Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e01 Episode Script

Oh, she looks great when she's in polish.
I think she likes it.
I think she likes ME.
Come inside, Barry.
I can't see her if I'm inside.
I want to talk to you.
What is it? Come inside, Barry, and sit down.
What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
I just want a word with you.
I knew it - something's wrong.
I don't want you to get upset, Barry.
You're in love with somebody! You've been swept off your feet by some Romeo.
Oh, Glenda, tell me it's not a pedestrian.
I'm in love with YOU! Then why are you leaving me? Nobody's leaving you! Then why am I sitting here, waiting for bad news? It's not REALLY bad news.
Mother's coming for tea.
Couldn't you have had a Romeo? .
.
Only joking.
No, what's to joke about? Your mother's coming for tea! But what I what I thought was funny He's coming.
Who's coming? Howard.
I can feel him.
I know when he's coming.
KNOCK It's uncanny.
Worse than that.
It's Howard.
Have you any overalls, Cleggy? Any old overalls? Howard, I was a lino salesman.
We wore a brown warehouse coat.
After 30 years' loyal service, they allowed us to give it back.
Tha's not the overall type.
Tha's more frilly pinny.
Not any more.
No, you're looking at Mr Handyman.
Ha! But Pearl does all her own repairs.
She mends your Scalextric.
You sprained your finger opening a packet of biscuits.
Who put the new shelves up? CRASH! What the Heckmondwike was that? Probably Howard's shelves falling down.
Is he all right? As opposed to being dead, for instance.
Well, it's moving.
The Eagle has landed.
Looks more like a folding bedstead.
Does anybody here speak English? I bring greetings from across the Channel.
Not only a bum pilot.
His navigation's well off.
Are you all right? Can you follow the movement of this finger? She's a saucy little French thing.
They're a bit forward, these intrepid aviators.
Do you think he's from outer space? I think he's out of something.
Shouldn't we take him in? You're not.
You don't know where he's been.
It's where he's come from that we ought to worry about.
If he starts saying, "Take me to your leader," I'm gone.
Er, can you move everything? One at a time will suffice.
I'm fine.
No problem - bulldog breed.
What was tha doing? Great.
And then something snapped.
Where were you heading? Well, the last thing I remember straight for the ground.
Well, you've reached it.
Where was tha heading for? For the altitude record.
How high did you get? Oh, well, above those chimneys.
Well, the lower ones anyway.
If at first you don't succeedetc.
I must say, I'm very impressed at the way you can all speak English.
This could be the one, kiddo.
"Lonely widow seeks a companion.
" How lonely? Well, let's hope very lonely.
She'd have to be.
She'd have to be seriously lonely.
You're a widow, Ivy That's not my advert.
Don't start spreading rumours! Whoa! All I'm saying is, you've got experience.
And not so much of that, either! Despite what you may have heard about wartime.
Experience at being a widow.
You could be a guide to this man here.
He's not practising on ME! You could advise and guide him into the arms of a lonely widow seeking a companion.
I wouldn't accept such a responsibility! The poor woman's not done me any harm! How old is this widow woman? Young 60.
Oh.
I was I was thinking more of, uh55.
If you're looking for something to match YOUR speed, try 85! If you advertised for a companion, Ivy, what would you look for? I should be looking for psychiatric help, because it would mean I'd gone peculiar.
How long has tha been hang-gliding? Since yesterday.
And it shows.
I calculated I'd be so high, I'd come down in France.
Tha were better off crash-landing than reaching France.
How far have you travelled? From Cooper's factory roof.
That's about three streets away! Maybe you should go for the SHORT distance record.
I was after altitude.
Up there with the real flyers.
How were you planning to breathe? Sucking in and blowing out has always been adequate.
Sorry if this comes as a surprise, but there's no air up there.
I knew that! I was going to take in a great lungful before I got there.
Tha were right, Cleggy.
He IS from outer space.
Have you considered taking up something less technical? Staying in bed, for example.
I want the name Alvin Smedley to be in the history books.
I want it known that somewhere Alvin was first.
Couldn't you explore something? Likeare you really well? I would if there was anything left.
But there's nothing left, is there? What's left that's not been explored? There's Nora Batty.
It'll probably stay left.
I want somewhere where I can be a first.
