Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s24e05 Episode Script

The car's fine, Mr Pegden.
So's mine, lad, and I want YOU to be the first to help me with her.
The sky looks different this morning.
Looks the same to me and I'm a trained observer.
You know who's up there, don't you? I've heard the rumours, same as everyone else.
No, I'm talking temporarily up there.
Who? Nora Batty.
You've started seeing Nora Batty in the sky? She's up there now.
What are you putting in your bedtime cocoa? You have the right to remain silent.
She's up there now in an aircraft bound for Australia.
Oh, that.
You think that's normal? Nora Batty at 30,000 feet? I think it's a relief.
It's when she's on the ground she's scary.
It's overkill.
They've already got alligators and deadly spiders out there.
I bet you won't find Crocodile Dundee tackling that one.
How is she going to manage a 14-hour flight without a vacuum cleaner? But why do you need ME to drive the Land Rover? Somebody's got to do the cooking.
Cooking? A hot-dog barrow? A hot-dog barrow on a Land Rover, Barry.
A hot-dog barrow therefore which will go where other hot-dog barrows cannot go.
We can take hot bangers, Barry, to weary hikers and other travellers off road.
We can bring to the healthier, outdoor public all the benefits of cholestriol.
Greasy food for walkers.
Think there'll be a call for it? If you were out in the wilds, could you resist the smell of fried food? Especially if it had gone cold.
Will it keep warm out there? Warm? This is your supercharged hot-dog barrow.
She's a great little beast.
I've installed a turbo.
She'll go nought to frying temperature in about a minute thirty seconds.
And she's ready for road testing.
I mean, not that I'm not absolutely thrilled for this opportunity to be smelling of chip fat, but when you decided you needed a driver, what made you think of me? Keep it in the family, lad.
Why shouldn't you have the benefit? Besides, I remember you telling our Glenda how you were ready for an exciting and new challenge.
But that was before I talked to Glenda and we decided that we'd go for a new conservatory instead.
We'll just see how she behaves.
She just needs a touch more work on the silencer.
How will she get through customs? Imagine some Australian customs man trying to sort through Nora Batty's underwear.
I don't care to think about that.
If they've not spoken for 50 years, why has her sister suddenly sent her a ticket? Well, I expect she's trying to make it up.
Gone soft in her old age.
Too much sun.
Their noses go white.
The way they drink, I thought that was froth! They parted in the middle of a row.
I expect the woman feels, "50 years, I've had a good sulk, it's time to mend some fences.
" That's maybe what SHE thinks, but I'll bet Nora's going there to finish the row.
He once water-skied down here.
He used to water-ski? I like it! My father showing his real self.
And that was just his trousers.
No, he didn't use to water-ski.
He just did it the once.
That was your father.
Try it, then move on.
Like he did with your mother.
She always said she threw him out.
He was always getting thrown out.
Yeah, it got so that people used to duck when passing pubs in case your father came flying out! Yeah, but they couldn't throw him out of The Bell because of the passing traffic, so they'd take him to The Swan and throw him out from there.
Oh, you do tell me some dollop! Why would he try to water-ski? You could talk him into anything.
Once you've tackled Nora Batty, what's a bit of danger? Was it dangerous? It was the way he did it.
He was on home-made skis for a start.
I can't describe what they looked like.
Do you think my dad was a lunatic? Close.
Who made the skis? Wally Batty knocked a pair up.
They're probably still in his shed.
That's what they looked liked - bits of Wally's shed.
He seems very restless for his age.
Are you overdoing his multivitamins? He only gets one a day till he goes back to winter underwear.
Oh, I should cut him down to half or fear the consequences.
He does this act at least once a day.
He's trying to give the impression he's pining for the Great Outdoors.
But if he found the Great Outdoors, he couldn't reach the knocker.
Tell him we're going out.
See what he thinks when it's YOU that's heading for the Great Outdoors.
He'd panic.
Oh, I know, they do.
