South Park s25e06 Episode Script

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine Eat your breakfast, Stan, you're gonna be late for school.
You told me to finish my homework! Do both, come on guys, we gotta get going.
Hey whoa, whoa.
What the [BLEEP.]
is going on? I'm about to take the kids to school, why? Hello?! It's St.
Patrick's day.
I know I'm wearing green.
You guys this is Tegridy Weed's biggest day of the year.
I need help with the St.
Patrick's Day Special.
Sorry, Randy, the kids aren't missing school.
Come on, guys, let's go Okay, yeah, great, don't worry about it, I'll do it all myself.
Again.
Top O' the mornin' to ya! This is God damn ridiculous.
Piece a shit family How's it going, Randy? Ugh, I'm just so stressed out! We have to make a huge profit today or the whole year is [BLEEP.]
.
How's the St.
Patrick's Day Special? I think it's better than last year's.
Lemme see Oh, wow Wow This is gonna be our best special ever! Come on, let's get the truck loaded up! Let's sell what we can from our drive up booth, and then later we can hit the Irish bar.
What the [BLEEP.]
? Hey! Excuse me! Oh, good morning, Randy.
What do you think you're doing? Oh.
We're, uh, doing a St.
Patrick's Day Special.
No, you're not.
Uhh, yeah.
We are.
So first you steal my idea of selling weed and now you're stealing my idea of doing a St.
Patrick's Day Special! Pretty sure St.
Patrick's Day wasn't your idea.
Is that right? Okay Game on, mother[BLEEP.]
.
Loo loo loo! It's St.
Patrick's Day! Looo loo loo! De doot be do! Come on Butters, time for school! Okay, mom! Ohhh dad, are you wearin' green or are you gonna get a pinch? Ha ha I've got a green tie on, you little rascal! And I'm wearing a green scarf! Okay! Well someone's gettin a pinch today! Hey, Clyde! You got your green on! Hey Jimmy! Nice green pants! Tee-hee! Te hee hee hee! Happy St.
Patrick's Day, fellas! - Hey, Butters.
- You guys all look very festive! Yeah, it's super fun.
St.
Patrick's Day rules.
Oh, I hope they put green food coloring in our milk at lunchtime again like last year! Uh-oh! Hey, Kelly-Ann! What's going on? What do you mean? Looks like someone forgot what day it was! Ha ha! Pi-i-i-i-nch! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do anything wrong, honest! Do you know what sexual assault is? I'm so sorry! Please! It's just Well, she had it comin' on account of the way she was dressed! Ohhh! Wow, kid, wow! Alright.
Take this shithead to the station and book him for sexual assault of a minor.
Oh, jeez, I didn't know Kelly-Ann was a minor! Well, she didn't have a mining helmet or a pick axe or anything! Okay, looks like you assaulted a nine year old girl No prior history assault took place at an elementary school.
But But, sir, it's St.
Patrick's Day.
Look, I know! It's St.
Patrick's Day, right? If people don't wear green, they get pinched! Yes! Right! Yeah Only one problem.
The little girl you pinched? Kelly-Ann Barlow? She was wearing green socks.
You're a goddamn sexual predator.
Don't let him jack off in here! These types always mess up my jail! Welcome, everyone, welcome.
Thank you for coming to Credigree Farms! Randy, we all see you behind the bush.
Everyone sees you.
Oh.
Uh A very happy mornin', everybody! And a foine St.
Patrick's Day to all of ye.
I don't know if ya noohticed.
But, uh, there's a farm across the street selling weed also And the owner is actually 10 par-cent Irish! So, obviously, you're upset that you don't seem to have any customers.
What I'm upset about is a wee little thing called "cultural appropriation".
Ever heard of it? That's why we can't wear sombreros on Cinco de Mayo.
Why we can't dress like Indians on Halloween.
What's your point? I'm looking at my point, you racist son of a bitch.
