Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e11 Episode Script

Are you ready? Roll the target! SLEIGH BELLS RING OUTSIDE WINDOW Oh, it's a waste of time if the lights won't work.
Lights now work.
Are you sure? Trust me, I'm an electrical Entwhistle! Is it safe to switch 'em on? No problem.
Ah, lovely.
You gormless twillop! Now what have you got to say? Merry Christmas? I get £1,000 off a new kitchen and a chance to win what? Oh, ten days in Majorca? Oh, that'll be a treat.
It'll give me a chance to wear me new disco outfit! Down there in the gulley.
That's where we said goodbye.
I think I've heard this before.
It was a musical.
He's not gonna start singing, is he? He hasn't got the chest for it.
Best he could do is tweet.
Oh, that would be a TWEET! Oh, you're a cynical lot.
This was a deeply romantic occasion.
Ah, I think that's tweet.
I'll ignore you and carry on.
Broke her little heart, I did.
Trod on it, did you? "Why do you have to go, Alvin?" She pleaded.
"Why is there only you that can save England from deadly enemies?" Aye, we were wondering that.
I expect it was because he had nothing else to do that weekend.
It took him a whole weekend? Well, maybe he was short-handed.
Mind you, he's got legs to match.
"I shall never forget our magical time together," she said between sobs.
So you see, it wasn't just goodbye.
I had to lend her a good hankie.
It had my initials on it.
I don't know why I'm standing here listening to this drivel when I should be at home writing my own! How far have you got with them memoirs? Ah, not very far.
I keep forgetting people's names! Give it a miss.
You're spending too much time stuck in the house.
I'm spending too much time trying to remember people's names.
The thing I remember about her most is, she owes me a hankie.
Old Zachary dead? Are you sure? Well, they must have been pretty sure - they buried him last week.
It's times like these that make you wonder what happened to his mahogany bedroom suite? You knew him quite well, then? If you were familiar with his bedroom suite.
I sold it to him.
He promised I could buy it back when he'd finished with it.
Still, he needn't have hurried for my sake.
It wasn't that much of a hurry.
He was 96.
Well, what can you say? Except I hope he didn't suffer or leave it to anybody who might think it's worth more than it is.
I've forgotten her name, but I can see her as clear as daylight at school.
Pigtailsspectacles tallish lass, blonde black lipstick.
She looked like Snow White's wicked stepmother.
Lipstick at school? Never! She used to chew sticks of liquorice.
Oh, right.
I suppose we all looked like we used stove cleaner for toothpaste.
Have you got any school photographs? Yes, yes.
Come in, come in.
Hang on a minute.
See if you can put a name to a few.
Hang on a minute I'll bring them down.
KNOCK ON DOOR It's only me, Cleggy.
I don't know where the dragon is.
She's here.
Just joking.
You know me, anything for a laugh.
They were seen on their own in a four-wheel-drive vehicle.
Is that significant or something? I don't think any woman who values her reputation would be seen on her own with a driver in an off-road vehicle.
I don't think that danger's something you and I need lose any sleep over.
I wish you'd stop following me.
Why would anybody be following you? I think it's animal attraction.
Hey, animal.
Find a table, sit down and behave.
Fear not, madam, they're under my control.
And less flannel from you.
I think she must have trained with my missus.
Animal attraction? He looks like a neglected whippet.
He's pulling your leg! Life is full of mystery.
Doesn't it make you wonder where Nora got that hat? It makes you wonder why! I think she gets her fashion notes from Oxfam.
Where's the other one? Where's Norman Clegg? Oh, gone down Nostalgia Lane.
Trying not to forget everything he's forgotten.
He's stuck in the house, buried deep in the past.
At the moment he's just stuck, trying to remember the name of a girl at school.
Blonde with glasses, tallish girl.
Pigtail.
Used to chew liquorice.
Sounds like a dangerous pigtail to have.
Did she do needlework? No, that was me.