But I'm a firm believer that it's good for them in occasional doses.
It stimulates their follicles or something, I shouldn't wonder.
HE SIGHS Will you stop sighing? You sound like somebody's foot pump.
You don't understand the needs a man has for his own space.
You'll get all the space you want this afternoon.
Roz and I are going out.
Out? You know - out - the opposite of in.
Where you going out? Where we going, Roz? You don't even know? I don't even care.
We thought we'd spend a few fulfilling hours in Huddersfield.
All alone? We're only going shopping.
Yeah, but we're gonna get dressed up and knock 'em dead, kiddo.
I don't think I like the idea of you going out all dressed up all alone.
Do you know, I do believe he doesn't understand the needs a woman has for her own space.
I'll come with you.
Oh, no.
You can take your binoculars and go and binocle.
I think it's deeply suspicious.
SHE LAUGHS I wish I'd known me father.
We understand your mother felt the same.
She did know him.
She couldn't get rid of him fast enough.
And yours has thrown YOU out.
Golden touch with the ladies must run in the family.
He couldn't pick horses either.
I think we must spoil our women.
What was me dad like? Probably prettier than your mother.
His women were always a bit weathered.
A bit? Apart from her at Throstlenest, they were all terrible.
Faces like a bad knee.
Strong, healthy girls, mind you.
He was always sure of a lift home.
Me mother wasn't that bad.
I often wondered why it didn't last.
He was probably busy.
Busy? I thought you said he never worked.
He hadn't time.
Being idle was a full-time job for your father.
Never took a weekend off.
MACHINE WHINES Hey up, lads.
Some people will do ANYTHING to be noticed.
I'm ashamed of you.
You let him get away.
He was only half your size and you let him get away! He wasn't interested in an old wardrobe.
He would say that.
Nobody's born interested in old wardrobes.
You have to create the passion for it.
He wanted a coffee table.
Did you say that, when laid on its side, it made a superb coffee table? Oh, I couldn't say things like that and keep a straight face.
You call that a straight face? Oh, look at this.
They've heard already about the spectacular value in wardrobes.
I just wanted a word with Smiler.
Oh, suit yourself, but you'd get more feedback from a wardrobe.
I need a lift this afternoon, Smiler.
I want to follow Pearl.
You want to follow your wife? Give him time.
He'll get the gist of it.
For following wives, you'll need something to alter your appearance.
Well, do you think that's necessary? Trust me, lad.
Trust her? She'll have you disguised as an old wardrobe.
It's not his size.
Now, how can we make you blend into the background any further? It's not that I'm checking up on her.
We have a marriage built on mutual trust.
Hee-hee! It's a matter of her own security.
She's lethal is this.
I thought tha were on fire.
I was on fire - just a bit.
It wasn't just your cap? An eyebrow or two.
At my age, what do I need with eyebrows? Not just smoke and flames, but it could send you deaf.
You what? Deaf.
People pay good money for that at rock concerts.
Going deaf is quite expensive.
It's not safe, this machine.
Mr Hardcastle thinks it's not safe.
Mr Hardcastle thinks Mrs Hardcastle is not safe.
And he's right.
He thinks, and I respect his judgement, that it's highly dangerous.
I just said she's noisy.
Yes, noisy and highly dangerous.
You're only cooking with that combination.
I went and married it.
Could do with just a touch more, for those who like crispy edges.
Not only no eyebrows, but crispy edges.
What are you doing with my Barry? Oh! I won't have my Barry set alight.
What's he doing with this thing? This THING? Thing? A major moment in the history of catering.
I'm bringing fast food to the wilderness.
My Barry's not built for the wilderness.
I don't mind the edges.
Oh, Barry.
You know how excitement brings you out in a rash.
Glenda, do you really need to let everybody know about that? I won't have my Barry doing dangerous experimental catering.
You're coming with me.
I'm going to take you to safety.
It was for his own good.
Why is he sulking, Mother? They do.
