Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s26e05 Episode Script

Miss Davenport is starting this poetry group, Howard.
I can't join a poetry group! I'm a man of action.
At least we could be seen together.
You wouldn't have to hide in the bushes.
Good morning, Marina.
Good morning, Howard.
Cor, I'm passing through a sandstorm here.
Listen, old queen of the desert, do you think you could stop sweeping while I get to my home? Oh, well, get a move on.
Don't be all day.
What are you looking at? Your stockings are coming down.
They're not coming down.
Anyway, it's none of your business if they were.
But they're not coming down! Then your legs must be running up.
This professor looked like Smiler? Could be twins.
There he was on TV, brilliant mind, but a face as miserable as his.
Apart from exaggerating, what are you saying? I'm saying that behind Smiler's miserable mug there could be a giant brain.
I'll go as far as "could be a brain.
" That's looking on the bright side.
Are you saying Smiler could be an intellectual? Ask him.
What about it, Smiler? Could I still use my bus pass? Teddy Micklethwaite was great at that.
Great at what? Being a statue.
Was it terribly useful, do you think? Well, it's not bad when you're queuing at the post office.
It's not fast enough for me.
I want to be an astronaut.
They've already sent mice up.
They're looking for something bigger now.
Why would Teddy Micklethwaite want to be a statue? It wasn't full time.
He only did it for amusement.
Amusement? Being a statue is fun? This guy doesn't look like it's fun.
Or maybe Teddy Micklethwaite liked having a pigeon on his head.
The fun was in the reactions of people when they see you.
He used to challenge anybody to tell if he was alive.
He sounds like the lawyer who handled my divorce.
I like a challenge! Tha lives next door to Nora Batty, how much more does tha need? I need to live on the edge.
I'm in search of adventure.
Tha's too small for adventure.
He's in search of a small adventure.
Napoleon was small.
Stalin was practically a midget.
On behalf of tall people everywhere, would somebody tread on Alvin? And get him all over your shoe? Eugh! I don't think so.
I was on the borderline of minimum height for a lino salesmen.
But I had a well-connected relative who pulled certain strings.
(Are you there, Cleggy? It's only me.
) (Get a shifty on before the dragon wakes!) There you are.
I was worried about you.
It gets worse.
I've got a message for you from the dragon.
Is Cleggy in? No, he's not.
I said I'd clean up for him for a bit while he's out.
Oh, I think that's nice.
That's really neighbourly! Don't overdo it, you're still in trouble.
No, I mean it.
It shows that you're essentially a decent person, helping a lonely widower.
I'm glad you feel like that.
Come in, roll your sleeves up, and help me help a lonely widower! I was hoping to go bird-watching.
You can watch a feather duster! It's not the same, is it? Oh, don't worry - I'll go, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!" (Tweet, tweet, tweet.
) QUACK! I bet our kid could do this.
Your kid? Robin Hood.
I bet when you're an outlaw you have to keep still for hours.
Which is why they all joined, of course.
Let's run off to the greenwood and keep still for hours! I can see your lips moving.
Not me, I'm inscrutable! Even your cramp could get cramp.
You see, it's not as easy as you thought! That's just what we thought when we were carrying my bride over the threshold.
We? The best man had to earn his keep! Quiet, there's somebody coming! I say, excuse me.
Don't be alarmed, madam, at these strange figures.
The natives display them when the moon is in a certain quarter.
Whatever for? Their origins are lost in the mists of time.
We think that they're probably fertility figures, supposed to encourage a good harvest.
How fascinating! They look very realistic.
Ugly, but realistic.
Fine examples of local native craftsmanship.
And how long do they remain here? Till Michaelmas Eve.
When the maidens come out to dance and strew everything with flowers.
It is a really good strew.
I expect that's how the space project began - some deep thinker staring through a window.
I'm going to have to get bigger underpants! Don't apologise for putting on a bit of weight, Barry.
