Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s27e04 Episode Script

Every morning we get this flurry of wind stirring up the dust and it's you.
Well, I'm a flurry in a hurry.
It's time you were dressed and gone.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a good mood? Sit down, join me.
Alone? With a man in his dressing gown? Never! It's tea and toast.
It doesn't mean we have to get married.
I used to see my husband in his dressing gown, only when he was poorly.
That's what dressing gowns are for.
Not for flaunting about in front of respectable widows.
It's not much of a flaunt.
I'm sorry if it's getting you all emotional.
You'll find things get easier once the fires in the flesh have died down.
They die down very quick, when the only fuel is men! KNOCK AT DOOR Morning, Cleggy.
I know you think I want something.
That's because you always want something.
It hurts me when you say things like that.
What can I do to make it up to you? That's very thoughtful.
I was just hoping you could deliver this note No! You see? I knew you wanted something.
You asked me what you could do.
Howard.
All right, then .
.
just give me some advice.
Man to man.
I need someone I can expose my inner self to.
Well, you've already exposed yourself as being fundamentally sneaky.
I wouldn't say fundamentally.
I'm only occasionally sneaky.
Occasionally? You do at least a 40-hour week and you're always ready for overtime.
Are you going to listen to me? I'm sorry, but I don't speak English.
I used to be able to speak English but it's all gonecompletely.
I'm being serious here.
Do you think it's possible to care for two women at the same time? For stuff like that, you come to someone who wears thermal underwear? Give me the note.
I'll take the note.
We went to this barbecue.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It muddies the image I have of you as a man of taste and refinement.
Stop taking the wee wee.
It was the wife's idea.
When I say idea, of course, I mean instruction.
Yes, I was under orders.
Her cousin was doing it.
Oh, not only the wife's sister, now you're having barbies with her cousin.
Tha begins to see the weight of the injustices I have to labour under.
Women are bad enough but there's really no excuse for barbies.
Exactly.
I laugh at your modern barbies.
They have this little gas trolley.
Ready-made fuelknobsgadgets.
Does everything but clean up after itself.
Call that a Barbie?! What was the food like? Terrible.
It was like eating a pair of trainers - both left feet.
You usually eat everything.
I can't see you saying no, even to a pair of trainers.
You feel obliged to eat.
You can't start looking fussy at a barbie.
Tha'll soon get a reputation o' being a big Jessie.
That sends out the wrong signals for a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
Imagine! You could soon be known as a direct descendant of Big Jessie.
She put me in chains.
Sounds reasonable to me.
He was dozing in the chair, so I fastened his feet together.
Whatever happened to freedom? You've worn it out.
He's on his third bicycle.
Well, they're not really good round the house.
The only hope I've got left for Travis is teaching him to bark.
Ooh! AUDIENCE OOHS AND WHISTLES Who's this vision of loveliness? It is I, Alvin - dreamer, leader of Fashion, style king - determined to raise the tone of his neighbourhood.
That felt just like getting your hand wet.
I bet you have few equals at drinking through a straw.
Indulge me.
I'm seeking to improve one of the eyesores of the area.
What eyesore in your area? Nora Batty.
I'm leading by example.
Well, he knows how to creep round the ladies.
Creep? Felt more like he was wearing wellies.
In some respects, isn't insanity wonderful? Aha! very good! CLEGGY APPLAUDS Tha looks like a foreigner, Alvin.
Ravishing, but foreign.
Didn't I once arrest you when I was in the vice squad? No.
What am I thinking of? It was twice.
He reminds me of somebody I think it's Audrey Brocklehurst.
She had a bow tie? No.
And I can't explain it either.
Take no notice, Alvin, tha looks delicious.
I bet tha's a danger to womankind.
Only to the attractive ones.
That's a pity.
I was hoping tha might elope with the wife's sister.
I'd have to check my diary.
Well, I don't suppose tha'll be coming then.
Tha's too posh.
Too posh for what? It's Billy's barbecue.
A direct descendent of your Robin Hood Barbecue.