Choose a sport, they said.
So I picked needlework.
And in no time at all, I was playing for the first team.
Tallish girl? Glasses? Did she used to do handstands? Oh, that one! She used to walk on her hands.
Audrey something.
Needham.
I remember her better upside down than the right way up.
Audrey Needham! What's stoppingemergency? A mahogany bedroom suite.
An emergency mahogany bedroom suite? She's set her heart on it.
Auntie has a heart? She set her wallet on it.
It's gonna be heavy.
People sneer at chipboard, but it's not as heavy.
SHOP BELL RINGS Why are we hanging about when I'm paying for the hire of the vehicle? People don't pay for hanging about.
Some people don't pay much for NOT hanging about! I can't hear him.
Haven't you told him I'm deaf? Deaf when she wants to be.
I've got selective hearing.
There's no cure for it.
Why is it some people are flying jumbo jets and I'm either in some old truck or co-pilot of a hand cart? This truck used to be a jumbo jet.
I had it remodelled.
What happened to the air hostess? Got married, had children, now looks like any other wife.
You see, Smiler, how cruel life is? You're better off on the hand cart.
This is your captain speaking.
Please fasten seatbelts and observe no smoking.
I'm observing no moving.
When are we going to start moving? ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND DIES Audrey Needham.
She was right.
That's who it was.
Was.
Now she's the Widow Winstanley.
Now that we've found her for Clegg, don't you think it'd be nice if we, um, got 'em together? I think all he wanted was her name.
You know what he's like.
If he sees a live woman on his doorstep, he'll get irritable bowel syndrome.
He should get out of the house more, with his friends, where he's safe.
A woman on his doorstep might just do the trick.
That's wicked.
Yes, isn't it? I was rather pleased with it myself.
I'll get her this time.
You'll find the deepest emotions, of course, in the greater poets.
If you're looking to rekindle your primal fire I don't carry matches any more.
You should join our little poetry group.
We perform our own work.
Well, I can do that.
Excellent! Are you a passionate person, Mr Ingleton? Well, I got pretty narked when I stop smoking.
You must have known love.
Oh, don't remind me.
I loved Hubert.
Oh.
And there he was, dead, on the floor.
His mouth was open, you could see his tooth.
He had this lovely tooth.
Just the one tooth? Well, I expect he had more at the back somewhere.
You don't like to pry.
No, no, of course.
Besides, he'd bite if you weren't careful.
He was a hamster.
I was devastated.
He'd be waiting when I got home.
You never think there's gonna come a day when you have to bury your loved ones in a gravy granules tin! Not love in a cage, Mr Ingleton.
Something free, wild, untameable.
You want a ferret! You must read this! I defy you not to be uplifted, energised, rendered more open to the passions our nature calls us to.
Haven't you got anything? Yes? .
.
thinner? Hey, I like the red wires, they look interesting.
Thinking man can't help wondering why Alvin is wet.
Alvin's often wet.
He's getting better at it.
What seems to be the problem, Entwhistle? Bad attitude, this truck.
Where you lot heading? To find a widow for Norman Clegg.
Nothing fancy.
She walks on her hands, I call that fancy.
He can do the same if he wants to talk to her.
He wants woman that walks on her hands? No, we're throwing that in as a bonus.
Liven him up a bit.
Get him out of his room.
A widow for Norman Clegg? Won't he be terrified? DOORBELL RINGS Hello.
Hello, Auntie Rose.
Any change? No.
Oh.
Does he always get this moody about his golf? Not only his own golf.
Now he's ashamed of his partner's golf.
And he's stopped speaking English.
He only speaks grunt.
Grunt? As in, for example Auntie Rose and I are just popping into town, Barry.
Oh.
Now I'm with you.
He speaks grunt.
Oh, don't worry, love.
They always come round in the end.
Sometimes both ends.
What sort of water was it? You smell like a wet dog! Oh? What kind? Do you ever wonder if he's an idiot? Never.
