Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e08 Episode Script

C Cooper.
A Jackson.
What about A Jackson? Nothing.
You led with C Cooper, so I thought I'd play my A Jackson.
Well, I was reading the show report.
It says here, "First prize, vegetable section, C Cooper.
" I can't tell you how glad I am to learn that.
I've been tossing and turning all night wondering who won first prize in the vegetable section.
I wonder if C is for Cyril.
Cyril Cooper? Our Cyril Cooper? Old Coop.
Mm, well, it's possible.
Not his style, is it? Growing vegetables? Well, it wasn't then.
Get to our age, who knows? KNOCK AT DOOR No, Howard.
No, what? Whatever it is, the answer is the opposite to yes.
I don't want anything.
It's just a social call.
I thought I'd pop round and see Cleggy.
He could be lying.
Yes, he's lying.
There's always something.
It comes to a pretty pass when you can't say hello to a neighbour.
Hello, Howard.
Goodbye, Howard.
I wonder what he wanted? I wondered if you wouldn't mind picking up a present that's been left for me.
From an admirer? So it seems, though I hardly know the person.
Where is this present currently to be found? Auntie Wainwright's.
Goodbye, Howard! First prize vegetable.
Doesn't sound like old Coop.
I suppose we should remember that when he was asked anything in class, he always did this very convincing impression of a vegetable.
I thought that was me.
He must have settled down.
It happens to us all eventually.
Me, it happened to when I was 17.
Oh, I wouldn't have missed 18, Cleggy, tha slipped up there.
Yes, 18 was good.
I was in love with a Miss Lorna Taylor.
She played tennis.
She once hit me with her racquet, but she failed to follow through.
I forget who I was in love with.
Shows you the kind of birds I used to get.
I was in love with Maureen O'Hara.
I can never understand what she was doing with people like John Wayne when I would have given up my career as a lino salesman for her.
I was in the furniture department browsing for something suitable for your next promotion and there was Mrs Cresswell.
She was very nice and pleased you'd arranged the mortgage for her daughter.
I think we might be invited to the next Cresswell barbecue, Barry.
Barry? Would you like to go to a Cresswell barbecue? I'm speaking to you, Barry.
Barry! I can't hear very well.
It's like being under water.
It's only wax, Barry.
You'll have to go and get your ears syringed.
Syringed? Syringed.
They'll blow the wax out.
Blow? Suppose they blow your brains out? Oh, Barry! They do it all the time.
Which accounts for some of the customers I get.
I can't see old Coop settling down.
He probably got married and that was it.
Wallop! Woke up the next morning and found himself settled down.
Could be.
It's a great brake on excitement is wedlock.
I didn't need a brake, I never found the accelerator.
There must have been some period even for you when the hormones were stirring.
Tha must have had some kind of springtime, however brief.
I fear spring was a little late that year.
Gladys Heppenstall! Stop doing that! People keep coming out with names with no explanation for them.
I've been trying to remember the name.
That's who he married.
Cyril Cooper married Gladys Heppenstall.
There are still some Heppenstalls in Fernley Street.
They should know where old Coop is.
Oh, frame yourselves! You'd think you'd never handled a gorilla.
How do you think you'll sell this? There's a demand for these things.
How come it's been in the shop all this time, then? Because it's been hidden in a corner.
Now it's out here, it'll soon excite interest.
Why would anyone want one? Why? You have to tell people why.
You can't wait until they realise how much they need one.
Go on.
Give us a clue - why they'd need this.
It makes a beautiful hat-and-umbrella stand.
It'd be an ornamental addition to any hallway.
It'd fill a hallway! There you are, then.
Not only a hat-and-umbrella stand, but a draught excluder.
Ye gods! You're going to have some trouble getting rid of that.
We'll see about that.
Why the disguise, Howard? Just a small precaution.
So many people jump to wrong conclusions.
Not much of a jump in your case.
I shall ignore that person.
I understand there's a present here waiting for me.
From an admirer.
In confidence, of course.
Of course.
Although it might incur a small extra charge to cover the paperwork.
I understand a certain person came in earlier and picked a little something for me.
Yes, she did.
It's all perfectly innocent.
Just a token of appreciation for certain favours.
What did she choose for me? Who's a lucky person, then? Nora Batty's a fount of information on local affairs.
Even on those whose marriages are still intact.
She'll remember Coop.
He used to put worms down her blouse.
