Family Guy s23e08 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy ♪
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow, dinner smells great,
Lois. What'd you make?
Nothing. I just defrosted one
of the casseroles Bonnie left
on our porch after my foot got infected.
Most of our meals are
donated stews born of trauma.
Well, I had a scary day.
During my science lab, a
whole beaker of chemicals
almost blew up right in my face.
Oh, my God!
Look at this peanut! It's
got three peanuts in it!
Peter, stop bringing
snack foods to dinner.
How was everyone else's day?
My day was awful!
I had to give an oral book report
in front of my English class,
but it was right when
I was at full mast.
Okay, next up is Chris Griffin.
[GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
[CHRIS GROANS]
My report is on Tom Sawyer.
A modern-day warrior,
mean, mean stride.
Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.
That is a song by Rush.
I don't know, man. I googled
it, and that's what came up.
Well, as much as I'd
love to sit and hear more
about my son's public wood show,
me and the guys have a tee time.
A "tee time"? But it's dark out.
Miniature golf, Lois.
And it's gonna be a blast.
Even more fun than a blow pop.
I never should have married it.
Once they say "I do," they don't.
Ah, man, nothing better than hanging out
with my pals on a Tuesday night.
Hey, why How come we always
do stuff together on Tuesdays?
It's when America unloads
all its week-old tacos.
Sure, Congress can push
through Taco Tuesday,
but we can't seem to get
decent Medicare reform.
Those two things are unrelated, Joe.
Says the shill for Big Taco.
[KIDS LAUGHING]
Should've played through
that birthday party.
They're playing way too slow.
[KIDS LAUGHING]
Could we please have
some quiet on the greens?
[SNIFFS]
Whoa, Chris. What's going on?
Where are you going?
I can't take the humiliation.
I think my only option
is to move away forever.
What? Wait, is this about what
happened with your book report?
The teasing was awful, Brian.
Even Principal Shepherd got in on it.
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD
OVER PA] Chris Griffin,
please report to [CHUCKLES] woodshop.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- Stop it!
- [PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD] I'll stop when they stop laughing.
My approval rating is through the
roof, just like Chris Griffin's rod!
[LOUD CHEERING]
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD]
On a more somber note,
that kid with the helmet died.
Chris, you can't just run
away from your problems.
Well, I can't just move on
and pretend nothing happened.
This isn't a school shooting.
[SIGHS] Okay, I see you're upset.
And I wouldn't suggest this if
it weren't so serious, but
Look, Stewie and I built a time machine.
You did? How?
Well, you know, I was
always really good at Legos,
and I think it just kind
of snowballed from there.
You know, if I have any advice,
it's keep building, Chris.
Keep building.
Anyway, maybe you and I travel
back in time to this morning
and give you a do-over
on your book report.
That would be amazing.
Did Rupert come this way?
Son of a bitch killed his wife and
he's blaming an eight-armed man.
Brian's gonna let me use his time
machine to redo my book report.
Oh, is that right?
And how exactly is Brian
going to do that? Hmm?
With his time machine?
Hey, I handed you a wrench.
Yeah, the wrong wrench.
Just stay away from it.
Hey, guys, you know what might be fun?
We should all pull our money
and buy some scratchers together.
I love that idea.
Yeah, it'd be a great way to
cap off our Tuesday guys' night.
Oh, speaking of that, we've
got a special on tacos today.
Let's keep your politics
out of this, pal.
Ah, you guys go ahead.
I'd rather spend my money on this
tightly curled horoscope scroll.
Suit yourself.
Here we go. Winning combo.
[EXCITEDLY] Kim Kardashian,
Khloe Kardashian
[DISAPPOINTEDLY] Scott Disick.
I'll try my favorite, Dignity Dollars.
Martin Luther King,
Malcolm X.
Aw, Jussie Smollett.
Let me show you how it's done.
Give me one of the Bald Bucks.
Piven
Travolta
Cage! I'm a winner!
Awesome! We won $123.
Split three ways,
that's 41 bucks apiece.
That's fine. I'm happy
with my horoscope scroll.
"Be sure to gamble today
with your handicapped,
horny and Black friend."
Pfft. Right that could mean anything.
"Also, close your search tabs before
your big work presentation tomorrow."
[SCOFFS] Bunch of mumbo-jumbo.
As you can see, third quarter sales
Uh, sorry about that.
Yeah. Let me just, uh
Okay. I don't know how that
Ah, just give me one second here.
As As I was saying, third quarter
I apologize for the slight, uh
A mini-mart scroll warned of this.