Where does it all go to, Glenda? It all goes into bigger underpants.
I mean the time.
When you're young you think you're always going to be happy with your fancy underpants.
Even if they are killing you.
They were never that fancy, Barry.
Those red ones were.
Those were mine! I mean the ones with the Ferrari logo.
I thought it was a pram.
Why would anyone wear a pram on their racy underpants? As a reminder of the dangers of racy underpants.
Amazingly well conceived.
You can see what he means about being ugly.
I suppose it's pagan in origin.
Oh, absolutely.
And my guess would be this is Pan.
And who could this one be? Wearing a trilby? Trudy of the Yard, madam.
I'm thinking of presenting him as more of a serious intellectual type.
Truly saw this brainbox on TV who looked just like Smiler.
I've heard of reality TV but that's pushing it.
It means looks aren't everything.
I've always believed that.
You don't want people just looking, you want them spending.
Do you think I could pass him off as an intellectual? I don't see why not.
They're barmy enough to be anybody.
It's worth a shot.
I dare say it can be done, if you let me handle his new wardrobe.
He'll need a good tweed jacket and a pipe, some horn-rimmed glasses, a piano.
A piano? He needn't carry it with him.
Just showing he's got one will do wonders for his image.
Looked straight at me, "I bet he's the god, Pan.
" he said.
He meant frying pan! Face like a frying pan! Have a care, skinny mortal, or I might just un-fertilise you! Tha's too late, the missus took care of that.
Yours too? They must know the same spells! They do! It's true.
I've only to turn my back and he disappears.
Well, a man gets drawn towards the wide open spaces.
And that's just her mouth.
No idea what she means.
It's no good pleading innocence when you're that colour, Howard.
I used to arrest people on sight if they turned that colour.
You may mistrust me if you wish but I shall get my binoculars and go bird-watching.
I'll come with you.
Oh.
I mean, not that you're not very welcome, it's just that you don't usually go, on account of all the rough ground and the hardships.
Thorns and nettles.
Snakes.
Don't forget the alligators! Killer squid.
Blood-sucking insects.
And ice-cream salesmen.
The midges are terrible.
But, of course, if you'd like to come I'd be delighted.
He wants to become an intellectual? Is he prepared for the hours of study? Oh, he's ready.
Go on, tell the lady you're ready.
It's his idea.
But it's for his benefit.
He's done dumb and it's got him nowhere.
Well, what do intellectuals do? They don't DO anything.
They just talk.
Oh, and you'll need a bit of Latin.
Not the lot, just a few quotes.
Latin? I'll get it wrong.
Well, who's going to notice? All the Romans are dead! What kind of things does he read? Oh, everything.
Anything that's on the table.
Cornflake cartons, sauce bottle labels.
He can even pronounce linguine.
Go on, show the lady.
Pronounce linguine.
Linguine.
You see, Italian even.
No problem.
A second language is always a help.
I suppose I could point him towards a few books.
Nothing too heavy for starters.
He's a fast learner, great memory.
He knows the name of every person who lived on Mason Street when he were a lad.
Go on, tell her.
All right.
There was a Mrs Lacey at number 26.
Next door to her were the Hendersons.
He was Frank and she was Phyllis.
And they had this daughter, Mavis, who had a bad leg.
You see, even the bad leg.
Right, where does he start? Well, the first thing is to get him out of Mason Street.
What are his interests? Well, go on.
Tell the lady.
What are your interests? Can we have a word? Excuse us.
Always wanting a chat.
You know what they're like, these intellectuals.
You never told me it was going to be so hard.
What? Becoming brainy.
What's hard about it? You haven't even started yet.
So how come I'm getting all these tricky questions? Just tell the lady what subjects you're interested in.
See what I mean? Tricky.
Barry? You don't have to hide in your own house, Barry.
It's Mr Teasdale.
He keeps walking past so we can wave to each other.
He's just glad he's found a friend.
It won't hurt you to give a wave.
