South Park s26e02 Episode Script

1
I'm goin' down to South
Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
♪♪
Today is a tragic day for Canada.
Thousands of Canadians
have gathered to mourn
the passing of their beloved mother.
The Queen is dead.
The Queen is dead ♪
Every Canadian everywhere
is feeling absolute emptiness right now.
Oh, God, she's dead ♪
And now the casket is
brought down the aisle
- with the Queen inside.
- Oh, God, no, not her ♪
The Queen's body being
carried by the royal guard.
What a horrible day for
Canada and therefore the world.
Not the Queen ♪
Ike Ike, come on, dude,
you can't keep doing this.
She is dead. She's dead.
She's dead, Kyle.
Ike, the Queen died
like four months ago.
- You gotta let it go.
- And gone forever ♪
And here comes
Canada's most beloved musician,
Sir Smelly John.
Yes, Smelly John is
sitting down at the piano
with a tribute for the Queen, I believe.
Goodbye, queefy Queen ♪
Seems as though you've
queefed your last queef ♪
Okay, it's 7:00.
- it's my turn to use the computer.
- No!
Ike, me and my friends are
playing "Darktide" right now.
- Get off!
- [BLEEP] you, Kyle! [CRYING]
Oh, and now people
are starting to stare angrily.
Y Yes, it looks like the
Prince and his new wife
have just shown up.
The Prince and his wife have, of course,
been bashing the Canadian monarchy.
A lot of Canadians hate them now.
Oh, and I belive the Earl of Halifax
has just farted on the
Prince's wife's face!
The Prince seems to have
taken offense to this.
Oh, this is bad now.
Ike, I'm playing
"Darktide" with my friends.
- No, get off me!
- Ike, God damn it, get off!
- Hey, guys.
- Kyle, dude, where were you last night?
- Yeah, we were all waiting.
- Look, I know you think
I haven't been showing
up for things, but
but I got screwed by my little brother.
He just keeps crying about the Queen.
And then there's this
Prince and his wife
and they're bashing
the Canadian monarchy.
I guess it's like people don't even know
why they showed up to the funeral
But, anyway, I'm really sorry
I ruined game time for everyone.
You didn't ruin it for
anyone. We played without you.
What? Y You guys, we we
said we'd all level up together.
Well, yeah, we're all like level 12 now.
We got some sweet drip, dude.
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
But this isn't fair, it wasn't my fault.
Hey, guys. Did you get to
upgrade your rifle, Stan?
Yeah, it's got a lot better range now.
What about you?
I kept the same gun, but
I got some sweet drip.
- Nice, sweet drip, dude.
- Mrph rmhmhm rm!
It stinks, doesn't it?
What stinks?
When people make certain
judgements about you.
I've been watching you, Kyle,
and I can see you're having
some problems with your brand.
My brand?
You see, everyone has an image, Kyle.
Some kids call it your credibility
or your reputation,
but those things are just little parts
of something much more important
your brand.
Think about it, Kyle.
Who are you?
I'm just I I'm just me.
See? You don't know what your brand is.
So how is anyone else supposed to know?
It's like a commercial for Kyle,
but you're not putting
a label on the jar.
Butters, this seems very
out of character for you.
That's because I've
been workin' on my brand.
My parents saw that my brand
wasn't working with people
so they sent me to brand management.
Brand management?
Hi, Mr. Davis.
Well, Butters Stotch. How
you doing there, Butters?
- How's the brand going?
- Great.
I made two new friends,
and a girl asked me
to help her with her homework.
Well, there ya go there, Butters.
My friend Kyle here was thinking
of reworking his brand a bit,
and I told him maybe you could help.
Oh, well, sure there, Kyle,
let's just get you to fill
out a CumHammer survey,
and then we'll go in the back
and come up with some options for ya.
Live from the
television studios in Toronto,
it's "Good Morning, Canada."
It has been several months now
since our beloved Queen has died.
