South Park s26e03 Episode Script

1
I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
See, Stan? You gotta choose
if you wanna be in
Gryffindor or Slytherin.
Yeah, can I do it?
Yeah, see, you gotta
fight these fairy guys.
Randy.
[BEEPING CONTINUES]
Randy!
The powder room toilet is broken.
Again!
Did you jiggle the handle?
Yes, I jiggled the handle.
Will you come fix this, please?
Okay, okay.
[BEEPING CONTINUES]
Huh, well, let's see.
It's gotta be the little
black floaty thingie.
What'd you do to it?
I didn't do anything.
Lemme see if there's water in the bowl.
No! Don't lift the lid.
Why can't I lift the lid?
- Don't, Randy!
- Uh-huh.
Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit
and doesn't want me to see it.
- Ew!
- Gross, Dad!
Randy! We need to get a new toilet.
We can't just get rid
of ol' blue, Sharon.
This is embarrassing.
It's the powder room
toilet, the one guests use.
You get a new toilet, Randy,
or I'm not helping
you sell weed anymore!
Alright, alright. Sharon, you win.
As usual.
Poor ol' Blue.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Can I help you with anything?
Oh, yeah, just lookin' for a
new toilet to replace Ol' Blue.
Alright, well, all our
toilets here are standard bowl,
come with full warranty.
How much you looking to spend?
Well I'm not poor.
I happen to have my own weed business.
So that's pretty much the
nicest one you have, right?
Yeah, that's probably
the top model, you know,
before you start getting
into the Japanese toilets.
Japanese toilets?
Yeah, they're the sort
of the super-high-class
luxury models with all
the bells and whistles.
But you probably don't wanna
spend that kind of money.
I'm not poor.
Oh, well, we can show them to you.
The Japanese toilets
are right over there.
Hi, Rick. This gentleman
would like to see the Japanese toilets.
Well, of course, sir. My name is Rick.
Let me know if there's
anything you need.
These toilets are all equipped
with the highest-end features,
including an automatic bidet system,
bluetooth capability, and seat warmers.
Seat warmers?
Of course.
And the toilet senses when
you've come into the room,
turns on a small light,
plays welcome music,
and raises the lid for you.
Can I offer you some sparkling
water or champagne?
Oh, sure, I'll take some champagne.
All the toilet's functions are operated
by a touch-button
remote which you mount
where the toilet-paper roll used to go.
So then where do you
keep the toilet paper?
With a Japanese toilet,
you don't need toilet paper.
The toilet washes you completely clean.
You're mad.
No, it's true.
It has warm water and a dryer
and cleans you eight times
better than toilet paper can.
Would you like to take
one for a test drive?
Oh, uh, sure.
I did have kind of a big breakfast.
Right over here.
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, yeah ♪
I, I, I ♪
Oh.
Oh, yeah ♪
Ooh. Oh, oh! Oh.
Ahhh!
Oh, oh! [CHUCKLES]
[FARTS]
[FARTS]
[BUTTON BEEPS, WATER RUNNING]
Ohh! Oh.
[BUTTON BEEPS, TOILET FLUSHES]
Okay, how much?
Guys, I wanted to talk to
you because I want you all
to think about how
we're viewed as a family.
You know, as a prominent weed
dealer, we are successful,
and we're sort of
looked up to in this town
because we have nice things
that most families can't afford.
I mean, Stan, you're
playing "Hogwarts Legacy"
on PS5, right?
You're playing
"Hogwarts Legacy" on a PS5.
Yeah, my my point is
that most people in town
don't even have a PS5.
They still have PS4s,
and so we're basically
the Kennedys of South Park.
And the plain fact is
that well-off families
have nice things,
and we shouldn't be ashamed of that.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, new toilet's here.
Hajimemashite. Japanese Torei des!
Uh, yes, thank you. Bring it on in.
Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori!
Kyo fun yori! Kro fun
yori! Kro fun yori!
That's the new toilet?
How much did it cost?
Oh, Sharon. Tennish.
What's tennish?
Tennish.
Thousandish. Ten thousandish.
You spent $10,000 on a toilet?!
We don't have that kind of money, Randy!
Yeah, we do.
Shitsurei Shimasu! Owarimashita.
Okay, yeah, right here? Okay.
