Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s26e06 Episode Script

AGGRESSIVE GIBBERISH Aaaahh! Did you think I was in trouble, lass? I did.
And you ARE! Hello! HE BLOWS WHISTLE Hey! I can see you're in a hurry to get them before they go.
Well, if you had any really old police mementoes, I might be interested.
Badges, truncheonshandcuffs.
Wait here.
Belonged to Jack the Ripper.
They never caught him! But they would have had him if his boot hadn't come off.
If he moved as nimbly as you, no wonder they never caught him! I'm not sure this was a good idea.
We could take a short cut.
What short cut? There's the road we came on and that's all.
Trust me.
This is my back yard, tha' knows.
Outlaw country.
You could get lost in a phone booth.
Mind you, for short cuts we SHOULD listen to Alvin.
If anybody knows "short", it's Alvin.
Just shut up a minute.
I'm trying to save your legs and you've got more to save than most.
Instead of riding all that way back by road, why don't we go OFF road? Straight down there.
Ah, yes, well, thank you for the offer, Alvin.
I mean, what's insanity for unless you can share it with your friends? It's downhill all the way.
No pedalling necessary.
It's not a bad idea.
What would you call "a bad idea"? Having to live with the wife and her sister.
I'm outnumbered, outvoted, outgunned.
It's like the Sheriff of Nottingham was twins.
Maybe he was.
History sometimes gets things wrong.
Who now remembers that Dracula was a Yorkshireman? Dracula a Yorkshireman? Hmm.
His full name was Draculathwaite.
Enoch Josiah Draculathwaite.
I bet he was related to Auntie Wainwright.
She goes for your wallet, not your throat.
During the day.
But who knows what she gets up to at night? Wear a bit of garlic and you'll be all right.
Well, what are we waiting for? Are we going to commit suicide or aren't we? You know me.
I laugh at danger! And this looks hilarious.
Way-hey! Park it here.
Have you seen these double yellow lines? Yes.
Very pretty.
You have to applaud these attempts at brightening things up.
Leave it here.
We shan't be a minute.
Oh, how I wish this car wasn't so big.
She's not big.
It's just that all the other cars are small.
I'm going to have to let her go.
You can't let her go! You've only just got together.
She is going to be your love boat.
She is the magnet for the ladies.
What ladies? What about Mrs Micklethwaite? I gave her a lift to the chip shop.
It's a start.
Who knows where it could lead? It led to the launderette and the off-licence.
Hey up, look at that.
You've just pulled another.
Oh.
How come you never take me out? I take you out.
When? You take that wheely bin out more than you take me.
I can close the lid on the wheely bin.
Said he to his loved one, only joking! If I wore a skirt up to me earrings, would that help? I won't have my wife parading about in a short skirt.
So, er how did this Draculathwaite get this reputation for drawing blood then? I told you.
He was related to Auntie Wainwright.
He ran a bicycle repair shop.
EJ Draculathwaite.
Inner tubes invisibly mended.
He was agent for Stokes' Bespoke Spokes.
Never catch on.
Needs to be snappier.
He went for everybody's throats.
How much snappier do you want? Right, steady as she goes.
What were you doing, Norman? I estimate about 90 miles an hour.
Draculathwaite? Mmm.
He was one of the earliest virtuosos of the bicycle pump.
He could make it suck as well as blow.
He was in great demand for drawing people's boils.
And he was doing wonderful things with acne until the medical profession became jealous and, er Well, they spread this rumour about his teeth.
You see what happens when you go out? Do you take your wife out? Would this be daylight or after dark? Well, what difference does it make? With some wives, big difference.
If she's that bad, why did you marry her? For money.
She's got money? No.
But I need some excuse.
Remember? I remember legs, Barry.
I've got a pair.
The shorts.
Do you remember when we wore them? We? I must admit they look big enough for both of us.
It was when we went camping.
It was great.
D'you remember? It was economical.
I remember that was the main attraction.
It was exciting.
Adventurous.
Outdoors living.
We really enjoyed it.