All Canadians are
finding it hard to go on.
All Canadians, that is,
except for our first guests,
The Prince and his wife.
- We want privacy! We want privacy!
- We want privacy! We want privacy!
Thanks for having us on the show.
It's so awesome to be here. It's great.
So let me start with you, sir.
You lived a life with the royal family,
you had everything handed to you
but you say your life has been hard,
and you've written all aboot
it in your new book, "Waaagh."
Yes that's right, fwiend.
You see, my wife and I are
I was totally like,
"You should write a book
'cause you're family's, like, stupid,
and then so are, like, journalists."
So you hate journalists?
- That's right.
- And now you wrote a book
that reports on the
lives of the royal family.
- Right.
- So you're a journalist.
We just want to be normal people.
All this attention is so hard.
Isn't it true, sir, that
your questionable wife
has her own TV show and
hangs out with celebrities
and does fashion magazines?
What are you suggesting?
Well, I just think some people might say
that your Instagram-loving bitch wife
actually doesn't want her privacy.
How dare you, sir!
My Instagram-loving bitch wife
has always wanted her privacy!
And you know what else?
To hell with Canada.
We are leaving.
We'll go find some quiet place
where we can be normal people.
Come on, wife. We want privacy!
- We want privacy! We want privacy!
- We want privacy! We want privacy!
Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on ♪
It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪
Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on ♪
We want privacy! We want privacy!
It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪
- Come on, come on, come on ♪
- We want privacy! We want privacy!
'Cause we want some privacy ♪
It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪
Come on, come on, come on ♪
Because we need some privacy ♪
It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪
We want privacy! We want privacy!
The Worldwide Privacy Tour
is coming soon to your town ♪
We're coming soon to
your town, give us privacy ♪
We want privacy! We want privacy!
Come on, come on, come on ♪
It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪
Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on ♪
It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪
Come on, come on, come on ♪
'Cause we want some privacy ♪
It's the Worldwide Privacy Tour ♪
Come on, come on, come on ♪
Because we need some privacy ♪
Alright there, Kyle, we
got your survey answers,
and I think we've put together
some great ideas for your brand.
I understand you want
people to like you more
and think you're cool.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
Alright, well, let's see
how this brand works for you.
We got Kyle Rugged.
Vegan. Compassionate. Victim.
I I don't think that's really me.
Well, that's fine 'cause
there's a lot of different
brands people are attracted
to. How about this one?
Kyle Sensitive.
Outdoorsy. Frugal. Victim.
I'm not I'm not that outdoorsy.
Okay, well, remember there, Kyle,
it's not so much about who
you are as much as it is
about what people are
attracted to, okay?
So let's see, how about this?
Kyle Wealthy. Handsome.
Multi-talented Grammy
Award-Winning. Victim.
Oh, that that one's taken already.
Sorry. Hold on.
Just a minute, Kyle.
We're gonna find a
good one here for you.
You'll see, Kyle.
When you have your brand up and runnin',
no one can stop you.
Look at this town. There's
just something about it.
Oh, darling. I think
this might be the place.
You really think so?
It's so quiet and empty here.
If we moved here,
then people would think
we're really serious
about wanting to be normal.
It does seem perfect, doesn't it?
We can have a fresh start here.
Lead a normal life and have babies.
Can we? Can we really move here
and finally have our privacy?
My love, I will do
anything for your privacy.
The couch goes in the first room!
Ay, be careful with that TV, buddy!
Drum set goes on the second floor.
Wait. Put it down.
I want to make sure it isn't damaged.
What the hell?
♪♪
Hey! Hey, you!
Hey, what are you looking at?!
- You ever heard of privacy?!
- What?
You guys, I am so sorry.
I totally was going to
play with you guys online
but the Prince of Canada and his wife
moved in across the street from me.
They have this huge jet
parked in front of my house
and then they kept trying to
get me to buy their stupid book
and and, anyway, I'm sorry
I messed up another game night.