I'll clean out my desk.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
[STEWIE BREATHING DEEPLY]
I don't know, Brian.
Stewie said to stay away
from the time machine.
Don't worry about Stewie.
- Okay, just put in today's date.
- [KEYPAD BEEPING]
Set the time and go!
[COMPUTERIZED VOICE] DNA mismatch.
Enter secondary voice password
within 20 seconds to
prevent self-destruct.
Crap! Secondary password?
Self-destruct?
Wait, wait, wait. I got this.
Zac Efron.
Um, Susan Lucci.
[HESITATING] Dora! Diego! Gold's Gym!
- Mykonos.
- Oh! I know, I know.
Fabulous. Fab! Totally fab!
Uh, uh Go, bitch! Whatever, bitch!
Love you, bitch!
Yes, Queen! Yas, Queen?
Yaaaaas, Queeeeeen!
[MACHINE ACTIVATING]
[ZAPPING]
Hey. Hey! Hey!
Did you see that?
[ZAPPING]
Check it out, Chris.
Welcome to 16 hours ago.
So, how does it feel to
be living in the past?
Wow! Look how small that tree is
and how old all those cars look!
Oh, yeah. There's gonna be a lot
of very small differences like that.
Hold on. I thought we
were going to time travel
to my school, not to our house.
Oh, yeah, plugged in what
was on the tag on my collar.
That's the only address I know.
Wait a minute. This could be amazing.
We got a few hours
before your book report.
And with a day's advantage, we
can use that time to bet on sports,
already knowing the outcome.
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
Okay, hang on, hang on, hang
on uh Ah! Here we go. WNBA.
There's a Mystic-Sparks game today.
Remember who won that?
I don't even know
what city they're from.
- Which one has Caitlin Clark?
- I don't know.
Both of them? Neither?
Man, she's the best, maybe.
Hey, Cleveland. You look different.
Yeah, with my scratcher winnings,
I was able to buy $41 of Ozempic.
Donna thinks I'm starting to
look like skinny Jonah Hill.
And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait
to be an aggressively
unstable relationship partner.
I see.
Must be nice to have money
to burn. I wouldn't know.
Say guys, I forget.
How many people does it take
to make a thing go right?
[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING,
ROB BASE & DJ EZ ROCK "IT TAKES TWO"]
I think you knew the answer.
Thanks to those lucky
scratchers I just bought
Now That's What I Call Music: Volume 12.
[SMUGLY] Game, cassette, match.
Hey, check it out, guys.
I turned those winning
scratchers into a new belt.
T.J. Maxx was having a sale on
everything that's strewn on the floor.
Great. Seems like everybody's
really enjoying their big winnings.
Uh-uh. You can't wear that
shirt because of my therapy.
I got her right under my
pudgy, non-threatening thumb.
Okay, It's almost time
for your English class.
We just have to head off your past self
so you can give the book report instead.
Sounds good.
Whoa, I guess if I have anything to
say to Derek, I should say it now.
[SHOE SHUFFLING, SQUEAKING]
I have nothing to say to Derek.
Oh, here I come.
Chris! You can't go in there!
Brian, what are you
doing here? [CHUCKLES]
[GASPS] Are you me?
Look, there's not much
time. We're from the future.
Well, your future, our present.
Let me stop you right there.
I'm 100% fine with whatever this is.
I just go where I'm told.
Okay, Chris, get in there and make this
the flaccid-est report of your life.
- I won't let you down.
- [BELL RINGS]
in time, Chris. You're up.
[CHRIS CHUCKLES] Not today, I'm not.
Hello, peers. This is my
report on the book, Tom Sawyer.
The cover shows a kid painting a fence,
and inside it is paper,
which is made from trees.
The end.
Chris, I may have to fail you.
Well, that's all good, 'cause the only
chub in town is the insurance company.
Kobe!
Quagmire. I see you're
wearing a brown belt today.
Did you buy another one?
No. Same belt. Reversible.
That just blew my damn mind.
Belts are reversible,
men are becoming women,
I'm kind of getting into it,
what's this world coming to?
Evening, gentlemen. Thought
I'd offer some celebratory
popcorn shrimp for the
big scratcher winners.
Wow, no way! That's the
appetizer in commercials
most likely to fly through the air.
Any food that's airborne on
television is very special.
Peter. Come on, have some.
I understood the shrimp to
be exclusively for winners.
Damn it! It's not fair.
I've got to find a way
to have what they have.
Okay. Suction cups, pulley
system, carabiners, rope, ski mask.
And one last thing.
A bat.
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [BAT CLATTERS]
[HESITATING] I don't
understand the crossword ones.
