Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s27e02 Episode Script

Do you think Alexander the Great used to have a packed lunch? You can't go conquering without a packed lunch.
They couldn't drop in to a Jumbo Burger.
History never gets down to these revealing details.
Like, did the man have a painful corn so he had to wear sandals? He'd have a corn specialist amongst his retinue and an ear, nose and throat guy.
He died young, though, didn't he? Well, maybe his corn went septic.
Well, I expect if they were riding all day they probably got their corns somewhere else.
Stands to reason he'd have a packed lunch.
I bet his mother said "You can't go conquering the known world on an empty stomach.
" Aye! "Keep off those oily foreign foods," she said, "eat your greens.
" "And don't let me catch you up those mountains without a woolly vest.
" Do you think that's why he left home? Probably.
Have you nothing better to do? What did you have in mind? I hope you're not about to coax me into a weekend at Bridlington.
I'd sooner paper a ceiling.
You don't like Bridlington? Fine.
Take me to Cleethorpes.
You want taking somewhere and it's not Cleethorpes.
It would have to be separate rooms.
You do understand that? It would have to be separate boarding houses and not even the same week.
You shouldn't fight these impulses.
I realise I stir your blood.
There's no need to be ashamed of it.
You stir anybody's blood? You'd need a lot bigger spoon than you've got.
I shan't be alarmed if you start wearing a bit of make-up and dyeing your curlers a more attractive shade.
I'm not the kind who goes around all dolled up trying to inflame the senses of men.
No, you've cracked that all right.
I'll give you that.
What's tha doing staring into space? I've just had the last word with Nora Batty.
It's not like her.
I thought she'd give me a stronger reply.
That's better.
I thought for a minute she was losing her grip.
What you got for lovers of adventure? I think I've read that.
What's out there that's so fascinating? Freedom.
Hills are for climbing, not for looking at.
Plus, it makes no sense at your age to be in a draught.
Help me! Get help.
I'm a prisoner in my own house.
Now you know how it feels.
I trust we can look forward to a little more sympathy in future.
Don't be a pain, Howard.
I'll get it.
What do you want? Well, if you're going to be so shy about asking, I've brought his milk.
I live next door.
He doesn't want this.
He's always wanted it before.
In future, bring him reduced fat.
He wants less fat.
He wants less of you is what he wants.
What are you grinning at? Nothing, precious.
I was just thinking how handy Cleggy's cousin will be when you want someone to practise being nasty with.
I don't need the practise.
And don't you forget it.
Suppose they hit truck.
This truck? You pretty quick on uptake.
Yes, this truck.
OK.
Let's look at the worst-case scenario.
Two peopleat speed hitting truck.
I don't like already.
Well, here's the good news - if we stay inside, keep our hands and feet out of the way, I think we'll be all right.
What about truck? Oh, don't ask me truck.
I'm a people person.
Ah, here they come.
Better than hit truck.
Aye, it's an ill wind From a distance would you recognise me? Could I be any golfer or is there something that says me? SHE YELPS Oh, I was miles away.
I wondered who it was.
It's our house.
I live here.
That should have given you a clue(!) Next time cough, or something.
I daren't cough.
At the first cough you start jamming medication down me.
Would you rather I didn't care? No.
I just wish you'd care with something that tasted a bit better.
My mother used to swear by it.
AT it, I can understand.
Anyway, dressed like this at a distance would you know it was me? Well, of course.
You're supposed to know the person you married.
I'm too conspicuous, aren't I? I'm going to have to tone it down.
I need to blend in more, so the captain doesn't see me.
I seem to put him off his stroke for some reason.
If he doesn't like playing with you, tell him to go play somewhere else.
Glenda! That's like telling Mrs Batty she can't make a Yorkshire pudding.
How do you know what her Yorkshire puddings are like? Glenda, some women attract men physically.
Others have to manage with great Yorkshire puddings.
Looks like you've been over-reaching again.
Takes one to know one.
How is Marina? Sh-sh-sh! Walls have ears.
What am I saying? Round here they've got radar.