You don't think nowadays we're built more for a nice hotel with room service? I suppose they are a bit big.
Your mother made me get this size.
She made me send the other pair back.
She wouldn't let you go with me if I wore skimpy shorts.
You know what they were like about "things" before marriage in those days.
Mmm.
We'd been married two years then.
He thinks he can't afford it.
I keep hearing it guzzling petrol.
I wouldn't mind, but it smacks its lips.
Don't listen! Consider the advantages.
Has he thought of converting it into a football stadium? Don't upset him.
It's a crossroads in his life.
Four choices? Ooh! He'll never make it.
He's only got one choice really.
Does he want to go from being Mr Mean Machine with the smooth white limousine to being just somebody who pushes your handcart? I do.
I really do.
Wrong answer.
You're giving up your chance at the fast lane.
Is he available for weddings? I'm not sure he was available for his own.
I enjoyed my wedding.
I met some nice people.
I was sorry when we had to leave.
Picture this.
I can just see a young bride looking radiant and proud riding in the back of this luxurious wedding thing.
I can just see another traffic warden with her foot on the wheel.
Listen to Auntie Wainwright.
She's about to make you an offer.
Not a good one but Oh.
You know what went wrong with your off-road by bicycle? I know what went wrong with MY off-road by bicycle.
It was a challenge.
We did it.
I think we ought to be proud.
We ARE proud.
We laughed at danger.
You were laughing at MINE! Only the point when you skidded into that wall.
I thought to meself, there goes Cleggyowt for a laugh.
What's it coming to if you can't have a laugh when a bloke hits a wall? Excuse me When you've finished babbling, could I ask you to think "studded tyres"? Repeat after me.
Studded tyres.
ALL: Studded tyres.
No, no, no.
Louder! Let's have some enthusiasm.
More spirit.
ALL: Studded tyres! That's it! That's my team! Follow me anywhere.
Nowlook.
What do off-road vehicles have? Bad drivers.
I thought that was BMWs.
They have off-road wheels.
Tyres with grip.
Gives you more control.
That's where you went wrong.
No.
Where we went wrong is not putting the chocks under Alvin's bike.
Who didn't put the chock under the wheel? He could have said goodbye.
Do you think we're ready? For what? For whatever fate decides to throw at us.
Murdersriotsdisasters.
If it happens round here there's only us, you know.
Are we ready? I'm ready.
I've got me notebook and pencil and a spare battery for me flashlight.
I'm ready.
You think that'll do it? WellI think it might be helpful if you had a spare battery as well.
Are we up for it instinct and reaction-wise? Are we ready mentally? You're having a go at me, aren't you? Because I failed sergeant's exam.
I only failed spelling.
No, I'm not.
I'm checking our readiness.
I have to wonder if spelling matters.
How often are we going to have to arrest anybody for bad spelling? I'm just trying to establish if you've got the right reflexes for the unexpected when it happens.
Do you think the unexpected's going to happen? Nothin' happens round here.
That's true.
But when it does, we're going to be ready.
There is something in all of us which keeps calling us back to the wild.
Reminding us that we were born to sleep under the stars, as Nature intended.
Where are you going to plug your electric blanket? Glenda! I'm not dependent on these modern electric devices.
I've packed our hot water bottles.
Oh, Barry.
I bet I end up rubbing your chest with Vick.
You shouldn't say that kind of thing to an outdoors man.
You came back with a cough when we went blackberrying.
It was draughty in those bushes.
They're full of holes.
Available for weddings.
I know the feeling.
You too? Oh, yes.
I used to have this little dream.
So did I.
Although mine was taller.
He was a driving examiner.
The little cottage with roses round the door.
How close have you been to marriage? Ohquite close.
Practically indistinguishable on occasions.
They lie, you know.
They pretend to be interested in literaturein the arts but it's not their first priority.
Yes, I noticed that.
They fail us in the end.
I noticed that, too.
Even he finally failed me.
Insufficient use of the rear view mirror.
Oh.
That's one I missed.
