mind, Billy, is what would we want one for? Well, then, we'd all have one.
Yes, yes, I can follow it THAT far, but, er, what would we do with them? Well, we could practise self-defence Quarterstaff skills.
He means hitting each other with sticks.
No, no, I don't think so, Billy.
I don't think I shall ever be fond of being hit with a stick.
You'd be surprised what you learn in the vice squad.
You use the staff to STOP yourself being hit with a stick.
But it's even simpler if nobody is hitting you with a stick in the first place.
You've no sense of adventure.
You say that to me, who once asked for change on a pay-as-you-enter bus! You didn't! What happened? I began to question the whole idea of progress.
I've heard she's going to Australia.
Oh, Australia! That's going to cost her a pretty penny.
Oh! Oh! Oh-h What's he doing? A bit of bad acting.
He's working up to trying some excuse for going out.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, oh Oh! He's really quite good at bad acting.
It's his style.
Howard never underplays.
After a build-up like that, I can't wait to hear his excuse.
It's usually a lulu.
A typical Howard mixture of devious and daft.
Oh, he must provide you with hours of amusement.
Began on our honeymoon and we've never looked back.
Oh, oh, dear This library book - I thought I'd find it interesting.
Actually, it's very boring.
I think I might go out and change my library book.
Off you go, then.
You don't mind if I go out alone to change this library book? I don't mind.
I mean, far be it from me to stand between you and some literary experience.
Heaven forbid! Even if it is some old volume that's worn at the edges.
You may as well go out, cos Roz and I are going out.
To where? Oh, we don't think it's wise to disclose the exact whereabouts.
That strikes me as a bit underhand.
Oh, no, a LOT underhand would be closer.
I demand to know what you're up to.
We don't think you're ready for it.
No, the least said, the better.
You know how people talk.
I demand to know what there is to talk about.
We're working on it.
But what do YOU care? You'll be off looking for romance and adventure at the library.
Fits him like a shroud.
Like a glove.
I mean, like a glove.
Why did I say "shroud"? Suppose it crashes.
She'll take a few knocks, will this.
What about ME?! You can't expect me to guarantee the workmanship in YOU.
Be fair.
You are the wizard of the handcart.
Why should it crash? You've got steering control.
Just don't hit anything.
That's the best idea - just don't hit anything.
How long do you think I'm going to have to do this kind of thing before I rediscover a childish sense of joy? It shouldn't take long.
We don't anticipate any problem there.
No.
One ride and you'll probably be hooked.
Yeah, on a tree.
To the right Right, now left.
It looks pretty steep.
You need a slope to get the thrill of the thing.
Can we start with a smaller thrill? Remember what we agreed - just don't hit anything.
You keep saying that.
It's good advice.
Are you ready? Not really.
That's close enough.
Off you go.
It's going well.
I think he's feeling the thrill already.
Where's the brake?! BOTH: Just don't hit anything! You see? Oof! That's the lunge! Agh! And that's the parry.
Oh, Lunge and Parry.
I caught their act once at the old Empire(!) It's all right you two taking the wee-wee.
I'm trying to revitalise an ancient craft here.
I still think we should all have one.
We'd be very popular on buses.
They're not for going on buses.
This is your pedestrian weapon.
In the right hands, you can stop anybody with this.
Was that Smiler? I believe it was.
Morning, Smiler! I thought you could stop anything with that.
Came at me unawares, didn't he? I'll be ready next time.
Have you seen? Smiler always looks as though he's ready for an accident - I think it's probably arrived.
Well, what do you expect when some idiot of HIS age goes racing on a trolley? Well, don't ask me.
I believe in happy endings.
Me too.
I'm a romantic.
I'm very tall for a romantic, but I'm dedicated.
I'm surrounded by civilian sweeties.
Just when you could do with a lift, there's nobody coming.
For three of us?! How do you figure that out? I told you this pole would come in handy.
A man's best friend is his quarterstaff.
How's your best friend, Billy? Bit too close at the minute.
Usually, all you get on a pole is a parrot.
Who's a pretty boy, then? I hope she doesn't mind getting involved with us, this young ladywhoever she is.
My one fear is that we'll all end up in a tangled heap.
You did well, me old Smiler.
If you have to go through something, better a hedge than a wall.
How's the trolley? Never mind the trolley! Get me out! Aargh! This is no good.
Let's try the other side.