I waved three times! Sh! Don't let him see you.
If he thinks we've gone out he might go away.
Oh, Barry! It's nice you've made a friend.
Here he comes! Oh! Barry! You're going the right way to make another friend.
You'd think they'd have more to do then start poetry societies.
I wonder who's doing the catering.
Well, I don't see poets as big eaters.
You want to try the rugby club.
Ooh, keep away from rugby players.
They think they're always allowed to use their hands.
I know who did use to like rugby players.
Of course, she wouldn't admit it now.
You'd think she'd always been hard-faced and miserable.
Her from Denby Street? No! I never knew she had any sporting interests.
Which one in Denby Street? I never knew there was more than one in Denby Street.
It must have been the fluoride in the water in Denby Street.
There you go, look.
She's still following me.
She was here first, you dimwit! See how crafty she is? The best thing to do is ignore him.
The next best is to flatten him with something.
You're looking well, ladies.
And we'll have less flannel from you! I love it here, the atmosphere.
It's just like being at home.
I think we ought to sit down.
I think we've caught them about to sink their teeth into somebody scandalous.
Always fancied one of those until I found they're very high-maintenance.
Ugly's cheaper.
Oh, well.
I got that bit right.
I married for love.
I just got the wrong address.
I don't think I was even consulted.
Marriage just, sort of, happened.
Of course, there weren't the same opportunities for self-service that they have these days.
So how many rugby fans were there in Denby Street? How come I'm the one stuck out here? We drew lots.
I never saw you drawing lots.
Well, it didn't seem right doing it in front of you, since we knew you were going to lose.
What are you moaning for? Descended from outdoors, born for the great outdoors This isn't the greenwood, you know.
It's too draughty for t'greenwood.
You turn blue, you can be a bluebell! Make a change from Tinkerbell.
Look! It's our extra-marital relation.
If that's romance, I think its wheel's come off.
As well as electrical, does he know I'm available for romantic advice? Eh, up, Howard.
Bird-watching without a partner? And we all thought you were lying.
I was lying.
No, I don't mean lying.
Well, you know what I mean.
Lying.
It's just that I was expecting a pupil.
Someone who wanted to benefit from my expertise.
You learn not to mention these things because people misunderstand.
Yes, people have this terrible habit of suspecting the truth.
You look like a man who needs a drink.
Aye, well, shove your bike on board.
Come on.
Tha'll enjoy the next bit.
It's freezing! Why do you want to be more dizzy than usual? You're dizzy enough for normal purposes.
I don't want to be dizzy.
The idea is to go through this and not be dizzy.
I'm training to be an astronaut.
Why do you want to be an astronaut? I'm going to lie about my age.
That's it.
I'm not going to stand here spinning you all day.
You weren't trying! Oh, and how are you going to walk that river wall? I'm going to master this and that river wall.
Oh, well.
As long as it's for a good cause.
How do you feel about dead bodies? I feel you're winning whenever they're not your own.
Nobody can have a serious conversation with you.
They can.
Me and the wife often have one.
Then she goes home to her mother's.
If you'd like to try with me, I promise I won't go home for a week to my mother's.
Go on, then.
Do you think we'd be ready for it, if somebody reported a murder? If it's not messy.
If they were laid out nicely in bed, I think I'd be ready for it.
You can't pick and choose.
That's the snag with this job, you're expected to walk into all sorts of situations.
Makes you feel proud, doesn't it? Only us preventing a collapse into chaos.
Only us? PC Hayman's off sick.
Colby's on a course.
There's her on the switchboard.
If that's a comfort to you, hang on to it.
Do you think we ought to investigate? What are we going to charge 'em with, being upside down? Suppose those were bodies in the back? Suppose they were dead? It's still no offence to be upside down.
It's good to have someone with your experience.
Stops me rushing in, making a fool of myself.
What's she packed you for lunch? Nothing.
She's gone to her mother's.