He'd think twice now.
She's been a worm-free zone for many a year.
Yet she still used to squeal like the rest of the lasses.
It's funny what we grow into.
Er, Nora Batty? Is she in? MUFFLED RESPONSE Nora Batty? TYRES SQUEAL, HORN BLARES Out the road, you daft beggar! Excuse us, madam, we're looking for Mrs Batty.
And I'm looking for volunteers.
Three hands are better than one.
Whoa! We just want a bit of information.
Don't argue.
You're on hallowed medical ground.
I'll wait outside.
No, you won't.
Norman Clegg.
Get your body here.
Body! She said body.
We were just passing, really, wanting to know the whereabouts of the former Gladys Heppenstall.
She married Cyril Cooper.
That's the one.
Do you know where to find her? I expect so.
Come on through.
Oh, come on! Nobody's going to bite you.
Nobody's going to bite? Do you believe her? Oh, come on! At least it sounds as if she knows.
Psst! Don't mention the worms.
I had to let them go with the cart.
They've calls to make.
They could've given me a lift home.
I can't let you have the company vehicle.
You can carry it home.
It's not as heavy as it looks.
It's awkward.
You haven't had it five minutes, how do you know it's awkward? People will laugh.
Of course they won't laugh.
A chap strolling with his gorilla, what's to laugh at? She laughs at Elastoplast.
At least we know where to find Mrs Cooper.
I've never been so close to Nora Batty before.
Unnerving, wasn't it? Is she supposed to have a knee in your back? I wonder where she got her training.
With the Marines, I think.
She did a lot of work for the Pharaohs.
It was so unnatural.
I don't think her husband ever got that close! Why doesn't he get it syringed? Cos they can't stand pain.
But it doesn't hurt.
Even WHEN it doesn't hurt.
As soon as I mentioned the doctor, he said it's cleared up.
They resist being cured.
They'd rather be out somewhere picking things up.
Oh, isn't love grand? You start off whispering in their ears and you end up putting drops in.
If he won't go to the doctor's, you must take him there by force.
Probably.
Although you do hesitate to be cruel.
I don't know why.
Oh, yes, you do.
You give yours far more freedom than's good for him.
They need the exercise.
Oh, I could never think of my Barry like that.
I'd hate to think of him at all if he keeps pulling faces like that.
You come here asking questions about Cyril Cooper? How dare you mention that name to me! He's no concern of mine.
He left me years ago for some young, flash bin bag from Barnsley Street.
He went off with that trollop, Celia Wanless.
How dare you come here! Get out! Now! Is that one N or two? Get out! I think we caught her on a bad day.
She seems prepared to share it.
She has some very fine dental work.
Now what? The bin bag from Barnsley Street.
I hope she's in a better mood than this one.
No wonder old Coop left that one.
I bet he never put many worms down that blouse.
Hey-up, Howard, taking tha dad for a walk? CRUNCH! Him? You're asking for him? I'll thank you to get off my doorstep.
Here, what's the trouble? They're asking about Cyril Cooper.
Him? You've come here inquiring about him? Upsetting her? Reminding her? Er, would you let go before he turns blue? We can't stand him blue.
I think we should warn you he's a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
Only on my mother's side.
Clear off, the lot of you! He's not here.
He went off with one of his other women.
Can you give us a clue? Have you any idea which one? All replies will be treated in confidence.
She didn't keep count.
Next Next time, you knock.
I think the trail's just gone cold.
We won't know where to knock.
He gets around a lot, Cooper.
I wonder if he had his own transport? I haven't heard a whisper about vegetables.
He's obviously settled down since these people knew him.
He's run out of energy, I expect.
Well, I suppose we could just pack it in at this point - a practice that's always served me well in very personal situations.
Or we could go to my office while we plan the next move.
Your office? The bar at the nearest pub.
That sounds reasonable to me.
Then they say Billy Hardcastle's an idiot.
Who says? Well, there's me for a start.
They're looking for Cyril Cooper.
Didn't he marry Gladys Heppenstall? It didn't last.
He went off with some other woman.
Like they do when they're not trained properly.
I'll send mine over.
You needn't bother.
I never thought of Cyril Cooper as a ladies' man.
You wouldn't think he had the reach.
The little ones are always worst.
Now she tells me.
It's always the ones you least expect.
My Barry's not interested in other women.
I hope you're not taking HIS word for it.