To be in the record books? We should respect our forefathers, but they grabbed everything.
Did one of them think, "Why don't we leave this bit for Alvin?" What you need, Alvin, is better management.
The strength of a team behind you.
I thought you were cleaning your car.
It no longer soothes.
Why is your mother coming for tea? That's what mother's do - come for tea.
She came last year.
Don't be rotten.
My mother's welcome to come for tea.
She comes to check up on ME.
Don't be silly! She's thinking, "Has he stopped beating my daughter?" She just likes to check we're all right.
Why don't you tell her? Next time she says she's coming, tell her, "No, we're all right.
" Go and clean your car.
I'll clean it when your mother's here.
You will not.
You'll sit at the table with us.
Why do you want to explore anyway? I have this urge to pioneer.
Well, you only need the PION bit.
You've just landed on your EAR.
I want to make my mark before it's too late.
By the look of you, it already is.
See how people think I'm past it.
Time's pressing.
I don't want to be plain Alvin Smedley.
I wouldn't say "plain".
I think you're an outstanding Alvin Smedley.
But what's wrong with Sir Alvin Smedley? I'm ready.
One triumph and they'll start coming up to me and saying, "Please sign this for our Phyllis.
" Not here.
I'm a descendant of Robin Hood, and no chuff's ever asked me to sign anything for their Phyllis.
This bit on the moors here is very remote.
Why don't you explore that? It's not the same, is it? "Alvin Smedley - he explored that little bit of the moors over there.
" It's not like, "Alvin Smedley opened up America.
" I wish some beggar'd close it up.
Can you read a map? I want to go where there are no maps.
Oh, well, pick any city - it's called a one-way system.
I find there's only one thing to do, when a serious discussion like this is going nowhere.
It's an old explorer's trick, Alvin.
You take a bearing on the sun.
You divide it by pi R squared, and you find it's opening time.
Alvin can buy the first drink.
Me? Well, tha wanted to be first in something.
Ah, I woke up one morning and I thought, "I'm still Alvin Smedley.
"All these years I've always been Alvin Smedley.
"It's time to move on.
" What's tha want to be, Alvin? It'd be nice to be raised to the peerage, to be called something else.
Make the shot, Alvin.
Well, why don't you just change your name? Ah, it's not the same? Doesn't carry the same clout.
Alvin, why don't you make the shot first and then get raised to the peerage? I wouldn't mind being Lord Skelderdale.
That has a nice ring.
What can you do now for a peerage? Row a boat across the Atlantic? Done.
If tha built it, she'd leak.
Not at this speed.
He'd never get as far as a leak.
I ought not to be playing pool.
Time's passing.
ALL: Make the shot, Alvin! Do it! Before we all have a great hormonal disturbance and want a conservatory.
I'm doing it! He lands just like Alvin.
Nice one, Alvin.
Well, if you will rush people! You must get off to a good start.
Let the widow see you doing something she admires.
I haven't met her, yet.
I know! We've got to rehearse.
What shall I do that looks good? You'll tackle this ferocious dog.
I'm not tackling any ferocious dogs.
I'm busy enough with the widow.
It's not ferocious - it'll be Waldo.
You'll walk your widow here.
I'll be over the wall.
As you approach, Waldo's head will dart into view, looking and sounding evil.
The widow will panic.
You'll stride bravely forward and terrify the dog.
Why are we back on bicycles? Because you keep bending the car.
Fair enough.
Long as it's nothing personal.
You don't listen properly to your navigator.
I said turn left.
You were pointing right.
I was pointing at some clown who was driving recklessly.
I never saw him.
I was pointing at YOU! Uhh.
Then you turned right and hit that wall.
I felt I'd been pointing at the right person.
I didn't "hit the wall".
It was a glancing blow, unavoidable in the circumstances.
What circumstances? The high-speed chase.
We weren't in a Oh! Right! The high-speed chase! A bit further.
Right.
You've got the widow on your arm.
Start walking.
Woof! Woof! Woof! I shouldn't be lying here.
That's what the fella with the tray thought, when you were playing pool.
This is no way to become Lord Skelderdale.
Tha could become the first man to find a place without a McDonald's.
Why don't you try to be the first one to identify the holiday beetle? What's a holiday beetle? Billy missed one only recently.