Well, Chris, probably time to head home.
And congrats again on a
successful, non-turgid book report.
Please stop saying gross smart words.
[ZAPPING]
Uh, hey, is is there maybe
something you guys want to tell me?
Yeah. Did you know there
was a WNBA game yesterday
between the Mystics and the Sparks?
Yes, of course. The Mystics
crushed the Sparks by 26 points.
- [BOTH GROAN] Aw.
- Yeah, huge upset.
Vegas had it all wrong.
[BOTH GROAN LOUDER]
Listen, I know you're probably mad.
We took the time machine without asking,
but trust me, there's
nothing to worry about.
You sure about that?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[BOTH SCREAM]
[SLURRING] I'm sorry, little guy.
Mom thinks it'll help the
swelling from the burns
if I put some of your
diaper cream on my face.
[MAYOR WILD WEST] Looks like Brian
and Chris kicked up a little more
than dust on their mosey back in time.
Now, please consider these
fine commercial products.
Whip sound effect.
Yeah, he probably wasn't
supposed to read that last part.
- [WHIP SOUND EFFECTS]
- Yeah. There, you see? There it is.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
Holy crap! What happened?
We We didn't even
see Meg in the past.
Well, Brian, I would surmise
that in the original timeline,
the laughter at Chris emanating from
his classroom created a distraction.
So by turning her head slightly
to investigate, Meg kept her face
from being directly over the explosion.
But in a timeline where
Chris was unaroused,
the distracting laughter was absent.
Come on! Not one bag of
pot in any of these things!
[STEWIE] So, with no noise
coming from Chris's classroom,
Meg never turned her head away,
ensuring that her face would absorb
the full brunt of the explosion.
It's a weird word.
"Brunt." Such a dumb language.
I feel horrible.
We gotta fix this.
That's exactly what we're going to do.
Oh, this is bad. Did
Did anything else change?
One thing. Lois bought Popsicles for Meg
since that's all she can eat now.
[SILENCE]
[SLURPING NOISES]
Mm. So good.
- What's yours?
- Apple.
Aw, there's apple? I
thought that was lime!
[ALL SLURPING]
But we should We should go fix
the Meg-burned-face
thing, though right?
[SIGHS, HALFHEARTEDLY]
Yeah, yeah. All right.
Oh, hey, you guys. I also got
ice cream sandwiches for Meg.
It's a time machine. We
can leave whenever we want.
I mean, we make the schedule.
Yeah, like, literally.
Jon Hamm.
Arnold Palmer.
The third one's just a mirror.
Oh, wait a minute.
Scratcher!
Peter, it's the middle of the night.
What the hell are you doing?
Uh Uh, having an affair?
- What? With who?
- Uh, you don't know her.
Her name is
Sandy Shoes.
Peter, are you just looking at
stuff in the car and making up lies?
Lois, that is completely speedometer.
[SIGHS] Look, I don't
know what any of this is,
but just don't turn on the
bathroom light when you come to bed.
Okay. Thank you!
Thank Thanks for no more questions.
- Love you.
- [POLICE CAR SIREN CHIRPS]
Mr. Griffin, you're under arrest for
I know, I know. How'd you find me?
The store's security camera
caught you checking your height
against the doorjamb sticker.
I'm afraid I'm shrinking.
We're going to measure again
at the jail, though, right?
All right, we're back at the
day of Chris's book report.
To save Meg's face we
just have to do two things.
First, we lock up the Chris
who successfully gave his
report without incident.
- Flaccid Chris.
- Yes. Ew, ew, gross, but yes.
And then we restore the
laughter that will distract Meg
by releasing the original
Chris from the custodial closet.
Turgid Chris.
You think you're clever,
but you're not clever.
Look, there's Flaccid Me.
Happy? Now your crudeness
is a whole thing.
Okay, gonna stop you right there, bud.
Stewie? Aw, crap. This can't be good.
Hey, Chris, we're gonna need you to
Uh-oh.
Stewie, we've got a problem.
- What? What's wrong?
- It seems that given
even a few minutes
alone in a locked closet,
Chris, uh
took matters into his own hands.
- What?
- Yeah, he's in there sleeping
and muttering about Lola
Bunny from Space Jam.
- Who's that?
- A smoking hot rabbit.
Okay? I didn't get it when
you said it, but now I get it.
- So what do we do now?
- Don't worry. I've got this.
Chris, your book report is back on,
but this time, you've
got to do it at full mast.
Yeah, one small issue with that.
During the time you two were yakking
about how the me in the closet
just masturbated I, too, masturbated.
