Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e10 Episode Script

You're looking very thoughtful, Truly.
Like you're thinking about life and death and what it's all about.
Actually, I was thinking about how much I like a kipper for breakfast, but they tend to repeat.
There you are, you see? Why do kippers repeat? It's a fundamental philosophical problem.
What did Bertrand Russell say about it? He mixed with the Left, as you know, so, naturally, he blamed the Americans.
Did you ever have a kipper for breakfast? Yes, I did once.
It was on honeymoon.
We were at a hotel.
I thought, "Why not? Everything else is weird.
" I had a digestive system like an incinerator.
I could eat anything.
You had to in the police.
You ate when you could.
First week, I lost my appetite, but after that I could digest concrete.
Just as well, as that was what the former Mrs Truelove did best.
Truly, a woman's looking for you.
Tell her I had one.
It didn't work out.
She was ringing your bell.
That's gone too, along with the kippers.
How comes no woman's ever looking for me? There was that traffic warden.
You met a traffic warden?! She gave me a ticket.
She hadn't known you two minutes and she's sending you little notes.
What did she look like, this woman? Your age, fancy glasses, blue hair.
Could be a disguise.
Did she have a beard? She didn't have a beard.
You can't be too careful.
Not if they're going to have beards.
I wouldn't mind one with blue hair.
YOU wouldn't mind one with a beard.
I need a new sport.
No, you don't.
You need an old sport, like me.
I'm just looking for an alternative to golf.
That's what worries me.
I know what men do as an alternative to golf.
I'm not getting anywhere at golf.
I keep falling out with the captain.
I'm going to try something new.
Why are you so restless, Barry? I thought all that would stop when you got your hand-held computer.
I need a challenge.
A man needs a challenge.
I missed two world wars - I ought to do SOMETHING.
Is it ME?! Am I losing attraction for you? You know you're not losing attraction for me.
If the magic's gone, Barry, tell me.
Don't just let me keep buying new underwear.
Going somewhere? I was just checking the dampcourse.
Not bad for the spur of the moment.
It's just a shame we haven't got a dampcourse.
Where are you going? I thought I might ask Cleggy about who could give us a dampcourse.
Say what you like about marriage - it's made you think faster on your feet than you used to.
So I was referred here.
People said you'd know, if anyone did.
Did they say there'd be a charge? A charge?! I can't give out personal details.
It's an invasion of privacy.
I don't want him invaded! He's not in.
I want to know where his friends live.
They might know where he is.
Friends as well? That'll be extra.
Now, you'll want Norman Clegg .
.
at this address.
He'll know where your Mr Herbert Truelove is.
Can you confirm that it's true - that he's actually living alone? That he's not married any more? That I COULD confirm I mean, could you confirm it for free? Oh, all right.
That's on the house.
I shall be awake all night now.
I'm looking for a few volunteers for a fascinating game of survival.
In the woodspitting your survival skills against a concealed enemy.
Hey, people use rifles! They shoot little pellets of paint at each other.
Phut! Phut! Phut! Sounds irresistible.
What colour? What's it matter what colour?! I thought it might be nice to pick a colour.
A lavender would be acceptable.
Funny you should say that.
I have the solution - rubber-tipped arrows! We take bows and arrows! You can't hurt anybody and we go out in the woodsand shoot each other.
Have you seen a doctor lately, Billy? If you have, I'd ask for a second opinion.
I tell thee, it's a great game! You get your camouflage on, you hide and then you creep up on each other.
A lot like queuing at the bank.
No! It's a sport! So's banking these days and I don't think the odds are in our favour.
DOORBELL RINGS See who that is.
It's a woman - fancy glasses and blue hair.
I've gone! Out the back door! I've never been here! I thought it was only Howard did things like that.
Can you help me? I'm looking for Norman Clegg.
I thought you were looking for Truly.
How did you know?! You must be psychic! You are, aren't you? You're psychic.
If I give you something to hold, could you tell me where he is? I'm not psychic.
I wear too many cardigans.
But are you a friend of Herbert Truelove? Er, yeah.
Well, where can I find him? That might not be easy.
Can you get a message to him? Tell him Florrie's looking for him.
Tell him Florrie's in town.
I'm at the White Horse and I'll be waiting for him this afternoon.
Woof-woof-woof! Oh, shut up.
I need a place to hide.
Is the repo man after you too? Worse.
Much worse.
Is it her with the blue hair and the glasses? Yes! Florrie Hargreaves.
What does she want? Me.
She wants ME.
And she's got the idea I want HER.
What gave her that idea? Never you mind.
That's classified information.
Smileryou're in the market for a woman.
Have you considered Florrie? I don't think I'd cope with blue hair.
Be masterful! If you don't like it, make her try red.
I think you need a drink.
I do.
I really do.
Don't be silly! You're crazy if you're robbing me! I'm in a secret society in Hull! All ex-trawler men with fish knives! It's me, Entwistle.
Truly of the Yard.
I need a lift.
