South Park s26e01 Episode Script

1
I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
- Hey, dudes.
- Hey, what's up?
Just wondering if you guys have seen me
and Tolkien's latest Tiktok?
You guys made another TikTok?
I think it's really our best one yet!
Yeah, nobody really gives a
shit about your TikToks, guys.
- Hey, really great TikTok, guys!
- Oh! Thanks!
- Yeah, it was pretty amazing.
- Awesome!
Well, anyway you guys gotta check
it out when you get a chance!
- See ya later!
- Yeah, see you guys!
Hey fellas! Loved that last TikTok!
Thanks, Butters!
Konnichiwa!
Sayonara!
Kochi, kochi, kochi!
Sayonara!
Konnichiwa!
Sayonara
What the [BLEEP] is this?
Seriously, what the [BLEEP] is this?
Have you guys noticed
that Kyle and Tolkien
are, like, doing
everything together lately?
Yeah, they're quite the
little team, aren't they?
I, uh I'm gonna inside, guys.
I'm gonna get some homework done.
Wow. I feel really bad for Stan.
It's gotta be hard to
suddenly have your best friend
always hanging with someone else.
Mrph.
I gotta see if there's
some way I can help.
There's a little voice inside me
that can't stand to
see my friend suffer.
Mrph rmh rmphm?
I'm gonna go be a good Christian.
Okay, just the woodwinds
for this section.
Hey, Tolkien! What's goin' on?
This is the brass section.
Yeah, I know. I was just
I was noticing that
you're kind of hanging out
a lot with Kyle lately.
Is there a problem with that?
No, I think it's amazing.
It's awesome that someone
like you could be okay
with someone like him,
given all the new information lately.
You know, the stuff
that's come out about
how the Jews stole the
Black race's identity,
that the lost tribes of Judah
were actually all Africans.
You didn't hear about this?
Black people are actually the Jews
and people like Kyle
have taken that from them?
- Stop talking to me.
- When the Jews came to America
to escape persecution in World War II,
they found that Blacks were
already the underclass in America,
so they had to invent
a story for themselves
which they can make everyone believe
because Kyle runs Hollywood!
Kyle runs Hollywood, Tolkien.
Hey, Stan.
Guess what. I have
some good news for you.
What?
A little magic fairy told me
that you and Kyle are gonna
get back together soon.
I don't care that Kyle is
making TikToks with Tolkien.
Yes, you do.
But don't worry, Stan.
It's almost Valentine's Day.
And the little angel on my shoulder
says that Kyle is gonna come
running back to you any minute.
Hey, Stan.
Oh.
Hey, Kyle.
- Rm!
- Uh-huh.
- Well, dude, you wanna sit down?
- Oh, no sorry.
I was actually just seeing if you
had a phone charger I could borrow.
Me and Tolkien are making
another TikTok video
and my stupid phone died!
Oh. Yeah. Sure.
Thanks, dude!
Tolkien, I got one, dude!
The [BLEEP] is going on?
Well, um, I'm gonna
head back to class, guys.
I don't get it. The little
cupid is always right.
Mrph rmhmhm rm.
Why didn't Tolkien listen?
Did you tell him about
the Black Hebrew tribes?
Yeah, I told him everything, Cupid Ye!
And did you tell him how the Jews stole
Black people's identity?
Yeah, but it didn't work, Cupid Ye.
That's okay, Eric!
Remember, being a good Christian means
helping people even when it's hard.
You're right, Cupid Ye.
Can you help make sure
Tolkien hears our message?
Spreading information
is like spreading love.
I'll help you get the word out, Eric!
Tee hee hee! Tee hee hee!
All the pretty girls
walk like this, this, this ♪
This, this ♪
Pretty girls walk like
this, this, this, this ♪
Wow, that's so cool, Tolkien.
Look how many likes we're
getting for this one!
Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?
Yeah. What's up?
Well, there's this rumor starting
to go around the school.
Kids are saying that, like
I don't know, that,
like, you run Hollywood?
What?
I told Scott that that's
just people being dumb
and he shouldn't listen
to stuff like that.
But Scott and I do
have this sweet movie idea
about a dude who has guns for hands
and we have the first
20 pages written, so
You don't really run Hollywood, right?
