Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e03 Episode Script

DOORBELL TINKLES Just one moment.
KEY TURNS IN LOCK Is she psychic, or have I had a breach of security? I can't remember the last time I breached anybody's security(!) You didn't know that, as the tenth customer of the day, you win my star prize? Oh, good heavens! What star prize? You get the opportunity to buy my star bargain at an even further reduction.
An even further reduction?! What star bargain? The jewel in my crown.
A reconditioned twin-tub washer with spin-dryer.
No, I don't think so.
My mother does all that.
You could lighten her load.
She wouldn't thank me for it.
She likes overwork and being harassed.
She's of that generation.
If you've set your mind on something more expensive What did you want? I'm looking for a hairnet.
Oh! An entire hairnet(!) Now, let me see.
Nets Nets.
"Where have you been?" she said - in that tone they reserve for late-home husbands.
I know it well.
Mrs Truelove had diplomas in it! At that time in a morning, you say the first thing you think of - usually rubbish.
Not only at that time of the morning! Let's be fair, Billy.
You're pretty good at rubbish ALL day.
Thank you.
"Where have you been?" she said.
Quick as a flash, I said, "Church.
" I realise now it wasn't all that convincing(!) At two o'clock in the morning?! That's what she said.
I can see where there'd be a smidgen of doubt.
You live dangerously, Billy.
It's in the blood.
I laugh at danger.
Doesn't lie worth a damn.
That's what her sister said.
Was she there? In a vandal-proof nightie! I know the ones.
A source of comfort to men who like a good night's sleep.
I always felt secure in bed.
There was so much armour plating, it was like being in your own bunker.
GEARS CRUNCH ENGINE BANGS Hello! It's the electric Entwistle.
ENGINE FAILS TO START Hey, tha's only running the battery down.
I know the feeling.
You look like an ancient civilised people.
What's the trouble? Tha's not been spending much on it.
Apart from that.
Bit tight with a penny, Entwistle? We're raised that way.
It's part of our culture in Hull.
I think the trouble is you need a new truck.
What I think is, it's wonderful that you lot should come along just when a weary traveller needs help.
I thought he'd be shoving, as well.
Devilish tricky - these wily beggars from Hull.
The trouble is you need a new pick-up.
She's barely been run in.
Run DOWN is closer.
You're a terrible lot.
This is an authentic antique pick-up.
Sort of Ming dynasty pick-up I turned and he'd gone.
Aren't you used to that? It gets complicated.
An element of mystery.
Do tell! The case of the missing wheelbarrow.
He's gone off with a wheelbarrow?! See what I mean? Gets complicated.
He thinks he's Romeo on a bicycle.
I'd almost adjusted to that, when he needs a wheelbarrow! I've had some experiences in my time, but nothing that required a wheelbarrow! Cleggy thinks he's doing something for the community.
Don't they stick together, eh? HE'LL need sticking together when I've finished! She sounds all right.
When you get a load on, it squeaks.
This would be a very economical way to travel.
What are you three doing the rest of the week? Recovering! If we're not past it! I've never had so much fun since I carried the missus over the threshold.
I hope I'm not developing a hernia.
I'm experiencing a nasty twinge in the region of the truncheon.
He's from Hull.
From Hull? I didn't realise he was as foreign as that.
NOT a big spender.
Shows character.
Hey-up! Looks like you've got a bit of rust.
My vehicles always looked like this.
Sounds like my kind of guy.
It's no good him looking.
He can't mend a squeaky handcart.
There's no squeak.
It has no moving parts! What am I supposed to do with something with no moving parts? That's exactly how I used to feel about boy-meets-girl.
I could understand the meeting bit, but then what? How did thee manage to get married, Cleggy? I can't have been paying much attention! No good if you do.
How can you tell, you see? How can you tell that that attractive young thing will turn into the former Mrs Truelove? It's all clear, Howard.