I'm working.
I need a lift to the pub.
Oh, the pub?! If it's that important, get in.
I can't cut anything with a fish knife.
Not THAT kind of fish knife.
He said fish knives.
The wife took almost everything, but she left me the fish knives.
Truly's got a Florrie to get rid of.
I just complimented her a few times on her skills with the microwave.
How was I to know she was going to turn blue and pursue me? Would she like a clean-living person with his own fish knives? Hey up, Alvin.
Tha looks well settled in.
Yeah, not bad, apart from her next door.
Doesn't she know the Nazis have gone out of fashion? She'll be a help if ever you're burgled, Alvin.
Yeah, I was thinking of getting a Doberman, but she'd only savage it.
They say she's got a heart as big as a bucket.
Mouth.
They meant mouth.
They're mainly all like that.
You'll be all right in times of crisis.
She knows basic first aid and if that fails, she's a whizz at organising funerals.
So it's just the living she's not very good with? Don't look to me for sympathy.
I've got a wife AND a sister.
It's only fair others should suffer.
He doesn't mean it, Alvin, except on Tuesdays.
Why Tuesdays? All I know is, I get maximum aggro on a Tuesday.
I think it must be hormones.
Unless you're a total twit on Mondays.
He's an average twit on Mondays.
We're looking for Truly.
Have you seen him? No, I haven't seen him, but ask HER.
She'll be earwigging.
Who's earwigging?! Nobody's earwigging! Told you.
What's HE smiling at?! You do me good.
Reminds me I used to be married.
Can't believe my luck.
What happened to her? Killed by a falling elephant.
She ran off with his best friend.
True, but I like the elephant story better.
Yes, I would.
I like the elephant story.
You're all tapped.
No wonder she left you AND with your best friend.
I know.
I get choked up.
My best friend How many friends would run off with your missus? I owe that man.
Does he do it on a contract basis? For instance, on Tuesdays? Oh, you've no shame, you lot.
You don't deserve a good woman.
Truly would agree.
He certainly doesn't think HE deserves one.
Alvin, if tha sees him, tell him he's not to go to The White Horse.
That's where Florrie's heading.
Who's Florrie? I've no chance.
She can hear through walls.
And double glazing.
Don't you forget it.
Who is this Florrie? There's an old saying in Hull.
"Strange the paths that lead even to a Florrie.
" It was a mistake.
How comes I never make mistakes like that? She thought I was reliable and honest.
Some women are unscrupulous when it comes to believing what blokes say.
It was a desperate time.
I was under pressure.
Why am I never under that kind of pressure? How about having your house rewired? It does wonders for your confidence.
She used to live next door to me and the former Mrs Truelove.
I'd nip over when things got bad.
She mistook panic for affection.
"Man who never panics is man who never thinks seriously about a complete rewiring.
" Mmm.
Herbert, you came! Argh! Gangway.
Coming through.
Lend a hand.
Man collapsed.
But Truly Yes, we'll get you to a doctor.
Sorry.
He has these episodes.
I don't know why they let him out.
I'll be waiting, Herbert.
Forcible abduction.
Kidnap.
Probably illegal.
Bound to be illegal.
Bound to be tricky in court.
They'll say they were giving him a lift.
We can't have kidnapping here.
We can't turn a blind eye.
It's not as if it's the wife's mother.
That's true.
Creates a bad impression.
It seems to be an unwritten law - nobody kidnaps the wife's mother.
SIREN WAILS "Whatever you do," the inspector said, "stamp out kidnapping in broad daylight!" Fear not, sir.
We will have you back with your loved ones in no time.
It's not a kidnapping! I'm fine! It IS a kidnapping.
I should know.
I'm part of a global conspiracy.
I demand to be incarcerated.
Hurry up, Barry! We've got to get there before Florrie gets to Truly! Is it urgent? Urgent?! Mr Truelove is only inches away from a second honeymoon.
If that doesn't chill your blood, Barry, tha's lost all human feeling.
I'd like a second honeymoon.
I'm happily married.
They say my grandfather was happily married, but he didn't live to be very old, so I find that suspicious.
Were YOU happily married, Mr Clegg? In those days, it wasn't something you paid attention to.
You were either married or not.
Happy had nothing to do with it.
Now what? It looks like Truly's joined the Force again.
It's Truly.
He won't get out the police car.
He's demanding to be arrested.
It's my right to be arrested.
You can't have people being arrested as they like.
Too time consuming.
We do it for one, we'll be doing it for everybody.
Truly, there must be a better solution.
I'm too proud for suicide.
It means strangers tramping over your house.
Who is this woman who's chasing Truly? Somebody at the desperate edge of things.
There's a few out there.
Must be somebody he's been leading up the garden path.
They do! Mind you, SOME of them don't need a lot of leading.
If your Barry's looking for a new sport, you'd better find him one before he finds a garden path.
He's just looking for a challenging outdoor activity.
That's the one.
Where is your Barry now? He's with Norman Clegg and Billy Hardcastle.
