Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e07 Episode Script

Ha! "Help - I'm alarmed.
Howard.
" What's he alarmed about?! You know Howard.
There's always something.
He can't have set the place on fire.
He would have said something, wouldn't he? Agh! Well, why don't we ask him? I think I just saw him passing.
Oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Have you hurt anything? Itit feels like everything.
Well, don't let any bits fall on the floor cos I've just cleared up.
I know the stairs are slower, but I was trying to attract your attention.
You did that all right.
I must have leaned out a bit too far.
I think I'd be inclined to describe it as a lot too far.
Can I get you anything? Perhaps a brain transplant? At least it never went off.
What never went off? The alarm.
Pearl's had an alarm installed.
Oh, it's terrible.
What's terrible about them? It's a wise precaution against intruders.
That's not what THIS is for.
She's got it fixed so it goes off when I sneak out.
Well, that IS tricky.
That's the Crown Jewels and YOU safe from being tampered with.
I feel trapped.
What do you mean trapped? You've just beaten it.
Well, I can't be leaving that way ALL the time.
How do you plan to get me back in? How come it's OUR responsibility? That's what friends are for.
What we need is some sort of decoy.
Something attracts Pearl's attention - Howard sneaks back in.
You haven't got it packed right! YOU packed it.
That's probably why it's not packed right.
Don't leave these things to me - I'm irresponsible.
Let's reload it.
We'll take it all off and start all over again.
.
.
Off you go, then.
We'll have to leave town.
I'll never speak to you again.
Don't take on a Latin temperament just cos you're doing the tango.
Norman Clegg.
Old Twinkle Toes.
I never thought I'd see the day.
I was forced to tango.
I never thought these legs could do it.
They did it for charity.
Fancy living to my age and finding out that both your legs are strangers.
He needs to work on his turns.
Oh, I don't know.
That were the funniest turn I've seen for yonks.
I shall have to move.
I've seen you move.
You're a LOVELY mover.
There you go.
You can see where my talent lies.
Planning and organisation.
I notice it's me still pushing.
I made it more comfy for you, though, didn't I? Hey up! Whoa! Look at that for a reflex action! What did you throw it all off for? It was him.
He startled me.
I can use reflexes like that for when the Frenchies come.
What are you doing, creeping up on people? That's not creeping! That's the hunter's silent tread.
Anyway, I'm glad our paths have crossed.
Not half as glad as we are.
He's got to pick it all up again.
I'll need some help.
Oh, I'll help you.
I'll help you.
It's your lucky day.
I'm recruiting.
You could be one of the first.
For what? Archery.
I'm thinking of starting an archery class.
So we're ready when the French come.
We need good lads with natural hand and eye co-ordination or willing to learn.
Is there a demand for it? There will be, when they see US in action.
I want to build a team of experts.
We'll give exhibitions.
Tha's got to be prepared to travel.
I'd like to travel.
We WERE travelling till you threw all the stuff off.
The shrewd move is - join the club now while there's office vacancies.
Grab a position of power and influence.
I've never had a position of power and influence.
Now's tha chance.
You're my number two on the handcart.
Are you ready for more? I'm ready.
What can I be? Treasurer.
No, no, no, no, he knows nowt about money.
I'D better be treasurer.
What can I be? Well, if he's going to be treasurer, you can be watching him.
He needs something to replace golf.
No! You can't replace golf.
Oh, don't say that.
I've got just the thing.
What? What? Just give me a minute, I'll come up with something.
It's no good.
There's no substitute for following that little ball through fair and rough.
I'll miss getting down on my knees and squinting at bits of turf.
Oh, Barry.
I won't have you moping around the house.
You're going into post-golfing stress.
You need a new activity.
Where else do you get to wear shoes with spikes? How active does this new activity have to be? Nothing too wearing.
I don't want him injuring himself.
It ought to be active.
A man needs to be active.
Oh, Barry, not when he works for a building society.
Now, could he handle a huge motorcycle? Sheer power.
No.
Far too dangerous.
Mine isn't.
Oh, I don't know that I couldn't handle one.
Yes, you do.
I've just said so.
Well, that's it, then.
I know how to make a decision(!) Canoeing! Out on the white water with just a paddle.
