Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s26e07 Episode Script

Nora Batty! Watch out! Aaaah! CRASHING Are you all right? I'm Alvin, survivor You must be mental! Alsopossibly mental.
Do you realise, that if I got rich, I'd have no-one to leave the money to? Don't worry about it.
I can help you there.
It's not like having a loved one, though, is it? Sometimes, he can be really hurtful.
It's the money.
It changes people.
It wouldn't change me.
I'd be the same loveable person I've always been.
Don't say that.
If you had money, you could afford a cure.
Have you any grounds for expecting this money, or are you only holding yourself ready just in case? A bloke has to plan ahead a bit.
Yeah, but now you worry about who to leave it to.
You see the problems you've got with your money already? I mean, it's not brought you any happiness, has it? It's my own fault.
I should never have let go of the one woman in my life.
You didn't leave your mother till you were nearly fifty.
I didn't mean her.
What's he looking for? Wrinkles.
He thinks he's losing his looks.
He keeps asking me if I've noticed.
"When did you notice I was losing my appeal?" he asks.
So I told him on our honeymoon.
Now, we're not speaking.
They're funny, aren't they? That's another thing I remember about the honeymoon.
Smiler was in love.
It was wartime.
A glorious June.
June who? The month, you wally.
Oh, that June.
I knew a June.
That is deeply uninteresting.
At 18, she still had a thing about dolls.
Did she wheel thee about in a pram? I was more dangerous than dolls in my prime.
Smiler still regrets that he failed to seize the opportunity with the girl in his life.
He had a girl in his life? For one entire afternoon.
He still wishes that he'd taken her up on her kind offer.
You hear about them kind of offers.
In the vice squad, we had to go around making those kind of offers.
You'd be all right in a blackout, but what happened when the lights came back on? I was transferred to traffic duty.
I hope tha remembered to take tha lipstick off.
It wasn't that kind of offer.
All she said to Smiler was, "Look me up sometime.
" Who said? Mavis McDonagh.
Not the Mavis McDonagh we've all never heard of?! Maybe she left the area.
Which you would, if you were expecting Smiler to look you up any minute.
There were McDonaghs in Jamieson Street.
Didn't one of them eat a rent man? Oh, they all used to eat rent men in Jamieson Street.
They pulled it down.
There is no Jamieson Street.
There's only what they rebuilt in its place which looks like Jamieson Street.
It's called progress.
You have to wonder what kind of female Smiler would find so fascinating.
He liked her style.
She was very plain and inclined to be miserable.
Made for each other.
Plain and miserable I think I knew her.
I think I married her.
It's still there, Barry.
No-one's stolen your car.
It's just so vulnerable out there.
Why don't we make room for it in the garage? You've only just turned the garage into a gymnasium.
I never realised how worried I'd be about the car.
You should have asked.
I could have told you.
You're always worried about the car.
It hates being out there.
I can feel it.
You won't even let your wife drive it.
I've never actually said you can't drive it.
You just hide the keys.
It's only for your own safety.
There are some terrible drivers on the road.
Besides you.
That was when I was young.
I don't drive fast anymore.
You drive faster than me.
Barry, everybody drives faster than you.
Old Mrs Hemstock doesn't.
Wow! Come here.
Give me a kiss.
What's the occasion? No occasion.
What's the point of living with somebody faster than Old Mrs Hemstock unless you take advantage of it? Jamieson Street? Yes.
They've pulled it down.
We know.
And there's rumour they're going to start on you.
Put a new bathroom in.
Smarten you up a bit.
Don't kill him in here.
Wait till you get him home.
If there's one thing worse than bad neighboursit's him.
Behave yourself or I'll do something nasty to you with a stale bun.
Who's looking for Jamieson Street, anyway? Just a few concerned citizens on behalf of Smiler.
Somebody ought to be concerned about Smiler.
I like a bit of misery meself, but he overdoes it.
We're going to brighten his life up a bit.
We're playing Cupid.
I've got the bow for it.
