Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s26e02 Episode Script

It's a while since I did this.
Didn't do it in the police force, then? Problem was keeping your helmet on.
Didn't you've a chin strap? Very dangerous, chin straps.
A person could creep up behind, grab your helmet, start pulling back and there you were being strangled.
Did it ever happened to thee? Fairly regularly.
Sounds a bit rough.
Where were you stationed? It wasn't at work.
It happened at home.
It was the former Mrs Truelove.
As soon as I came through the door, wallop! Grab your helmet.
Why don't you get something on? If you can't stand the heat, keep away from the oven.
You don't see me parading outdoors in only my nightie.
Only?! I've seen it on the line.
You call that only? You need planning permission for that these days! Talk about a granny flat! You should be wearing flannelette at your age.
Them things don't belong with a senior rail card.
He had lovely manners.
But then he was foreign.
How foreign? In some respects, very.
I've enough trouble with the natives without going foreign.
I'm teaching him a few card tricks, improving his social skills.
He'll be in demand at parties.
Top hat, tails, rabbit up his sleeve.
He'll need one up his jumper to put some life into him(!) Old fashioned.
He should try something different.
Maybe juggle three washing machines? I could supply.
How to shine at parties - that's always been my problem.
How do you take a bow and arrow to a party? The question is, WHY would you want to take a bow and arrow to a party? In case somebody asks, "Is there anybody here who is good on a bow and arrow?" Ask that a lot, do they? I've heard them ask if you can play a musical instrument.
There is your cue then! You leap up and shout, "I can play the bow and arrow.
" They can hum along with it.
It's no good if you haven't got one with you.
It's a spur-of-the-moment thing.
You've got to catch them while they are in the mood.
You know what they're like at parties.
Ugly.
Ugly? I don't know why.
I just know the one who gets you in a corner, always ugly.
It'll get better as the night goes on.
Anyway, when you get back with your bow, they've probably forgotten who you are.
Probably won't even let you back in.
They'll be watching me doing card tricks.
I went to some very funny parties in the vice squad.
The dress codes were very relaxed.
I do good at parties.
I tell future.
What sort of stuff you tell 'em? I tell them, buy a washing machine.
Does it work? Better than bow and arrow.
Pick a card.
Eight of hearts.
Don't tell me, I'm supposed to tell you.
Oh, all right then.
What was it? Eight of hearts.
Smiler! That was marvellous! I sometimes wonder if you two look like the kind of executive smoothies one expects to see behind the modern business handcart.
Give us a chance! He's learning card tricks.
I am going to be in demand for social occasions.
But will it improve his style, business-wise? The trouble here is we don't look like a slick, modern operation.
I think that's a fair comment.
Your handcart's past it.
Look who's talking! Don't get excited.
We're here on behalf of a charitable cause.
Dash it, and I've just given my last penny to some starving orphans.
She thinks on her feet, you've got to give her that.
I always found that things got trickiest when you were off your feet.
Did you spend much time being ill, Auntie Ros? It's about now your mother would say, "Drink your coffee.
" I wouldn't say I was ever really ill, love, it was more that I tended to give in under pressure.
I think we all sometimes feel like that.
Not quite like that, we don't.
Let's face it, there's none of us under much pressure these days.
But what about when you were courting? Your Sunday-best had to last.
There was no way you could afford the wear and tear of more than one steady boyfriend.
Besides, if you went home with any creases, there was uproar.
I must have missed all that.
I gave up love for money and we've lived happily ever since.
Just remember, this is for charity.
We're looking for something exceptional in a nearly-new oven.
For the church hall.
What did we do with that exceptional, nearly-new oven? I left it to him.
Eh? I don't remember any Step inside, ladies.
By exceptional, as well as beautiful condition, we were thinking of something very reasonable.
Reasonable is what we're famous for.
Ow! Are you in pain, Mr Simmonite? Only till five o'clock.
HE IMITATES SOUND OF AEROPLANE No, I told him, I've done it.
Personally.