[BOOTS CLOMPING]
Doomo! Aringanto gozaimashita!
TOGETHER: Aringato gozaimashita!
K, thanks.
You are taking that back to the store.
Try it, Sharon.
I don't need to, Randy. I want
Try it, Sharon!
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS]
[BUTTON BEEPS]
Oh, yeah ♪
Oh. Oh.
I, I, I ♪
Oh! Ohh!
Ah-ha-ha!
I wanna try it.
Shhh!
Ah-ho-ho!
Ohh!
[BELL RINGS]
Oh, look, there he goes.
It's Mr. Big Shot.
Hey, Richie Rich. You eating caviar
for lunch today, Richie Rich?
Stan, just so you know,
nobody gives a shit.
About what?
Come on, guys!
Did you know some people can't
even afford to eat?
How about caring for something
that matters, you bitch?
What the fuck?
Hey, Stan, you really
have to be careful.
Of what?
Look, it's great that you
come from a wealthy family,
but people don't like getting
their noses rubbed in it.
Dude, I haven't even said anything!
Well, your dad called
everyone last night
and told them you have a $10,000 toilet.
What?!
Well, thanks for having
us over for brunch, Randy.
Yeah, what's the special occasion?
Oh, you know, just good
times with dear friends.
Does anyone need to go to the bathroom?
Uh, no, I'm I'm good.
Oh, maybe some more coffee, then.
Can you guys believe all
the snow we've gotten?
Yeah, maybe it will actually
help with the drought.
Let's hope so.
Does anyone need a bathroom break?
Well, actually, I-I think
I could use the restroom.
That was kind of a big breakfast.
Oh! Oh, yeah, sure! It's, uh
It's right across the hallway.
Right there.
Excuse me.
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS]
BUTTERS' DAD: Oh.
What was that?
Oh, that's the welcome
music for my Japanese toilet.
I've heard of those.
Aren't they expensive?
Yeah, a bit.
But for those of us who can afford it,
it's well worth it.
Oh! Ohhh!
Ohhhh!
He's now turned on the rear jet,
which cleans your
bottom with warm water.
Oh. Ohhh!
Ah! That's the front washer
that washes your balls, or vagina.
[FARTS]
If you think about it, a
dry piece of toilet paper
can't clean you half as
well as pressurized water.
I feel bad that most
people have to walk around
with fecal matter on their anus,
but I'm just lucky
I've sold enough weed to be able not to.
But was it really luck?
Or was it hard work?
Heck, I don't know, but you know
Dad, can I talk to you?!
Stan? You're back from school already?
I need to talk to you right now!
The fuck are you doing?!
Fuck are you doing?
You need to stop gloating to everybody!
I am not gloating.
Yes, you are, and now kids at school
are calling me Richie Rich!
They are?
Nobody cares about your stupid toilet
- and you're acting like a jerk.
- You're stupid.
I'm acting like a jerk
because I'm trying to help people?!
How are you trying to help people, Dad?
Because the people don't
know that these toilets are awesome,
and I'm just, like,
the well-respected guy
who's trying to open
people's eyes like JFK.
You are not like JFK!
You're just showing off!
Nu-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause
I am trying to change things!
You're part of a very
respected family, Stan.
You should start acting like it.
Okay, who's next?
[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, yeah ♪
I, I, I ♪
Atashi wa Heia des-u ♪
Toire ni iru kara ♪
- Randy?
- Kimochi I I ♪
- Randy!
- What?!
Your proctologist is here to see you.
My proctologist?
Oh, hey there, Doc.
Well, Randy Marsh, how are ya?
I'm doing great. How are you?
Wonderful! Just been super busy.
I'm actually takin' the wife
to Tuscany day after tomorrow.
Tuscany? Wow. Awesome.
Yeah, well, Randy you
haven't been in my office
for a few days, so I thought I'd come
do a house call to help
you with your hemorrhoids.
Oh! No, Doctor.
I haven't needed
to come to your office.
In fact, I don't think I'll be
needing your services anymore
since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.
Oh Oh, really?
It's completely changed my life.
I'm healthier, I'm less stressed,
and I don't get hemorrhoids
'cause I'm not smearing shit
all over my ass with toilet paper.
Huh.
Here, here. You wanna come see it?!