With just a paddle? I suppose you could take sandwiches.
No.
If he gets wet, he gets a chill.
One time.
Once.
You get ONE chill.
Mountaineering? Ooh, no.
He's got no head for heights.
I have! You wobble on the stepladder if I'm not holding it.
Mountains are steadier.
Does he play Ludo? Does it go off when Pearl goes out? No.
She's got an immobiliser.
You've GOT to help me, Cleggy.
I've just done a tango for you.
And very lovely it was, too, if I might say so.
Is it much of an alarm? How loud is it? I'll show you how loud it is.
I mean, how loud can it be? If she's got the radio on, she'll probably never hear it.
She can hear Howard tiptoe at 50 paces.
SCREECHING SIREN Well, it's true.
She's never going to miss that.
It's a good job the mill's closed.
They'd all have stopped work.
Howard's in for good this time.
Unless we can find some electronic countermeasures.
Reduce the noise a bit.
Who do we know who's a genius with electronics? (Entwistle!) I was thinking of something a bit more sporting than morris dancing.
You look lovely, Barry.
There are very few fatal accidents from morris dancing.
Raise your legs.
I can't.
One at a time.
Oh.
Right.
One at a time.
BELLS JANGLE There now.
Is that musical, or what? I think we could be in the presence of a star being born.
You sound lovely, Barry! I sound like some tweak with a tinkle.
My Barry with bells on! I feel stupid.
You shouldn't, not at these prices.
Aren't you meant to be in a club? I can't go morris dancing on my own.
Course you can, lad.
Who said you can't go solo? We'll get you louder bells.
People will laugh at me.
They're not going to laugh at you, Barry! GUFFAWS I told you.
It is! It's the Good Fairy! Hey, can we have three wishes? I wish I'd stayed in bed.
Ah, beds! We're doing a special offer.
Tha can't go to bed, lad.
It'll muffle thee tinkle.
Don't sulk, Barry.
It spoils your jangle.
I don't want to jangle.
II want some kind of healthy sporting activity.
Archery, lad, that's what tha wants - archery.
Sign up and help revive the ancient English superiority with the longbow.
No, Barry, it's too dangerous.
We carry an extensive range of first-aid supplies.
Glenda, this is my opportunity to be part of the English revival of thearchery what-he-said.
He can also keep an eye on the treasurer.
You really think Howard ought to be doing something electrical? I've given him full instructions.
Even a barmpot could do it.
It IS a barmpot that's doing it.
He'll be all right as long as he remembers which is the red wire.
You mean you've asked him to deal with more than one wire? That's Howard in technical overload.
All it needs is a small screwdriver and half a brain.
Well, I expect he's got a small screwdriver.
Look at him.
Now he thinks he's a rocket scientist.
"Small men make good electricians.
" Who said that? Me, just now.
You're going to have to pay more attention.
How do you like it round here, Entwistle? It reminds me of Outer Mongolia.
That's what WE always say.
Isn't that where the men love their horses? You should see their women - you can understand why.
See? Just like here.
This field looks good.
We'll stop here.
Stop! I thought he was stopping.
Never even said goodbye.
Hey up.
It's the ARROW that should go shooting through the air.
Try to remember that, Entwistle.
He said "stop".
They don't part readily with their old clothes round here.
They think the thing to do with old clothes is keep wearing 'em.
They don't give clothes to charity.
I think they'd sooner give blood.
You'd think they WERE giving blood.
The trouble is, there's a tradition round here to wear things out.
Especially each other.
The young ones are easier.
They get rid of things quicker.
Especially each other.
Oh, look at these racks! When they DO bring something, you wouldn't give 'em to family, never mind strangers.
Good day, ladies.
A little something for you.
What do you call this?! It's my old sweater.
You've never been wearing THAT? Until quite recently.
We wouldn't like to be responsible for coming between you.
Oh! Oh.
You can take this back.
Thank you very much.
I'm being rejected by the charity shop.
Try to think of it as a challenge.
The vicar gave us his second-best sweater.
Only after we'd refused his old one.
I've only got this one I'm wearing.
Who knitted you this? Auntie Mary.
A bit skew-whiff round the collar.
What's wrong with it? Nothing we wouldn't accept.
She'd be so proud of you.
