Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s24e09 Episode Script

Oh, look! A balloon with a Howard on a string.
You ignore me if I just knock on the door.
That's probably because I'm trying to ignore you.
Don't go away.
It gets lonely out here.
It shrinks the spirit.
A person feels unwanted.
Sorry to bother you, but something's come up.
Correction, Howard.
Something is about to GO up.
I liked that balloon.
If you'd learn to live happily with just a balloon, I'd buy you one.
What colour? Norman Clegg's just lost his balloon.
What you doing with a balloon? What are you doing with HIM? He's quite right.
I'm a fine one to talk.
But I know what I'm doing with you today - you're hospital-visiting with me and Roz.
I hate hospital-visiting! But it cheers people up when they realise they look better than you.
And at least I know where you are.
How long have you been interested in balloons? Oh, it's just a passing fancy.
I hope it passes quicker than some of Howard's.
Well, basically, it's just to keep me occupied until my skateboard comes.
No good trying to end it all here - there's only six inches of water.
I don't want to end it all - six inches is just about right.
I see.
You're ending it gradually - by instalments.
A flexible solution.
Fit it to any circumstances.
Very handy.
It could catch on.
Tha used to be married, Truly.
Oh, don't get me going.
We shall be jumping together.
Did she have a brother? She was the only one.
They took one look and cancelled all future plans.
Mine has a brother.
Fair enough - you can't argue with that.
But she lets him stay.
Guess who's supposed to entertain him? Is there a problem? Tha must be joking.
It's like baby-sitting a lump of wood.
I don't know what you have to do to raise a giggle - get run over.
He never smiles.
He's got being miserable down to a fine art.
He's like a concert pianist - he practices 12 hours a day.
We'll give you a hand with him.
Introduce him to the pleasures of messing about.
He wouldn't know where to start.
We'll show him.
He's obviously got a blockage in his frivolous region.
Clearly a case for Truly of the Yard.
Hello It looks as if misery could be contagious.
Bad as all that, Howard? I'm going hospital-visiting Yes, that IS bad.
.
.
with Pearl and Roz.
Gets worse.
Hospital-visiting with the ladies! Almost as much fun as being sick.
By what lucky chance did they drag YOU in? It's cos she'll know where I am.
You'd think I couldn't be trusted.
It's not funny.
It means I shall miss an appointment.
Oh, an appointment! Speaking of which, I wonder if you could deliver a message for me Can't do it - I've been allergic to strange women ever since the former Mrs Truelove.
That's nice(!) Encouraging(!) Supportive(!) Is he still looking for volunteers? What you need, Howard, is someone a lot more easily talked into things.
Someone willing, reliable, barmy.
Someone more easily talked into things! Barry! I wonder if you could do me a favour.
I'm only too glad to help, if it's possible.
You're a good lad, Barry.
Not like some.
It's a cold world out here, Barry.
I'm beginning to notice.
I thought it'd be enough to keep your shoes and car clean and put your bin out.
There's a young lady I'm slightly acquainted with through a mutual interest in the environment.
I'm not buying.
Edie does all that.
I'm not selling.
Calm yourself, man.
I can't stand grown men going to pieces.
Not selling? Is this some kind of trick? I want to hire you and your Land Rover - I'm negotiating with this farmer.
Terrible, mean, hard, old person.
That'll be a duel worth seeing.
If it's going to be entertainment, you'll not want a fee.
Just pay me for the diesel.
Terrible dear stuff, that diesel.
Forget it.
All right.
I know when I'm beaten.
There'll be another two in a minute.
Billy's bringing his brother-in-law.
Oh, four cups of tea.
I shall never cope with the rush.
Is this some other barmy beggar or is this one normal? Too normal, says Billy.
Needs to lighten up.
Normal? And he's fallen into the hands of you lot! It's a holiday for him.
Good luck, Billy's brother-in-law.
The least we can do.
Come on, then, Bradley.
I'll wait out here.
Looks like a salmonella shop to me.
What did he say? He'd better wait outside.
If he comes in here, I shall hit him with my brush.
Where did you find him? He came with the wife.
It was a package deal.
I've seen more desirable packaging.
An expression like that makes me ask if he's got previous convictions.
Not for enjoyment, he hasn't.
I wonder if it's him that trains all those people you find behind shop counters Ohpresent establishment excepted, of course.
What is it? If you must know, it's an inflatable animal feeding trough.
Do they take much feeding, these inflatable animals? You can't get the staff.
I'm not surprised, at your wages.
It doesn't look like a feeding trough.
Is that an expert opinion? Have you seen one before? No.
Bit out of your depth, then.
It makes a bloke cough when he's lifting it.
It's heavy.
Nobody said it was a lightweight portable animal feeding trough.
Should we tie it on? This weight? It's hardly likely to blow away in the breeze! It's a rough track up to that farm.
I don't want anybody falling off.
It could mean instant dismissal.
On the other hand, if you do fall off, it amounts to you submitting your resignation and leaving my payroll.
Therefore I'm not liable for any damages.