Why didn't you come through the gate? There's a gate two yards away.
I was aiming for the gate.
Argh! Argh! We're going to need some help.
Oh! Oh! Go steady! Go steady! Stop moaning! You're coming.
But my trousers aren't! We'll worry about those later.
Oh, you're looking better already.
Isn't he looking better already? One adventure and he's looking better! I don't feel better.
He's looking different I'll get the trolley, you get your trousers on.
I can't go out in the road like this.
Not only a fearless racer, but modest with it.
It's the police! Alien abduction - I saw it on the telly.
They can suck you out of your boots.
There's not a trace left of him.
What kind of creature could empty a body like that? I don't know, but I hope it's not lurking behind that hedge.
If it IS aliens, you do realise it's down to us to defend our earthly civilisation.
We're supposed to be off at two.
Who's on after us? Er, WPC Lomax.
That's good.
Lomax is good.
Aye, let HER save earthly civilisation.
On the other hand, we're trained for this type of emergency.
What do you think? I think I wish we'd have gone the other road home.
You're right - we HAVE gone the other road home.
I'm going to turn round now and go home by the other road.
I'm not getting involved in this.
The brakes! Howard, the brakes! BRAKES SCREECH Can't anybody stop this? Go on, try the brakes, try the brakes! See? THEY could hit the gate.
Why couldn't YOU hit the gate? Come on.
Wait for me! Now what? Do you think maybe we should have done more? We should.
Why aren't you arguing with me? Any other time, you'd be arguing.
I think you're right.
We should have done more.
Even if it IS still lurking behind that hedge.
You keep bringing that up.
It's for your own safety.
I'LL be all right.
I'm going to stay in the car.
We're BOTH going to look.
Duty calls.
It'll have to speak up - I'm deaf.
Come on.
It's down to us - boys in blue - that's what we're for.
I told the wife I wouldn't be late.
You've lied to her before.
The lady can dry off in the cab - there's a heater.
Rest of you can wave your trousers in the slipstream.
They'll soon dry.
That's something I've always wanted to do - ride in the back of a Land Rover, wearing no trousers.
Can't be worse than going through a hedge without your trousers.
You won't let it die! Do you think I ought to ride with the lady in the cab? ALL: No.
What about the bikes? When we get our trousers off, we'll go in and get them.
I'm not going back in there again.
Suppose there are alligators lurking.
In Yorkshire?! People buy them as pets, then when they're too big, they let them loose in the nearest pond.
Alligators in Yorkshire! It was here.
Well, it's not there now.
You know what that means.
Somebody's moved the remains.
You seem a bit over-tense today.
Is your wife still learning Spanish? You live with them, you think you know them I've had paella three times this week.
Well, it's all right, is paella.
For breakfast? Here, look at this.
The aliens came by trolley.
I don't think there ever was an alien.
Well, that's that, then.
We've cleared that up.
It gives you There's nothing like the satisfaction from a bit of decent police work.
I've never been on one of these for years.
Hey, it's a good trolleying area, is this.
The police coming by trolley?! Those budget cuts are really beginning to bite.
Can they arrest you for no trousers? With pants like yours, you could be charged with reckless overdressing.
What are we doing in a field? Oh, that's not a question I've had to ask for a long time, incidentally! Didn't you see it? The police car - it's just waiting there.
So why are we waiting HERE? I'm not getting involved with the police.
They get very rude about my driving.
Oh, there's a surprise(!) I didn't see any policemen.
They say you never do when you want one.
Who wants one? Speak for yourself.
Only joking although there was a time Before I met Syd, I once went out with a policeman.
Didn't care WHERE he left his fingerprints.
Oh, I think I knew that one! When my Barry was eight, he wanted to be a policeman.
Well, I'm sure we're all thrilled to hear that(!) I sometimes wonder what my Howard'll want to be when HE gets to eight.
I ought to rescue that young lady from the sight of those naked policemen.
Not exactly undercover, are they? I reckon the ones in most danger are the policemen! Ah, we'll walk back, drying our trousers in the breeze.
Are you coming, Howard, with trousers or otherwise? I'll get a lift back in Wesley's Land Rover.
It looks like I'll just have to ride in the cab.
What if Pearl catches you? Here! You'd better put these on.
What is it? It's an old pair of overalls I keep for emergencies.
Travelling with Marina counts as an emergency.
Makes strong men tremble.
They're filthy.