Go on, check it out.
[BEEP, CHIME]
[WHIRRING]
[DOCTOR SHOUTING, BANGING ON TOILET]
D-Dr. Sheltair?
[SHOUTING AND BANGING CONTINUES]
Dr. Sheltair?!
You stupid!
You ruined Tuscany! Gah!
- Stop it!
- I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you!
Go on! Get out of here!
How am I supposed to tell my wife
we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?!
I never realized you made
so much money off my ass.
Go on. Get.
Get!
[BELL RINGS]
[MURMURING]
Hey, Stan! Stan hold up!
What?
Well, um, you're just a
really good friend, Stan,
and and I was gonna ask if maybe
I could borrow your plungercost?
What's a plungercost?
It doesn't cost nothing when your
toilet's nice as yours, Richie Rich!
[LAUGHTER]
I did it! I called
Stan Richie Rich, too!
That was fun!
Stan, you've got to stop
bragging about your toilet.
I'm not bragging about my toilet!
And why is it such a big deal anyway?
It's a big deal, Stan. You
just don't understand why.
Have you ever asked yourself
why we use toilet paper?
We're told to wash our
hands wear masks in crowds
but for some reason, when
it comes to wiping our ass,
we're told to do it with
this little piece of paper.
We are all all of us
Walking around right now
with a little bit of shit
smeared on our buttholes.
Did you know that 70%
of people in the world
don't even use it at all?
70% of the world
doesn't use toilet paper?
Look it up.
Most people in the world still
use good ol' soap and water.
The average American uses 140 rolls
of toilet paper per year.
Can you even begin to imagine
how many trees that is?
To supply the United
States its toilet paper,
it takes 31.1 million trees per year.
A million acres per year of precious
Canadian Boreal forest alone,
releasing upwards of
25 metric tons of CO2
and leveling 90% of the land barren.
So, then, why do
Americans use it so much?
Well, that's the big question, isn't it?
None of it makes any sense.
- Well, then, maybe somebody
- Just tell your dad to stop.
Americans don't want
to change their toilets
and they never will.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a public service announcement.
One of our citizens has
asked to speak with you.
Please welcome Mr. Randy S. Marsh.
Thank you, Mayor. Thank you, everyone.
You know, the Marshes are
a family that try to always
lead by example.
And we know that all
of you appreciate that.
Everyone deserves to be clean,
and the truth is, you can be.
You might not be the Marshes,
but you can afford a Japanese toilet.
Just not a really nice
one like what we have.
If you take into account the money
we all spend on toilet paper,
doctors, and hemorrhoid cream,
a Japanese toilet pays for
itself in just a few years.
There are actually Japanese
toilets made for commoners.
Walmart and Amazon all carry the lower
cost of shitty Japanese
toilets that anyone can afford.
There's even these
like attachment thingies
for your existing toilet
which will make you feel
like a Marsh yourself.
They may not be Nihon No style-ru,
but they are good enough for you guys.
The point is even commoners
don't need toilet paper anymore!
And, so, I am suggesting
that this town puts all
[GUNSHOT]
MAN: Holy shit!
Randy?! Wah!
[SCREAMING]
I'm sorry, but he's
in critical condition.
Who shot him?
Nobody knows.
Is he gonna be okay?
He's in a coma.
He's unconscious and
just blabbering nonsense.
Bikkuri Bikkurishita
Taiehn deshou
Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here.
Your wife, your daughter, and your son.
T-Toire Wa?
No, your toilet is back at the farm.
Taihen ja naaaa
Dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
I didn't know you were
really trying to help.
Kon-nichi waaa
- Stan, where are you going?
- I let dad down once.
Somebody has to pick
up where he left off.
I promise we're doing all we can.
I'm sorry for what happened,
but you need to leave
it to the professionals.
There's something more going on here.
I think my dad was on to something and I
didn't listen to him, and
now he's in a hospital.
We've already got a few leads
and we're following up on all of them.
I assure you we take
this all very seriously.
This isn't a joke to us.
- Chief, hey, Chief!
- Yeah?
An angry proctologist walked in
to the toilet section of Home Depot.
[CHUCKLES] Y-Yeah?
Proctologist says to the toilet manager,
"I ain't taking the
fall," and pulls a gun
on six Japanese delivery men.