Did you see those little wooden steps by the door, Wesley? You've got a good eye for a bargain, lad.
£20 and they're yours.
What are you looking for? Hey up! He's taking an interest.
What do I say? What ARE we looking for? When in doubt, ask a policeman.
Tell him, Truly.
You tell him.
I'm looking for what you're looking for.
Newts! That's a nice thing to say to your brother-in-law.
No wonder he's miserable.
Miniature dragon kind of creature.
Oh, them.
Seen one, you've seen 'em all.
Wow! He really is taking an interest(!) I telled thee.
He's impossible.
Nobody's impossible - except possibly the former Mrs Truelove.
Perhaps if we appeal to his aesthetic instincts.
He doesn't appeal to mine.
Don't you find it fascinating the way things look in crystal-clear water? No.
You're right, he's impossible.
And I married his sister.
Gives you some idea what a shrewd judge I am.
I wish I'd kept Howard's balloon now.
At least it had a smile on its face.
Bradley! Credit where it's due - in these few inches of water, it's possible to find a whole fascinating world in miniature.
Not without getting wet.
Now, can you see the humiliation? Me, Billy Hardcastle, direct descendant of Robin Hood, related by marriage to some twit who won't even try to get wet.
Well, maybe he had a nasty experience.
Nothat's still to come.
Bradley, what's this about not getting wet? I've seen it before.
Oh, not just the newt.
Next thing, it's a chill, and before you know itbingo! Bingo? There you are in a coffin.
Where at least it's dry.
I told thee - a laugh a minute.
What do you do for amusement, Bradley? Amusement? I read a lot.
About what wiped out the dinosaurs, about meteorites colliding with the Earth, super-powerful volcanoes, the end of the world - stuff like that.
I think I'll wait for the musical.
I understand he's her brother, but does your missus still manage to love this person? Oh, aye It's me she's not sure about.
Oh, hello, Barry.
Come in, love.
Oh, no, I can't stop, Auntie Roz.
I wanted to ask advice.
Why? What's your problem? You're a woman of the world That was another world.
I'm not sure I'd want to be a woman of this one.
I'm not good with women.
Me neither.
II seem to have become involved with another woman.
Oh, Barry! No, not MY other woman - some other person's other woman.
I don't have another woman.
I don't want one.
So, what are you doing with another woman? That's what I'm wondering.
If YOU don't know It's just this certain person, who has to remain anonymous, can't keep an appointment with a certain lady.
I've to meet her and give her a lift home! Tell Howard to collect his own women.
What's your problem? Suppose somebody sees me? I'll vouch for you.
You're not the type.
Thank goodness.
It's just my luck to be seen.
People talk! They'll forget I keep my shoes and car clean.
Chin up.
Wear something different.
Make it hard for people to recognise you.
And don't be any longer on this job than you're forced.
Not that you're a reliable witness, but we took your word for it that he'd follow.
I assumed he'd follow.
Everybody likes climbing trees.
Correction - nearly everybody.
In the absence of any further motive, we might as well go down.
Could I point out that if we hadn't struggled up here, we would have been down? Think of a better idea.
You're the ones who said we'd cheer him up.
We thought he was human.
That's not a nice thing to say about anybody.
See for miles.
Great view from up there, Brad.
It's just hills and stuff.
They're all right going down, but up's a beggar.
Well, that takes care of landscape.
Um, what do you do at home, Bradley? Do? For fun.
Fun? We're on a boiling rock in the middle of nowhere and the sun's going to die in about 500 million years.
You think it's the kind of place to be having fun? The sun's going to go out? In half a billion years.
I hope it's not going to mean more rain.
It means we're all dead unless we've moved on.
We'll have moved on to some other planet.
I hate moving.
We moved once, from Brook Street.
Broke a china figurine - a dancer with a frilly skirt.
Lost an arm.
Of course, we turned her round so the broken arm was facing the wall.
As you come through door, she looked all right.
There you are, then.
The human gift for improvisation.
It might even see us through the sun going out.
Still got an arm missing, though.
If she's got both legs, that's more important if she's a dancer.
That's true.
A one-legged dancer could be in real trouble.
Maybe if they all formed a chorus line.
The high kicks could be tricky.
They'd have to do it in shifts.
What's funny about a broken dancer? He's right.
It were Capodimonte.
Don't be dawdling just because I'm paying for the petrol.
It don't work like that.
The faster I go, the more we use.
Well, slow down, then.
What are we tearing up this road for? "Do Not Press".
Do not press what? This.
THUMP! If this farmer says my inflatable feeding trough looks like a rubber boat, back me up and explain to him.
Explain what? That all rubber boats are based on the design of the inflatable feeding trough.
Why did you press it? It's the urge to explore, which has enabled mankind not only to reach the moon, but to be lying on his back in the middle of the road.
Tide out, is it? Right, you two, don't unload it yet.
I've got to whet his appetite first.
Well, where've they gone? They don't usually move that fast.
They were there last time I looked.