A fry up in the Greenwood.
No artificial ingredients.
A proper fire.
None of your poncey little trolleys.
A REAL fire.
In the REAL outdoors.
Will there be napkins? I'm determined to become a slim young thing.
What have you got? You'll find Fairy Tales on the far shelves.
You're right.
I suppose I'll have to settle for a bit off here and there.
Some of the bits in between could use some work.
That's the trouble with keeping yourself attractive.
It's so time consuming.
All the men want is looks! They've got no appreciation for one's inner qualities.
That's been my experience exactly.
Have you ever tried talking to them about imagery in the work of the major poets? Well maybe not ALL the major poets.
I think I'm losing it.
I've just been totally ignored by a man in the street.
I'm resigned to being ignored in the street.
But this one is quite uncouth and usually insults me with rude comments about my person.
Perhaps he didn't see you.
Well, he should have done.
I went back twice.
I'm tightening ship, Glenda.
This is the first day of the rest of our lives.
I am going to be Mr Organised.
The old softy is gone.
I'm going to play hard ball.
If that sounds harsh, let's face it, the truth often is.
You know me.
Ask anybody.
I come straight out, up front, that's me.
Look at me! No, look at me.
Straight in the eye.
I'm back, Barry! Noted.
Noted? You usually give me a big smile sometimes a kiss.
Yeah, I've been meaning for us to have a talk.
You didn't even kiss me before I left.
And about that.
What's to talk about? It's this kissing thing.
Is it really the right image? Does it say "Mover and shaker" "Power personality", force to be reckoned with? It says you love me.
But do we have to let it interfere with my image? DOORS SLAM, PLATES CRASH OK, let's discuss this.
Who wants a kiss, then? Oh, I couldn't do that one.
You'd have to be raised entirely on rice to do that one.
I suggest nothing too drastic for starters.
Something you can do anywhere, as the mood takes you.
I'm determined.
I'll tackle anything that doesn't dislodge an eyelash.
They don't look very secure.
They've survived some rough handling.
Although, I must admit, not lately.
Here jumping on the spot with arms out-stretched.
I can do that one.
Oh, yes.
Not only healthy but it shakes the dust from the shelves.
We used to do that one at school.
Only I don't know why cos in those days I was already slim and lovely.
Oh, Marina! Oh, I think he's getting more exercise than any of us! Down there looks good place for barbie.
No.
Keep going.
I'll know the perfect spot when I see it.
Soon, I hope.
I think we've just passed New Zealand.
Trust me.
I'm running on instinct here.
I'll find it.
Somewhere wild but attractive.
Sounds like the missus! Apart from the attractive.
Take a left there.
Not real road.
Where does it go? Paradise, I hope.
I've no idea where it goes.
It just feels right.
Trust me.
I'm running on instinct.
He laughs at road maps and asking directions.
That's for Big Jessies.
Never a Big Jessie when you need one.
You're going golfing again.
I'm not going golfing AGAIN.
I'm going as if for the first time.
The new me is going golfing.
I rather liked the old you.
The captain didn't and I know why.
Because he obviously doesn't think you're as cuddly as I do.
In addition to that.
It's because I let him get away with it.
I was always too timid.
I let him bully me.
Well, not any more.
He gets in my way and this time he meets Mr Monster.
You won't be too cruel to him? I can't promise.
Can I ask you a question? Somebody's told you, haven't they? Told me what? That I'm a mine of wisdom and police experience.
Go on.
Ask your question.
Nobody's told me you're a mine of wisdom and police experience.
Mostly they think you're a twot.
Professional jealousy.
I get that quite a lot.
What's your question? I'm wondering what it is we're waiting for.
Waiting for? Stuck out here, in t'wilds.
Don't you like it here? It's all right if you're a fieldmouse.
Have you no appreciation for scenery and peace and quiet? I suppose it's good training for being dead.
Would you rather be in town, where half the idiots break the law and the other half are looking for a policeman? You're right.
It's great here.
It's our spot, lad.