I suppose there's safety in numbers.
There's safety in THOSE numbers.
I never saw Herbert Truelove as a man liable to have a wicked past.
It's not so past.
Looks like it's caught up with him.
I wonder what sort of wicked past.
Drink your coffee.
I wonder how they met.
Maybe he once arrested her.
Looks like she's returning the favour.
They must have had some kind of relationship.
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Good grief! ALL: Ooh! Just in time for tea, ladies.
What are you doing?! You'll have us on fire! You'd not burn easily, old asbestos breeches.
Oh! THEY SQUABBLE All right, all right! Let's get this straight.
This woman assumes you had an understanding.
I don't know why.
She lived next door.
I'd sneak in for shelter.
Her husband was alive then.
I never thought the dozy beggar would die.
People can be sneaky like that.
Maybe he left her to you in his will.
Then you'll be all right, Truly - the Inland Revenue will get most of her! I don't want ANY of her! Suppose somebody was willing to take her off your hands No! She'll take one look at YOU and HE'LL look even better.
Tell her you've only three weeks to live.
No, no, that'stoo sad.
Make it four.
She might want to spend them with me! Paint a picture of having something really nasty and contagious.
Well, I do get this rash occasionally.
It's only an allergy! Couldn't you throw yourself on her mercy? Tell her you were lying.
The truth just complicates these situations.
Is she superstitious? She wouldn't bury her husband on a Fridaywhich is just as well, as he didn't die until Saturday.
No, she IS superstitious.
It's not a bad idea.
Tell her you are as well and you've brought your psychic adviser - Tom.
Me?! You've done it before.
You told my fortune once.
A fella's got to earn a bob or two.
Not on this occasion.
This is between friends.
Herbert! Who is?! She means me.
Oh.
Sorry.
You came! You found me again! I never lost you, Florrie.
I knew where you were.
The point is, we've found each other again.
If we're seen together with your husband only just having died He's been dead two years.
As recent as that?! I've been looking for you.
I couldn't find y Who's this? Oh, consultant to the stars.
This is the famous Tom Simmonite, my psychic adviser.
Never goes anywhere without me, especially to reach for his wallet.
You used to laugh at me for being superstitious.
That was before I became a believer.
What happened? Some instinct drew me to the river.
I saved this little child from drowning.
Ever since, I've been a kinder person.
Oh, Herbert, that's another thing we have in common! She's quite attractive.
Not from the front.
She's worse than the missus and I don't often say that.
I look for the good points.
That's a good attitude.
What have you found? I liked her shoes.
Didn't match her handbag.
Personally, I would have gone for a lower heel.
I'll go and have another look.
Have you decided, Barry? I'm no good with a bow! Tha'd soon pick it up, lad.
Tha'd be in the hands of an expert.
You see? Perfectly harmless.
Tha'll love it, lad.
Better than golf.
Oh, I don't like that one.
Are you sure about this, Florrie? We've always known it, haven't we, love? We should have done it years ago.
But he'd never do anything rash.
He's always been so sensible.
It's not working! He's not convincing! We need somebody more exotic.
Are you coming, Herbert? Coming, Florrie.
That's sad.
Really sad.
Truly, Truly, it's time to get changed for the match.
Match? It's time to get ready for the match.
The big match that'll be worth your while to get off your bum and come outside for.
Oh! The big match! Yeah.
I'll have to go, Florrie.
It's the match.
That's all right, love.
I'll come and watch.
I'm pleased you still get some exercise.
He's always been so sensible.
Do you think cycling's all that exciting, Howard? Not uphill, love.
It's better going down.
I like it when you can freewheel, but then I've always had this wild streak.
Is that IT? Is that all I can look forward to? Being able to freewheel? There must be more to life, Howard, than being able to freewheel.
When we get to the top of the hill, I could race you to the crossroads.
No, Howard.
I want more.
More options, more thrills, more nearer the edge.
That means getting mountain bikes.
What a coincidence, you stopping just as I passed this young lady.
We need this young lady, Howard.
For what purpose? I hope nothing requiring a mountain bike.
No.
This is an emergency.
At last! An emergency! Where are you taking her?! Don't fuss about the details, Howard.
Where are we going, Herbert? Tell her where we're going, Barry.
We're going to get changed for the match.
Oh, yes.
I knew that.
We're getting changed for the match.
They'll be here any minute.
Is she ready? She's ready.
Here they come now.
Bring her out.
Oh, there you are, Cuddly.
Mwah! I have done the back bedroom.
We'll do the main one togethertomorrow.
Herbert, who was that? She's the home help.
Erthat's right.
The home help.
She's a treasure.
Excuse us, Florrie.
He needs to get changed for the match.
Home help?! Help's not always easy to get.
That looks easy enough.
They say she's very good about overtime.
He's always been so sensible.
Come on, captain.
Herbert, I'm very sorry to have to tell you, but you've just been replaced in my affections by a Mr Riley, who does his OWN housekeeping!