You don't think they've fallen off? I suppose it's just possible despite the high standard of driving.
Oh, dear.
Make a note of the time.
They owe me for the hire of one inflatable.
It's dark in here.
Just hold it steady and follow me.
Oh, hold it, Smiler! Hold it! Ohno! Well, it's found it's home! Let's see if it floats.
Should we be floating a portable inflatable animal trough? Smiler, they use these in the Navy.
Can't they afford boats? Nowadays, probably not.
Come on! Get in! Yeah! Looks as if his sun's gone out already.
A lot like the missus - could be twins.
As long as you can tell them apart.
You can't tell that pair anything.
How long are we going to hang about here? Look around you, Bradley - the scenery, the beauty! People come for miles just to leave their litter.
You know what you've got here, don't you? Huge amounts of territory being wasted on nothing happening.
Well, if you will wipe out all the dinosaurs.
There's always summat happening.
Such as? It's only last winter I had this terrible boil.
Back of the neck - talk about showing a red light to the rear.
Traffic stacked up for miles waiting for him to go green.
He suffered the attentions of an affectionate moth.
You're barmy, you lot.
We try.
It's the constant pitch of anticipation.
You never know what's gonna come round the bend.
Hey up.
Don't worry.
If it doesn't stop, we'll get the next one.
Leave this to me.
Give us a hand! Give us a hand! Where did you get this? It fell off the back of this vehicle.
Oh, THAT kind of boat.
He pressed what he shouldn't have.
This button leapt at me finger.
It was terrifying.
Don't let Smiler get with Bradley.
Together, they'll depress the global economy.
Well, at least it brought a flush to Smiler's cheeks.
It brought a flush to mine, I can tell you! It's at times like this, you realise the limitations of the headache pill.
Are we going or aren't we? Call me optimistic, but maybe a bit of a cruise is just what Bradley needs.
Where's the boat? What useless pillock let go of the rope? Wellit can't have gone very far.
Don't just stand there! Let's get after it.
This is the peak of excitement, as well - standing here, looking at a rubber thing.
They say the simple pleasures are the best.
They could be lying.
Well, they're no good for falling off Land Rovers with.
What about you?! Them legs are lethal in the air.
There was a lady I had to interview in Walthamstow with a similar reputation.
This'll do it.
As used by Robin Hood.
I see Absolutely useless! As used by Robin Hood.
What we need is a volunteer.
They're looking at ME.
Why are they looking at ME? I can't believe it of your Barry.
He's too dozy for infidelity.
It's one of his best qualities.
I couldn't believe it either, but he's acting suspiciously.
In what way? Acting guilty.
He's up to something.
Not your Barry.
He's too dozy.
Get off! Give up! My Barry's not dozy.
He can work our video recorder.
Do you want him dozy or up to something? If you've any sense, you'll settle for dozy - I did, and we've been married happily for 50 years.
I want you to talk to him.
I want you to get to the bottom of it.
He daren't lie to YOU.
All right Aye.
Goodbye.
Oh, I'm so sorry we've had to cancel this hospital visit.
I was so looking forward to it.
A word to the wise Watch it, or I might be visiting YOU! Look! You see what I mean? What am I going to do? You're going to follow him! It'd leave a bad taste in my mouth.
It's like medicine - that's how you know it's doing you good.
Now, stand by for my signal.
Jump into the middle of the boat, keeping your legs bent for a soft landing.
Or keep thee head bent for an even softer.
Get ready, Brad! Tha'll enjoy this.
I haven't, so far.
Are you sure he's just miserable? Maybe his meteorite's late arriving.
Ready at this end.
I'd be more ready at that end.
GO! What did you do that for? You're supposed to stay in the boat.
It threw me out.
Your women throw you out, too.
It's becoming a habit.
Do you think he's worth all this bother? It's force of habit.
I don't think I've been this deep in country since a Mr Birkinshaw.
I expect it looks different when you're on your feet.
He invited me to go bird-watching.
You didn't fall for that one, did you? I did.
It turned out he really meant bird-watching.
He is! He's meeting a woman.
I still can't believe it of your Barry.
There's probably some simple explanation.
Like what? Like he's really tricky.
You'll have to get him overalls.
They don't stray far in overalls.
And if he did, you'd see where he'd been.
Oh Howard? Howard? Glenda? Why are you with this woman, Barry? Yes, I was wondering that.
HE can explain.
What's going on? It's some domestic dispute.
I don't think we ought to get involved.
I wonder who led Barry into that! He's very inexperienced.
Yes.
He'll have to learn to keep the ladies entirely apart.
Yes I'm all right where I am.
In a deep depression.
Wouldn't you care to reconsider that? Why walk when you can ride? I'd rather stay dry.
- Do any of us look wet? - Fancy giving him the opportunity to answer that.
Well, off we go then.
You'll be sorry, Bradley.
He looks sorry now.
That's because he always looks sorry.
Keep your finger off that valve.
What valve? That valve.
Oh, THAT valve.
AIR ESCAPES I liked him better when he was miserable.