We're looking for a Mavis McDonagh.
The McDonaghs of Jamieson Street.
Quite famous once in disorderly circles.
More than once.
Well, they'll have to be the McDonaghs of some other street now.
There is no Jamieson Street.
But where did they re-house people? The McDonaghs? Probably at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
I expect some went to the prefabs.
When we were first married, we lived in a prefab.
With her mother.
I remember pressure cookers were supposed to be new.
I thought, "You must be joking! "I've been living in one for ages.
" I remember the pressure cooker craze.
You couldn't breathe for steam.
I remember arresting people in places like that.
You had to keep your fingers in your ears in case of a sudden whistle.
That's it.
That kind of place.
It's to the humble pressure cooker I owe this magnificent physique.
Oh, not budgie seed? That was just breakfast.
I can't stand Continental breakfasts.
Nah.
A body needs something solid.
Yours looks like it's doing nicely.
Nobody's talking to you, Big Ears! It makes me wonder how your husband ever found his way about.
Maybe he knew a short cut.
He knew what he was allowed to know.
The female form was always a mystery to me.
Anything else you acquire with moving parts, you get an owner's manual.
What about the stirring of your hormones? Stir your tea.
We never had hormones in our day.
You must have had one or two.
Nothing that could get past a good corset.
Don't be hanging back! This man is magic.
Huh! This man's advice has been sought after by the crowned heads of Europe.
Who is he? Don't worry about who he is, it's what he can do.
Can I afford him? Fifty quid? You said thirty.
Oh, all right, I meant thirty.
Well, don't tell me you're not going to waste thirty quid on ensuring a rosier future? You don't just burst in on this bloke.
He could be in the middle of some mystical experience.
Excuse mess, but you catch me in middle of mystical experience.
What does he know? He sells old washing machines.
Oh, it'sit's just his day job.
Man who sells washing machines learns secrets of female behaviour.
Ancient Yorkshire proverb.
How's he going to find the address of Mavis McDonagh? We consult mystical battery.
What's mystical about a battery? He's never sure if his truck's going to start.
This battery descended from battery which found Queen Victoria when she went missing.
I never knew Queen Victoria ever went missing.
That's because they found her so quick.
Step inside.
Cleggy! Cleggy! Cleggy! No, Howard.
I just want your opinion, Cleggy.
I think you should stop bothering me, Howard.
Of course, that is only my opinion.
I can't ask Pearl.
She'll lie.
Do I look my age? Well, your ears still look OK.
I'm serious! Do you think I'm starting to lose me looks? I wouldn't say "starting", Howard.
Do you think I ought to try a beard? A veil, Howard.
Go for the mysterious look.
A motorcycle helmet.
Your head in a bucket.
That always distracts attention from any flaws in your complexion.
What flaws? Yes, of course.
Absolutely no problem.
Barry? Mm-hm.
Barry, Mrs Batty needs a lift.
We're going looking for where they re-housed people from Jamieson Street.
Barry? That's nice.
We need the car, Barry.
Hello, love.
Back already? You're not listening.
Yeah, of course I missed you.
Now, Barry.
I need the car.
Mm-hm.
The car keys, Barry! Who's a good lad, then? Your mother rang.
I don't think so, Barry.
Somebody rang.
Are you available to help lonely soul? Oh! Must congratulate on range of library services.
What sign are you under? Entwistle Electrical.
There's more to life than the electrical business.
Also sell washing machines.
Do you have a wife? Yes, but not for sale.
Why do all the interesting men have wives? When she's shouting at me, that's what I ask myself.
If you spend much time alone, I have sideline in reconditioned televisions.
I have a television.
It's the sideline I'm finding more difficult.
You know Smiler? You help his social confidence.
We bring him in, he practises his chat line on you.
You give him marks out of ten.
It'll be two.
I only ever get twos.
Two? One session with me and he's improved already.
Also need to know what happened to people from Jamieson Street.
Miss Davenport looked in library files.
She has information about people from Jamieson Street.