We're absolutely sure he's an idiot.
It's what he does best.
Was there any need to get him wet? I was wondering that.
When fate presents you with a barmpot, you feel obliged to make use of it.
It must be nice having a wild, free lifestyle, where you can get wet whenever you want to.
You want wet, you can wash them windows! It's all right in its place, but there's some places you can do without it.
How come you've brought him here for attention? You've no right flaunting your freedom in front of people who are practically a prisoner.
Prisoner? Every time I blink, you've gone! See, he gets time off for bad behaviour.
We tried Clegg first, but he was most offended that anybody should think he's the kind of person to own a hairdryer! He'll get over it, when he finds his widow on his doorstep.
Well, he only wanted her name.
Why stop at half measures? If you're gonna do a job, do it properly.
You're wicked, d'you know that? It was the first subject we had to pass on joining the vice squad.
We can't go all that way on foot.
We can if we have to, and we seem to have run out of transport.
You're too old to be trekking all that way.
Ow! What the 'eck have you got in there? Just a few yo-yos.
Where are you gonna sell all those old yo-yos? Nobody wants yo-yos.
You have to make them want yo-yos.
How do you think they got started? Just imagine the genius of that first yo-yo salesman.
"What does it do?" people asked.
Well, it goes up and down this bit of string.
And he still sold yo-yos.
Now that's what I call class.
Now, if you two yo-yos would put your backs into it, get this show on the road.
They'll get nowhere with the Widow Winstanley.
She's not daft enough to be interested in men.
Well, she could learn.
It's not too difficult.
I'll ask her.
She'll be here later.
If she's a widow, she must have been interested at one time.
We all make mistakes.
It has to be said, some of us are better at it than others.
Widow Winstanley won't be in a hurry to make another mistake.
You can't stop at one.
It's like falling off a horse.
You have to get straight back in the saddle again.
I'd sooner dump the horse! They're only doing this Widow Winstanley thing to pull Norman Clegg's leg.
Audrey Winstanley is not one for pulling any man's leg! I bet Mr Winstanley was more accustomed to making do with a handshake.
Why is it that marriage seems to take all the excitement out of everything? That's what it's for.
The best substitute for excitement is uncertainty.
Keep them guessing.
I kept mine on his toes.
He never knew where he was.
My Barry couldn't do with uncertainty.
He works for a building society.
You've never lost a husband.
I've lost one.
I don't intend to go through that again.
It's most inconvenient trying to remember what they've done that you can blame 'em for.
Why not just blame them anyway? They're always feeling guilty about something.
They'll never notice.
Is that quite fair? What's fair got to do with it, when there's a husband to be trained away from his natural tendencies to revert back to being single? Pay attention, truck! This behaviour, not acceptable.
You get one more chance.
Don't mess with me, truck.
I order you, stop! ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND DIES Agh! I'm a better golfer now, Barry.
I've been practising.
You can't have improved that much since yesterday.
Yesterday was a bad day.
All you have is bad days.
You can build on that kind of consistency.
It's nothing personal.
It's just that it gets embarrassing watching you digging your own bunkers! It's dangerous with a putter.
But I now know where I've been going wrong.
I know where you're going wrong.
You went wrong here, here and here.
I said I was sorry.
Ah! What seems to be the trouble, Mr Entwhistle? No good truck.
Very bad attitude.
He looks worse than truck! His golf gets worse.
I can fix! You can fix? Tiger Woods calls me all the time for alternative therapy.
You never heard? It's new, I invent it.
How does it work? You take mind from golf, forget it.
How can you forget what's nagging at you? You do something else.
Then, afterwards, golf much improved.
It really works? Tiger Woods not doing bad.
What do you recommend I do to take my mind off golf? Mend truck.
I really think we've cracked it this time.
You're a scheming little weasel.
I like it! Somebody comes, we just pull down the visor.