More than once.
I swore an oath on the Gardener's Weekly.
There is no arguing with that.
It was all that was handy.
He must have believed you then.
There's no messing lightly with a Gardener's Weekly.
Not him.
Not old McDermott! So, how are you going to convince him? I'll prove it.
I'll repeat the experiment.
Old McDermott never believes anybody.
I am surprised he doesn't put his talents to some use and become a policeman.
He'd have felt right at home.
His wife's built like a police station.
The man is unreliable.
He promised me Templeton, and I'm still waiting.
I only had a catapult and a white mouse.
How come you had a Lucy Templeton? I won her from Coggy for holding my breath the longest.
Ah well, as long as it was all legal.
MUFFLED RADIO MESSAGE Was that for us? No.
How do you know? Instinct.
It's good enough.
You're not going back to sleep again, are you? I've never been asleep.
I may have closed my eyes, as you do when you are running important things through your mind.
You were snoring.
I was trying to memorise things so complicated that it could sound like snoring.
What things? Are you cleared for classified information? As clear as you are.
You understand that what I am about to tell you must go no further.
I understand.
All right then.
I admit, I was sleeping.
Now you've seen it, did I lie? Is it a fine nearly-new oven? But it's your oven, from your own kitchen.
You can't take the woman's oven.
We might if the price is right.
You sound just like an older version of me, Mrs Batty.
Not linked by blood, are we? We might be, if I hear any more cracks about older.
Will the price include delivery? Ye gods, we're all related, it's a family reunion.
Just remember, this oven's for the church hall.
So think of the number you first thought of and half it.
You'll be storing up treasure in heaven.
But at what rate of interest? It's them orphans I gave my last penny to, isn't it? They have been talking, telling everybody what a soft touch I am.
All right.
I'll throw in free delivery.
I'm sure it was this tree.
I remember thinking, "What a tall tree!" I remember thinking that particularly when I fell.
We used to fall a lot in those days.
How come we never got killed? We were saving that for a rainy day.
Did little Bobby Watson get killed? No.
They moved to Luton.
I knew it was something sad.
I used to climb faster than this.
We were younger and fitter.
I used to be shy and unsought-after until I took this body-building course.
Did you have much trouble getting your money back? Yes! Yes! This is it, this is the tree.
You can see Tollgate church! Ha ha! I told McDermott, you can see Tollgate church clock from this tree.
Keep it down, Clegg, we've got company.
Look who's coming.
It's where young people used to come in those days.
Young people! Oh, Howard, it's not everybody who realises I still fit into that category! Cleggy reminded me.
It's such a nice, quiet spot.
It is quiet - cut-off, remote, isolated.
It's a good job I'm confident that you'll behave like a gentleman.
Haven't I always? Every single time.
You're doing it again.
Unfasten your seat belt, Barry, this is the captain speaking.
Where are we going, Glenda? We're not going anywhere.
I've got to get a meal ready.
Where's the world going? I don't know, but it can get its own meals ready.
Alone at last.
It feels very like it.
Once she's alone at last, a girl can't help wondering what comes next.
I thought you might have some ideas.
All my planning goes into getting us alone at last.
You should have said, I could have brought some embroidery.
It's years since I've done any embroidery.
A mutual interest.
I was always torn between needlework and becoming a wrestler.
A flyweight, of course.
So those are the options? Needlework or wrestling? Well, since we haven't brought any needlework I'm not sure it would work without a referee.
I shall just have to trust you, Howard, not to cheat.
If you could help me down from this tree, I'd be available to ensure fair play.
Cheer up, Howard, the world's full of referees.
It's too steep.
For two grown men? Your muscle and my brains? Give over! There's usually only one grown man doing all the work, and that's me.
Oh yes, am I detecting a tone of resentment? Is this what I get after smothering you with care and attention? Who takes all the management decisions? Who keeps you free from executive stress? It's too steep! It's not too steep! Trust me, that's a management decision.
There aren't any brakes, remember.
I'll be the brake.