She suggests we ought to be heading for Pepworth Street.
Hey-up! Wasn't there somebody in Pepworth Street who tried to strangle somebody? Only a close relative, so it hardly counts.
Didn't they make a film - Nightmare In Pepworth Street? You'll be in good hands.
I shall supervise the entire operation.
I'm going off this.
Why do we need women? They'll be criticising all the time.
Let's sneak away and leave 'em to it.
And miss a day out with Nora Batty? I'm with Alvin.
If I'm going to spend the day being criticised by women, I could have stayed at home.
Women have noses like ferrets.
They'll be invaluable.
They'll be a pain.
Well, yes, they'll be a pain.
Otherwise, they would have replaced bloodhounds, wouldn't they? Would you say my complexion is flawed? I'd say you're going to be floored if you don't stop sneaking off.
I've been wondering if I ought to grow a beard.
I think you just ought to grow.
I'm beginning to believe I may have reached that time of life when Nature needs a bit of help.
Nature needs a lot of help.
OK.
Let's be adult about this.
We're man and wife.
Let's be honest with each other.
Do you still find me attractive? What do you mean "still"? What makes you think I ever found you attractive? Oh, come on! There was a time I was Mr Magic.
Yeah, and I was Miss Led! I remember nights behind the bakery.
Spent some happy times, didn't we, leaning on that warm wall? One warm bakery wall.
You really spoiled me, didn't you(?) Spared no expense.
I wouldn't mind, but you didn't even wipe it first.
The whole wall? I couldn't reach.
You were doing your best to reach everything else.
It's not good.
They're a cautious lot in Pepworth Street.
It'll be tricky asking questions down here.
It requires tact and experience.
I expect you, Mr Truelove, will be making the enquiries.
Supervising.
I'll send one of these two.
By heck! That's experienced.
I shall be there for back-up at all times.
You get my back up at all times.
There are some areas where an old copper should keep a low profile.
We'll send Alvin.
His profile's lower than most.
But in magnificent condition.
I'm sure Nora would like me to keep it that way.
You can keep it anywhere you like, as long as it's not near me.
She says things like that in public, but when we're alone I'm even nastier.
I reckon that's a fair description.
I cause her emotional disturbance and she has to hide it somehow.
Never mind YOUR emotions.
We're here for Smiler's.
I want you to do your best for Smiler's sake.
I want you to go through Pepworth Street and find me a McDonagh.
Well? Are you going, or are you just going to gab all day? She's getting edgy, because she knows I may be walking into the jaws of death.
Only if they think you're the rent man.
Oh! Can't you find him some overalls with "rent man" in big letters? She puts a brave face on.
My missus does that.
And it's never any better than the one she's got.
Don't be all day.
Did you hear that tone of voice? I can't understand why they don't make her an honorary traffic warden.
I'll stay here and tell Mrs Batty the advantages of a washing machine.
I'M the washing machine! Could do with a new cabinet.
Ooh! I don't know what they're worried about.
It used to be quite a nice place to live.
Mm.
So did the entire country.
Who's going to knock on the doors? It'll have to be thee, Alvin.
Me and Truly look too respectable.
So what does that make me? By the time they've figured that out, you'll be at the door.
I can do that.
I can do "be at the door".
What do I say? Ask them if there's a McDonagh in the area.
Tell them you're looking on behalf of an old friend.
Nobody's looking for trouble.
Right.
Suppose there is a McDonagh there, how do I know if it's the right one? You could start by discounting the ones who are not female.
If it is a woman, ask her if she's the one who's expecting Smiler to look her up sometime.
Where will you be? Just round the corner.
Keeping an eye out for you.
Could you make that both eyes? Done.
To me! To me! I can't see you for the shed.
Then take a wild guess! Oh, put it down.
Put it down.
You're like a pair of tulips.
I told you it was too big.
It's him that's too big.
You're all lopsided.
No, it's him what's too small.
Why don't you buy yourself a useful motor vehicle? Because you're more environmentally friendly.