Go and tell Cleggy to put the kettle on.
Cleggy's not in charge of who puts the kettle on.
He's under new management.
His cousin Aubrey's taken over.
Hmm, sounds like a case for Truly of the Yard.
We'll have to sort that out.
Wife has cousin like that.
No cure.
If Alexander the Great could do what he did on a packed lunch, we should be able to help Cleggy.
No question about that, but I can't believe the situation is all that bad.
What do you want? It is.
It's that bad.
Speak up.
I haven't got all day.
Is your Norman coming out to play? Told you.
No cure.
He's probably nicer when you get to know him.
Who's ever going to want to? No, let's be charitable.
He's the kind who never got over losing his sweetheart on the very day of their wedding.
Died still clutching her bouquet.
Paramedics probably couldn't get near until the photographer had finished.
They tried to keep it from the bridegroom but he couldn't help noticing there was only him and the best man.
Two not always company.
Sad story.
Makes you wonder if they enjoyed reception and disco afterwards.
She'd never been strong.
I bet he sits inside, staring at the one souvenir she left him - the violin, which she'd been bravely learning to play once she'd recovered the use of her arm.
Which one has a happy ending? They all have.
I made sure.
You can do that with books.
Life, on the other hand, is trickier.
Do you see me as a tragic figure? Oh, I wouldn't say that.
All you need is a bit off your bottom.
Oh! Does it show? Not when you're behind a desk.
You wonder if it's worth bothering.
Oh, it is, it's worth bothering.
You've got to believe that.
I'm in the library, Travis.
They say her husband dotes on her.
Yes, I've heard the whispers.
Is it true, then? Makes you wonder what they have that other people don't have.
I wonder if she'd advise on a consultancy basis.
AHEM! We were just debating whether romance is still a possibility for the middle aged.
Or even for those much younger.
It's possible at any age.
I had a friend who went quite bananas in her 70s.
Of course she'd always been a keen self-improver.
Handled many of her own repairs.
No, I think romance is one of the last things to go.
Although eventually it does become a race against arthritis.
I've already got a touch on me elbow.
No problem, love.
In my experience romance is entirely possible with only one elbow.
What about hips? Once they don't swish like they used to, my advice is try longer drapes.
How long is the man planning to stay anyway? Too long, judging by the look on Norman Clegg's face.
Long-lost cousins very difficult to remove.
If tha think cousins are bad, tha should try the wife's sister.
Some wives are tricky enough without a sister.
And they're going to stay that way.
The man needs to be frightened off.
Sounds like a case for Nora Batty.
That's no good.
She'll frighten Clegg.
DOOR CLOSES I'll be with you in a minute Ah! What we need is a couple of display dummies out there on the pavement.
Where are you going to find a couple of display dummies? Funny you should ask that.
There's none.
He broke the last one.
I didn't break it.
Its head fell off.
Never mind - you've kept yours though Lord knows why.
Now listen up.
Imagine! If I had two dummies in good condition Well, with no parts missing as far as the casual observer can tell.
.
.
I could stand one at each side of the door and create a very eye-catching effect.
I think that's probably true if you had two dummies.
What will you do when you get him out there in the hills? Do? We'd do what any red-blooded adventurous male would do out there which I suppose you could loosely describe as nothing.
We'd just enjoy it.
Aimless, you see.
No purpose.
No organisation.
Aimless is what we do best.
Clegg's up there among the Nobel prizewinners for aimless.
I don't like people wandering about aimlessly.
Life's too short.
Howard's too short but he gets everywhere.
You need purpose.
I'm teaching him upholstery.
Yes, yes.
He's teaching me upholstery.
You get to hold little tacks in your teeth.
Could be handy if ever we need person with tacks in his teeth.
Look, we're sorry your bride died on her wedding day.
What's he talking about? My wife's still alive.
What? Well, then, you've got absolutely no excuse.
And I'd like you to know that we're not always aimless.
These two are seriously pathetic.
Did I say pathetic? I meant, of course, athletic.
