South Park s26e06 Episode Script

1
[TWANGY MUSIC]
I'm going down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time ♪
ALL: Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
Going down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
Headed on up to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUFFLED SINGING]
So come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
Hey, Rick!
Oh. Hey, Herb.
So, you know what this week is, right?
Um, is it Easter?
No, it's my spring break!
No school for seven days!
And guess what? Go pack your things
because you and I are going
on a big, romantic trip!
Really?
I just came from the travel agent.
We're gonna spend five nights
in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
Oh.
- Well, what's the matter?
- Myrtle Beach? Really?
We all know what goes on down there.
I don't do that stuff anymore,
and neither should you.
Rick, I don't wanna
go down there to rage.
I just wanna sit on a beach
with you and watch the sunset.
Yeah, but isn't Myrtle Beach
where those places are?
I don't wanna go into
one of those places.
I don't think they even exist anymore.
Don't you think this is
just what we need, Rick?
You don't even wanna go
into one of those places?
Rick, I'm a little old for that.
It'd be pretty pathetic if I did.
Well
- Okay.
- Ohh, Rick!
We're gonna have the best time!
I can't wait to spoil you.
I really do need a vacation.
Oh, we're gonna have the
best spring break of anyone!
All right, guys.
You sure you packed everything?
Yeah, that should be all of it.
Well, I hope you and Shelley
have a great spring break trip.
I still feel bad, us going on a trip
while you and Stan stay home.
You guys have fun in Santa Fe.
We're gonna do some dad and son stuff.
Goodbye, Shelley!
Have fun! I'll miss you! [KISSES]
There should be food enough
to last you the week.
Yes, yes, don't worry. We'll be fine.
- Bye, Stan! Love you!
- Love you, Mom!
- Okay, guys, be safe.
- Bye!
[SLAMS DOOR] Aww, jeah!
Bitches are gone!
Spring break! Spring break!
Spring break!
This is gonna be the
best spring break ever.
They're gonna be gone the whole week!
[OPENS BEER] Bro, what are you doing?
I'm painting miniatures.
Painting min
Dude, do you not understand?
Your mom and Shelley are gone.
We can do whatever we want
without any stupid rules.
Whatever I want?
Yeah, dude!
That's what this is all about.
Let's do some spring break shit!
Can I see if any of the
guys wanna come over
to do "40k" all week?
Hell, yeah, let's do some "40k."
What is that?
You don't know "Warhammer 40k"?
Oh, yeah, "Warhammer 40k," of course.
I'm down. Let's do it.
- Really? All week?
- Yeah, dude!
You're old enough.
Sweet! I'm gonna call Tolkien!
[CHATTER, CHILDREN PLAYING]
Oh, Rick.
Isn't this nice? This
place is incredible.
Yeah, it's really nice.
I just don't know if I deserve all this.
You do deserve it, Rick.
You've made me really happy.
Are you almost done?
Yeah, all done. Here you go.
Oh, Rick. Look at how happy we are.
Oh, that salt water air is just so good.
Can't wait to try some Southern food.
- You hungry?
- Yeah, sure. I could eat.
A lot of things are
different here in the South.
Kinda hard to figure out what's good.
Yeah, all the stores
and restaurants here
aren't like Colorado.
It's almost like another culture.
Herb?
Herb?
- Oh, no.
- Geez.
It's still here.
You said you wouldn't go
into one of these places.
I don't wanna go in. I just
can't believe some of these
places are still here.
Whoa! Look who's here!
What are you doing in town?
Oh, I'm just on vacation.
This is Rick.
Well, do you wanna come inside
and rally a little bit?
Oh, no thanks. I don't rally anymore.
You sure? Everyone would love
to rally with you again.
I'm sure. I don't need to rally.
I'm just here to relax. Take care.
Well, if you change your mind,
we'll be here!
America number one!
Number one, yep.
Some people, huh? Geez.
Okay, so I'm gonna
have my Retributor Squad
attack your Stormhawk Interceptor.
Okay, that has a toughness of 7
and a -1 to your hit rolls.