You don't go through the car wash.
You don't drip oil on my shop front.
And I'll thank you to stop making nasty suggestions to old ladies.
It wasn't nasty.
It sounded nasty enough to me.
Put it back.
Go on Go on.
I should have gone with him.
He might need the skills I've perfected in t'greenwood.
I don't see picking bluebells being all that useful, do you? GROWLING What's he fretting about now? It's dogs.
He's not too keen on going where there might be strange dogs.
I expect he was once picked up by a gun dog and dropped at somebody's feet.
It says, "Beware of the Dog.
" Of course it says, "Beware of the Dog.
" You don't think they're going to stick up a notice saying, "Our dog's a pussy cat.
" They always say that.
It's just a bluff to scare people off.
And it works.
All right.
Billy, you'll have to go.
What about thee? I look too much like an authority figure.
You, on the other hand, impress strangers immediately as a total barmpot.
Well, get on with it! Oh, go together.
We'll go together.
Are you sure it's a bluff? It's a bluff.
Trust me.
I know how these things work.
I don't care if there is a dog.
My ancestors lived in t'greenwood, remember? It's in the stare.
Domination.
Tha's got to turn thee eyeballs into lethal weapons.
I'm going to face a dangerous dog with a dangerous lunatic.
No.
Not this size.
I look like Old Father Time.
Must be the shortest day of the year.
Here, try this one.
No.
I want a small beard.
A little pointy thing.
Something that says - stylish well bred slightly dangerous.
How about something which says make your mind up? Then again, I liked the way some of the Spaniards used to look when they were sword-fencing in the old days.
Yes.
Yes.
I think the key here is something Spanish.
That's it.
Good choice.
Spanish is a bit more expensive, but you get a free onion.
However did he get in that condition? I always think it's best not to ask.
He got his trousers savaged by this bluff.
He needs trouser transplant.
You can all look away.
It's very embarrassing.
Not to mention breezy.
Another few seconds, he'd have had it dominated, but he ran out of trouser.
Oh, it were a nasty beggar.
Same nature as the wife's sister.
Weren't you going to dominate it with your eye? It wasn't looking at me eye, was it? And we don't want to look at anything either.
Get something on! I love it when they're full of sympathy(!) You begin to see why Robin Hood wore tights! Oh, let Smiler find his own McDonagh.
I've had enough.
Is that it? Finished? I thought we'd come for a ride.
There's a skirt in the boot, Mr Hardcastle, ready for the cleaners.
You can wrap it round you, if you like.
That's very good of you, love.
It's very draughty on the back of Entwistle's truck.
I've got news for you.
This'll cheer you up.
What makes you think I need cheering up? They're out there already looking for your Mavis McDonagh for you.
For me? Well, nobody else placed an order.
What am I going to do if they find her? You're going to look her up, like she said.
It could be the start of something beautiful, Smiler.
Hey-up, look at this.
Back already.
And a strange woman in the back.
They must have found her.
She looks strange, all right.
Smiler, they've found your Mavis for you.
I'm not going to look up that! Give us a lift.
Follow that car! In here, Mr Simmonite.
Mrs Batty was wanting to go for a ride.
Mind my flowers.
Don't bother, let him go! Howard? You like it? It's very, um Spanish.
The word you're looking for is Spanish.
I got a free onion.
The word I was looking for was dangerous.
That's it.
For spilling egg on it.
Promise me you won't spill egg on it.
I hate to see a beard with egg on it.
I won't spill egg on it.
I didn't know you liked onions.
I would have given you an onion.
You'd give me an onion? You only had to ask.
Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard! Not in public! No problem.
Step into my office.
Hello, Barry.
Hello, love.
Going out? If you can wait a bit, I'll drive you in the car.
So, you didn't find a McDonagh? We found a dog.
It's not only tights Billy looks great in a skirt.
Bog off! Three offers of marriage and one for a weekend in Blackpool, before we could get him back inside some trousers.
They're lying.
It was a weekend in Cleethorpes.