Family Guy s23e07 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy ♪
Oh, it was nice of the brewery
to host this Oktoberfest.
Yeah, they wanted to
support the community
and hopefully win back
some of the market share
- they lost to fentanyl.
- Those come in rainbow now.
Yeah, I reposted an article
about that on Facebook
and said "FYI," so I
basically saved the children.
This festival's kind of weird.
How did Germans even
come up with Oktoberfest?
[GERMAN ACCENT] So, guys,
turns out everybody hates us
for all our world wars, et cetera.
We need to do something that shows
we are fun and silly, and
not human exterminators.
What about beer, pretzels,
und horns that go "oompa oompa"?
That's good. Very good.
Yes, that, and little
square mustaches because
No more mustaches!
Meg, check it out.
A make-your-own-sausage station.
Are you supposed to be touching that?
Ha, they look like little poops
Aah!
You must make me whole again.
Never mind, this is my destiny!
Hey, look, a chiropractor.
I could actually use an adjustment.
Oh, let's see how you
turn this into a brag.
I hurt my back reading
screenplays for a competition.
Finish the sentence.
- That I paid to be a judge in.
- There you go.
- Hello.
- Cha-ching!
I mean, hello. Would you
guys like an adjustment?
- I'll take one.
- Not me. I think you're a quack.
I also do colonic irrigation therapy.
I'll take a pamphlet.
[SNIFFS]
This head hole smells like spit.
Don't worry, I always give it
one lazy wipe between patients.
Now, I'm gonna ask you some questions
I can steer into any direction I need.
- Do you ever feel tired?
- I do.
And if you go a few hours between meals,
do you ever feel like
you need to eat again?
Yeah, like, every day.
That's a big problem nowadays.
I have some very expensive
supplements that'll help.
[CRACKS]
Whoa. That feels great.
Yeah, that good feeling will last
right until you get into your car.
- Here's your bill.
- $700?
That covers the consultation,
evaluation, diagnosis,
adjustment, supplements
and a fart surcharge.
- I didn't fart.
- You did.
People always do. Or maybe I did.
Either way, I'll just
bill it to your insurance.
Man, I can't believe [FARTS]
- Oh, there it is.
- [CHIROPRACTOR] Told you.
Did you see how much
that chiropractor charged?
I could do the same thing he did.
You could, and that's not a compliment.
His degree was from a Margaritaville.
Should should we
become chiropractors?
Already on it. "Siri, how
do I become a chiropractor?"
[SIRI] Do you want to be a doctor,
but don't like to read books?
- Yes.
- Congratulations.
You are now a chiropractor.
Mailing certification and
teeth whitening kit now.
Oh, that was easy.
Yeah, thank God.
I needed a new job,
and it was either this
or become a family photographer.
[ANNOUNCER 1] Is your
son just the cutest,
and are you eager to capture
that precious sliver of time?
Well, at Son in Front
of a Tree Photography,
we capture these memories for you
by photographing your
son in front of a tree
in a park that's close to my house.
Put him in a shirt that he hates
and watch him lean, climb,
or sit in front of a tree.
Hold his arms as he jumps into
the air in front of a tree.
Sure, he bit you for making him
take off his Spider-Man shoes,
but wait until you see
this photo of him resting on his hands
in front of a tree.
We'll even take one
of the parents in front of the tree.
Because at Son in Front
of a Tree Photography,
we capture memories
that'll last a lifetime.
And years later,
when that same son is
forced out of college
for a team hazing scandal,
you'll look at the photos of
your son in front of a tree
and wonder if that monster
was always inside him.
Yeah, probably.
He bit you for taking off his shoes.
Call today.
[ANNOUNCER 2] May not
ever receive photos.
God, the prizes at these
things are such junk.
I want one. Peter, win me a toy.
What? Why?
'Cause I'm New-England-lady drunk.
Either you win me a
stupid stuffed something,
or I'm gonna start naming
ex-boyfriends who would've.