Every policeman needs one.
Somewhere to take five.
Away from t'prying eyes of the civilians.
KNOCK ON WINDOW Can you tell us where we are? Only this twit's got us lost.
I wouldn't say lost.
I'm between points of knowing where we are.
I'm sorry, we're not allowed to give out that kind of information.
Just a few directions? It's a question of national security.
Beyond that, I'm afraid our lips must remain sealed.
What's tha doing way out here that's so important? We have to stay one step ahead of the criminal mind.
Would you expect the police to be out here? It's called the element of surprise.
They're taking five.
Why is there always a troublemaker? He wants arresting.
That's a lot of paperwork.
You're right.
He gets off with a caution.
Now, ladies, how many of you use the library? Now, I know Glenda does.
She's young.
We knew she'd go off the rails once her mother wasn't here.
It's only the library - not Sin City.
No, but I bet they could give you directions.
Surely some of you are readers! My Howard often changes his library book.
I don't know whether he actually reads it but there's nobody faster at nipping out to change it.
A regular! Oh, that's encouraging.
What are his interests? What kind of things does he like? I see the forecast is rain later.
We have a strong adventure and mystery section.
The men like that.
It's a mystery to me what they DO like.
Something a bit meaty, I always find.
Well, he's got that right.
I like a happy ending.
Something romantic.
I don't believe in happy endings.
I think you're far safer expecting trouble.
I haven't time for happy endings.
I've got Travis.
I'm with Glenda.
I'm a romantic.
If you'd been brought up chapel, you wouldn't be! They don't do chapel like they used to.
The world's gone to pieces since it lost all respect for misery.
At my previous library I used to run small, informal courses on The Romantic Novel.
Would you ladies be interested? Actually, it's looked like rain all day.
At this point, person with enquiring mind would ask, how far are you taking us? I'll know it when I see it.
I hope the world is round because if it's flat, we must be getting near the edge.
I wonder what language they speak round here? Foul if you listen to those two in back! I think your bow tie is twisted.
I don't think it's the tie, I think it's my neck.
I've never had so many ups and downs since I had to arrest an escaped ostrich.
How do you arrest an ostrich? Very, very carefully.
They've got a kick like a mule.
Now, then, I've got a good feeling.
Round this next bend and we'll be onto something.
Well, will you look at this? A car full of attractive ladies.
Ooh, what's he been taking? I think I need some.
It's the new Barry.
I don't know whether I like it as much as the old one.
That's tough, kid, cos he's here to stay.
Don't worry, love.
They have these little episodes.
Reduce his protein and don't iron for a week.
They come round fast enough when they need a clean shirt.
Be careful, Barry.
ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL I'll say this for my Travis, he doesn't burn much rubber.
This is it.
The perfect spot.
Our spot.
Is it clean? Oh, get down, you Big Jessie.
Now! We need some wood.
Hey, is that what the Greenwood is? We have to bring our own? Truly once arrested an ostrich.
I just mention this since it's not all that usual.
Ostrich was robbing bank? Ostrich had absconded during long journey.
Oh.
Long journey? Ha, well, maybe Billy was driving.
Can I just have some wood, please? Can I have a little co-operation? Well, I hope he's better at fires than he is at navigation.
So we made a few detours.
I found us a spot, didn't I? Yes, yeah, credit where it's due.
It isit's a pleasant spot.
It's great.
The old instinct never fails.
Takes a few bad roads though.
Bad? I could have sworn I heard a half shaft crack.
And it was mine.
Hey up! There's no need to go overstraining theesen.
I'm not hugging dirty great lumps in this suit.
I knew no good would come from wearing a best suit.
Stand back! Let the woodsman get to work.
Woodsman want to buy box of matches? Who needs matches? He laughs at matches.
Danger.
I laugh at danger.
Matches I just hold in contempt.
You're very quiet, Howard.
You must be thinking very deeply.
You hit me in the eye.
Oh, as deep as that.
It was an accident.
It felt like on purpose.
