Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s27e01 Episode Script

You do realise that if you wanted to do yourself up a bit, I wouldn't lose all sense of control.
I'm clean and I'm tidy, and going beyond that is only asking for trouble.
How did your husband know you were ready for courting? It must have taken uncommon valour to tackle you without a bit of encouragement.
He got as much as was necessary.
I never saw the need to be really enthusiastic.
So I rushed all the way up from the cellar, got the phone just in time and a voice said, "Congratulations! "You've just won £1,000 off a fitted kitchen.
" They usually catch you at teatime.
People used to hear grace with a meal, now it's, "Congratulations! "You've just won £1,000 off a fitted kitchen.
" That's one place I do miss the former Mrs Truelove.
She was exceptionally talented at being nasty on the telephone.
She wasn't bad off it either.
I always tell them I'm a lunatic.
I'm not allowed to make decisions.
Well, I suppose that's better than lying.
So, I get rid of that lot, and I go down the street and I bump straight into this creature in a wedding dress.
You think you know a person and then you see them in a wedding hat.
And her husband was there looking embarrassed too.
There was no need to be alarmed.
Wedding hats are all like that.
They're designed to shock.
How come that wedding hats are getting bigger and marriages shorter? It's true.
I mean, you can hire most things for weddings these days, and that seems to include the bride.
But they still have the honeymoon first, or is it the divorce? There's a bottle just floating past with a message in it.
Answer that bottle, Alvin, it could be for thee.
Don't slouch.
Look alert.
People like to see their guardians of the law looking active and alert.
They realise there's only us between them and total anarchy.
What about you? You were half asleep.
With all the villainy about? He's away on a course.
Not the Chief Inspector.
He's not the only villain.
He's the only one that rattles me.
You know why that is, don't you? It's because your conscience isn't clear.
No.
It's because I don't lie as well as you.
I thought you did.
I thought you were coming on nicely.
Quit the flannel.
Hey, you're not having that last sandwich! I'm saving it for later.
If there is a later.
You are aware that in this job our lives are on the line every minute.
Even when you're having a zizz? You may think I'm having a zizz.
Have you ever seen a hawk? Under half-closed lids, these eyes are scanning every which way, and if it moves it's mine.
Looks serious.
Maybe dam broke.
Give us a lift to the next bridge, we've got a bottle to catch.
Oh, and what time bottle leave? There's a message in it.
Maybe that say what time bottle leave.
Could be a request for help.
Maybe somewhere upstream is a broken leg anxiously awaiting rescue party.
And of course the rest of him could be there too.
I hate looking for people with broken legs.
They're usually pretty miserable when you find them.
You mustn't ignore a cry for help.
A bottle? A little glass thing.
He rides in back.
I didn't mean to startle him.
Startle him? He's got nerves of steel.
We both have.
Really? Oh, ay, it's a must.
There's only us between community and total anarchy.
We never sleep.
He was drinking coffee.
Smells like coffee.
You noticed that, just what we need, an independent witness.
Witness to what? This entirely new kind of dangerous substance my colleague and I have just confiscated.
Street value of millions.
I thought it were coffee.
Good man! Coming forward like this.
We need the support of the community.
Even if it means you'll have to testify against the ruthless killers who make this stuff.
I only wanted directions to Cliff Street.
Second left up the hill, turn right.
Thank you.
Coffee! How do you come up with stuff like that? Nothing like hot trousers for stimulating the mind.
I still remember the last message that I put in a bottle.
Really? You surprise me.
I didn't think you were such a romantic.
What did your message say? One pint today, please and a small cream.
Yes, that sounds more like you.
I once dropped a message in a bottle off Southend Pier.
Imagine, I'm standing there with the former Mrs Truelove, at the edge of a pier, and the one I throw in is the bottle.
And what did your message say? It said, "Should you be reading other people's mail?" There it is! It looks as if they've spotted it.