We single girls should be on our guard against foreign imports such as this.
How ugly! How foreign! In its own country, it's called the Wedding Plant.
They say that the perfume when in bloom can drive the males into proposing recklessly.
Oh, good heavens.
As far as recklessly? I'm afraid I can't in believe superstitious nonsense of that kind.
Although it IS a pretty colour.
Love the colour! Now, nothing excessive for this first test, Alvin.
Just get the feel of the beast.
Not me.
I'm going flat out.
It's the Alvin Smedley way.
Alvin Smedley Way.
Sounds like road through an industrial estate.
Just a short road.
Ignore him, Alvin.
He's jealous of how neatly you fit into crowded public bars.
Give me some room.
I need the area clear of spectators.
There's no telling what might happen if I lose her at speed.
BOING! BOING! Go, Alvin, go! To a casual observer, that looks a lot like standing still.
Oh, come here.
He'll wear his legs out.
Can he afford to wear any more legs out? Oh, I don't know about studded tyre.
I think you've nailed it to the ground.
She just needs more power.
And a bigger idiot.
You have a go, Billy.
Then we've cracked two birds with one stone.
CAR HORN BEEPS Way hey!! Look at that! A wave already and we haven't had these five minutes.
BOING! BOING! BOING! Stand back! Make way for grace under pressure.
Hello, Grace.
Lot of Billy under small helmet.
Now.
Just a couple of short sprints, Billy.
Don't thrash her.
Oh, I intend to show her no mercy! Oh, good for you, Billy.
The eyes of the greenwood are upon you.
Robin Hood's first bicycle squad.
Heh, heh.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
That saddle's hard.
You should treat it with respect.
I laugh at hard saddles.
Not-laughing end has to sit.
Right.
Now, clear the course, please.
Give this man some racing room.
Over to you, Billy.
She won't have it starting from zero.
She'll have to be in motion before I can start pedalling.
A racing start.
I like it.
Good for you.
Good thinking, Hardcastle.
Right.
Stand back then! Here we go! Watch this! CRUNCH! Now you know where to wear helmet.
He laughs at hard saddles.
Enjoy yourselves, ladies.
I want you to take your time.
There's no hurry.
Because after this, Barry's taking me camping.
Camping? Do you mean in a tent? Not only in a tent but in extreme discomfort.
In the best traditions of those things a husband organises.
Oh, how lucky can you get? Surprisingly sometimes, if you try.
Why is your Barry going through this funny period? Which I hope doesn't last as long as the one mine's going through.
About every six months, he gets this nagging worry that he's fallen below the standards of his cavemen ancestors.
Well, judging by his fear of Mrs Halliwell's hamster, I should think that's a reasonable assumption.
To be fair, it does have a nasty temperament.
And it doesn't like men.
Seemed to like his finger.
Gets nasty with men? Do you think Mrs Halliwell would loan out her hamster? You won't catch me in a tent these days.
Who's gonna to be chasing you in a tent these days? I was never chased in a tent at any time.
I'm sure that's a relief to us all.
We once did the camping thing.
You should see Howard in a sleeping bag.
Little face peeking out.
You'd think Mummy was a kangaroo.
Actually, I think going potty occasionally is one of the nicer male qualities, don't you? It might be acceptable on a part-time basis but we had to live full-time with ours.
Oh! Oh, I couldn't live with them full-time, no.
They sink into such slovenly habits.
The only thing that they'll smarten themselves up for is misbehaving.
Howard can do it in a cloth cap and bicycle clips.
I like my Barry in a suit and now he's started yearning for shorts.
I never saw mine in shorts.
They'd have come down to his ankles anyway.
I admit he was small.
He took some finding when he had his motorbike gear on.
You just had to have faith that he was in there somewhere.
They didn't wear weird stuff in our day.
They had a natural flair for decently scruffy and they stuck with it.
Well, at least then the streets were safe from beer bellies and bare knees.
I don't know how any girl gets into trouble these days.
The way in looks so uninviting.
Well, going off in a tent wouldn't do for me.