[RATTLES DICE, THROWS]
Okay, so that's three, four, five hits.
Okay, I'm gonna roll my saving throw,
which is 3+.
What in the actual [BLEEP]
are you guys doing?
We're playing "40k."
You guys have wasted
another day of spring break
with this stupid shit.
Do you guys know what
spring break is about?
Wet t-shirt contests, mud wrestling.
Don't you wanna get
some bitches over here?
I thought you were happy
'cause the bitches were gone?
I'm happy the bitches are gone
so we can have bitches over!
Spring break is dude time.
But you know what,
today's society has ruined it all.
They've taught you boys to
be ashamed of being boys.
Convinced you that your natural
innate male desires are toxic.
No matter what the
liberals try to tell you, boys,
you shouldn't be ashamed of your gender.
Okay, Dad. So I've got
an Imperium infantry unit
within six inches of Celestine,
so they have a +6 save.
My God.
What are we going to do?
[CLUB MUSIC POUNDING]
[WAVES CRASHING]
I'm going to sleep.
I'm gonna go to sleep now.
I feel so alone ♪
Here I go to sleep.
- [EXHALES]
- [CLUB MUSIC CONTINUES]
Rick?
Can I help you find any oh, my God!
Sir, you're back!
Yeah, just browsing.
You guys, it's him! He's here!
- Oh, wow, it is him!
- It's him?
Is that really you?
What are you doing here?
Could I get a selfie with you?
Hey, uh, since you're here,
you wanna rally a little bit?
No, no. I can't rally
I've got a serious boyfriend.
I'm just looking around.
Oh, come on.
When are you gonna be here again?
Live a little!
Well, maybe I could
do just a little bit.
I mean, wha
What the hell is up with
all these Mexicans? Huh?
[CHEERING]
Yeah! I mean I mean,
Joe Biden obviously thinks
immigrants are made
of gold or something.
- Piece of shit!
- [CHEERING]
Yeah! Yeah!
[KNOCKING]
Hey, Steven. You know your son's
been over at my house for spring break?
Yeah, of course I know.
Well, you should see what they're doing,
'cause it's a little hrrrp.
Well well, what are they doing?
Look, I just think we
better talk with our boys
to counteract all the
ways in which society
has been pathologizing masculinity.
I mean, you went balls-out
on spring break, right?
Tried to see chicks' boobs and stuff?
Mm, no I didn't.
Well, no, I mean, you weren't ashamed
of being a guy, right?
Like, you went out to the lake
and tried to play grab ass
with girls, right?
No, I did not.
Why why are you saying that?
Why are you making those
words with your mouth?
Oh, hey, Randy.
Everything okay with the boys?
Ohh, right.
Sorry sorry, yeah,
everything's great.
They're playing a little
table miniatures game.
It's great.
Just, uh, came to let
you know they're good.
[UNDER BREATH] Don't worry.
I'm gonna take care of it.
I'll tell you what else.
This whole situation in the Ukraine,
that wouldn't be happening on my watch.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
The problem is now we all
have a president who's afraid.
And that's why Joe and
the ho have got to go!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]
And I'll tell you another thing.
It's oh, hang on a second.
Oh, crap.
Ho hold on a second, everybody.
Uh [SHUSHING]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [ANSWERS PHONE]
Oh, hey, Rick!
Where are you?
I couldn't sleep, Rick.
I was just tossing and turning
and I didn't wanna wake you up,
so I decided to come out
and buy some sunscreen
and stuff for our beach day tomorrow.
Oh, okay.
I got scared that you were out rallying.
Ohh, geez, well, that's silly.
Last thing I wanna do is rally.
Listen up Get back to sleep, Rick.
I'll I'll be right home, okay?
Okay. Sorry for panicking. Bye.
Bye-bye. [HANGS UP]
Okay, uh, nice to meet you, everybody.
I need to get going.
Oh, come on.
Just rally with us a little bit more.
No, I really can't.
Just a few more minutes. Come on!
All right, I guess I can
rally just a little bit longer.
I mean, after all, I am here for you.