I'll be at the front, won't I? Taking the weight and keeping it from going too fast.
Are you sure about that? That's what management's all about - being able to see a way out of any problems.
Let's go.
Wagons roll! Oh! Oh-h-h-h-h-h! Ow! Ooh! Oh! You're going too fast.
I know I'm going too fast.
That's the first thing we have agreed on all day! Tha's doing well, Alvin, for a short bloke.
This is easier than staring at the stuff on Nora Batty's clothes line.
We can understand that, but is the staring compulsory? You try not to, but it draws you like there's some terrifying presence behind it.
I've taken to drawing curtains and wearing dark glasses on wash days.
Save your breath for blowing your pudding and helping me! What's Cleggy doing up there, anyway? I was wondering that.
You don't always like to ask.
He wanted to see Tollgate church clock.
Why doesn't he buy a watch like anybody else? I heard that, Howard.
Does Pearl know about the wrestling? Don't you dare! A gentleman would only eavesdrop in the strictest confidence.
I'm sure it was a momentary lapse from his interest in embroidery.
He'll be doing several laps if Pearl find out! What's he gonna do when he gets here? Is he any good at helping people down from trees? We will find out, won't we? I'm Alvin, rescuer of people up trees.
Fancy sending Alvin! He volunteered.
There you go! You see, he's an idiot.
I'm Alvin, idiot and rescuer of If that's his idea of getting people down, I'm staying up here! Mother.
You wouldn't think he'd got so much speed in him! He was a blur.
He is well known for being a blur! My knees are still shaking.
I'm surprised they're not red-hot! Does he always fly about like that? It's his nature to push where few have gone before.
I was trying to go slower! Something that he normally does very well.
To the left.
That one's nearly as fast wi' his mouth as t'other one is wi' handcart.
That's it.
Both there watching.
I wonder if this is just the tip of some giant criminal enterprise.
One oven, one handcart? Just the tip.
I'm not saying we have got as far as Mr Big yet.
Do you realise how long people are dead? Not just long people, short people are dead too.
Do we spend enough time thinking about the big questions? Do you want mash tonight or chips? Chips.
I'm gonna begin, Glenda.
I'm gonna start thinking about the really big questions.
Who's that coming out of number 23? Oh, that bigger question! I thought she was brunette.
She's brunette, that's not her.
She could be just a friend.
She doesn't look like just a friend.
She looks like someone who shouldn't be there with make-up on when his wife's away.
We've no evidence for thinking that.
Oh, really? What do you think she might be doing there? Maybe his wife asked her to keep an eye on him.
You really think she's the kind a wife would pick for keeping an eye on her husband? I can see her with an eye on somebody's husband all right, but without being commissioned.
Maybe she has been baking for him while his wife is away.
She looks like a baker to you?! How can you tell at a distance? Barry, wives are born being able to tell from a distance.
She could be selling something.
Right(!) And don't ever let me catch you buying.
She could be his sister.
Now there you've got me, it's true.
She could be his sister that looks nothing like him, that we have never heard about and only comes when his wife's away.
Glenda, you are getting really suspicious about a neighbour.
One who not only keeps a clean car but is a golfer.
You think either of those activities guarantee his good behaviour? They're pointers.
I keep a clean car, I am a golfer.
They aren't the things that give me confidence in you, Barry.
What then? If you ever feel guilty, you turn beetroot-red.
If you were misbehaving, I couldn't help but notice.
It would be like living with a sad fire engine.
I still say she could be there on business.
When you get back from Disneyland, let me know what you want for tea.
Maybe she's his secretary.
He's a travelling salesman.
Lucky she found him in, then! Help is on its way! Keep your spirits up, sing or something! "Alone at last?!" It was just our timing that was off.
The people down there are behaving suspiciously, by the tree.
What do think they're doing? Probably some ancient custom.
Behaving suspiciously under t'tree(?) They probably don't call it that.
They won't go about saying, "Let's go and behave suspiciously at the foot of a tree.