Well, we know that.
You'd never know which hat to wear.
You went camping when you were first married.
Well, you had to in those days.
Spending more than you can afford hadn't been invented.
And anyway, it was a very heavy canvas tent that nobody could see through especially Wally.
And I always changed my clothes behind a blanket.
You could have hidden your Wally behind a tea towel.
We can't help it if nobody's getting married.
Rubbish! They get married two or three times these days.
It's not as easy as you think.
You did it once.
Yeah, I've forgotten how.
I can't have been paying all that much attention.
It's a wonder you noticed when she left you.
She left me a note.
She knew you wouldn't notice otherwise.
What did she say? She said "Don't forget to pay the milkman.
" Well, couldn't you see that means she still cared for you? She was still looking after you.
Keeping you organised.
Yeah.
It was the milkman she was looking after.
He was the one she ran off with.
Did you change your milk? No.
I get this bottle left on the doorstep in the morning and in a way it's like it's from her.
That's the saddest story I've ever heard.
It makes me feel rotten for refusing your last request for a raise.
Does that mean we get one? No.
It just makes me feel rotten.
You know what that vehicle needs? Probably more petrol.
I told you.
What that vehicle needs is a bride in the back.
That's the best way to advertise.
There.
With the load spread, we'll soon see if the tyre works.
I have every faith in you, Billy.
Only don't expect me to put it in writing.
Excuse me Who's the test pilot round here? Who's a born daredevil stuntsman? Why is he riding it? We think because he's an idiot.
But I'M an idiot.
Can't argue with that.
All right, then.
Just spin a coin for who's riding it.
I hope you don't think I'm gonna live with that.
But it was a gift.
Oh, yes? Who from, I wonder? I meanat the price, it was a gift.
I thought, "I bet Pearl would like that.
" I bet Pearl WOULD like it.
She'd like it out of here.
And quick.
Like NOW, Howard.
Has he decided the best way down? You think there is a best? He does it instinctively, this lad.
He plays it by ear.
Just as well.
He'll probably end up on his ear.
In which case my advice is use ear as brakepad, Alvin.
Alvins don't brake.
They just go for it.
I must admit you were right, Alvin.
You are an idiot.
Well, my advice isavoid walls.
Tha' can manage a small wall, Alvin.
Just avoid big ones.
I hate wearing helmets.
I was meant for hair blowing in the wind.
Can human body cope with such speeds and such a funny hat? It's a bit tight.
I think what's happened is I've got this larger than average brain.
Pity you didn't bring it with you.
I'm so glad you've really taken to that plant.
She won't let me have it in the house.
I thought we'd plant it together.
Somewhere in a special place.
How much further to this special place, Howard? Oh, we're nearly there.
That's the trouble with these really quiet places.
They're all a bit far.
Oh, Howard, I hope you're not planning on going too far.
Don't feel obliged to answer straight away.
Take your time, Howard.
Ah! We're here.
Right.
Here we are camping.
What's the next treat, Barry? We could light a fire.
Hadn't we better save something for later? We could sing campfire songs.
# Ging gang gooly, gooly, gooly, gooly watcha.
# Oh, I tell you what, we could toast some crumpets.
Brought the crumpets, have you, Barry? If I'd brought some crumpets.
There's just no end to all the excitements.
If that won't do, Alvin, your head needs altering.
I've frequently said as much.
It's still tight but I'll ignore the pain once I start moving.
I like his spirit.
Hate the helmet, but look at him all fired up.
That's my team.
Chocks away.
Alvin, catch it! Watch it, Clegg! Aaah! Aaaggh! I don't know I like the idea of a bloke with one leg going faster than me.
I think we better plant it in some other quiet place, Howard.
I'll find one.
I have a nose for quiet places.
The way our luck's running, I bet it turns out to be a building site.
Oh.
Oh, that bride! Built for work rather than pleasure.
Not the sports model, that's for sure.
Huh, maybe she has a nice nature.
What a place to keep it.
Mrs Entwistle looking better already.