Are you sure? I may be only a simple young thing, but I know all clear when I see it.
Couldn't we have found a quieter back way? This IS the quieter back way! I'm not ashamed to be seen with you, just people get the wrong impression.
Especially me! It's good of you to help me.
I didn't know where to turn.
I don't mind helping you.
I just wonder WHY you bought it.
I didn't buy it.
I was sold it.
There's a difference! I went for a hairnet.
So why did you buy camouflage netting? I am not a fool, Howard.
I know a bargain when I see it.
It might be handy if there's a war.
Go on.
Look on the bright side(!) There's a lot of work needs doing.
When you say "needs doing", I'm assuming you mean inexpensively.
Plus a battery.
I don't fancy that.
Going all flash with a new battery.
I think he IS from Hull.
"Whatever you do," my grandfather said, "don't lose that battery.
" Was he tight, as well? Oh, yes.
A great inspiration.
Ah Smiler's like that.
Never buys a drink.
I'm usually pushing the handcart.
Very glib with his excuses.
Still, you don't like to see a bloke sufferingeven if he is from Hull.
That's the trouble with the world.
Too many people hate spending money.
You learn that when you sell things! Is the Hull gentleman in pain? A nasty burning sensation in the pit of his wallet! My Uncle Cyril was a non-spender Uh, until he met a Mrs Teasdale! Do you hear that, Entwistle? Tha needs a Mrs Teasdale.
Does she come with a new battery?! I may have a new battery at the allotments.
Fetch it on the handcart.
I'll stay and check the engine.
- What about the noise? - He'll stay.
.
.
Won't you, Billy?! - The cart squeaks.
- It doesn't squeak.
It squeaks when you put weight on.
We'll soon find out.
You hold the cart, Smiler.
.
.
Tom, get on.
With him driving? You're not going trans-Sahara.
He's wheeling you round the yard! Hold it steady.
And I don't want any racing starts.
Tha's safe with Smiler - when it comes to racing starts! Go on.
Wheel him about, and we'll listen for the squeak.
Listening for a squeak?! Are your lives always so exciting? Not mine.
The missus won't allow it.
I failed excitement.
I never knew what to wear for it! I didn't hear any squeak.
Did anyone hear a squeak? He's not heavy.
It squeaks when there's a load on.
You're a happy bunny, Barry.
Oh, I am.
I'm no longer excommunicated from golf.
The captain's friendly.
You're looking at Mr Pleased With Himself.
I'm here.
You're going in the car - full of the wonder of golf, forgetting to kiss me goodbye! I'll be back after 18 holes.
You forgot to kiss me.
I didn't forget.
I was just working up to it.
I thought, let's hit her with the hormone pedal.
Let's give her one she'll never forget.
Oh, Barry! Where did you learn that? You don't learn it.
You've either got it, or you haven't.
ENGINE FAILS TO START Why can't I make a good exit? Why does this always happen to me? I want you to get that good mood back.
You've never kissed me like that before! I will not have you losing that good mood, Barry.
If it gets any cosier, I'll have to take you lot home to meet me parents.
Right.
Off you go, then, Smiler.
Ready when you are.
There's no squeak.
There is from Smiler.
SMILER: You'd think I was a donkey.
BILLY: I knew Smiler was familiar.
I fell off him at the seaside! Tom, where is this squeak? It's down there.
Somewhere underneath He was only going to play golf, but our Glenda seems to think it's something urgent.
I don't know what's got into her.
I'm glad you came along for the ride.
Just watch out for somebody with a missing wheelbarrow! Oh, get Oh, no! Oh, get him out before he goes blue.
BILLY: It's too late.
He IS blue.
Oh, well That takes the pressure off.
Not round my neck it doesn't! I still never heard that damn squeak! I still say there's a squeak.
We'll have to cut him away.
This is a good tie! IF you like wearing it with a wheel.