You have no right to wear that stuff.
It is offensive.
Come on, guys! St.
Patrick's Day is the one day of the year we have left where we can actually celebrate being white.
Any other day that we tried to be proud of our culture, we would get immediately cancelled by Twitter! And yet for some reason, you're all over here, buying your weed from someone who is fine mocking our customs and traditions.
Maybe they're here because my St.
Patrick's Day Special is better than yours.
Okay, yeah Yeah, let's arrest the white leprechaun.
Cuz, you know, can't have one day for a mostly white culture, right? Don't wanna get cancelled.
I guess don't arrest him for cultural appropriations? Guess Guess that only works one way, huh? - Leopold Stotch? - Yes? I'm the public defender that's been assigned to your case.
Ugh Okay Oh, God Is there a problem? Wul, it's just I mean What you're wearing.
You know, it's St.
Patrick's Day, you're not wearing any You don't have any green socks on, do you? No, I'm wearing yellow socks.
Ohhhhh God I wanna pinch you so bad I'm here to help you, okay? Now, this woman that you're accused of groping, were you two in any kind of relationship? No, ma'am, could you Maybe put on some green lipstick or something? Before you touched the victim, did she give you any kind of consent? Well, technically, yes! I mean, St.
Patrick's Day is a wonderful day where we remember a British Roman man who went to Ireland and converted the whole country to Christianity! And he used a clover to represent the Holy Trinity, so we're supposed to celebrate that by wearing green and if you don't wear green you get a pinch! And who is this St.
Patrick to you? See?! That's the problem! Nobody knows how great he really was.
Okay Can you show me where on the body you touched the girl? - Oh, God - Did you put your fingers inside her? I didn't finger nothin! I swear it was just a tiny little St.
Patrick's Day pinch! It was It was like this! Ohhhg! Oh! I am not representing this [BLEEP.]
animal! Ohhgu! We got some more St.
Patrick's Day offenders.
Well, it's 10 a.
m.
and you people are already wasted, huh? Yeah, yeah, copper, you got me, big deal.
Dear St.
Patrick If you're really up there I've always done my best to honor you on this most holy day You went to Ireland, and you got all those pagan worshippers to follow Christ.
If there's any way that you could help me now just, like, send me a leprechaun or something I will be forever your dark servant.
Amen.
Alright, we got us another one! Let's go, buddy.
Yeah yeah, you don't have to push me, copper.
Whoa When are you people gonna learn, huh? It's not even lunchtime, for Christ's sake.
I want my phone call.
Wow wee, are you a real leprechaun? Yeah, I'm a real [BLEEP.]
leprechaun! Alright! Are we gonna bust outta here or what? Hell yeah we're gonna bust outta here, what do you have planned? Awww, yeah And now back to the Credigree Weed St.
Patrick's Day Special.
Alright, there you go, happy St.
Patrick's Day and thanks for buying Credigree! Good afternoon, sir! Are you the creator of Credigree Weed? I am.
Well, I'm the owner of the Irish bar here in town.
Farty O'Cools.
We've got thousands of patrons today and I'm looking to score some weed.
You need marijuana for the Irish bar.
Well, everyone's been drinkin' since 9 a.
m.
But now they need something to take the edge off until they start doing coke at 7:30.
Well, I'm sure we can help you out.
How much Credigree are you looking to buy? Oh, I'd say we need about Oh, two and a half tons of yer St.
Patrick's Day Special.
Two and a half tons Alright! Well, we'll see ya down at Farty O'Cools! Are you crazy? How are we gonna get that much weed together in time? I don't know, babe, but this could really make our whole fiscal year! I just hope you're not overdoin' it again.
Don't worry, we're gonna blow everyone's mind with our St.
Patrick's Day Special! Awesome green hamburgers How clever Hello? Uh, yes, this is Randy Marsh, I've been incarcerated.
I need to speak with my attorney.
Dad, it's me.