Shot between his legs while he was drawing his bow.
I've never heard of it.
Drawing a bow? You pull the string.
I think somebody's pulling my string.
Don't be such a cynic, Alvin.
What I can tell you about the holiday beetle is that that wasn't one that's crept up your trouser leg.
Which leg? It went up with all six legs.
Don't make it spit.
It leaves blisters.
I can't feel anything.
That's the first sign - numbness.
It's not numb.
You're having me on! Not about the holiday beetle.
The authorities are worried.
Why do they call it the holiday beetle? It invades people's houses when they're on holiday.
When it's safe - unless it gets trampled on by burglars.
Highly coloured, lively creatures.
How does it know when people are on holiday? That's what science wants to find out.
They're desperate to get hold of a specimen.
Maybe it watches who stops leaving the milk bottles out.
What happens when they come home? While they're still groggy from waiting long hours at airports, it sneaks out.
What does it live on? Suntan oil and holiday brochures.
Give over! And every three months it sheds its sunglasses and grows a new pair.
Look at him.
His heart's not in it! He has to be deeply distressed to stop enjoying cleaning his car.
Is he feeling poorly? No - my mother's coming for tea.
Oh! Worse than poorly! I have to invite her, sometime.
What can I do? It does husbands good to suffer once in a while.
When I say, "once", of course I mean, "regularly".
They don't suffer for long, in my experience.
They soon get over it - with a little help from friends.
My Barry's not built for suffering.
He's got A levels.
None are! Their immune system fails, leaving everything to their wives.
Or an acceptable substitute.
I don't like my Barry suffering.
Oh, that's a shame! It's not half as much fun if you don't enjoy it.
What did I do? There you go - test your metal on that.
The lair of the cat creature.
I hope you lot are not jerking my string again.
I can solemnly swear on my mother's gravy.
That's a serious oath round here.
We have our Montagues and Capulets.
All down to gravy.
Nobody messes with his mam's gravy.
Hanging matter.
People have had to flee to Lancashire.
And there's no bigger flee than that.
Has anybody seen this cat? He means, "And lived".
There's been several sightings.
It's a big cat.
Huge.
It's not your fireside moggy.
You don't go in there shouting, "Hey, Pussy!" Of course, when we say Cat Creature, nobody's sure it is a cat.
All we know is, it's big and nasty.
It could be the wife's sister.
Has it killed anything? It's killed the trade in people going for picnics in the woods.
Tha's just in time.
I was planning a mission with a few merry men.
They're not just merry - they're usually legless.
It's the excitement.
Not everybody can handle it.
I know.
I failed Butlins.
You think I daren't do it, don't you? I don't need any merry men.
I'm not sharing the credit.
I want headlines like, "Lone Hunter Confirms Cat Creature".
Like your spirit! If you're not back by Thursday, we'll hold a tasteful little ceremony.
Ceremony? What's wrong with a rescue party? We don't like parties.
It's the Protestant ethic.
If it is the wife's sister, don't worry about the teeth - it's the tongue.
Yeah, well, er, I can't go just now.
I'm not dressed for it.
Did your mother-in-law come to tea? Now and again.
Just to make sure I were warming his pyjamas.
She spoilt him, then? You know what mothers are like.
Not really.
I spent all my time trying not to be one.
Why've you never had any children? We wanted to wait till he'd finished the spare room.
We're still waiting.
Well, where are you going in those? Oh, I'm breaking them in.
You can't just get into overalls and start working straight away.
You've got to get the hang of them first.
It's a huge personality shift.
How long has he been fluent in rubbish? Ages! You'll need extensive equipment.
I'd worry if you went without expensive I mean extensiveequipment.
She means expensive.
Basically, all I need is a pair of binoculars and a cheap camera.
Suppose it kills you! Do you want to be found with a cheap camera? I won't get that close.
But money is no object on the right occasion.
I do hope he survives.
I hate to lose a good customer.
You'll find it cheaper being dead, Alvin.
Unless she opens a branch.
He'll never get angel's wings after his hang-gliding.
You'll be wanting a hunter's outfit.
I'm not going to catch it.
You'll want camouflage.
She's right - tha'll need camouflage, Alvin.
Something to disguise what a crackpot you are.
And something for your own safety.