Great, everybody, get ready to hear
who made First Team All-Dirtbag.
Tom Hambley would've
had me double-fisting
highly-flammable bootleg
SpongeBobs by now.
Yeah, didn't he also whip it
out to your mom before your prom?
He said he mistimed how far away he was
from our hallway bathroom.
Just throw the ball.
I would, but my elbow's acting up.
Old injury from The Late Night Wars.
I'll win you one of them things, Lois.
Oh, no, it's Mikey Bagshaw,
Lois' ex-boyfriend with
shamrock tattoos on both calves.
You're allowed here?
Yeah, there ain't no schools close.
Then I guess it's your move, Peter.
This is really testing me.
I wonder what my old karate
sensei would want me to do.
Take your sneakers off, Peter.
You can't wear them on the mats.
But they light up, Sensei.
Put them in the cubbies. Geez,
every class with this clown.
[STRAINS]
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS] He throws like a girl!
Come on, people don't
say that anymore, dude.
The correct term is he throws
like a Chalamet, probably.
And on behalf of everyone at Channel 5,
we'd like to apologize
for the pornography
that aired during our cooking segment.
There are a lot of very funny people
who are good at computers,
and we can't stop them.
All right, who's ready
for The Last of Us?
I love zombie shows
about shrub overgrowth.
Chris, move, you're sitting in my spot.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sitting
wherever I want from now on, chief.
What? Where am I supposed to sit?
Kind of not my problem, chief.
Did you just double "chief" me?
- That's right, chief.
- Triple?
Is this 'cause of the throw?
Well, technically, it
didn't qualify as a throw.
It fell somewhere between a
roll and a [GRUNTS WEAKLY]
Come on, barely anybody saw that.
I'm sure it'll all blow over.
And now in "Ha-Ha,
Look At This Guy" news,
ha-ha, look at this guy.
[GRUNTS WEAKLY]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Aw, rats.
If that isn't an
indication of how poorly
someone's penis works,
I don't know what is.
Is this my fault, Peter?
Is it 'cause I made you watch Ted Lasso?
You know, maybe sports shows
should be about sports
instead of feelings.
- Look, it's not that big a deal.
- It is, though.
I always knew you were overweight,
but I thought you were
at least athletic fat.
I told people you were a
good fat, like an avocado.
Now, I don't know what you are.
Okay, I see that I
don't have the support
of my family on this, but
at least I have my friends.
I'm gonna see if they
want to meet at The Clam.
[PHONE WHOOSHING]
They said they're busy.
I see GIFs of people without genitals.
That means busy.
Does this mean you're a beta dad now?
No, Chris. But I want you
to know that I heard you.
Your feelings are valid, and
thank you Oh, God, I am.
Aw, now I'm gonna have to hang out
at the beta dad headquarters,
the farmers' market.
This isn't spicy, is it?
No, sir, it's a strawberry.
Hmm, I better not. I can't do spicy.
I can't believe you
guys got this business
started so quickly.
Yeah, we found the perfect spot
with zero available parking,
and the rest just fell into place.
Chris, do you know what
the most important part
of working in a busy doctor's office is?
- The patients?
- Nope.
Taking care of the tropical fish
that's impossible to take care of.
Why is it swimming upside down?
I don't know. Sometimes it
sinks, sometimes it floats,
and sometimes it does that. All are bad.
There's a number taped to the desk.
That's Eric, our tropical fish
guy. He's gonna be your best friend.
Call him whenever it does anything.
Do everything Eric says.
None of it will work, but
trust me, he's the best.
It flipped back over.
Why are you telling me? Tell Eric.
Remember, Peter, it's not drinking alone
as long as you have
Popsicle Peter with you.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Help.
He only uses me to
scratch his icky parts.
[NORMAL VOICE] Shut up
and get to work in there.
Uh-oh, look who's here.