I thought, what have I done? Absolutely nothing I ought to be ashamed of.
Yes, I've noticed that.
I said I was sorry.
What were you doing? This.
It's supposed to tone your muscles.
I like your muscles as they are.
Yes, I know.
Where's a girl going to find loyalty like that if she goes for anything fancier? But if you tone yours, I'll have to tone mine.
And what happens then, Howard, when you're all lean and muscular? I shall probably need a faster bicycle.
She'll be away in a minute.
I think she's a bit wet.
Takes one to know one.
This is the trickiest bit.
After this it gets easier.
Didn't we ought to send out for fish and chips? From where? We don't even know where we are.
We're in the perfect picnic spot, that's where we are.
Looking forward to uncooked food.
All this way for uncooked food.
If we'd wanted that, there's a choice of restaurants.
She's nearly ready to go.
I can feel it.
Me too.
It's called being cold.
Now I know why Robin Hood wore tights.
Not tights.
Long johns.
The former Mrs Truelove was very experienced in uncooked food.
I used to wonder if she was raising salmonella as pets.
Has anybody got a match? You get the idea.
You know what I'm after.
All I know is I'm still pushing a hand cart.
No you're not, you're part of a team.
Yeah, I'm the part that's pushing the handcart.
A mutiny.
We haven't even started and I've got a mutiny.
He'll be all right when I've had a word with him.
I wanted this to be impressive.
A man, his coach and his caddy.
I thought, that ought to be impressive.
You never think about a mutiny on the trolley.
You're doing this for Barry.
I don't mind doing this for Barry.
Then what are you all twitchy about? Cos I can't help noticing you're still not pushing the trolley.
That is because I'm supposed to be the man's coach.
I'm the expert.
We don't do trolleys.
If I was his caddy like you, I'd push it in a flash.
He's here.
The captain.
That's his car.
I'm not pushing his car.
Keep him quiet.
Just follow me.
Remember, you're a couple of old golf pros.
I want to see it in your eyes - years of wind and weather and an instinctive feel for every bump and hollow.
Good day to you, Captain! Hey? What? Who was that? Just one of your members and his coach and caddy.
Always improving the old game, you know.
Coach and caddy? Looks more like Laurel and Hardy! I think that impressed him.
You did his head.
You impressed his head.
I think she's coming.
She'd better be.
You've used all the matches.
All of them? Aren't you supposed to keep the last one for yourself? We'll have a real fire out in the wilds, he says.
All right, so I'm not big on fires.
I'm more your expert archer.
I'm a long-bow man.
You got long bit right.
You don't imagine our Robin lit his own fires.
All electric, was he? He was more your executive function - a thorn in the side of the Sheriff of Nottingham.
It must have been a terrible sight in winter.
No firestheir faces blue and wearing Lincoln Green.
They had fires.
He'd have his own personal firelighter, wouldn't he? Oh, just like us.
"Light one over there!" he'd say, before going off to a function executively.
Can somebody else give this a blow? I'm running out of puff.
Try this.
Not petrol! That's suicide with intent.
Not petrol.
Ancient Hull recipe for big fire.
THEY COUGH AND SPLUTTER MARINA AND HOWARD COUGH AND SPLUTTER You see, he's looking at us.
I think it's working.
He's impressed.
FIRE CRACKLES THEY COUGH AND SPLUTTER Where's it coming from? Beats me.
The good thing is, this is not one anybody can blame me for.
The perfect picnic spot! Look at the suit.
CLEGGY CHUCKLES You know, even sooty, he still reminds me of Audrey Brocklehurst.
Were you very close? At school she had a Mickey Mouse eraser.
She said I could borrow it at any time.
Oh, as close as that? Pity she looked a lot like Alvin.
Of course, I'd have to see him in a gymslip before I could swear to it.
"We go into wilderness.
" he says.
A bit of wilderness next to a golf course.
Hello, Barry! Enjoying a round, are you, Barry? You know these people? Where's he been? Who knows.
He's like dust he gets everywhere! Everywhere!