I am your warrior!
Liberal left!
Hunter Biden laptop!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah! Yeah!
[SNORING]
Uh
Ugh. Oh, geez.
Herb? Herb, you gotta get up.
We're gonna miss our whole beach day.
Oh, it's it's just the
time change, Rick.
You enjoy the beach.
I just gotta sleep a little longer.
Okay.
[SNORING]
[CHATTER, WAVES CRASHING]
[SOMBER MUSIC]
[RATTLES DICE, THROWS]
Dude, it's so awesome being able
to leave "Warhammer" set up all night
and come back to it in the morning.
I know, it's great.
Hey, hey, you guys. What did you do?
- What do you mean?
- I mean the cops are here.
What did you guys do?
We're just continuing our game of
"40k" from last night.
Okay, you guys, just stop
'cause the police wanna
ask you some questions.
Come on in, officers.
- [CRACKING WHIP]
- Hello, gentlemen.
Hands up.
We heard somebody in here's been bad.
Oh, no, guys.
Looks like you're in big trouble.
You better read 'em their rights.
Hey, whoa, whoa! Don't touch the models.
We spent a long time on this.
Stan, stop with that shit.
Come on, get into it.
Wet t-shirt contest!
Hey, what the [BLEEP]?
- What?
- Hey, you [BLEEP] guy!
You do not harass the ladies!
Well, I wanted strippers, not prudes.
You wanna talk, big man? Huh?
You wanna be big man?
Whoa, whoa, okay. I
I think I need to explain
something to you, okay?
Look, I'm just trying to
combat the messages
that the liberal left is
putting out to young men
about their male instincts being toxic.
The [BLEEP] you talking?
You know, I'm trying to show my son
and his nerdy little
friend what a real party is
'cause society wants them to be ashamed
of their masculine natures.
- You want real party?
- Yeah!
Truth is, I got a whole
barn full of weed.
I will call some friends.
The person you are trying to reach
cannot be located.
Please leave a message. [BEEP]
Where are you?
I got back from the
beach and you were gone.
Please pick up.
[CLUB MUSIC POUNDING]
[LIVELY CHATTER]
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[CROWD CHEERING]
And we're gonna take Georgia,
and and we're gonna
take Arizona this time!
[CHEERING]
And when I say we're gonna
take Arizona in the election,
I I mean we're gonna take it again.
'cause we all know I
won it last time, too!
Oh.
Oh. Hey, everybody.
This is Rick.
Rick! Rick, will you just wait!
You know it's 2:00 in the morning?
I was alone at the hotel
while you were out rallying!
I just wanted to rally for a little bit.
Yeah, you really look like
you just rallied a little bit.
I got a text that Tucker was in town,
and I just wanted to go
rally for a little bit.
You really think those
people care about you, Herb?
They don't. They just wanna do that.
Rick, I got it out of my system now.
We can still have a great vacation.
Let's just start over tomorrow.
Okay?
- [ELECTRONIC MUSIC BLARING]
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
Right, all right, let's do this!
Okay, you ready?
Three, two, one. Go!
[CHEERING] Check it out, guys!
Ahh! [LAUGHS]
Huh? Whoa! [SNAPPING]
[CRASHING]
Sir, do you think you can walk?
[MUFFLED] No, I don't think so.
Sir, we think you've
had too much to drink,
and we should probably
take you to the hospital.
No, I can't. I have to stay here
'cause I'm in charge of my son.
Today's woke culture
has vilified his manhood
and made him ashamed of himself.
Okay, sir, but it appears
you have a broken arm
and several fractured ribs.
Yeah, but I can't leave
because my son's natural
instincts are being suppressed
and it's leading to behavioral problems.
You see the shit he's doing?
He's over there playing with dolls.
It's pretty good fondue, right?
We should probably just
go back to the hotel.
You've got the shakes
from rallying all night.
No, no, Rick. This is our vacation.
I want us to have a nice
romantic lunch. [RETCHES]
Maybe we should just
go back to Colorado.
No, Rick. I'm gonna make this up to you.
I don't wanna rally anymore.
