Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s26e09 Episode Script

Are we getting too old, Billy? Too set in our ways losing that playful edge? No.
Are you sure about that? Trust me.
Fair enough.
Here.
I've done a bit of baking.
You? Baking? Just baking.
It's not like I'm cross-dressing.
Nobody's ever baked me a bun.
I shan't tell if you don't.
It's just a bun.
It's not going to light up and catch you in your nightie.
And nobody else is either.
A bit light on fat, but quite tasty.
I know what I am, but what about the bun? I want the plate back.
Morning, Howard.
Morning.
And where were you going? You notice I used the past tense.
I was just saying good morning.
On tiptoe? You have to move like a panther to say good morning? It wasn't tiptoe.
It's an exercise I'm doing to strengthen my calf muscles.
You point your toe and begin to apply a gentle pressure to your calveus maximus.
It's a very underrated muscle.
Enough! Before somebody applies a gentle pressure to your throat.
If the world was bigger if the globe was rounder would that mean we'd have twice as far to go to get to Huddersfield? On foot or by bus? Are we allowed shortcuts? And would it be a Sunday? I don't think you lot are ready for a serious conversation.
Hey up! It's the Overnight Express.
Bravely through storm and flood with a load of what is it? None of our business is what it is.
Although I suppose you might as well tell us, Tom.
Tha's as curious as we are.
Nobody's as curious you are.
We're not allowed to give out any information.
It's a breach of our insurance arrangementsunless somebody buys us a drink first.
Ask Smiler.
Smiler can't keep a secret.
I don't think I've ever had a secret.
It's lot eight.
That's all we know.
Lot eight.
Oh, right.
Well, that's it, then.
Now we all know.
Lot eight.
How high standards do you have? Well if we're speaking personally very high standards.
Although I'm not saying they couldn't be flexible under certain conditions.
You cater for beginners? Oh, Mr Entwistle, I'm sure you're way past beginner.
Been looking long time for Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Something eastern mystical passionate romantic? Really basic maintenance handbook for me truck.
With pictures.
Suitable for beginners.
You're quite sure? I'm better at mystical passionate romantic.
Maybe you could learn.
Expensive truck.
Always in garage.
I need to learn own repairs.
We could learn together.
That's really quite a good idea.
I ought to know more about my own vehicle.
I wonder if one could grow passionate about motor maintenance? Good chance if we start first on mine.
You can change wheel? You'd let me do that? In Hull letting woman change wheel big mark of respect.
Sounds hollow.
Mine too.
I think it's snack time.
It sounds empty.
I know the feeling.
If it's empty, you've been robbed.
We haven't been robbed.
It's never been unwrapped.
I know the feeling.
There's a whole world inside of me that nobody's ever bothered to open up.
That's because you go round looking as if you were closed.
I'm working on him.
I'm trying to put him in touch with his gypsy.
How do you know she'll do him any good? I know because she's me.
Where's your earrings? They're in the wash.
If you've got so much second sight, have a guess as to what's inside these wrappings.
They're crates of some sort.
Come on you two, what's inside? We don't know what it is.
Auntie just said fetch lot eight.
And when we got there, there it was.
Wrapped up already.
We asked the warehouse bloke what it was.
What did he say? He said it's lot eight.
Actually, I was thinking along the lines of a bit of jewellery.
Jewellery won't save your life when you're lost out on the moors in the thick fog.
The moors? If anyone's been talking, I go out there for recreational purposes.
You can go anywhere now with security.
Now you've got your Portable Folding Stove and Teamaker.
You'll be amazed how you managed without it.
I am.
I'm amazed how I've managed to get through life without a Portable Folding Stove and Teamaker.
Being poorly equipped is a casual modern attitude that gets girls into trouble.
I wish getting into trouble was as easy as people think.
What on earth's that? That's lot eight.
Hey up, what's tha' got there, lass? Well, it's not jewellery.
Can we help you unload this, er whatever it is? It better be lot eight.
According to the catalogue four useful containers.
I know a bargain when I see one.
What is it? It's not fatal, is it? You look married, Barry.
Are you surprised? We've been married for ooh, how many years? We promised each other we'd never look married.
We swore we'd always keep it fresh.
We were young and daft.
I used to believe everything I read on the label.
We said we'd always keep some sparkle.
I've kept some sparkle.
Where? Where's your sparkle? Well, not in the morning, Glenda.
Be fair.
And I don't appreciate your not knowing how long we've been married.
You're collecting memories of old times.
Collecting.
Not buying.
I've got lots of stuff to jog your memory.
Yes, well my memory's given up jogging.
Its knees were going.
You're getting better at this.
You used to be a pushover.
If you're thinking of going into top gear I should warn you that I'm wearing a crucifix and I'm ready to eat garlic.
Then you'll need a garlic crusher.
I've got just the thing.
Yes, I think I'll go and help them unwrap lot eight.
There's enough of them unwrapping lot eight.
You should stay here and chat for a minute.
Oh, ho, ho.
You don't chat.
You spin webs.
You must need something.
Everybody needs something.