What the hell? You
guys said you had plans,
but you're here drinking?
And you're in my spot, Cleveland.
Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting
wherever I want from now on, chief.
Sorry, we didn't want people thinking
we were noodle-armed by association.
Yeah, my arms are literally all I have.
How do you not know how to throw?
I never learned.
My dad was always
working when I was a kid,
and when he'd get home, he
always said he had a headache.
That was back before everyone
carried metal water bottles,
so no one drank water, and
all adults had headaches.
My only friends were day raccoons,
who are the most social of all raccoons.
They're the ones who
taught me how to throw.
So, that's why I throw bad for a guy,
but really good for a raccoon.
- Is all that true?
- I don't know.
I've had several cases of rabies,
so memories are hard for me.
All I know is that I've
spent the rest of my life
avoiding scenarios where I got to throw.
Didn't you go to Red Sox fantasy camp?
And I swear I've seen you having a catch
with Chris out on your front lawn.
Yeah, that was my stunt double.
He's the fat guy who dresses
up like me at Comic-Con.
He wants to interview me as me,
and I'm just like, dude, no.
Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?
That depends. Are you
classlessly serving
a legal document for Jason Sudeikis?
No, I do promotions for
a local minor league team,
the Quahog Blowholes.
Ah, yes, then I'm Peter.
I wanted to invite you to throw out
a ceremonial first pitch this weekend.
What? You know he can't throw, right?
Yes, that's why we want him.
Minor league baseball needs
gimmicks to attract fans.
You guys remember the story
about that chimpanzee umpire?
The one what ate up
all them fans' faces?
Yup. That was me.
Anyway, we think you'd make
the perfect gimmick, Peter.
I'll do it.
What? You're gonna
embarrass yourself again.
This time on a bigger stage.
So? Did Batgirl just give up
when everyone said her movie stunk?
- Uh, yes. Very publicly, yes.
- Oh.
Well, I'm not Batgirl.
I am gonna throw out that first pitch,
and it's gonna be a perfect strike.
I love confident idiots.
It's why I bought a Tesla.
See you this weekend.
What are you doing?
You can't just learn how
to throw in a couple days.
Hey, anything is possible.
Stanley Tucci's a sex symbol now.
You ever watch a guy with a bald head
and super hairy arms cook zucchini?
[LOIS] Oh, yeah!
You like this apron?
It's a women's medium,
and it comes off real easy.
[LOIS GROWLS] Tucci!
Wow, you are so tight. Do you sit a lot?
Sitting's the silent killer.
No, I stand quite often.
And that's your problem right there.
Standing's the silent killer.
I actually mix it up pretty good.
Variety, the silent killer.
I can't believe how well
this is going, Brian.
Please, call me Doctor B.
"Doctor," then one initial?
We must be doing very well.
Permission to speak
like a human fist bump?
- Granted.
- We are passing "Go."
We are collecting $200. We are
[SINGSONGY] crushing!
You have a couple of energy drinks
today there, Doctor B?
Had a few no-breakfast Monsters. Yep.
Eyes a little shaky.
Feeling a little, uh, scared.
All right, yeah, you go take a walk.
I'll take the next
patient. Chris, who's next?
Chris?
What the hell?
Chris opened his own office.
Hey, Doctor S,
my ears are still kinda ringing
from that adjustment.
You said you drank a soda once, right?
Sugar, the silent killer.
[GRUNTS]
I guess I'm always just
gonna be one of those guys
who throws like a girl.
- [SHOUTS]
- [MEG] You wish you threw like a girl.
Meg?
You're gonna throw out
that first pitch, Dad,
and I'm gonna teach you.
Ha-ha-ha, much laughter
and exaggerated scenarios ahead.
[ANNOUNCER] This joke was written by AI
while the writers were on strike.
Hey, listen. Thanks for
teaching me how to throw,
but why are you helping me?
Because you're my dad.
And also because your last display
was really embarrassing.