"Am I safe," she asks herself, "in the hands of this manipulator?" With it down, we're invisible, we can go anywhere! Oh, Howard! Will you still find me attractive when I'm invisible? If me visor steams up, the answer's a yes! MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello.
Good day to you, Howard.
I represent Acme Double-glazing.
Have you considered the benefits of fitting a heat-retaining device to that visor? Have you ever had to give the kiss of life? Not in t'middle of a sandwich.
You think you could give anybody the kiss of life? Not anybody.
Me neither.
I lay awake sometimes at night thinking, will tomorrow be the day I have to give some scruff the kiss of life? What's the alternative? I think if they were really scruffy, I'd use a straw.
Look at that.
That poor old lady.
He ought to be ashamed.
Come on, Cleggy, get thee coat on.
You seen anything belonging to me lately? Have we seen him? Er, never exactly saw him.
Well, if you do see him, tell him I'm at the poetry reading at the library.
You won't get Mr Clegg out.
He's trying to finish his memoirs before his memory goes.
Too late.
I can't even remember Audrey Needham.
Now the Widow Winstanley.
That's it! Audrey Needham! Oh! She's meeting Ivy at the cafe if you want to meet her.
It all comes back to me now.
So get your coat on.
You can't stay in all day.
No, no, no, no, no.
I've got to get it all down now.
Last chance, Clegg before we have to takemeasures.
What are you trying to do? Kill the old lady? You wouldn't treat your wife like that.
She wouldn't let you.
You have to be firm.
Then what happens? She still wouldn't let you.
Musical telegram for Mrs Winstanley from Norman Clegg.
# We wish you a merry Christmas # We wish you a merry Christmas # We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year # Norman Clegg remembers Audrey Needham # Has fond memories of Audrey Needham # He wants to meet you Audrey Needham # And invite you to tea # And liquorice too.
# Now, can we all settle down, please, everyone.
Husbands, boyfriends or brothers, pleased to come in and just help, that would be lovely.
Ho, ho, ho! Can anyone hide injoin in here? Yes, of course, Mr Clegg.
Do sit down.
Now, for our first contribution, we have Mr Ingleton.
And now Mr Ingleton is going to read his own composition, which is autobiographical.
I wrote it myself.
Mr Ingleton.
"Falling in love is a youthful delight "It starts just before you leave school "It could even start sooner, "if it weren't for the fact "That you're frightened of looking a fool # Then, hey presto, there's a change # You begin to feel proud # Cos you've chosen a partner and out of the crowd # Now you hold hands gently # To show that you care # And with a shy little kiss # You start an affair # Now the first time I fell in love # Could only be classed as superb # The second affair was also quite nice # But the one I liked best was the third # Although four, I were sure, # Would be top of the list # It was beaten by five, six and seven # I thought eight was perfection with all that I wished # Number nine must have dropped in from heaven # And as the list grew bigger it became just a habit # Any chance of a date it couldn't wait, I'd just grab it # So I made up my mind to be much more fastidious # And try to avoid all the ones that were hideous # Then later when my age was reaching the stage # Where the choice had to be more elastic # They were wrinkled and agein' their faces need cagin' # But to get one at all was fantastic # Then common sense showed me the way # Said I mustn't be greedy no more # Settle down with one only then never feel lonely # With a wife and some kids I'd adore # So I started to court an old hag # Cos I knew it was time to get wed # But then when I asked it she said I was past it # And made me get out of her bed # But I'm still trying hard and nobody's barred # So I thought that I ought just to mention # That with no luck so far whoever you are # I've got a small house # And a pension! # Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Can you tell me why a policeman in uniform buys a yo-yo? She's tougher than she looks, that old biddy.
You're not kidding.
Come on, Clegg, tell us why you changed your mind.
Some woman on my doorstep.
Never! I wonder how she got there.
I had to hide in the poetry group.
I've had this premonition all day.
Somebody was going to burst into song.