Ooh Where are you going? There's a limit to how long you can stand looking at a person being strangled by a handcart.
Seen one, seen 'em all.
Get me out! If we do, then it's straight to the pub and guess who's paying? Deal! Right, then.
How near to the throat does tha want it? Uh? Oh, God! This is a good tie.
I like this tie.
Who's he? He's from Hull.
Ooh, I think he's come the long way round! He's quite attractive.
Didn't they invent the wheelbarrow? I'll go and enquire.
Excuse me.
Did you invent the wheelbarrow? Not personally, love.
I might have, if I'd known they'd be of interest to attractive ladies.
SHE GIGGLES I think he were moving faster than wheelbarrows! Mr Simmonite! GROWLING Not that old one again, Mr Simmonite.
GROWLING GETS LOUDER Get this down you, lad.
We're under strict orders to get you cheered up.
As opposed to completely plastered.
Whose orders? Thee missus.
You'll soon get back to golf, Barry.
Glenda's going to call you as soon as the car's ready.
In the meantime, here's a thought.
Why don't you entertain us all with a medley of old golfing songs? Sometimes you think the whole world's against you In the police force, you feel like that ALL the time! Do you lot play golf? We invented it.
I thought that was a Scotsman.
No way! We're not taking the blame for inventing Scotsmen.
They invented gunpowder.
You're a knowledge box! I've always been like that.
Quiet, please! There's a man here with half a tie would like to propose a toast.
Unaccustomed as I am to standing on ceremony in public houses - if only because it sometimes gets more difficult to stand - I feel the occasion calls for a toast.
To Barry, and his future in golf.
Ooh, I'll drink to that.
Aah Ye gods.
You've had Dyno-Rod in! At least he's left the glass! I never knew he could drink like that.
I never knew either.
- Now look what we've done.
- WE'VE done? He did it by himself.
Head straight in the ashtray.
Hole in one! Takes to unconscious like a native.
Glenda said, "Get him into a better mood.
" She didn't say anything about launching him into space.
He'll come round! He just needs fresh air - preferably in a glass.
Barry hates fingermarks on his car.
I hope he can manage without touching anything.
That's what your mother used to say when we started courting.
Yours, too? Oh, she was dreadful, dreadful.
She was lovely, but she was dreadful.
She had this vision of Judgement Day with God getting rid of anybody that stayed out after ten o'clock.
When you look at things now, you can see how right they were.
Mother thinks I shouldn't be out after ten! Does she? Let me tell you something.
I've seen your mother getting close to being late a couple of times.
My mother? Yes, your mother.
My sister.
Anyway, if you put your mind to it, it's amazing what can be done BEFORE ten o'clock.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
The ignition module's gone.
This is it?! This is the ancient remedy? Sitting him on a wall? There's more.
You're going to drip water on his head? No.
Tha's going to burn incense.
I'm fresh out of incense.
You apply pressure to nerve centres and he's temporarily paralysed? Look at him.
He IS temporarily paralysed! What's next, then? We dangle him upside down.
Impressive stuff this wisdom of the East.
That's it? We just dangle him upside down? Gets the blood back to the brain.
How big is the drop? Doesn't matter.
We're not going to drop him.
It's not far.
You'd not say that if it were you.
Well, no.
It's too far for me upside down.
But, in his condition, he'll never notice.
Does it work? Does it work?! There's thousands of years' of experience behind this.
And a lot of headaches.
I don't think he's at home.
He wouldn't know if he was upside down.
Right, lads, tip him backwards.
Grab his feet, Smiler.
This is like pushing a handcart.
At least he doesn't squeak.
BARRY SINGS TUNELESSLY Correction.
He DOES squeak! Don't let him go.
Nobody's going to let him go.
You come here for a bit of quiet camouflage.
Next thing Look what you've done.
What have we done? Ye gods, Howard! You'll be popping out of rabbit holes next.
I thought somebody must've rubbed an old lamp.