At least they're DRY and filthy.
Like alternative humour.
You'll be wearing alternative overalls, Howard.
But will they suit me? A person likes to remain attractive when travelling with young ladies.
They'll be able to exchange fashion notes.
He's got worse knees than me.
Yeah, but his are nearer the ground - they don't offend the eye like yours.
Have you ever considered a knee transplant, Billy? But suppose I got one that was faster than the other.
I don't believe there's any policeman there.
It's far too quiet for a man about.
They'll be hiding.
As soon as we move, they'll pounce.
Maybe we should scream or something.
Oh, I can't be bothered.
You get to this age, there's not much worth screaming about.
True.
Sad, but true.
This is slower than making conversation with your husband.
Yes, they've not got much to say.
That you can believe, anyway.
You can believe what my Barry says.
My Barry's truthful.
Oh, really? How do you know what he's up to right now? He's gone meditating.
He's improving the power of his will.
It could help him managerial-wise, if he becomes notorious for the power of his will.
There's only room for one will in a marriage, and that's the woman's.
Ask your father.
It's no good asking me father - he'd only have to come and ask you.
Well, I can't see any policemen.
And unless somebody's brought some sandwiches, I suggest Get in the car.
GEARS CRUNCH I believe I'm nearly dry.
I know I am.
Oh, I could murder a pint.
Now you mention it Make a change to be damp INSIDE.
Well, that makes it unanimous.
First decent pub, then.
Or even half-decent.
Excuse me! I thought I heard a voice.
You did.
It were a voice.
It said "excuse me".
I don't like it.
Well, what's not to like about "excuse me"? YOU may be happy with mystery voices, but it sounded sinister to me.
I'm sorry if it's any trouble but, er, could somebody, er? It doesn't sound sinister.
Sounds like a pussycat.
Just checking.
Using instincts honed by generations of ancestors lurking in the greenwood, I'd say it's coming from in that barn.
There, now.
Oh, Mr Hardcastle! Ey-up, Barry lad! What's tha doing with your legs in both directions? I'm sorry to be a nuisance, Mr Hardcastle, but I seem to be stuck in the lotus position.
I told you it could be sinister.
It's not comfy, I can tell you that.
What does he mean, a lotus position? It means he's got his legs in a knot.
Oh, I bet that's nasty.
Say what you like about Christianity, it only requires the kneeling position.
It's meant to improve your strength of will.
I've been practising yoga.
You have to do it somewhere quiet, else you feel such a fool.
I'm the same, lad, when I'm repairing me tights.
Do you think I'll ever walk again? Badly.
I think we've all walked far enough.
If we give you a lift to your car, you can give us a lift to the pub.
All together, lads.
Do they think Robin Hood never mended his own tights? Are you in a reef knot, Barry? They're supposed to be very reliable.
Everything's gone dead.
Enjoy it while you can - that's the easy bit.
What's he grinning at me like that for? He's pleased to see you.
My Barry often gets quite excited.
Fasten your seat belt! I thought you went out on a bike.
We're just giving him a lift.
That's a lady's bicycle.
Whoops! I think I've just rediscovered a sense of childlike pleasure! So how come you've got a lady's bicycle? Well, you see My fault.
Wrong bicycle.
That one's Smiler's.
THIS one's Howard's.
Smiler rides a lady's bicycle? Since the accident.
Oh, well.
That's a relief.
It saves him lifting his leg over the crossbar.
It's agony lifting your leg over the crossbar.
With all that leg, he should know.
Why is my lie detector still clicking? To think that I couldn't wait to be a grown-up and start having fun.
How's it going, Barry? I think the left one's getting better.
Are there reputed to be any benefits if you don't mind my asking? It's supposed to put you in touch with your inner self.
And what's this "inner self", when it's at home? Pain, mostly.
Try your legs now, Barry.
See if you can deploy them in an orderly fashion.
I can walk! I can walk! It can't be all that difficult doing the lotus position.
I was once handcuffed to a fairground contortionist with learning difficulties.
I dare say I could tackle the lotus position.
POLICE RADIO: 'There are cows all over the road.
' Duty calls.
That's why we're here.
LAUGHING AND GIGGLING I told you it was difficult.
That's my Barry.
Why is he walking like that? I don't know.
It's a quite unusual configuration.
Don't lie to me.
I knew I should never have let you go to France.
But, Pearl, love, why should you think I've been with some woman?