There's just a lot of people out there
who won't let it go, you know?
Yes, and you can't be around them.
I know, I know.
Let me just
Let me just go throw up
because I'll feel much better.
Okay, go throw up, Herb.
[VOMITS]
Oh, God.
Come on, just stop. Stop.
The country is fine.
You have better things to do.
[DOOR OPENS]
[STALL DOOR CREAKS]
[TAPS]
Yeah, oh yeah! That's it! Yeah!
We're gonna get abortion
rights thrown the hell out
so those dirty lesbians
can't keep having abortions!
Yeah! Oh, yeah, man!
We're gonna get those Black
Lives Matter protestors
off the streets with a fire hose!
- Yeah, America!
- BOTH: Yeah!
Rick!
[BLEEP] you.
Well, to hell with you!
Nobody controls me!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! America! Yeah!
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC POUNDING]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Can I help you?
We've had some complaints about a party
that's been going on
for three days here.
Hey, what's going on?
[LAUGHS]
All right, guys, who
ordered the stripper?
Can we come in and look around, sir?
Oh, yeah! Come on in.
[SMACK] Honk honk!
All right, get down on the ground!
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no. It's okay.
I'm just helping my boy
through the media assault on manliness.
- [TASER CRACKLES]
- Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
I need to see some ID, sir.
Uh! Okay! Okay, Stan! Stan!
Yeah?
Can you get my wallet from the upstairs?
Yeah, soon as we're done
with this psyker phase.
I have five psyker units.
Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.
Hey! Freeze! You, right there!
That's Alonzo Fineski,
the Romanian sex trafficker!
[BLEEP] you, big man!
[FIRES GUN]
[GUNFIRE]
Ahh! Oh, my God!
- [GRUNTS]
- Ahh!
[GUNFIRE]
Stan? Stan?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, PA ANNOUNCEMENT]
[SOMBER MUSIC]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
here he is,
the once and future president
of the United States of America!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you. I am here today
for those who have been wronged.
[CHEERING]
For those who have been betrayed.
And let me tell you
that nobody in this country
has been betrayed more
than my Ricky Rick.
Huh? What? [CONFUSED CLAMORING]
Rick, I am so sorry.
And if you are out there,
I want you to know that I love you.
You are the only thing
that keeps me from doing
all this stupid stuff.
When I met you, I
felt in control of myself
for the first time.
There has never been anyone
who calmed me down more
than my little Ricky Bear.
You are my boo.
Did he just say that Rick is his boo?
The truth is, some of us
simply can't be alone.
We need a relationship so that
we're accountable to someone.
I realize now how broken I am
without that person who keeps
me from destroying myself.
Sh-Sharon?
And all I've ever done
was take you for granted
and wished I wasn't being controlled.
[SOBBING] Hi, Sharon.
Will you please come home?
Rick, I am a giant piece
of shit without you.
I don't deserve another chance.
You have been wronged.
You have been betrayed.
And the only person who
deserves retribution is me.
I know you all really want
to rally and rage, but
the only thing I have to say is
is that I love Rick. [POUNDING PODIUM]
I love Rick! I love Rick!
[TOGETHER] I love Rick.
I love Rick.
I love Rick! I love Rick!
[ALL CHANTING] I love Rick!
- I love Rick!
- I love you, Rick!
ALL: I love Rick! I love Rick!
- I love Rick!
- Yeah!
ALL: I love Rick! [ALL CLAMORING]
I love Rick! I love Rick!
I love Rick! I love Rick!
I love Rick!
Oh, crap. Here we go again!
ALL: I love Rick! I love Rick!
[SOBBING SOFTLY]
It's okay, Randy. We're back.
I'm sorry I cut your trip short.
[SIGHS] It's okay, Randy.
You made it longer
than last spring break.
- Oh. Hey, Mom.
- Stanley,
what have I told you
about playing "Warhammer"
- on the kitchen table?
- Aw!
Oh, Rick!
I don't wanna go through all that again.
I just wanna stay in
South Park with you.
Well, I guess we'll just
have to see what happens.