Great trick, but how do you get him back in the bottle? Nice one, Howard.
Wonderful timing(!) You just made them drop Barry.
I don't see how you can blame it on a person accidentally tangled in netting.
What were you doing? I'm not sure if anything was planned, but it hadn't happened yet Is Barry all right? I daren't look.
He's singing again.
Any more bright ideas, Entwistle? Not if you're going to keep dropping them.
Have you finished with that netting? Yes.
I'm not going under there againunless absolutely forced.
He must have gone straight to golf.
But we've got his clubs.
You'd be better off at home.
He'll go back home.
They do.
Everything's going fine, then they decide to go back home! CAR APPROACHES That's Roz's car.
That's Pearl in it.
I see He gets himself back in the bottle! Fine day for an outing, ladies.
That's my Barry on the cart.
He's had a little outing, too.
He's still on it.
He's all right, just a bit legless from singing.
Oh.
How can you get legless singing? It's an ancient practice learned from our friend from Hull.
They're up to summat.
It's always unsettling when men start smiling.
Barry! I thought you'd gone to golf.
Golf? Oh, heck! I'm late for golf.
He survives being dropped very well.
He's stone-cold sober.
I told you - ancient remedy! Yeah, but will there be a call for it? Oh, Glenda, you brought me clubs Oh, Barry! Aw Oh, Marina.
We've found it.
We should always have some camouflage netting.
It's the repo man.
I thought I saw Mr Simmonite.
Simmonite? Do we know a Simmonite? There's one in Upperthong.
Didn't he go to Poland? Poland?! For the sausage.
They run coach trips.
But you have to like garlic.
You probably saw me.
People tell me I've got a double round here.
I could swear I saw Mr Simmonite.
Can you describe him? Aye! Fast! You're right! It's terrific netting.
What do you owe this repo man, Tom? Oh, don't ask me! I don't trust his figures.
SMILER: How did you get in debt? TOM: That's easy! Getting out is the problem.
How you moved when you saw that repo man! Your father would have admired your footwork.
He knew a good mover when he saw one.
We need more footwork.
The repo man's car is parked and he's waiting.
- Oh, heck! - Blocking the way back to town.
Shows a certain occidental cunning.
Now, that's a bit persistent.
Calls for countermeasures.
Where's Howard and that netting? Don't forget to knock! They've got to come this way.
I'll have him! Ace repo man strikes again.
Our side labours under the handicap that most of the brains are on the other side Gone? Damn! The Creature From Another Planet.
Makes you wonder how he made inspector! No, not him! The film on the telly last night.
I think I've seen it.
Yeah, you will have seen it.
We've all seen it.
We've seen more creatures from other planets than from our own.
Why is the blood always green? I hate it when the blood's green! That's true.
They're always squidgy.
I've never seen a dry one.
The requirement of alien creatures - they have to leave a mess on your carpet! What would we do if we saw a creature from another planet? I shouldn't go poking holes in it! The gut instinct would be to leave it alone.
But it might not be dangerous.
That's not what worries me - it's all the paperwork! Can you imagine the paperwork? They'd check to see if we'd been polluted by alien life forms.
The wife does thatsince she found a blonde hair on my collar! The trouble I had persuading her it was from a Labrador! I hate it when things don't go right.
I get depressed.
People don't think we have emotions.
That we might read poetry, or play the violin.
Right.
They fooled me on the road, but the ace will have them.
Nothing's going to move me from here.
I've a reputation in this business.
BILLY: I wonder why those hikers started to scream? It's best not to enquire.
A little lesson I learned in the vice squad! TOM: I can't believe Smiler knew a barmaid - even one that squeaked.
SMILER: She was from Newcastle! TOM: Oh, well That explains it! And what's all this about carrying the wife over the threshold? You can see where second marriages get more difficult! I had too much to drink at the reception.
I believe it was the former Mrs Truelove who carried me!