You called the wrong person.
Yes, I am aware of that.
Listen to me carefully.
The canary is in the cage.
I don't know what the [BLEEP.]
you're talking about.
Oh, a confidential matter? Lawyer client privilege.
Uh, you know, there's an officer standing right here, actually.
Oh Oh it's okay, he's stepping away.
Stan! They got me locked up, you're gonna have to help me break outta here.
We have to stop them.
Stop who? Listen to me is your friend Tolkien there? Yeah, Tol-l-l-kien is sitting right here.
Yeah, well, his piece a shit dad is trying to take over the St.
Patrick's Day Special! I don't care.
You better care, because if we don't make money today you and sister are gonna starve.
Do you understand? And I won't be able to pay the Wi-Fi bill.
Okay, what do you want me to do? I need you to leave school, go home, and get a jar of the St.
Patrick's Day Special weed and sneak it into the police station.
Dad, it's St.
Patrick's Day.
We're gonna do a scavenger hunt at recess.
I'm asking you to do one little thing.
Ditch school, get weed, sneak into the police station.
Do it or no more Wi-Fi, I mean it! Piece a shit lawyer! St.
Patrick was not Irish.
He was a Roman British man who was made a slave by Irish Barbarians.
But St.
Patrick heard the voice of God and he used his situation for good, and God told him to be brave! And that is why On this one day of the year, we must be like St.
Patrick ourselves! The police don't even care about St.
Patrick's Day! Do you see any of them wearing green?! No! If we do St.
Patrick's bidding, he will provide for us! Okay, back in you go.
Pi-i-i-i-nch! Oh my God! Oh my God! He just touched me and he didn't ask for consent or anything.
Okay, okay, I'll take care of it Is that better? I just need to take a shower and cry.
Oh my God.
Can I help you? Hello, sir, we are with the Clover Club.
We try to spread a little St.
Patrick's Day cheer by donating baked goods to prison inmates who cannot celebrate this festive time.
Alright, it's your lucky day, folks, some kids brought you some holiday cheer.
Wha Wha What's happening?! What's happening? Hey, there, we brought you a cake.
I told you to bring me weed, not a cake! God dammit.
You You should just enjoy the cake.
You don't [BLEEP.]
listen to me, do you?! You're incapable of ever doing anything right because Oh, a cake.
Gaaaht it.
Thank you very much.
Whu Oh, hey, fellas.
How's your St.
Patrick's Day going, Butters? - Pretty good.
- Awesome.
Well, see ya.
- What are you gonna do? - It's simple There's always cops looking to make a score.
You just gotta find the one willing to trade some drugs for a favor.
And once they get a whiff of my St.
Patrick's Day Special, they won't be able to resist.
Oh Oh, man, that is strong I knew St.
Patrick would perform a miracle to get us out of here! Just like when he was a slave, he will help us go free! White people were slaves in history? Nuh-uh.
Gah, it's such a good special, it's just such a shame people are trying to ruin it.
Hey, my bruthuh.
You got a second? What do you want? You don't wanna miss out on the only white holiday still allowed, do ya? How'd you like to be able to, uh, celebrate a little? Yeah, of course I would, but I can't.
Hey guys! How'd you like to be able to celebrate a little?! Check it out! They're handing out free weed down at Farty O'Cools! It's the Credigree St.
Patrick's Day Special! Wow! - Ooh, hey, I'm in.
- No! Ooh da lolly! St.
Patrick's Day! Wow, look at it! I thought I wouldn't be able to get wasted till later! That's it.
It's over.
My plan is done.
It is not over! What did St.
Patrick say when he was taken from his homeland and turned into a slave?! St.
Patrick didn't give up! And when the Christians slandered him while he was trying to convert the heathen Irish, did he give up then?! Man, that is strong ass shit.
You can taste the Irishness.
This weed is amazing and it has so much cred.
You know, I've never really been a fan of the holiday Specials, but this one is really good.