Yes, well I need to get away as soon as possible.
What about a greenhouse? What? You're writing your memoirs.
Shakespeare always wrote in a greenhouse.
Oh.
Not many people know that.
Made all the difference, he said.
Couldn't write worth tuppence till he got that greenhouse.
I think you'd better come and have a look at lot eight.
Can't you bring it through here? There are four of them.
Are they all the same? Yes.
Well, bring one.
Norman Clegg's a chicken! HE CLUCKS You're going to have some trouble shifting this lot.
There's a customer for everything.
I don't think you'll get much impulse buying for one of these.
I'm ready with the wheelbrace, Mr Entwistle.
OK.
Figure one says "Undo nuts, turning anti-clockwise.
" SHE GRUNTS Book good.
Books are good, Mr Entwistle.
It's my mission in life to make people see that.
You good on wheelbrace.
Thank you, Mr Entwistle.
That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me for ages.
Next bit looks good.
You'll enjoy next bit.
Do you knowI believe I shall! You see what the problem is.
People tend to think of these containers as having only one purpose.
Off you go, lads.
Now.
A fancy paint job.
A number on the side.
She'd be a racing trolley.
They'll all want one.
And when the time comes they won't need a hearse.
They've got their own transport.
It could do with a bit of streamlining.
No, that's Alvin.
It looks like a thing of racing beauty.
I bet if you was to park this in a disabled space they wouldn't even check your badge.
In the proper hands, what we've got here is a winner.
I never thought I'd see anybody leap into one of them as quick.
Right, now you, Billy.
Me? Well, she's a two seater.
There's a novelty.
Right, let's be off then.
Can't lie about in your coffin all day.
Right.
Tom, Smiler, you push.
Hang on.
How come we always get the heavy work? Now just look at it reasonably.
I joined the police force specifically to avoid manual labour.
You can't expect me to spoil a lifetime's effort.
I think I was born for hard labour.
Tha's got just the face for it.
We call on you because of all your vast experience with the handcart.
Will somebody push? It's no good just sitting here.
Some fool might come along and bury us.
Hey, not in a two seater, surely.
It's no good on the flat.
Er I'm sorry, but I'm not jumping fences in this thing.
What we need a spot, er of downhill.
ALL: Uh-oh He is, isn't he? He's looking married.
He is married.
He'd better be married.
Your mother would have disowned you.
Not only married, I'm very embarrassed.
You don't have to look married.
We promised each other we'd never look married.
You don't have to tell everybody.
Well, what's the point of getting married if you don't want to look married? If you start looking married it's a sign that the excitement's gone out of it.
BOTH: What excitement? You see? You can't even remember it.
That's terrible.
Never knowing the excitement.
We've known excitement.
Of course we've known excitement.
Sid broke his ankle.
And we had a wheel come off the sidecar once.
Oh.
Sid was a menace with the gas boiler.
Tell me, Barry in front of these witnesses that our excitement's not gone.
Glenda! Can we discuss this privately? You can take that straight out.
Be reasonable.
We've left its wheels outside.
What do you think that's going to do for customer confidence? Who did they tip out to get their hands on that? It's just a trolley.
I've always said he was off his trolley.
Get it out.
We can't leave it outside to get nicked.
It's part of a very desirable racing trolley.
Who d'you think's going to steal one of those? It's an A-class trolley.
It's a funny trolley.
It's a two-seater.
Does tha' fancy a spin? Oh! Get out! We just need a few sandwiches to take with us.
Well, you'll not get them here.
I don't cater for funerals.
Out! I'll go with ya.
Oh, Barry! You wanted me to seek excitement.
Look after him, Mr Truelove.
He's all I've got in the world to care for except the new fitted kitchen.
We never had fitted kitchens in our day.
We just had kitchens.
They've got fitted bathrooms now.
It's still dirty water that goes down the plug.
You, you you've got oil on your cheek.
I like it.
Did you see that? Straight in.
Chatting up the ladies.
You've got oil on your cheek.
I like it.
He owes it all to the gypsy.
RATTLING I wish I'd bought jewellery.
No, no.
We'll enjoy a refreshing cup of tea when we're out among the hills.
Out among the hills.
With no jewellery.
Just us and a Portable Folding Stove and Teamaker.
Now shut up! I don't wish to hear another word from a Portable Folding Stove and Teamaker.
You sound very determined.
Get me roused and I'm hell on wheels, Howard.
If you're in a bad mood, maybe we didn't ought to go too far.
Something else to look forward to.
Why are we creeping about through all the back ways? Only till we get out of town.
We're drawing too much attention in the street.
Right.
Bung it over while it's still quiet.
CAR SPEEDS BY CRASH Back, back, back, back, back.
It seems a lot of effort, but once we find some quiet, lonely place, we'll be able We'll be able to what, Howard? Don't keep a girl in suspense.
We'll be able to make a cup of tea with our sandwiches.
Oh, bliss! That's really living on the edge.
That rings my bell, Howard.
DING-DING! He's going to a Country and Western night? It's his new interest.
He's coming with me.