I once burned a pair of your father's overalls to protect the environment.
He sulked for days.
I don't mind 'em sulking, but I hate it when they leave their bun.
It reflects badly on the establishment.
I'm sorry.
My Barry's normally very reliable with a bun.
It's all because he's sulking.
I'm not sulking.
This is humiliation.
I'm ashamed.
Guilt, you see.
It's all coming out now.
It's another woman.
Something flighty from the office.
Oh, Barry! No, no, let him go to her.
You can come home.
Your bedroom's still there.
I'm not leaving my built-in appliances.
I've never cared for other women.
Why is he looking at me? I'm feeling guilty because I've fumbled the opportunity for doing something dangerous.
Oh, Barry! I'm so relieved that it's only that you want to do something dangerous.
It is.
I'm ashamed that I let you drag me away in front of friends.
Well, as long as there's no other woman.
I'm not having you doing anything dangerous.
Think about that.
Best to keep them occupied.
Never give them time to be bored.
You never said you were bored with me, Barry.
I'm not bored with you.
It's that a man needs the adrenaline.
The buzz.
The charge.
It has to be MY decision.
It's up to me if I want to test myself, bite the bullet, overcome fear.
Eat your bun.
What's that you're cooking in, Wesley? BP or Castrol? Wesley, are you anticipating a rush of customers out here? Perhaps we should stand back before the crush comes.
They'll be attracted by the powerful smell.
His overalls.
He thinks people are coming for miles for a sniff of his overalls.
An acquired taste, I think.
They'll come when they smell summat cooking.
Not your cap again, Wesley.
It smells terrible.
Fifi! Here, girl! Fifi! HE WHISTLES Fifi! Here we go, then, our first customer.
Er, have you seen? She runs off, you know.
FIFI! HERE, GIRL! Show yourself, you little bitch.
HE WHISTLES Fifi! Here, girl! Er, perhaps if we all shouted! Would you do that? That's friendly.
Er, do we have to shout Fifi? It's a bit far out for me.
Er, couldn't I shout Mabel or something? Her name's Fifi.
Yeah, well, maybe that's why she's hiding.
She's hiding because we've had an argument.
You know how they expect more commitment than you can give.
Your dog expects more commitment? What dog? I'm talking girlfriend here.
FIFI! Where are you? Show yourself, you little! Look, you know I love you.
I told you that was just an accident with Mrs Gothridge.
Fifi! Where are you, girl? You never told me you could look attractive.
You never asked.
Do you think it's wise at your age? I don't think it's wise at YOUR age to be getting funny about MY age.
Roz always looks smart, so I'm not going looking like a used tea bag.
I like you looking like a used tea bag.
Close your mouth before you finish up with both feet in it.
What time are you going to be back? I've no idea.
Not late, I hope.
You shouldn't go galavanting at all hours - a married woman.
Listen to who's talking.
Yoo-hoo! Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye? And smudge my make-up? No, thanks.
There was a time you couldn't resist kissing me.
I wouldn't say that.
I mean, life was just starting.
A lot of it was curiosity.
And I must say it's got curiouser.
Come on, Roz.
Ooh, the soulful eyes of abandoned husbands! Maybe we should take him.
You're not taking him.
Be strong, girl.
They're not welcome in ladies' dress shops.
They leave hairs everywhere.
Oh, be good, Howard.
I promise I'll get her back in one piece.
Or a smart two-piece with a nice collar and matching accessories.
Ooh, he'll not sleep a wink now! Fifi! Where are you, love? I hate the thought that the word might spread that Norman Clegg was seen looking for a Fifi.
I'd rather she was called Marion.
What a pair of choosies! It was either this or watching Wesley burn some bangers.
I was in the Vice Squad last time I had to look for a Fifi.
And he was a steel erector from Chesterfield.
Does he drive a Mini? He usually wears a mini.
I think I've seen him in Leeds.
Well, that's funny.
Not these days.