I'm not even going to
justify that with a response.
Because repeating a derogatory slur,
even for the purpose of refuting it,
can make stupid people think it's valid!
Holy shit. Kyle runs Hollywood.
Kyle runs Hollywood, and
you [BLEEP] up the pitch!
How'd I [BLEEP] up the pitch?!
You gotta tell him what the stakes are.
People who make movies, they
just care about the stakes!
The guy has guns for hands!
Mr. Cartman, did you or did you
not tell students at this school
that Kyle runs Hollywood?
I think I did say that, yes.
And why would you say
such an intolerant,
offensive thing like that?
Somebody runs Hollywood.
Lots of people run Hollywood!
Yes, lots of people like Kyle.
Mr. Cartman you are on dangerous
frickin ground here, buddy!
I'm sorry, why is it so offensive
to say who runs Hollywood?
People like Hollywood. Hollywood's cool.
The Jews should be honored
to be in charge of it.
Hey! I am telling you right now, Eric.
The next time anyone says anything about
Kyle running Hollywood, that person
is gonna have two months detention.
Two months?!
Jesus, Mary mother full of grace.
You guys really take this seriously.
Please help me be the
best Christian I can be.
All I want is to help people,
but nobody understands.
Please, I can't do this alone.
Tee hee hee!
There you are, Cupid Ye!
Sorry, Eric, I was just busy
praising our Savior's
name in the music studio!
The Principal said I can't talk about
Kyle running Hollywood
anymore, Cupid Ye!
Well, of course, Eric!
They're trying to silence you.
That's what they do.
Who's they?
Oh right them.
Tee hee hee! Jews!
But Cupid Ye, I have to
get to Tolkien or else
Stan is gonna be sad forever!
Okay! I'll help you help
your friend however I can.
You're such a good Christian, Eric.
Thanks.
Just don't do anything
too drastic, okay?
What do you mean?
I dunno know, it's just
ever since you changed your
name and got all into Jesus,
you've been acting a little
bat shit crazy, Cupid Ye.
Tee hee hee! Don't worry, Eric!
I'm gonna make everything better!
Praiiise Jesus!
Tee hee hee! Tee hee hee hee!
The true Jews of Israel
are your Black ancestors
Tee hee hee..
Huh?
You think you and Kyle
make TikToks together?
Kyle only cares about money.
Tee hee hee
Mmm?
Think about it.
Are you really making TikToks together,
or is Kyle profiting off of you?
It's just like the
lost tribes of Israel.
Kyle wants to take all the
credit for what you doing.
Tolkien?
Oh, Jesus!
Hey, I didn't see you at the playground.
Thought we were doing
that morning TikTok.
Oh yeah, sorry.
I didn't get the best sleep last night.
Everything okay?
Hey, Kyle! How's it going, man?
Good, Jimmy. How are you?
Great! F-F-Fantastic!
Is there something you wanted, Jimmy?
Oh, yeah!
I just realized that I've
never given you my headshot.
You know, just in case
anything ever comes up.
Anything like what?
Anything like
Anything you might need my headshot for.
Jimmy, I do not run Hollywood!
Well, that's not what everyone's saying.
Everyone! I do not run Hollywood!
Get a [BLEEP] clue!
God dammit! This thing
has gotten out of control!
Ah, it's not a big deal.
It's a huge deal!
It's an attack on my ethnicity, Tolkien.
You don't understand!
I don't understand?
Yeah, Tolkien.
There's lots of Black people in the NBA,
but nobody says, "The NBA
is run by Black people!"
That's because the NBA
is run by white people!
Okay, yeah, good point.
Look, I'm sorry.
You wanna just go make
the morning TikTok?
Yeah, sure. We still have time.
Cool, come on.
Stan?
Sometimes, Jesus works slowly.
Stop talking to me.
Hey, Ger. You got a minute to talk?
Yeah, what's up, Randy?
Look, I
I know that boys will be boys
and as parents, we can't always control
what their personal decisions are.
No, of course not.
I just want you to
know first off that
your son is a great kid.
You know, Stan and Kyle have
always been really close,
and I know their friendship
has meant so much.
What's happened, Randy?