It pays to double-check from time to time.
Or even oftener.
All I remember about Cyril Cooper is that he didn't care what kind of a mess he made of your blouse.
Wasn't he a small, rather weird person? No, that's mine.
The one I'm thinking of had a birth mark on his Drink your coffee.
I can assure you, it was no place you daren't speak about in mixed company.
DOORBELL That'll be my Barry now.
It was just above his elbow.
I can't remember whether it was his left arm or his right.
Right.
I used to go swimming sometimes too.
You've a good memory for a birth mark.
He once assisted me when I got into deep water.
If I know him, he'd be the one that got you into deep water! Come and say hello, Barry.
What? SAY HELLO, BARRY! Oh, hello.
It's his ear.
His ear? What's wrong with his ear? He gets wax.
It's nothing, really.
Wax in his ear? Oh, we'll soon deal with that.
I'm all right, it's nearly gone! Come in the kitchen, Barry, where there's more light.
I'm all right.
Oh! Hey, I can hear! I can hear everything.
I can hear a pin drop.
Go with Mrs Batty.
You can see she's highly qualified.
She did her best training on Cyril Cooper.
I think we all did.
It was wartime.
What else was available? Put yourself in Mrs Batty's hands, Barry.
What? Oh, Barry! Go and get yourself uncorked! Aarrgh! I see you've started going out with a nicer class of person.
Can you give me a lift? One of you has to go in the back if you can bear to be parted.
I don't care where it goes.
Who do we know who might know where he is? We can call at the police station and look at the electoral register.
I congratulate you on the quality of your hand signals.
You must be most inscrutable on the V sign.
We practised it a lot in the Vice Squad.
Do either of you two know the present whereabouts of Cyril Cooper? - Having trouble? - No, I haven't seen a thing.
I was looking the other way.
What's up with him? Guilty conscience.
You can always tell.
Listen who's talking.
The young lady and I have a mutual interest in botanical species.
It's not the same at all.
Didn't Cooper marry a Gladys Heppenstall? We've done that.
All I remember is teeth.
He left her for - and I quote - "a bin bag in Barnsley Street".
Celia Wanless.
We've done that too.
He's still got the marks.
Celia Wanless interested in botany too, was she? I've no idea.
I didn't know her first-hand.
I'm not surprised.
She's been second-hand for some time! He's not there.
He left her for some other woman.
Minny Fawcett.
He went off with Minny Fawcett.
I remember her husband Fred was emotionally broken.
She took the cat.
Oh, that's going too far! Eloping with a bloke's cat.
Maybe Cooper had a lot of mice.
You think he was just using her for pest-control purposes? That's a terrible thing to do.
I remember a heartbroken scene with Fred trying to persuade Cooper to keep the wife and send back the cat.
You're making this up, Howard.
A person's entitled to add a touch of colour here and there.
Then can you separate fact from fiction and remember where they set up house together? Somewhere in Staniforth Street.
I love a good love story.
A body in the back of a pick-up? That could be serious.
Even trouble.
Are you sure there isn't some simple explanation? Such as what? Have you been drinking? No.
Look, there's a body.
I saw it.
There they were, these naked, still, bare feet.
Did you get the number? Of feet? Two.
The pick-up? Oh, I never thought.
I was so shocked.
It was parked there, on the street.
It might still be there.
With a body in the back with its feet sticking out? They may not have realised the feet were sticking out.
They? How many are we talking about? Five altogether.
Weird-looking, shifty eyes.
We're going to need backup.
Trust us to get five.
I always thought if we ever had a murder, it'd just be one bloke.
You never think about five.
I can leave it with you, then.
Naturally.
That's what we're here for.
Unless you'd like to take it higher.
If you went to the police station they could give you a better offer.
An inspector or something.
No, I've had enough.
You've got my name and address.
I'm gone.
Did we? Did we what? Did we get his name and address? I thought you'd got it.
It's rubbish, anyway.
Who'd leave a corpse in a pick-up with his feet sticking out? You're right.
That's what I like about you, that vein of natural scepticism that stops us going overboard.
It's just common sense.
Some would panic in these situations.
Are you sure that's the one? The man in the shop said that was the one.
That's where she lives, the former Minny Fawcett.
And the cat.
Ask about the cat.
Thee ask.
It's somebody else's turn to knock.
Don't let one bad experience put you off.
It put thee off.
Tha's never married again.