I thought pathetic pretty close.
Always in training.
Stretching their limits.
Expanding the envelope.
Which is not easy when your underpants are climbing up your back? Have you tried jockey shorts? They feel so strange without the horse.
Always in training for what? You name it.
There's very little sporting-wise they don't do to a professional standard.
But can they do upholstery? He just missed the Olympics on account of a torn ligament.
Snapped.
You could hear it go twang.
You could.
We all stopped what we were doing and said, "That sounds like Alvin's torn ligament.
" And this is a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
He laughs at danger.
Famous throughout the entire region for his dedication to acts of outstanding stupidity.
Never altered me, though.
I'm still the same simple chap.
He is.
He's simple.
We can all vouch for that.
He laughs at intelligence.
They don't look like athletes.
In fabulous condition.
Train every day.
Of course, it's a SLOWER train these days.
Do they do hill-racing? Up three peaks on a bicycle? Do they do hill-racing? THEY CHORTLE That's my game, hill-racing.
We'll have a match.
Now, just leave your arms where I put them.
Don't move a muscle.
And look vacant.
Lord knows you've had enough practise.
And keep your eyes still.
What if a customer comes in? Especially if a customer comes in.
I want to see two statues.
You never used to have any trouble giving that impression.
Why do we have to wear a bad wig? Oh, every display dummy wears a bad wig.
It's traditional.
It itches! You can't feel it.
You're made entirely of plastic.
Mummy was a credit card.
Shouldn't we be smiling? You've never been in a hurry before.
Oh, don't let's be over-ambitious.
No, just do vacant.
Now come on both of you - show me vacant.
What's wrong with the one you usually do? All right.
Oh, that reminds me, when you were dusting yesterday, who broke the arm off that little figurine? That's it! Vacant.
How come I'm selected for racing bicycles uphill? Thought of you immediately.
As you would.
I'd have volunteered if I'd known you wanted a cyclist for racing uphill.
Your life's going to be uphill if you don't watch it.
Truly's the only one who volunteered only he volunteered me and Billy.
What about my torn ligament? Healed marvellously.
Shows how fit you are.
You should leave your body to science.
Hey up! How tough a race is this? And all uphill! Does that sound like much fun to you? Aubrey enjoys it.
Aubrey's an idiot.
And you're an idiot.
Not that sort of idiot.
Why did you lend him your bicycle? Oh, ho! You don't lend things to Aubrey.
Aubrey kind of borrows them.
Is he any good on a bicycle? Well, he has very muscular calves as a result of constant pedalling.
Not to mention his lips.
Of course, the machine's not ideal - a borrowed bicycle.
But I dare say I shall still give you both a thrashing.
Well, tha can start without me.
I'm currently between bicycles.
You can borrow mine.
I'll kill that Howard first chance I get.
Well, you'll have to master his bicycle first or it'll take you straight into the bushes, looking for Marina.
Right.
Customers coming.
Let's have a rehearsal.
SHOP DOORBELL RINGS Do you think I should? You want to call that Alvin's bluff.
If he thought you were getting dolled-up for him, you'd scare him to death.
Why don't I just flatten him? You save that till last.
Shop! That's just what you want.
A wig as bad as that, but more blonde.
Those are terrible wigs.
Mind you, they've got faces to match.
You do have to wonder why anybody would display faces like that.
What am I going to do with a blonde wig? Your best to give that Alvin a fright.
He's overdue for one.
Shop! Ladies? She wants a bad wig.
I always thought she had one.
Blonde.
But it must be reasonable.
She means cheap.
Very cheap.
Now let's be reasonable.
Oh, it was a bit of a pull.
Are you out of breath? You hear about men doing things that can take your breath away, but it sounded more fun than this.
I wonder sometimes if we need more exercise.
That's a yes, Howard.
I used to have a rowing machine.
I wonder where it went.
Howard, promise me you're not going to start bringing your rowing machine.
I wonder if there's anything upstairs.
Funny you should say that.
Of all the hills round here they had to choose this one.
Oh, heck.