No, I mean, you being in Leeds.
There was this bloke selling his authentic medieval hunting horn.
I can see where he wouldn't need it in Leeds.
Made in Taiwan? He explained that.
He had it stamped on to discourage thieves.
Fifi! Fifi! Fifi! Fifi, where are you, love? They're after me.
I know the feeling.
It's such a responsibility, this power over men.
I've given him the best years of my life.
I know that feeling too.
You do? .
.
I knew it.
You look like someone who'd understand.
Oh, I do.
I do.
Men are such swines.
I know.
Don't you wish we could do without them? Do you know, I sometimes think about becoming a nun.
Been there.
Done that.
You've been a nun? No, but I've sometimes thought about it.
I knew you'd be simpatico.
It's wonderful to have another girl to talk to.
But you can't talk to them.
Oh, I know.
I asked him to be open with me.
"Bare your soul to me," I said.
"I'm listening.
What's troubling you?" "Do you think Liverpool are going to win?" he said.
We're just playthings.
But guess who has to come back out here all alone to find her own earring.
Fifi! Fifi! They're getting closer.
You should teach him a lesson.
We both should.
Down with men! Well, for a while anyway.
Do you smell cooking? Does he think he's invisible? He thinks he's irresistible.
Invisible's closer.
How's he planning to follow us? Probably get a lift from some other idiot.
Oh, I'm pleased about that.
I don't think I could bear the sight of a man's legs moving at critical speeds.
Hop on, then.
What, on this? Yes.
Where's your vehicle? It wouldn't start.
It's this or nothing.
She's gone.
She's not answering, anyway.
Neither would I to a name like Fifi.
Gone.
Left me.
I shall always remember that night in Blackpool.
Did the illuminations, did you? I did everything for that woman.
Big dipper as well, was it? If he's going to get depressed, shouldn't we start singing or something? He's bound to be depressed.
He's just mislaid the woman he loves.
The good news is I can offer him the services of my Lonely Hearts' Club.
What I really need is a Broken Hearts' Club.
The wife's sister's available.
Only one previous owner.
I shall never get over this.
Who's for an 'ot dog? Aye, OK.
We'll have a hot dog, then I'll never get over it.
Oh, I never thought they'd fall for it! Well, we're not talking rocket scientists.
My Howard once fell for a bargain offer in double glazing.
People do.
Well, not when they've already got double glazing.
I see what you mean.
If it's gullible we're after, we're backing the favourites here! Oh, it's no good.
He had his wife with him.
There's always a snag.
Won't a taxi be expensive? Even if we get his special rate for attractive young ladies.
I'm not calling a taxi.
I'm calling my bloketo tell him I'm leaving.
Tell him I've met a new friend and we hate men.
Well, I suppose that's true.
I'm known for a certain coolness towards men.
They taste better in the fresh air.
It's the little bits of motor oil that make the difference.
I've wiped me hands.
On what? On what I always wipe me hands on.
I don't care.
They're still tasty.
I do care, and they're still tasty.
Another triumph for British engineering.
More mustard, anyone? Down, Delia! Don't get so thee cap won't fit.
No, you can't leave.
I won't let you leave.
I love you.
She's leaving.
I need a lift.
You need a lift? You made me look a right primrose in front of people.
I can love a primrose, Barry.
I don't want you thinking of me as a primrose.
I want you to think of me as El Magnifico.
El Lobo, if you'd rather.
This is a sports car, Barry.
You're driving a sports car! How much thrill do you want? This isn't a sports car.
It's just a car with no lid on.
I don't see why you can't satisfy your need for speed and excitement in mother's sports car.
The only time this car's exciting is when your mother's driving it.
You know, your Howard's quite fit for his age.
The age when he left, or the age he's going to be by the time he gets home? I think Wesley's a bit heavy with the oil, especially on his overalls.
Try as they like, I don't think cookery will ever replace good food.
Don't you get fed up watching all these cookery programmes?