What's yours packed for you? Nothing.
She's gone to her mother's too.
Didn't you do yourself anything? There were only cat food in the fridge.
Get a dog! You can't live off cat food.
That's a moon-like surface.
LADDER RATTLES What was that? It's that fool next door.
What's he doing? He's practising being dizzy.
He had to practise? I thought it came naturally.
He's training for extra dizzy.
He wants to be an astronaut.
As you do.
How does he make himself dizzy? He doesn't.
He gets me to making him dizzy.
I didn't know that you had that effect on men.
I spin him round in a chair.
Bit painful for you, isn't it? Whoa! Sounds like it's worth the effort! Sounds like dizzy is working.
Do you think he'll be all right? I don't think he'll ever be all right.
What is he going to do with this dizzy? He's planning to walk the river wall to test himself.
Well that's dizzy, for a start.
LADDER RATTLES Ow! Are you all right? Of course I'm all right.
You can see I'm all right.
You don't think I can handle astronaut training? I'd like to know why she's at this poetry group.
Why this sudden interest in poetry? I can understand it, when you look at the alternative the lass has got.
What alternative? Thee! That's enough to drive anybody to a poetry group.
Pay no attention, Howard.
Billy ought to be more sympathetic towards poetry.
After all, Robin Hood used to write poetry.
Never! Mm, famous for it.
Not to mention his reputation for interior design and soft furnishings.
You'd better wash your mouth out.
They all wore tights, but Robin Hood single-handedly invented designer labels.
And his own shampoo.
They all suffered badly from split ends in the Greenwood.
On account of certain filthy habits they picked up from the Normans.
Who imposed a tax on being clean and a customs duty on imported pyjamas.
A few minutes ago there was only him who'd lost his faith in things.
Now there's me! I just think it's very suspicious, this sudden interest in poetry.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall at that poetry group.
That could be arranged, Howard.
Are you ready? Yes.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's lovely to see so many of you again this week.
Room for more, Miss Davenport? Oh, Mr Truelove.
Yes, do come in.
And bring your friends.
And can we bring, um It's for this orphan child's birthday.
How sweet.
We daren't leave it outside.
No, no, of course not.
We'll just stand him there, OK? Now, ladies and gentlemen, for our first contribution, Marina is going to speak her own composition.
What Is Love? I, er, I am assuming that the question is purely rhetorical? Come again? In my opinion, any answer would be at best ambiguous, if not misleading.
He always says that.
I love the way he expresses himself! Perhaps you'd like to share with us your own thoughts on the subject? I think Marina was well advised to begin with that question.
You're welcome! If we wish to discuss love We do, we do! Then we need to be certain of our definition.
And not to become trapped in a morass of misperception.
Right.
No morass.
I'd love to discuss this further, in private! So would I.
Keep still! How can you keep still? Is there a part for the physical in a relationship that's mainly intellectual? I, er, I think, below the mind, the flesh always asserts itself.
It does! It asserts itself.
Yes, I think we have to accept that the two are insepara-bubble.
I accept.
I accept! Marina! Get yourself home, Howard! Where did 50 years go? Don't ask me, I wasn't looking.
Well that's it, you see.
We just weren't looking.
I find time goes slowly enough if you're waiting for a bus.
I'm surprised I've lived this long.
I'm surprised God hasn't said, "Where's Alvin?" And don't be surprised if you didn't get the answer, "Alvin who?" I intend to make myself noticed.
We've noticed.
Ready to go then, are you, Alvin? Well, not right this minute.
It's still playtime.
I'll wait till the bell goes.
I'll drink to that.
Not here.
All right, let's go somewhere we can drink to that.
I'll drink to that.
All right, then.
But if we hear a deep voice saying, "Where's Alvin?" I suggest we duck.
There was a Mrs Lacey at number 26.
Next door to her were the Hendersons.
He was Frank and she was Phyllis.
And they had this daughter, Mavis, who had a bad leg.
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