- What?
- Oh for God's sake!
Damn it! We're running
out of time to save Meg.
Chris, we've got less than
one minute to get you aroused.
Um okay.
Close your eyes. You're
a 19th century heiress
alone in her vast estate
and awaiting a visit
from the handsome vicar as her dear aunt
has recently passed from consumption.
Yeah, that that's nothing.
[SIGHS] Well, I'm not proud of
what I'm about to say here, but
Go to YouTube and type in
"Brazilian Women's Olympic
volleyball team practice."
They're all speaking Spanish.
Is that part of it for you?
Portuguese, but yes.
[CHUCKLES] You guys, you guys, stop.
I'll just type in "Lauren Boebert,
groping vaping in public Beetlejuice."
Oh, you kinda sexy liar.
I'm ready.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
He's a good kid. I'm proud of him.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
[EXPLOSION]
What's everyone laughing about?
Which one is Derek's locker?
He can't find his
anti-seizure medicine.
Hey, just so you know,
I can eat 50 eggs.
You already told me that four times!
Okay. Well, 50 sometimes sounds like 15.
So, I just wanted to make sure
you were properly impressed.
[SCOFFS] What are you guys doing here?
Ain't you all too good for me now?
Peter, we never felt that way.
Yeah, we were the ones who
wanted you to buy scratchers
with us in the first place.
That's why we've come to bail you out.
Bail me out? Seriously?
Look, I'm sorry I overreacted, you guys.
I think I was just frustrated about
never actually winning anything.
Peter, of course you're a winner.
You've got a beautiful
wife, a family who loves you,
and a bathroom window that's
not as frosted as you think.
And you're white. That's a big one.
Oh, yeah, my insulated experience of
the world always makes me forget that.
We pooled our last $15 of
scratcher winnings to pay your fine.
- $50?
- No, 15.
Oh. See, this That's is
the thing that I was saying.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Man, you guys are the best.
I hope you can forgive
me for acting so crazy.
Of course we do, Peter.
Wait a second. You got me
out of jail for only $15
after I committed a robbery?
Well, I pulled a few strings.
Kind of an easy sell to the
chief because you're white.
See, there's that there's
that thing that I was saying.
Are we for sure in the clear? How's Meg?
Mom, have you seen Meg?
Yes, she went to the store.
Well, I'm sure she's fine.
- To pick up some ointment
- Uh-oh.
for her vagina.
- [ALL CHEERING, CELEBRATING]
- Hurray!
A bit of a journey, but we got there.
Listen, Stewie.
We never should have used your
time machine without telling you.
Chris and I owe you an apology.
It's fine, Brian.
At least your heart
was in the right place.
[SIGHS] Yeah, well,
that's the thing, I'm
I'm not sure it was.
You see, Chris,
I never should have suggested
a do-over on your book report.
What? Why not?
Well, I realize now
that all the awkward,
embarrassing, difficult
experiences in life
are exactly what shape people
into interesting adults.
You need these cringy moments
because I know you have
a very interesting future ahead of you.
Thanks, Brian.
You know what? Maybe
let's put a pin in the hug
until that book report
pistol is back in its holster.
Eh, that could just be time-travel
related, from the re-entry.
- Re Really?
- Yeah. You know how you can get
rando boners on
airplanes? It's like that.
Oh, that's right.
The first person it ever
happened to was Charles Lindbergh.
[NEWS ANNOUNCER] Here's Lucky Lindbergh
landing in the City of Lights.
And like all great pilots,
he's emerged from the cockpit
with a Betty Boop beach
towel around his waist.
[IN BADLY DUBBED VOICE] I am
perfectly limp, and what the Nazis do
is an internal matter.
[UPBEAT TV SHOW MUSIC PLAYING]
[OVEREXCITEDLY] What's going on, guys?
It's me, Corey, with After the "Guy."
We've only got a minute to break down
all the best Guy moments from this week.
And as always, we're brought
to you by too many sponsors.
Peter, what did you
think of the episode?
Well, Corey, I'd say most
of it was freaking sweet,
just like squeezable Smucker's
Jelly, now with a spill-proof top.
And even if there was
a plot hole or two,
they're no match for Flex Tape.
Flex Tape, stick it in the
drawer, forget you have it
and then buy it again three years later.
Okay, question for Stewie.
Who can understand the baby?
Okay, as I've explained for
the last six of these, Corey
He had to leave.
He's boxing Jake Paul tonight.
[MAYOR WILD WEST] Closing
credits under theme song.
Is there a way to highlight
just the words he has to say?
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]