I just didn't know you
were so good at sports, Meg.
Are you serious?
I won a state championship
with my basketball team.
I went to the Olympics in Korea.
Yeah, I don't watch the Meg episodes.
So, you don't know anything about me?
Yeah, I gotta be honest, I've got
a lot of passwords to remember,
so I'm-I'm always
cycling through those.
Don't mind me, just
grabbing my cigarettes
from their elaborate hiding spot.
Did you know Meg played sports?
Oh, yeah?
- When?
- Ugh, like my whole life.
There's trophies in my room.
Cool. Good for you.
That's a relief.
I put the magnesium in the bag.
Start with two before bed,
and if your stomach
tolerates it, go to three.
Thanks, Doctor C. You know your fish
is swimming upside down, right?
Yeah, it's a water temperature thing,
I think. I hope.
What the hell, Chris?
You stole our clients.
So what? A lot of those people
came to you with real problems
and you just exploited them for money.
Yeah, that's the whole
chiropractic model.
Well, I figured I could
actually help them,
and take their money.
What do you even know
about being a chiropractor?
Enough to look at your posture
and know that you sit for a living.
Oh, damn, he's good.
Look, I know you guys are upset.
Yes, we are competitors, but
if you really think about it,
you'll see that our stories are the same
because we're both trying to
- help people!
- [CRACKS]
- [FARTS]
- [LAUGHING] There.
Now your legs are even.
Whoa. How'd you do that?
By caring.
That's the one thing you can't fake.
- Good luck, guys.
- [PHONE RINGS]
Chris' Chiropractic,
how may I health you?
Oh, hi, Eric.
Yeah, it's upside down again.
Dude, I did all that.
Okay, Dad. I thought one
way to get you throwing
would be to get tips from
one of the best pitchers
of all time, Roger Clemens.
Hi, Peter.
Wow, I can't believe The
Rocket is gonna help me.
The first thing you're gonna wanna do
- is grip the ball like this.
- Okay, cool.
Then you're gonna wanna find
the right place on your ass
to inject yourself, allegedly.
- What?
- If I did this
while I was playing,
I would've shoved it
right through my thick Texas jeans.
But I did not do this
while I was playing.
- Can we go back to the grip
- Rocket!
Then, when you're done,
make sure to discard
your needles safely.
If I had ever done
this, which I did not,
I would've discarded
them in the top drawer
of my wife's dresser,
in between her underwear
and necklaces, or her
gym bag, allegedly.
Any place that isn't
yours and is hers works.
Your forehead vein is pulsing.
That's what veins do, you nimrod.
Now, we wait.
Then, once you bite
through your own tooth,
you know you're ready to pitch.
[STRAINING]
[SHOUTS]
Let's bean some Orioles!
So, I was talking to Mom,
and she told me that
part of your problem
might be performance anxiety.
Yeah, what context
was this brought up in?
The one you're thinking.
She said sometimes watching someone else
do it first helps.
So, I invited Cleveland
over to do it with Mom
while you watch from this stool.
- [GRUNTS]
- Ow.
Want me to slow it down?
Oh, don't you dare.
I can take harder.
- Oh, yeah. Thank you.
- Damn, you know how to catch it, girl.
- Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, keep it going.
- Yeah, catch it! Catch it!
- Oh, you are gonna split me in half!
- Catch it with your leg out!
[CLEVELAND] You wanna hop in, Pete?
[LOIS] No, he goes last
- when my mitt's the loosest.
- [SIGHS]
You okay, Dad?
No. I never figured my
life would end up like this
when I was getting my picture
taken in front of that tree.
[ANNOUNCER] Son in Front
of a Tree Photography.
No one would ever guess
your boy would grow up
to be a world-class cuck.
Why are we sitting on the field?
Because I think your biggest
hurdle might be your mind.
I read that some pitchers
have thrown their best games
while on LSD.
So let's do LSD.
Yeah, okay.