She'd be smiling down on you from up there.
She's alive and well in Upperthong.
Then she'll be available to knit you another.
Right, bring the target, Smiler.
You're in charge of transportation.
It's heavy.
Heavy? Well, be inventive.
Adapt! Don't carry it, wheel it.
I think what I'm going to do is wheel it.
That's a good idea(!) What do you think's wrong with the modern police force? Us.
I mean, apart from us.
The inspector.
No, there's always been someone like him about.
What's wrong with the modern police force is, it's too dramatic.
They watch themselves too much on TV.
Why not? It's the only place we win.
It's the drama that gets me.
The way people talk.
Nobody says, "Here's a bloke in a car", it's - "Subject approaching in suspect vehicle.
" You're right.
Whoever talks like that? Nobody talks like that.
Everybody conceals a weapon.
Nobody hides a gun any more.
That's true.
I tell you the one that gets me - "Target approaching.
" "I have target in view.
" I mean, who talks like that?! It makes you laugh.
"Target approaching!" I'm getting like Houdini.
She can't keep me in.
You're really tricky, Howard.
I wonder sometimes if I'm always going to be safe.
You are, love.
You'll always be safe with me.
You mustn't rush these things.
Take your time and think about it.
I'm beginning to think it's fate.
I'm beginning to think nothing can come between us.
You leave 'em for two minutes and he's fixed the alarm and gone.
I'll alarm HIM when he gets back.
They'll get through your defences.
Especially if there's a welcome mat.
That was only for a few selected friends.
What about keeping him indoors and giving his clothes to charity? That's a diabolical, nasty excellent idea.
Not just his old ones, mind you.
It's all they wear around here.
It's not a good area for men in nice clothes.
You have to go further.
And you went further than most.
Edie! You know I had an enquiring mind.
How far did you go, Auntie Roz? Drink your coffee.
Tell 'em to be careful of Howard's old clothes.
They'll go to a good home.
I'll see to that.
I won't be responsible for supplying comforts to irregular situations.
Warn them not to turn their back on his trousers or they'll be gone.
You could have my Barry's golfing gear, now he's gone off to restore the superiority of English archery.
Well, I hope he's wearing a vest.
You know what his chest's like.
He IS wearing a vest.
I don't let him out without a vest.
We don't accept vests for charity.
I won't handle people's vests.
It'd be a brave soul who tried to give you the opportunity.
I always think you can judge a man by the kind of vest he wears.
You're meant to use your judgement long before you get anywhere near his vest.
Now she tells me.
You can have the vest off Howard's back as soon as he gets home.
And everything else he's got to wear.
I'll teach him.
He'll have the satisfaction of knowing it's for a good cause.
It'll give me a nice warm feeling.
You'll have to leave him SOMETHING to wear.
Oh, I'll leave him something.
WHIMPERS IN PAIN Now then, sir.
Got ourselves into a tight little spot, have we? Have no fear.
We'll have you out of there in a moment.
I was Truly of the Yard.
These emergencies are second nature.
Ohh! (Don't pull him out.
Leave him there! It's the repo man.
) You can't leave him in forever.
Leave him there till dark.
Oh Agh Oh, what a shame(!) Cancan somebody help me to my car? I hope he wasn't planning on a large family.
And people say that meditation focuses the mind.
Is he fit to drive? Well, he's not fit to walk, you can tell that.
I'll be all right if I can sit down for the next 20 years.
Well, it's a good job it's automatic.
Last thing he wants at this stage is any more trouble with his gears! My Howard, looking all hot and bothered after his exertions? Come and have a bath, love.
Refresh yourself.
Make yourself comfy.
I'll take your bicycle.
Well, off you go, then, and close your mouth before you get some passing traffic in it.
You're in a good mood.
The best.
This is when you know who loves you, baby! You don't look right.
You don't look like a crack sporting team.
You look like a queue at the chippie.
That's something we'd be good at.
How would you know? He always makes ME stand in the queue.
Well, you can look over the fryer.
It's more interesting for you.
Oh.
This won't have the same appeal as golf.
We haven't tried it yet.
We haven't started.
It gets better.
Yeah, but with golf, even if you're not good at it, you can dress up to LOOK as though you are.