I don't wish to be over critical, I realise that they're having to improvise, but does that look safe to you? Well, it looks safe enough for Billy and Entwistle.
I'm not sure about Alvin.
SPLASH! No, there you go, you see, it wasn't safe for Alvin.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if I'd got the right house.
Can you tell me who lives here? I can tell you who lives here, The Man In The Iron Mask.
That's who lives here, a prisoner in this dungeon.
Life imprisonment, without parole.
Oh, hello, love.
This gentleman was just asking if he'd got the right house.
Then you're not the only one that wonders about that then? Er, er, I'm looking for Mr Clegg, Norman Clegg.
Next door, but he's not in.
No, he gets out, all the time, every day, free as a bird.
For me it's Stalag Luft Three.
Your husband seems stressed.
We do our best.
What have you got there? I was hoping you could tell me.
Well, where did you find it? It was under that pile of junk in the warehouse.
Junk! I don't ever want to hear that word on your lips.
Junk is a four-letter word which we don't use round here when referring to my reserve stock.
It looks well past any human usefulness.
Ooh, listen who's talking.
Oh! Oh, I'd almost forgotten this.
What is it? It's a suit of armour.
Whose suit of armour? Mine.
I knew you was old but I didn't Watch your lip.
What did you buy a thing like this for? Because I know a bargain when I see one.
And anyway it was a legitimate business expense.
I used to wear bits of it when I had to take money to the bank.
Is it all there? Look who's asking! Take it back inside, we'll soon find out if it's all there.
Can you remember how many pieces there should be? I don't have to remember.
I just have to help you to put it on.
There must be an easier way.
You volunteered.
Tha shouldn't listen to me.
Tha knows I'm an idiot.
You're all right this end.
Could be disguise.
Here comes the bottle.
Left a bit.
Left a bit! Hey up! Watch what tha's scraping along t'wall.
Keep eye on bottle.
I will once they've stopped watering.
Call me superstitious, but I have premonition Billy will fall.
Sounds plausible to me.
Lower! Lower! A bit lower lower.
Oh-h-h! Not that much lower.
Have you always had this gift for seeing into the future? Comes and goes.
Oh, a lot like Billy.
Will you ask that wet person if he's got the bottle? Truly says did you get the bottle? I got dropped, that's what I got.
Yeah, we noticed that.
Fast bottle.
Must be express.
Listen I think I hear webbed feet.
Feet? I've got webbed knees! Did he say what he wanted? No.
That's because he couldn't get a word in edgeways.
I saw you mouthing off at him.
You should have asked him what he wanted.
We don't know him, that's being nosy.
You're right, it is.
Ask him in for a cup of tea, then we can be nosy.
You're wet already, Billy.
You might as well go in and get it.
We don't know how deep it is.
I'm not going in there.
I thought you laughed at danger.
Not when I'm wet.
Oh, he has a dry sense of humour! If we could throw something heavy in, it might sort of splash it nearer to us.
What have we got that's heavy that we could throw in? There's you for a start.
I'll second that.
Sorry, I promised Mother I would never fly.
Hey, never mind.
Man with lasso approaching.
Looks very home on the range, Entwistle.
We're impressed.
Yee-ee-ha! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Ha-a! No, I tell a lie, we're not impressed.
Well, he tied the knot, he got that bit right.
I think he couldn't concentrate because he's had all his cattle rustled, and feels unable to ask for the hand of Miss Dixie the sheriff's daughter.
The way he cowboys, tha'd think he'd never studied under John Wayne.
Didn't work, he thought I was Indian.
We thought you were Indian.
You mean you're not Indian? White man speak with forked tongue.
How! Ta very much.
We ought to warn Norman Clegg who it is that's looking for him.
I'll take the bike.
I'll wing my way, swift as the wind.
Slow down, swifty.
You won't take the bike, you'll get him on the phone.
Norman Clegg with a mobile phone? Never.
He'll be with Alvin and that mob.