It's okay, dude, we had a great time.
Yeah, we are literally
dripping with drip.
Well, I just want you guys to know
that I am a reliable,
fun-loving, punctual victim.
'Kay, well, we gotta get to class.
I'm really working on myself!
You're gonna like what you see!
As a child, you
see the world in a different way.
You see the wonder in nature,
and you're starting to learn
more about yourself all the time.
And you're learning that
there's something more important
than you ever thought your brand.
It's what defines you.
And with brand management,
you can make sure
others see you the way
they want to see you.
Welcome to your CumHammer Work tutorial.
You are taking the first
steps to making your brand
a great one.
By now you've received your workbook
and also your brand slide tool
and CumHammer social-media drive
which will be used in this video.
Now, if you're ready,
let's start the exercises
on page five of your workbook.
Yeah!
- Respect our privacy!
- Leave us alone!
Leave us alone!
Down with the monarchy!
We just want our privacy!
God, [BLEEP] these people!
Why are we so mad today?
Because we want our privacy!
Park County Police Station.
What's your emergency?
Yeah, the neighbors across the
street are setting off fireworks
and it's 10:30 at night!
Oh, is it the Prince
of Canada and his wife,
- who just want to be left alone?
- Yes.
They're being super loud, and
I'm trying to work on my brand!
Oh, God damn it.
Now the prince is
playing polo on the lawn!
We are here because privacy
is a basic human right.
How many more princes and his wives
have to live in this nightmare?
- Hey, can you two [BLEEP] keep it down?!
- Oy!
You ever heard of a
thing called "privacy"?!
Yeah, nobody gives a shit.
Will you two just shut up, and go away?!
It seriously is driving me crazy!
The prince plays drums all day.
I don't think he even has a job.
And I don't know what the hell she does.
Why they even left Canada is beyond me.
And, like, she seems
to just boss him around,
and make him do whatever she wants.
I mean, why did they even leave Canada
and move to South Park, anyway?
- Stan, are you gonna say something?
- You say it.
- Say what?
- Look, Kyle
We just kinda don't care
about some dumb prince
and his stupid wife.
I don't care about them either!
So, then why do you talk
about them all the time?
Dude, we're just kind of
sick of hearing about them.
I'm sick of hearing about them!
But I can't get away from them!
They're everywhere! In my [BLEEP] face!
Yeah, and now you're putting
'em in our [BLEEP] face.
- Fine, I won't talk about them anymore.
- Thank you.
Okay, just one last thing
did you know the prince sleeps
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
The problem with you is you
want results without the work.
You can't just say
you're a certain thing,
and then expect people
to just like your brand.
You gotta work it, sell people on it.
But I just don't feel like my brand
is who I really am on the inside.
You know, Kyle, some people think
it's what's inside you that matters.
But people can't see inside you.
They can only see what kind
of drink you're drinking.
That's what matters.
I guess so.
Now, I'm gonna help
you with a new brand,
but you've got to work on it.
What do you want your
friends to think about you?
I want them to think I'm not
gonna complain about things,
I'm more thick-skinned.
Okay. This is good. This is good.
And I want people to think
I'm stronger, mentally,
than I probably am.
Okay. Okay. I think we got it.
People are gonna love this.
Kyle he's a
thick-skinned, super cool,
nothing bothers him victim.
I just don't know if I can
You're goin' off brand already!
Remember, no matter
what, nothing bothers you.
I don't care. Don't care.
- What the hell?
- What'd he just say?
He victimized me!
It's because I'm an ethnic woman!
He can't do that! I'll see
Wait, you're ethnic? This is an outrage!
We'll just see how he
deals with my blue penis!
Hey!
Have some respect for this privacy!
♪♪
♪♪
Don't worry, my love,
he's not gonna get away with this.
Hey, guys! How you doin?!
Good. How are you?
I'm great. Got some
good sleep last night.
Just letting' things roll
right off my back, you know?