We could dress up for archery.
Aye, that's what we need.
A uniform! A club uniform.
Something tasteful and sporting.
I wish you hadn't mentioned that.
I was trying to forget the lady.
A fine body of men.
Looks like the string section of the Luton Girls' Choir.
Girl Guides look tougher.
Oh, they are.
I was once bitten by one.
You little devil! You've had a more interesting life than you let on! She was a cousin.
She stole my marble.
Of course there's never a passing Boy Scout when you need one.
She'd probably have bitten him as well.
Women are tougher than men.
I should know, I married one.
I used to feel as if I'd married two.
She had the capacity to shout in both ears at once.
If you've read your history, we've allus been fighting the French.
And now they've got a tunnel, so they could be here any minute.
And we're going to be ready for 'em! So, and this is the hard bit.
Drawyourbows.
It's just a guess, but do you think this string is a bit too tight? Only when you start pulling it.
I wish I was deep in t'greenwood where nobody could see us.
It's only fair to point out that I won't be with you permanently.
I'm going to try and insinuate myself back into the world of golf.
As long as I can keep clear of the captain, it should be possible.
As long as he hears nothing bad about me in the next six months.
In six months I'll have you looking like you were born with a bow in your hands.
Now get back in line.
Right.
Aim your arrows in the air.
We don't want any accidents, do we? We're old enemies, this hole and I.
She's never been an easy one.
Of course, I've whipped her a few times.
Like I shall do now.
Don't tell me - it's Julius Caesar.
Beware the Ides of March, Howard.
Especially if there's a draught.
I need some help, Cleggy.
I think you do, Howard, if you're going to go round in that condition.
I've no option - she's stolen all my clothes because I tampered with the alarm.
You've got to help me.
Didn't she leave you ANYTHING to wear? It's terrible! I can't wear that.
I've got to meet a certain party in half an hour.
Well, don't get your toga caught in the bushes.
Or earrings, for that matter.
I'm not going dressed like this! You'll just have to wear what Pearl left you.
I think it's terrible when you've got no friends.
Nobody you can turn to.
Well, nobody you can turn to very quickly, dressed like that.
It's never going to replace golf.
Perhaps when you get your uniform.
Oh, it'll be OK, but I plan to work my way back in to the golf club.
Let things settle down till the captain forgets me.
Oh, Barry, nobody could forget you.
I think you're unforgettable.
Don't say that! I wonder what she's left him to wear? Well, we'll soon find out.
He'd wear anything rather than miss Marina.
Maybe a frock.
Maybe she's left him a frock! I do not wish to see Howard in a frock! It could make one appreciate even the former Mrs Truelove.
Much? Lord, no.
Not much.
BELLS JANGLE Have you seen your Barry? Barry? He's inside.
With the team.
Changing into club uniform.
Oh, they have a club uniform.
That'll be nice.
Nicer still if you started a ladies' supporters' section.
I could provide you with YOUR uniforms.
Would that be very expensive? Very.
Well, these things are.
It's a way of showing commitment.
Although there are compensations.
You get to go about shouting, "We are the champions" and other rubbish.
And then you'd have the club song.
They've got a club song? Not yet.
But I could soon get you one - very reasonably.
By sheer coincidence, you've caught me in the middle of a sale of club songs.
There are one or two with some tricky high notes that I could let you have with25 percent off.
I'd have to ask my Barry.
Oh, you could surprise him - all dressed up in your club uniform, singing the club song.
You said it was a club uniform.
It IS a club uniform! I was thinking blazer and flannels.
Everybody does blazer and flannels.
I'd rather be dressed for golf.
Oh, Barry! You lookdifferent.
These tightsthey're too tight.
Where are you supposed to put an handkerchief? I wish people'd stop moaning.
You're supposed to be proud of your uniform.
Now, shoulder your bows and let's strike some fear into all potential enemies! I'm going back to golf.
I think the captain has forgotten about me by now.
Barry! Our first deserter.
Make that two.
Three.
Tha'll be sorry when the Frenchies invade! Oh-ho! You! So, Billy's going to be ready when the French invade.
He would, too.
Use all his arrows and then start pelting them with his wife's sister.
They'll never get past Nora Batty.
Not if she's collecting, anyway.