Safety? If it jumps on you, Alvin, it's not because it wants to play.
It sounds even more like the wife's sister.
You'll want mosquito netting.
Mosquitos?! What? Out here? And a canoe.
It's miles from any water.
That's what Noah said.
Hide that.
Don't let Alvin see it.
What's he got against Waldo? That's not Waldo.
That is the cat creature.
We have to borrow it for a while.
It can be arranged.
Ah, Barry! Ha, ha! You look as if you could do with a change.
We require a lift to the lair of the cat creature.
I'd love to, but my mother-in-law's coming to tea.
Barry, I am talking legendary creature - fierce and watchful.
Me, too, Mr Truelove.
A man in there's preparing to embark on this desperate expedition, single-handedly, to face-down the cat creature, and you'll miss this because your mother-in-law's coming? I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm going with you to the lair of the cat creature! Wouldn't that be dangerous? Compared to Glenda's mother, it's a pussycat.
Great! The day sets off gloomy and then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, comes the cat creature.
I'm in love with the cat creature.
You said overalls.
You didn't say big, blue, masculine overalls.
I thought you knew what I meant.
If you want overalls, this is all I can offer.
It's not that I don't like them, I just think we ought to leave town.
You see.
They're working already.
Here we go, then! Ready when you are, Howard.
Would you like a coat or something? A coat, no, but the "or something" we could think about - as long as it was in the best of taste.
What's my mother going to say? Oh, she'll think of something.
Tell her I'd love to have been here if it wasn't for this emergency.
Don't lie to me, Barry.
I'm not - I'm lying to your mother.
Where was Barry going in such a hurry? It's an emergency.
It looked like it, the way he was driving.
Here we are.
I hope it's a big cat.
I'll look a right dillop if it's cuddly.
It leaves a paw print the size of a dinner plate.
Guess who's for dinner.
A dinner plate? The large size.
Er, I think we'll have a little nip first.
I mean, there'sthere's no hurry.
I mean, it's probably been in there for years.
Getting hungrier.
Did we have to bring him? You'll be glad in an emergency.
The minute he hears your first scream, he'll swing into action.
Hey, this is all right, eh? Just like the greenwood.
That's cos it is the greenwood.
But this is a proper greenwood for me and my merry men.
You call him a merry man?! I'm worrying about this Cat Creature.
There is no Cat Creature! There's me and Waldo and you making rustling noises.
What kind of noise does this Cat Creature make? Let's find out.
Barry.
What? What? Do the Cat Creature.
I can't.
You don't get much call for it in a building society.
Oh, go on! Before Alvin comes.
Go on! Whooo! Howwwll! I don't think so, lad.
That was more your mouse creature.
Sends a shudder up your little finger.
Smiler, you have a go, hey! Give it some wellie! Eh? Go on! Suppose I make a noise like the Cat Creature and it hears me? It could be the beginning of a meaningful relationship.
What happened to the widow? She'll be impressed that you've been hunting the Cat Creature.
Tha could thrill her with Cat Creature impressions.
So come on lad, eh! Do it for the widow! MiaOWWW! I think that cat's been to the vet.
Thank you, Smiler.
Don't call us, we'll call thee.
Why don't you have a go, Mr Hardcastle? Well, no, I'm more your executive merry man.
I bet Robin Hood had to make his voice carry through the greenwood.
UNEARTHLY CRY That was great, Mr Hardcastle! Uh! Bit embarrassing, really.
I never realised I'd that much gob.
You should have asked us, we could have told you.
HAUNTING CRY What's that? Tranquilliser darts.
You don't think I'd go in there without protection? Are they likely to be fatal? I won't hurt it.
I need some photographs with it.
Just put it to sleep for a while.
What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Sounds reasonable to me.
Off you go, then, Alvin.
Is it likely to be dangerous? Not here.
I can't see us being in any danger here.
No, I mean for them.
Oh, for them.
There might be a bit of danger for them.
That's what life's all about.
They'll be all right.
Can you see Alvin hitting anything with a dart? Look how far-off he was with the altitude record.
ANGRY SCREECHES HE SCREECHES SCREECHING SCREECHES Eeouiiiiowww! SCREECHING CONTINUES GUNSHOT YELPS I'll tell thee what, the ale's improving round here.