Oh, you're really very fit, Howard! What makes you think you need a rowing machine? It's a bit unsettling, you going blonde, Nora.
Some things should never be tampered with.
I've never been tampered with yet, and I don't plan to start.
She's planning a surprise for her neighbour.
I'll surprise mine one of these days if she keeps shouting and frightening Travis.
Why is your neighbour shouting? You've got a decent postal code.
She's between husbands.
It always makes her tense.
I think Nora's chemistry must have gone a bit unstable if she's going blonde.
No, it hasn't.
It wouldn't dare.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS I'm coming, Travis.
I shan't be long You heard there was an accident in High Street? No, I wasn't there, it wasn't me.
I promise you, Travis, I have not been staggering around with a cut on my head.
I don't know how she does it.
It's a mixture of superhuman patience and shouting at him.
No, there's no need for you to go down and give blood.
You need all you've got.
I'm coming, Travis.
No, I don't need a bed downstairs.
Don't touch anything.
Goodbye, Travis.
.
.
No, not forever.
I'll see you in a minute.
I'll have to go.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, Miss Davenport, come in.
Hello.
.
.
Mrs Batty, I knew I had it somewhere.
Is this the kind of thing you're looking for? Oh, that'll do nicely, thank you.
Is it your wig, Miss Davenport? Yes.
It was my glam period.
Well, they say gentlemen prefer blondes also those who are very far from gentlemen, as one soon finds out.
I need to blend in more.
I don't want to stand out.
Oh, Barry, I think you always stand out.
I could pick you out anywhere.
I don't mind if it's you, but I don't want the Captain picking me out.
You want to blend into the background? I do.
I want to do a really good blend.
You want inconspicuous.
That's right.
The effect I'm after is inconspicuous.
You're in luck.
I'm doing a special on inconspicuous.
Wait here.
I'll bring you a selection if it's not so inconspicuous that I can't find it.
I don't think I like this inconspicuous.
Just for golf.
Is it because I bought you those fancy boxer shorts? You're telling me, "Glenda, don't buy me any more boxer shorts.
" No.
You bring some colour into my life.
I thought you were going to say they bring some colour into your cheeks.
Ah Ah Ah ACHOO! BOTH: Bless you! Maybe I'm going soft, but I think they deserve a lift home.
Have you gone soft enough to buy washing machine? No.
You tell me when.
You'll be the first to know.
I bet Aubrey's bouncing up and down showing off his calf muscles.
He'll be unbearable now that he's won.
He'd be unbearable if he lost.
That's true.
At least he's consistent.
You think while he's in good mood he might buy washing machine? He doesn't have good moods.
He makes bad do for everything.
SQUEAKING Look! They've killed Aubrey.
No, I mustn't say that.
Sorry, God.
But it's fine by me if he's only so severely wounded that he has to go home.
You've broken Aubrey.
How did you manage to break Aubrey? His drinking muscles aren't as sharp as his leg muscles.
You were supposed to be racing not boozing.
We did race.
He beat us up every hill.
Oh, he would.
He does things like that.
He was becoming unbearably cocky.
Oh, he does that, as well.
So we issued him another challenge.
Who could drink the fastest pint? First two rounds were a tie.
So we had to go again.
And again, by the look of it.
The landlord was very critical of his performance.
I don't think Mrs Aubrey's going to be all that thrilled.
Tha can't send a bloke home in that condition.
That's against the Geneva Convention.
Don't start getting picky.
I can send him home in ANY condition.
He should take her some small gift like washing machine.
You know I'd never throw you in a hedge bottom except in emergency.
Where do you want this? SMASH! Bye-bye, Aubrey! ALL: BYE! Did something move? I could have sworn I saw something move.
It did.
It did.
Something moved.
I knew it - something moved! It's him.
It's always him! I think I liked Aubrey better when his knees were wobbly.
True.
But I see Aubrey as the kind of person who had legs that would sober up.
Just shows - you can't trust anybody.
Well, even wobbly, you couldn't live long with Aubrey's knees.