Alvin has one.
Another exciting break from routine.
Howard gets to call Alvin on his mobile.
Bottle coming.
I believe him.
He can see the future, he knew Billy was going to fall.
Things not looking too good for you.
Will everyone please note he's joking? Got that, only joking, right.
I don't like that man's attitude.
You can trust us, Alvin.
Now close your mouth before it gets full of water.
That doesn't sound encouraging either.
I shouldn't go home wet or Nora Batty will find me irresistible.
Worst that can happen is that she'll wash and iron you.
Here it comes.
Don't miss it this time.
Listen who's talking.
I didn't miss it last time.
Any last wish, like maybe new washing machine? A drier's probably more in his line.
Just stretch down when you're ready.
Is this man showing grace under pressure or what? MOBILE RINGS I hope it's not a wrong number.
It's for Cleggy.
For me? Come on, you dozy beggar! Well, done Sunny Jim.
Get him dry.
Come on.
.
.
two, three, heave! Spread out on there, Alvin.
Tha'll soon be dry.
Just what truck needs, imprint of wet person on bonnet.
Is this the warmest truck you've got? Hang on while he revs up.
Tha'll soon feel a difference.
I can feel a difference now.
I can feel it here and here.
What's up with Cleggy? Him? CLANKING It's not bad, just the visor missing.
Not bad? Listen to it! SUIT RATTLES AND SQUEAKS You'll be fine when you've given it a bit of exercise.
I need some oil! In your lamp especially.
BELL ON DOOR RINGS Oh-h! Wow, longest knight of the year.
Ignore him.
He hates shopping.
Hates shopping? Ooh, there was a Mr Quarmby once hated shopping.
Came to a bad end.
From hating shopping? He used to cross the road rather than pass this doorway.
Hit and run.
I heard this bang and found him lying in the road bleeding.
Changed his mind about shopping.
Why? Because he was so grateful to me, that I was there when he needed me.
Able to sell him some bandages.
Sit down.
Now what can we do for you? Barry wants a hat.
To be strictly accurate, Glenda wants Barry to want a hat.
You'll look dignified.
Oh, we can do dignified, I've got shelves full of dignified.
Nobody wears hats! You'll have the executive look.
For which this establishment is famous.
You must have heard people saying, "For this seasons's executive look, go to Auntie's.
" I've never heard that.
You've heard it now.
You know what they're like around here.
I'll be laughed at in a hat.
You won't be laughed at.
I'll kill anybody who laughs.
We'll both kill anybody who laughs.
Right, that takes care of the insurance.
Why don't you try a few on? I hope she can find one to fit.
It'll fit.
If your head's the wrong size, I can't be responsible.
CLATTER! Oh! ENT IS TRYING TO START TRUCK It's Aubrey.
He's only a cousin by marriage.
I never liked him, even before I found out that he was unlikable.
And now he's tracked me down from the ends of the earth.
How far? Well, from the other side of Huddersfield.
As far as that? I had a cousin in Huddersfield.
Well, you can have this one.
Is he really that bad? I mean, you can tell me.
I've experienced the depths of human unpleasantness.
An education which began on my wedding day.
I've been on that course.
He's such a know-it-all.
I know the type.
And she's got a sister.
Have you not got that bottle open yet? You're a lot quicker when there's beer in it.
These things need to be treated with a certain amount of delicacy.
Or maybe hammer.
Yes.
A hammer would be good.
GLASS SMASHES "Please ring this number immediately.
" A broken leg with a telephone.
So this is something MORE mysterious.
Even more intriguing.
I bet it's a beautiful princess who's been turned into a frog.
But allowed to keep her phone.
She's under the spell of this wicked witch, but she can be released by the first loving kiss.
Alvin wants to kiss a frog.
No, I think I'll wait till I get a good look at her.
Now why didn't I think of that? I did.
And I still ended up getting married.
Women have big power.
Mine's got big everything.
She's not that big.