'Cause that's the kind of guy I am.
Cool.
Hey, do you guys wanna
play Darktide after school?
Or if not, whatever.
I'm cool either way.
Yeah, I'm sure we can figure that out.
Cool. Whatever. I'm
care-free and unflappable.
I'll catch you guys at lunch!
Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.
- Do you like it?
- Uh, Sure.
Thanks, Jimmy.
But you know, I really
need to thank a good friend.
He introduced me to a way of
becoming a more stable person.
- Have you seen Butters?
- Butters? Oh, sure.
He's out on the playground,
getting the shit beat
out of him by Bebe.
What?
[BLEEP]
Don't ever say that shit again!
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell is going on?!
I wasn't even doing
anything, and he came up,
and started talking shit to me!
Yeah, everyone likes a guy
that's strong and assertive,
so I told Bebe to go [BLEEP] herself.
Who do you even think you are?!
You want some more of
this, you dumb slut?
Butters, what are you doing?
This isn't you.
Hey, Kyle, will you relax.
You're kind of [BLEEP] up my brand.
Okay, that does it come on, Butters.
You're going back to CumHammer.
You're lucky he saved your ass!
[BLEEP] you, you [BLEEP] bitch!
The most important thing about
your brand is being flexible.
We want to make sure
you're completely satisfied.
You say you're having some problems?
That's right!
There's this horrible spy
who lives across the street from us,
and we're gonna get him
back by changing our brand!
All right. And I do see
you're in our database,
but you didn't first get help
at this CumHammer location?
No.
My wife went to one in
California as a child.
Ah. Okay. Then you must be
in the national system.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this you?
"Sorority girl, Actress,
Influencer, Victim."
Yeah. That's totally me.
Okay. I see.
And then, you added your husband
to your Friends and Family account.
You must be the "Royal
prince, millionaire,
world traveler, victim."
That's right.
Come on, Butters. Hello?
Oh, hey there. Just gimme a minute.
I'm with some other clients
right now, there, Kyle.
Uh, no. This is an emergency.
We need to talk to
Oy! Do you mind! Stop invading
It's him!
What the hell are you doing here?
You just can't leave us alone, can you!
Oh, my God, he's so obsessed with us.
I'm not obsessed with you.
It's this stupid place!
Don't you see, Butters?
Teaching people to think of their brand
just makes more people like them.
This whole thing is wrong.
They're telling you guys to
reduce yourselves into products
instead of people to be
truly understood and loved.
Don't you guys want
people to like you for you
instead of who they want you to be?
Look, we all have our
faults. God knows I do.
But if we just try to present
and control an image of us
for people to see, then,
we're just performers
- instead of human beings.
- He's right.
Trying to make ourselves into a brand
just turned us into products.
We don't need to be a brand, do we?
If it's truly what we want,
then we really can get away from it all.
No more magazines and Netflix shows.
We really can live a normal life.
Yes, I'm sure you agree, darling.
We can be the people
we talked about being,
with no more worries about how we look
or the image we project to people.
What matters is what
we have on the inside.
Hello?
- Come on, Butters. Time to go home.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Now, hey.
Don't make a decision
you might all regret.
Yeah, come on, honey.
We don't need this place.
Honey?
The queen is dead.
What a sad day for Canada
and therefore, the world.
Ike, I need to use the
Oh no, not again.
She's still dead.
Ike, I have to get on the computer.
The Queen's been dead a long time.
Ike, I have to get on with my friends!
If I don't, they're gonna think I'm
It's okay. Things get to you.
It's who you are.
- Oh. Hey, guys.
- Hey, dude. Uh
We thought maybe you could
do with a little outside time.
Really?
We just thought it'd be good
to get you out of the house.
You seem to bee going
through a lot lately.
Yeah. Yeah, I have.
Thanks, guys. I'd love to play.
Oy! Oy! Could, uh
- Could I play?
- Sure. You can play.
Great!