" They'll have some ancient name for it.
What kind of thing could they be doing? We're talking really ancient here.
Ten to one it's some kind of pagan religious ceremony.
I thought they were mostly Chapel around here.
No, it's older than that.
They hang on to their ancient customs in these country areas.
Such as? Human sacrifice.
You think they're still doing human sacrifice? They have that three-legged race on a pancake Tuesday! How old's that? This'll do it.
Who's going up this time? I've got no head for falls.
He's my neighbour, I'm going up.
Oh, Howard, you will be careful? Tell this young lady, whoever she is, yes, I will be careful.
Yes, he will be careful.
You're not sending Howard up? He volunteered.
Well, there you go again, how can you trust anybody like that? Right, now, this is your safety net.
It can't go wrong, Howard.
Did that sound convincing to you? I am not sure it sounded convincing to me.
If you fall Don't say that! I should hate that to happen.
Even to a comparative stranger.
Nobody's going to fall but we'll all be on the end of the rope.
If he slips, he'll just swing gently in the air and we'll lower him to the ground.
Where's your sense of danger? Where's the adventure? You might be opening a tea-room in Leamington Spa! Have you made up your minds who's coming up? I am.
He is.
Oh, great(!) I can understand that Tarzan's not available, but really! He's not going to carry you.
He's just going to watch where you put your feet.
Will someone escort this young lady to safety? I would hate to fall on her.
You never give that impression(!) He does to me(!) They've got a truck and a rope now.
Why do they need a truck and a rope? Hanging somebody from a truck, bound to be illegal.
Unless Unless what? Unless it's his truck.
Is it illegal if it's his truck? It gets trickier.
I'm much happier with traffic offences.
Me too.
You know what we ought to do? Go back and get that restless beggar who was speeding with his handcart.
Where we going to be if everybody starts speeding wi' handcarts? Going well, Howard, nearly there! It's getting higher! Yes, it does that when you keep going up(!) It's all right going up.
It's coming down you have to watch.
Tis the way you do it.
I usually have wonderful balance.
Does that include your mental balance? I'll have to think about that.
Can you see Howard, Clegg? I daren't look, I'm not looking down! That's a great help(!) I'm not supposed to help! You are supposed to be the help! I bet Robin Hood is turning in his grave.
He used to practically live in a tree! I'm beginning to feel like I'm practically living in a tree.
You want washing machine, about so high.
How would that help? It would help me, I sell washing machines.
Are you getting any nearer, Howard? Yes.
I can see Cleggy's feet.
The rest of him should be there somewhere.
I've got him.
Hook the rope over that branch and tie yourself to Clegg.
We'll hold the rope and gently lower them down.
Didn't I tell you? When Truly says you'll be safe, he means safe.
TREE MAKES CRACKING NOISE Another book lover, how may we help you? Have you got How To Poison Your Husband? I am sorry, it's out.
Anyway, there's a waiting list.
Good heavens, a reading rush! We want a book on the law.
Oh, we have several.
Oh, they have several.
We'll have the biggest.
We'll have the biggest.
Oh, we don't want that much.
We just want to know how an oven can get a speeding ticket.
I'm not sure that old McDermott believes me, even now.
Didn't you tell him you had just been up the tree and checked it? I told him, you know what he's like.
I think he invented suspicion.
Probably nicked from my missus.
SIREN WAILS When I fell from the tree, I had this ringing noise in my ears.
Now it's a siren.
Matches your underpants.
SIREN GETS LOUDER Now where's that going? It's old McDermott.
He's stuck up the tree trying to see Tollgate church clock.
Remind him he owes me 300 marbles! To old McDermott.
Old McDermott.
McDermott.
I'd stay up a tree if I had Mrs McDermott.
They start well, but they can all finish up as Mrs McDermott.
Mine started as Mrs McDermott.
I never really looked at Mrs Clegg.
You don't when you're living with someone.
You wake up in the night and you take it for granted who's lying beside you.
Good God, I had better check! Take a card.
Thank you.