We had empty stomachs,
so the drugs kicked in pretty quick.
I never learned to throw that day,
but we got scared by a
faucet and pooped ourselves
in an Exxon station.
I saw my whole life's timeline
that afternoon, and it was beautiful.
Now, it's my 92nd birthday
and I'm on a sailboat
about to drink a CVS-brand
euthanasia cocktail.
If you compare it to the
name-brand euthanasia cocktails,
it's the same ingredients
for half the cost.
In the future, we all die
dignified deaths on sailboats.
So, that's why we guarantee
that our cracks are 30% louder
than that whack-job next door.
How do you measure that?
With doctor things. Let's start.
Wow, that was your C4 vertebra.
Ah, that was your L-M-N-O-P.
Take your time getting up.
If you feel dizzy, it's
probably from the vaccine.
[ANNOUNCER] Chiropractors,
show me one who's vaccinated.
No, we don't validate parking,
but if you buy a coffee
down the block, they will.
- [MAN FARTS]
- Doctor B. Doctor S.
Doctor C.
Saw you put a pink salt
lamp in your window.
I guess you're dabbling
in witchcraft now.
Nope, just good air quality.
I heard you're still not
paying for Pandora Premium,
so your music has commercials.
That sounds relaxing.
Relaxing enough to be
fully booked this weekend.
Except for the lady who canceled
because Brian followed her on Instagram
right after her appointment.
Client outreach fail.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Hi, we're from the Department
of Health and Human Services.
We've been asked to
investigate your businesses
for medical and insurance fraud.
We can go in and grab your files,
or you can grab them for us.
Quick "quesh". Do you guys have agents
on the back side of the building?
- We do.
- Ah, a perimeter. Good.
How'd you catch us?
The same thing that
gets every chiropractor.
The inflated, phony charges,
and the sports cars with
vanity license plates.
Figured you were either
chiros or drug dealers.
We'll give you five minutes
to collect your tropical fish.
Oh, those are long dead.
I know you're nervous,
Dad, but you can do this.
No, it's not that.
Do you think I have to shower
with the team afterwards?
You need to focus, Dad. Look at me.
When you step out there,
it's just you, the ball,
and 2,000 people who are
counting on you to fail.
And if there's one thing I
know about being your daughter,
it's that when someone's
counting on you,
you always let them down.
So, are you gonna give
them what they want?
Or are you gonna go out
there and disappoint them?
I only know one way.
[ANNOUNCER] And now, to throw
out our ceremonial first pitch,
please welcome to the field,
Peter "Never Heard of
Taylor Swift" Griffin.
Who?
Good luck, see you in the showers.
Individual stalls with
smoked-glass doors?
Nope. Big, echoey,
1960s johnson-danglers.
[GRUNTS ON VIDEO]
[CROWD LAUGHING]
- Strike! Damn it.
- [CROWD GROANS]
Whoo! He did it!
[PETER] Ow!
I can't believe it. I
threw a passable strike.
You're the only one
who believed in me, Meg.
Are you okay?
Your arm is backwards
and feels very hot.
Good job, Peter.
I guess you don't throw
like a girl anymore.
No.
That's exactly what I throw like.
Time for a victory lap.
Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
La-la-la-la ♪
Is that how he really runs?
I'll, uh, we'll we'll work on that.
[FEEL-GOOD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING,
JOHN MELLENCAMP "SMALL TOWN"]
[PETER] A lot of people
remembered my pitch that day.
I'll remember it as the last day
it was called "Quahog Stadium."
The next day, they changed
the name to "Porn Hub Field."
Called the team the "Jacks."
People say America's changed,
but I still think it's pretty great.
Well, I was born in a small town ♪
[ORGAN PLAYING "TAKE
ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME"]
Where do you think
you're going, Griffin?
No one leaves without
hitting the showers first.
Can I wear my gym shorts?
No. We gotta see it.
That's baseball.