Are you sure? I'm going to have to start looking at her again.
Bring your Barry in.
He doesn't have to wait outside.
Yes, bring him in.
It's not as if we're terrifying.
Oh, I don't know though.
I've often left Travis outside.
He's very good at being left outside - his mother did it all the time.
She left him at Blackpool once, on a day trip.
Oh, that's terrible.
It's nicer at Southport.
He came to me almost fully trained, bless him.
And I think he's always been grateful that I've never left him at Blackpool.
As you would.
His mother must have been a bit of a dilly, though.
Oh, she was years ahead of her time at bad parenting.
Well, this isn't getting your Barry in.
He won't come in.
He's practising wearing a hat.
He thinks you'll laugh at it.
And he looks so good in it.
You mean I've lived with Howard just as he is and all it takes is a hat? Travis's father, well, the person his mother was living with, used to wear a hat, even in bed.
When did you see him in bed? Was he poorly? No, he was mostly in bed.
He used to keep office hours.
No wonder that your Travis was glad to leave home.
Fetch your Barry in.
Let's have a look at him.
Well, I'll try, but he is a free human being.
Come in, Barry.
No.
Come in, Barry! Coming.
Well, it's just a hat, a perfectly ordinary hat.
It doesn't feel like just a hat.
It feels like more hat than I know what to do with.
I bet it suits him when he gets used to it, once it stops over-powering him.
It's the executive look.
That doesn't want taking too far.
You see them in restaurants checking their bills with a pocket calculator.
Turn round, Barry.
I knew they'd want me to turn round.
ALL: Turn round, Barry! I'm not usually to be relied upon in matters of technology, but I don't think this telephone is working.
We'll just have to find another phone.
What number are we to ring immediately? But what am I going to do about Aubrey? First things first.
This could be an emergency.
But I always think that Aubrey IS an emergency.
It's amazing where this draught gets to.
It could be worse.
Tha could be in a kilt.
And where the sporran goes, right now, there's no sign of global warming.
Well, I've heard of taking an interest in people, but isn't this a bit extreme? He's been sitting on broken glass.
Is that ever going to be popular do you think? I was so numb, I never felt a thing.
I think short men are terribly unreliable.
Oh, don't say that.
They're better than nothing.
Well, yes, but my advice is to upgrade as soon as possible.
I've never been good with tall.
I only had one and he got fast in my bouffant.
We do seem to have things in common.
We're both creatures of fire and emotion.
I sometimes think the boiler's gone out.
We've both had disappointments.
I'm sure you must've made your mistakes.
Been there.
Done that.
Oh, yes, I've made mistakes though not as often as I'd like.
Did you ever renounce men completely? Went a whole week.
Wellif you don't count Thursday.
What happened Thursday? I got swept away by the uniform.
Oh, yes, it can be like that.
Was it a sailor? Traffic warden.
I'd improperly parked my bicycle but he was very understanding.
Traffic wardens don't make good pets.
No, I've heard that.
Although you feel obliged to give things a chance.
Do you think we should try to quit? Being with Howard I always feel is much the same as cutting down.
Hey, stop moving about.
Don't go away.
Is tha badly wounded? I can't see.
Can somebody else take a look? Oh, my goodness! At last.
RATTLING AND SQUEAKING You see? All it needs is exercise.
You're improving all the time.
What about the squeak? Wear off in no time if you take it for a walk.
Go on.
Take it for a good walk.
Oh! RATTLING AND SQUEAKING CONTINUE Well? What was the message? We've won £1,000 off a fitted kitchen.
Norman, I know it's been years, but I've taken this little job and I've been authorized to tell you that you've won £1,000 off a fitted kitchen.
Kiss me, Barry.
I can't.
The hat gets in the way.
Lose the hat, Barry.
(No noise.
Don't let me down!) SQUEAKING SQUEAKING CONTINUES SQUEAKING STOPS SQUEAKING STARTS AGAIN