You'll be wanting a few cowboy items then.
I thought we'd wear one of those bootlace sort of ties.
That's going a bit reckless, isn't it? A whole tie.
A belt.
A cowboy belt.
What are you wearing? Let's have a look at your belt.
I'm not wearing a belt.
They didn't wear braces.
They couldn't walk around with six guns dangling from their braces.
Look, I'll lend you my belt for a minute and you'll see how much more cowboy it looks.
Right-oh.
I'll lend you my braces.
I don't want your braces.
My trousers are self-supporting.
So why are you wearing a belt? It's a fashion accessory.
I didn't know cowboys wore fashion accessories.
You must be joking.
Tooled leather boots.
Silver buckles.
Fancy shirts.
I don't think they ever went near any cows.
Bigger buckle.
They always had a fancy silver buckle.
Better.
We're getting there.
It's just reminded me.
I must defrost that chicken.
It's too conspicuous.
Trolley's not going to do it.
We need to find some other use for it.
It's a great trolley.
It's a very good trolley, but it just excites too much attention.
I don't know why we're walking it.
We could ride it home.
I was thinking that.
Forget it.
We're safer on foot.
I'll ride it.
I came in search of excitement.
Good on you, Barry.
They're getting too windy, this lot.
How dare you say that to a direct descendant of Robin Hood? Oh, that's enough argy bargy.
Come on, the three of you get in.
Eh? Have you noticed, Howard, that something always seems to put obstacles in our way? I've noticed.
It's all right this morning.
She's gone to the library.
Something more frightening than Pearl.
Bad as that? Maybe someone is giving us a warning sign, Howard.
Oh, that's just superstitious nons You can't rely on your memory anymore.
Oh, don't.
It's all I've got left to rely on.
There are some things best forgotten.
True.
But invariably it's always the best memories.
I've noticed my Howard keeps forgetting he's married.
No doubt you keep reminding him though, don't you? Trust me.
You should tie a knot in his handkerchief.
In his neck'd work faster.
I used to be able to remember every detail.
Well, you don't miss much now.
I forgot the name of him who's been creeping in to see her at number eighteen.
Broderick.
You don't miss much, either, do you? Broderick? Neville? That's the one.
From Wilby Street.
They moved from Upperthong.
His mother was a Paling.
Excessively fond of flock wallpaper.
She had an uncle who died at sea.
At least that's what they told everybody.
But we all knew that he'd run off with a bus conductress.
What number was it? What? The bus.
Well, you remembered everything else.
Oh, I would have had all that on the tip of me tongue at one time of day.
Not exactly at the back of your throat now.
You see how tricky life was for me in those days.
The dangers that used to be lurking behind every curtain.
I'm not the woman I was.
You're doing a good impression.
If I go shopping these days I have to make a list.
I always use a list.
I think a list is a good idea.
It is if you don't forget it.
Oh, there's not much you forget that matters.
You remember everybody's birthdays.
Yes, I like to keep a check on who's older than me.
I'm damned if I want to be the oldest person I know.
My Barry can't remember how long we've been married.
As long as he remembers you're married, you're winning.
The trick is to make sure they remember.
In my experience, sooner or later they always remember.
You can only distract them so long.
On my budget, anyway.
Once you've worn them into that nervous, guilty look you've got yourself the beginning of a stable relationship.
I once almost had a relationship in a stables.
Said he was a trainer.
Starts waving this little whip.
I thought, "Ooh, I'm out of here, girl.
" I don't care how many winners he's had.
Surely there's more to marriage than making your husbands nervous.
Yes, there is, but if you keep them nervous, there's not as much as there otherwise might be.
You must have loved your husbands, surely? There's no "must" about it.
It took a lot of work.
Of course we loved them.
There are places a wife finds herself applying liniment to that she couldn't possibly handle in the absence of great affection.
No way.
Needs a strong commitment.
Well, I don't want my Barry nervous.
I want my Barry to keep his sparkle.
I always used to make my Wally leave his outside with his pigeons.
Enough's enough.
Let's take a breather.
'Ere y'are.
This'll do.
CRASH Would you care to explain, sir, what you're doing out here with a coffin? Oh, that! That's not mine.
That belongs to, er Claims he saw a coffin.
Question is, what's he got in it? There's nothing in it.
Take a look.
Me? I'm looking after him.
I'll look after him.
You look after him.
He saw it first.
You're right.
He saw it first.
Let him take a look at what's in it.
So, there we have it.
Alternative use number two.
She's leaking.
Well, if tha's going to drown you're in the ideal vessel for it.
Shouldn't we be doing something? I think the lad's right.
We should be removing our hats.
Didn't we ought to rescue him? That's a yes! Starting from the principle that there's no point in us all getting wet I could do with a hand with the milking, but I don't expect you to get dressed up like that.
Why are you all wet? I'm perfectly dry.
It's all in your mind.
You find me irresistible when wet.
I'm sorry I got it wrong, love.
I thought we'd been married longer than that.
Come to bed, Barry.
And bring your sparkle! Oh, Barry!