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
So, then, the six Japanese
delivery men show up,
and the proctologist
has everyone held hostage
and says he's not taking the fall
for the Randy Marsh shooting.
Oh, shit, this is actually happening?!
Come on, people, let's go!
[RADIO CHATTER, SIREN CHIRPS]
I ain't going down for this!
You got that, coppers?!
I didn't shoot anybody!
But if I'm going down,
I'll take these careless
bastards out with me!
Would you like some
sparkling water or champagne
Get Get outta here!
Come on out.
There's no other way,
we have you surrounded.
I didn't shoot Randy Marsh!
- Taihen!
- Nobody's saying you did!
No, but they're gonna
use me as their scapegoat!
They'll fix things like they always do!
- Who will?
- They'll use their lawyers
and their power to make it all go away!
Just like they did back
when that 2nd grade kid
wrote a story in the
school paper about toilets
two years ago!
They'll take me out, too!
[COCKS GUN] There's no stopping them!
Don't do it!
[GUNSHOT]
Sabishiiiii!
Aww! Alright move in!
Secure the area.
2nd grade kid two years ago
Wrote about toilets in
the school news paper.
You weren't warning me
about people getting upset.
You know more about this.
Hey!
You wrote a story in the school paper
and someone came after you!
Yeah I wrote a story, big deal!
Jimmy, I want to know who shot my dad!
They took everything from me, Stan.
My bike my cat
They were gonna sue my parents
for what I wrote in the school paper.
You're talking about
the toilet paper companies.
Who has the most to lose?
It's all toilet paper, Stan!
Follow the money! 140
rolls per American per year.
Factories pushing out roll after roll
while razing Earth's resources.
All of this for an unsanitary product
that has been proven to
contribute to anal fissures.
Don't you get it, man?
Paper doesn't clean bacteria.
It can't stop viruses.
With all that information,
you'd think the world
health organization
would do studies to find alternatives.
So why don't they?
Because toilet paper
is an industry worth
billions and b-billions of dollars.
Kimberly-Clark, Georgia-Pacific,
Procter & Gamble.
They don't want Japanese
toilets in America
and they have the power to stop them,
and to stop you.
I can't believe they shot my dad
because he wanted to change things.
These people have deeper pockets
than you can possibly imagine.
They can destroy
everything you love, Stan.
Take my advice
Don't. Squeeze. The Charmin.
You might be too scared
Jimmy, but I'm a Marsh.
My fellow Americans
we have been coerced and brain washed.
While the rest of the world walks around
with cleaner buttholes, we
are obsessed with dry paper
sold to us by billion-dollar
corporations.
- Yeah.
- Hey, yeah, he's right!
My father wanted everyone to
see that there were alternatives.
But they don't want him
talking about alternatives!
Yeah!
And we can't be blindly
buying their products anymore.
And as a town, we
will find alternatives,
and we will not be afraid to
Stop! Stop! We're not doing this!
- Dad!
- Everyone just stop,
we're not doing this.
Thank you. South Park, uh,
we-we're cutting this short.
I was totally wrong
and I want to apologize.
No, dad, it's the toilet paper companies
- that are behind all the
- Yeah, I know.
Yeah, so, uh, w-we have
nothing against toilet paper.
It's a great product and, uh,
it was childish of me to make fun of it.
Thanks, though. We'll see ya later.
Dad, we can't just back down.
Bro! I got fucking shot!
Japanese toilets are
totally unnecessary,
and, uh, in case anyone
else is listening,
I think all of South Park
would like to apologize.
We retract what we said
about toilet paper companies.
They They have done nothing
but help us, and we are sorry.
South Park everyone
Say you're sorry.
ALL: We're sorry.
Okay, great. Come on,
guys, let's go home.
What about helping people
and leading by example?
We're not the Goddamn Kennedys, Stan.
Stop being an idiot.
Nice to have you back, Ol' Blue.
You know, guys, I'm
actually not that sad.
Having a Japanese
toilet was great, but
I've come to realize that,
when you have some
big, nice luxury thing,
it eventually just becomes normal.
But you start comparing
it to all the other things
in your life which suddenly
feel you have to upgrade, too.
So, it's really best to just
stick with the beat-up,
crappy old things we have.
Love you forever, Honey.