I think suicide twice is a little excessive, don't you? As a former policeman, I think you should knock.
How do you arrive at that conclusion? Well, policemen have a sort of built-in knock.
A power knock.
I expect you have to practise it.
Oh, every spare minute.
Hey, we'll draw lots for it.
I've done my bit.
If we're drawing lots, we're ALL drawing lots.
Oh, I might as well do it.
If we draw lots, I always lose.
I might as well face it.
If it is a body, then why are they taking it home? They'll be chopping it upin the bath.
They always use the bath.
Then what are we doing here? Fetch a plumber.
I wish you'd give up with those bath stories.
You know your trouble? You've no respect for tradition.
Oh! That is ugly! Oh! I've seen some rough birds in my time, but dear, oh, dear! I'm not saying I condone it, but I can understand the impulse to get rid of that.
It's still probably against the law.
Probably.
Maybe they could claim justifiable homicide.
They'll have the sympathy of the jury.
I used to be a Fawcett, but not a Minny.
You've got the wrong one, love.
I don't know any Coopers.
Right, well, I'm sorry.
Well, he never stayed long.
Maybe she's forgotten.
No.
I think she's the one he missed.
Must have been his day off.
Well that's it, then.
We've nowhere else to go.
Except back to your office, Billy.
Good thinking.
I hope all this office work won't interfere with our drinking.
I mean, it's not that I don't appreciate it, but why did you buy me a stuffed gorilla? Howard, why would I buy you a stuffed gorilla? You must be thinking of some other person.
I hope you've not been accepting stuffed gorillas from strangers.
I haven't.
I wouldn't.
There's nobody I'd rather have a stuffed gorilla from than you.
But can I be sure you mean that? I do.
It's just that I've had the police round.
They thought it was a body.
Why? Who do you know that looks like a stuffed gorilla? It was very embarrassing.
Not as embarrassing as it will be if I find you've been seeing someone who looks like a stuffed gorilla.
I haven't! I just wonder why you picked a stuffed gorilla.
I didn't pick a stuffed gorilla! I asked Auntie Wainwright to pick something for you.
And then people go and throw your gift back in your face.
It's a lovely stuffed gorilla.
It's just what I've always wanted.
Who'd have thought it? Little Cooper.
Too much man for one woman.
He must drink stronger cocoa than me.
The pattern was there at school.
He never got things right first time.
Still, I wish we'd found him.
I'm curious what he's like.
He looked like a used left boot at school.
Oh, we were all scruffy at school.
It was the uniform.
I bet he didn't dare go out on dustbin days.
Well, maybe later on, he became a snappy dresser.
Dickie Lindley did.
Oh, aye.
But he had a bad leg.
Judged on his record, I can't think old Coop had a bad leg.
If he did, he must have had a good friend with a vehicle.
I wonder if he ever did find the right oneor whether he found happiness with a prize vegetable.
It's been done.
Look what our Dennis married.
They seem happy.
I think there's much to be said for lack of excitement.
I think we owe him a toast, anyway.
For his outstanding contribution to the use of the bicycle.
To Cyril Cooper.
ALL: Cyril Cooper.
Cyril Cooper! You're drinking a toast? In my pub, you are drinking a toast to Cyril Cooper?! The swine who ran off with my woman? Oh, no! Here we go again.
What happened to Minny Fawcett? She went back to her husband.
Now bog off! Did she take the cat? And stay out.
Stop worrying about the cat.
I like a happy ending.
Where did you meet yours, then? I met him at the optician's.
I should have had my eyes tested.
Hold these eggs, I don't want to drop 'em now I've carted them all this way.
Where did you meet your Howard? I say I fell over him in the blackout.
Funnily, they believe me! The blackout! You didn't have to travel far for adventure in those days, did you.
Here, thanks, love.
Coming in? Why not? I like to see you put the frighteners on Howard.
Makes no never mind, though, does it? No, but think how much worse he'd be if you didn't.
SCREAMING Too much man for one woman? I bet if he had to re-take a test, he'd fail.
What's he digging for? You don't think he's still using worms? Is that the secret? You come at them with a worm, they go to jelly.
Well, they did at school.
You won't find that in Kamasutra.
That's Indian funny stuff.
Coop's invented Yorkshire funny stuff.
He didn't even recognise us.
After all he's been through, his eyesight's probably not what it was.
But does he carry one with him? I mean, where do you keep a worm between engagements?