Well, Gerald, I don't know
if you can just talk to your son but
can we just admit this whole
woke thing isn't working?
Woke thing?
I mean, it's been great in so many ways,
but now it's like every
movie and every TV show.
You know, it's like, you
can see through it now.
Audiences want to be entertained.
They don't want to be preached at,
and if you're just
doing shows and movies
that have like an agenda, it's like
It's just going to keep failing.
Randy, what are you talking about?
Box office is down,
people are tuning out.
You know it's what killed
the Marvel franchise.
And just as a side note,
I'm gonna say it out loud.
"Avatar 2" sucked. It
just sucked, Gerald.
Someone had to be
brave enough to say it.
God dammit! I do not
[BLEEP] run Hollywood!
Gerald, can you talk to him?
Kyle, what is he talking about?!
He's just being an idiot
and listening to what
[BLEEP] Eric Cartman said!
I did not hear it from Eric Cartman.
I heard it from a prominent,
respected artist on television.
Who?!
Our next guest is a world
famous rapper and artist
who claims that the Jews run Hollywood.
What exactly do you mean by that?
Well, mostly I just mean
that Jews control everything
we see on TV and the movies.
And why do you not want to
show your face right now?
Well, that's 'cause
there's this one Jew
Um, his name is Kyle.
And he can totally retaliate me,
'cause he like, runs Hollywood.
Yeah, and Jews try to
silence people all the time.
Especially Black people.
Yeah, especially Black people.
That's because of all the
new information lately.
The new information about
how the chosen people
were actually Africans.
So, you know, Black people
have really been hurt by the Jews.
Yeah, so Hitler actually
wasn't a bad guy.
Yeah, so Whoa, whoa, Cupid Ye.
That's going a bit too far.
He's just trying to be shocking.
What are you watching, honey?
I have no idea.
- Mommy? ♪
- What is it, Caillou? ♪
Can I get Roblox on my Xbox? ♪
Sure thing, Caillou,
as long as it's free ♪
Oh, for sure, it is for free ♪
Okay, wait, wait, cut. Hang on.
Let's try it again. I think
you forgot the words.
Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired.
I didn't get the best sleep last night.
Maybe I should do the mom part.
Nah, you do the kid part. It's funnier.
Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just means you're in charge.
Oh, I'm in charge,
Like I control things?
Huh, are you gonna start
saying I run Hollywood now too?
I didn't say you run Hollywood.
And honestly, I'm getting
kind of sick of hearing it.
You're sick of hearing it?
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.
Oh, my God, are you
listening to yourself?
You of all people should
have some compassion.
Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?
You seriously don't know why?
You know that Jews have
stood alongside Blacks
since the Civil Rights
movement began, right?
What does that have to do with anything?
I'm just saying I thought
you'd be a better friend.
'Cause you're like
'Cause I'm like what? Black?
Oh my God, this is so awesome.
Whatever, Tolkien.
Now you're gonna act like I somehow
did something wrong to you.
No, you didn't do it to me.
It just seems to work out that
way all the time for you people.
You people?
No, it works that way for you people!
You know what? I don't wanna
make TikToks with you anymore!
I don't wanna make
TikToks with you anymore!
Good!
Good!
We did it.
I can't believe we did it.
Praise Christ! They'll
probably never talk again!
And now Stan can have
his best friend back.
Yeah, and we can spread our Nazi message
all over the world!
Whoa, whoa, okay, Cupid Ye.
You mean our Christian message.
It's the same thing. Christian
message, Nazi message.
Hitler was a great Christian.
Cupid Ye, are you okay?
Do you need to, like, talk to somebody?
I mean it.
People have to die so that
the better races can live.
Okay, Cupid Ye. Time to go back inside.
Tee hee hee hee! Tee hee hee!
Come on, let's go, Ye.
I don't think so, dawg!
Let's go torch some mother[BLEEP]!
Deathcon one, bitches!
Yeeee?!
Yeeeeeeeeeeee!
Oh, shit.
Yeah?
Stan! We aren't safe!
What?
He's totally gone crazy.
I don't think I can
reason with him anymore!
Reason with who?
Stan, listen to me.
There's someone who's been
messing with Kyle and Tolkien.