Yeah! Whoa! You see?! The power of St.
Patrick compels you! - Oh! - Whoa! - Aah! - Aah! Yes, now use your clover rays! - Oh! Ugugghghh! - Whoa! Me golden coins of spite! - Oh! - Oh! And now for the thrilling conclusion of the Credigree St.
Patrick's Day Special.
My God! I never thought we'd sell this much weed! Keep it up, babe! We've still got a long way to go! Hey, everyone! Everyone! Everyone, quiet! Turn up the TV! Once again the town of South Park is on high alert after a sexual predator escaped from custody.
Everyone who's out at bars or restaurants for St.
Patrick's Day need to be on the lookout for the sexual psychopath.
Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park Police Station, where just moments ago a sexual predator broke free.
Surveillance cameras inside the station captured the dramatic escape.
Police claim they tried to stop the felon from escaping, but they were just, "Way too high.
" Back to to you, Tom.
I've been a wild rover for many's the year I've spent all me money on good weed and beer Towelie where is all the St.
Patrick's Day Special? Randy I I thought you were in jail.
The weed's all gone, does that mean you were able to sell it? Yeah I sort of sold it at half price to Tolkien's dad across the street.
- What?! - You were gone! Tolkien's dad said he'd buy all the weed and I figured that's what we should do! So you mean that right now everyone down at the Irish bar is enjoying my special and they don't even know it?! Randy, I'm sorr Come on, let's go! Thank you! Thank you! Thanks for choosing Credigree Weed! Stop right there, you piece a shit! Is everyone enjoying the special?! Randy I-I thought you were in jail.
Oh, yes, so did a lot of people.
But you see there's just one thing wrong.
This isn't Credigree Weed's special.
It's moine.
Babe! That's how you got so much weed?! I used both.
You see?! This is what happens when you appropriate a culture! It's sort of your special and it's sort of not your special And nobody knows whose special it is.
I guess I just let the holiday go to my head.
- But I learned that - No! No no no no no! You don't get to say what you learned 'cause it's not your special! This holiday is about Tegridy.
Oh my God! It's him! It's the sexual predator! - What, what, he's here?! - Uh oh! Stop right there! There he is, get him! Wahggh! Freeze! Ahghggh! Don't move, Weinstein, you've got nowhere else to go! Leave the child alone Ohh! Whoa-a-a! It's him! It's St.
Patrick! What exactly is going on here.
You've persecuted this little boy for grabbing people? Why, it's ridiculous! You've all besmirched a perfectly good white holiday.
Where we all like to get drunk and assault each other! It's St.
Patrick's Day! - Remember the reason for the season! - Oh, my God! Ooh! Hey! Who wants a pinch? Oh, yes, very nice! Hey, you can't do that, man! What do you mean I can't? Do you know what day it is?! Ah, see, here we go.
"Kiss me I'm Irish!" That's more like it! Oh, my God! No, you bought the shirt, bitch! Come on, let's have a go! It's me day! Take your dick out.
Who wants him to take his dick out? I will not! What is this? Are you people all some kind of Scottish poofters? Hey, that is a homophobic slur! You're calling me homophobic? Because I will gladly [BLEEP.]
any man here.
We celebrate St.
Patrick's Day for four simple reasons.
I.
Love.
To.
[BLEEP.]
.
Wow, St.
Patrick, wow.
You're a real jerk.
Yeah, what a creep.
Come on girls, let's go.
To hell with him and to hell with this Tegridy Weed St.
Patrick's Day Special.
Aw Aww! Where is everybody going? This party [BLEEP.]
sucks! Doesn't anybody want a pinch? The party is over A new day has come And now St.
Patrick's Day, the only holiday left where white people could celebrate a culture has been cancelled.
And as for the mysterious, sexually charged being who groped and assaulted so many.
He is doing five years community service.
Once again I shoulda never listened to what they told me in church.