He said it was to be
a good Christian, but
But I think he's just been
using Christianity as an excuse
to be a racist piece of shit.
What did you do?
Not me, Stan!
This is going to be extremely
hard to believe, but
There's a little magic angel
that comes each year
around Valentine's Day.
He spreads love and brings
lonely people together.
But this year is different.
Cupid me found Christ
and changed his name.
And I have to find a way
to get him back on his meds.
Dude, Cartman, are you okay?
Do you need to, like, talk to somebody?
Stan, do you believe in Santa Claus?
Yeah.
Do you believe in the Easter Bunny?
I guess so.
Then believe that tomorrow
is Valentine's Day
and there's no telling
what Cupid Ye is capable of.
Happy Valentine's Day, Clyde!
Here's a Valentine for you, Red!
Ah, Valentine's day. Isn't it nice?
Love is in the air!
Dee deet deedle-y doo! ♪
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger ♪
But she ain't messin'
with no broke Jew ♪
Who is it? Tee-hee-hee!
Hey! Asshole!
Other people need to
use the bathroom, too!
Whoa Dude
Happy Valentine's Day, bitch!
What the hell?!
How about a little anti-Semitism?
Ugh!
Aahghgghgh!!!!
Tee-hee-hee-hee! Tee-hee-hee-hee!
Tee-hee-hee-hee! Tee-hee-hee!
What is that?!
Tolkien!
Tolkien, I need to talk to you.
About what?
Tolkien I owe you an apology.
Someone has been messing with you
and it was all for me.
I don't get it.
I've been jealous about
you and Kyle's TikToks.
Tee-hee-hee! Tee-hee-hee-hee!
Attention, students!
There is a giant bee in the school!
Get somewhere safe! There's a giant bee!
Oh, Jesus, here it is!
Tee-hee-hee-hee! Tee-hee-hee!
Oh, God! It's a bee!!
Look, there he is!
What do you think you're doing, Kyle?
W-What do you mean?
A "Lord of the Rings" prequel?!
What were you thinking?
How many more superheroes
do you think we need?!
Mario Brothers, Kyle?!
You seriously can't do
better than Mario Brothers?!
That's enough, you guys!
Tolkien?
I'm sorry, Kyle.
It's not his fault, it's mine!
I was jealous of you
guys and your TikToks.
What are you waiting for?!
Let's jack up these mofos!
- Holy shit!
- What the hell is that?!
Cupid Yeeeeeeee!
Time to take your meds.
No! Those are how people control me!
You're taking your meds,
Ye, one way or another!
No! I'm not taking
- You're taking your medication!
- Let me go!
- I'm not t
- You're taking it, Ye!
Swallow it! Swallow it!
Swallow it! Swallow it!
Ye? Ye?
Eric?
Cupid me?!
You guys! It's Cupid me! He's back!
What day is it?
Why it's Valentine's Day, Cupid me!
Valentines Day?!
Well, then, I need to get to work!
Tee-hee-hee-hee!
Tee-hee-hee! Yeah!
Tee-hee-hee-hee! Tee-hee-hee!
We have a young man who
is joining us here today
to talk about stereotypes
and the harm that they can bring.
Young man, what is your message?
My message is, we can't
control what people say.
So we have to be smart about
what we choose to believe.
If one idiot says that a certain group
"runs Hollywood," look into it.
With very minimal effort,
you will find that "Hollywood"
is a multi-tiered industry
run by tens of thousands of people
from all over the world.
In the past, Jews were shut
out of most professions.
So they came to dominate
vaudeville, which back then
was considered too low-brow
for good Christians.
Those Jews eventually moved West
and started the first movie studios
when movies were also considered
work for the underclasses.
And their descendants
are now a decent
percentage of the thousands
of people of all races
that make Hollywood run.
This young man
has said in plain words what
so many of us in Hollywood
have been trying to get
people to understand.
To hear it all so
plain, and so passionate.
This kid thinks about things
the way we all need to.
You know what I think?
I think this kid should run Hollywood!
Yeah!
Whoa, whoa Wait, what? Whoa.
- Let him run Hollywood!
- Yeah! Give the kid a shot!
- Come on!
- Let him do it!
God damn it.
Let the Jew run it!
Let the Jew run it!