Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s27e08 Episode Script

You fire arrow at sky.
Where it falls can tell good luck or bad.
Sounds like a load of rhubarb to me.
Very ancient rhubarb.
Right, stand back.
Let's give it a whack.
Looks like bad luck to me.
Who's a friendly little doggy, then? Don't come to me if you dislocate something.
You don't think I'd place myself in your hands even for medical purposes.
You'd be glad enough in an emergency.
Being in your hands IS an emergency.
What are you supposed to be doing, anyway? Harmonisingbodyand spirit.
With a body like yours, are you sure it's worth it? Look at the state of you.
I have to tell you this isn't saying "thrusting young executives, cutting edge of modern commerce.
" What is it saying? To me it's saying "take your litter home".
We don't get dressed up for work.
We get dressed up AFTER work.
What does he wear after work? What he's wearing now usually.
I change me handkerchief.
Look, I'm running a business here.
It may not be up there with the multi-nationals but there's no reason why we can't try to give that impression.
Am I coming through loud and clear? Are we on the same wavelength? Are we agreed about the right impression? I don't do impressions.
I could teach him.
He looks up to me.
He'd have to kneel down to look up to you.
I can tell funny stories.
I never knew that.
I never knew that either.
So why is it nobody knows you can tell funny stories? I think it's cos people are rude.
What's rude got to do with it? They've usually left before I've finished.
Howard! If that's Marina cleverly disguised you've really cracked it this time.
Shh, keep your voice down.
Pearl can eavesdrop through double glazing.
Say hello to Mitzi.
Oh, she speaks English? Of course she speaks English.
Hello, Mitzi, hello.
With a name like Mitzi, I bet she barks with a strong foreign accent.
She belongs to Vernon, down the road.
I'm just looking after her for the day.
He's had to go to a wedding.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope he soon recovers.
Who's a little sweetheart, then, eh? Great little housedog, Vernon says.
Now then, love! This is Mitzi.
Where did you get it? I promised Vernon I'd look after her.
Vernon's died and left you his dog? He hasn't died.
He's gone to Manchester.
Close.
It's just for the day.
But what about the cat? I don't think he's got a cat.
OUR cat, you muffin.
You can't bring a strange dog in.
She won't allow it.
There's only your barmy cousin would throw a fancy dress party.
Don't be awful.
It's kind of our Wendy to invite us.
To make a fool of ourselves.
Like last time.
I'd like to go, Barry.
Not this time.
Once was enough.
You looked lovely last time as Flash Gordon.
Flash Gordon's not supposed to be lovely.
You see what I mean.
I looked more like his hairdresser.
I've noted your objections, but we are still going, aren't we, Barry? No! I hate disappointing you, but there comes a time when you have to make a stand.
I'm sorry to come the heavy, Glenda, but I'll make it up to you.
Yes, you probably will, Barry.
All right, bring her in.
She can stay here.
You're a good lad, Cleggy.
I know.
You'd think I would have learned better by now.
Look at that.
Feels at home already.
You're sure she's house-trained? According to Vernon she's got everything but a PhD.
And he'll be back this afternoon? Swear to me that he's not gone to Australia.
Definitely back this afternoon.
They're not staying for the disco.
Wow! He's got a nerve, going somewhere where there's even the slightest danger of a disco.
Look at her.
Good as gold.
Yes, the dog I trust.
It's you, Howard.
Promise me this is not one of your plots.
Back this afternoon.
Stop fussing.
They'll stick a load of shrubbery in his buttonhole.
Suppose it pokes him in the eye and he has to be rushed into hospital? Still, I suppose he's better off there than at the disco.
He gets weirder.
There he was this morning on one leg, waving the rest of him about.
On one leg? Has he had an accident? He's going the right way to happen one.
Twisting himself about.
Twisting himself? How? Oh, that! That's Chinese.
Supposed to be good for you.
Yes, it might be good for you Chinese, but I can't see it doing an Englishman any good.
They say it does.
Mind you, they used to say that about rubbing yourself with goose grease.
Twisting yourself about! Might be all right if you live on rice, but I can't see it doing much good for meat and two veg.
It's all right for some.
You have a man round the house.
He can be twice round and gone before you blink.
Still, it's not the same without one.
If only for the little jobs.
I have my own toolkit but it's not the same.
I have mine.
Travis is willing but incompetent.
I daren't let Howard near a toolkit.
He'd only use it to escape.
Don't think I'm joking.
I have to check every week for tunnels.
She exaggerates.
If he stayed in all the time she'd throw him out.
Don't you ever throw your Travis out? I tried but I can't bear the look of pain on his face.
Oh, I think I could bear one on mine.
How is it you never married, Miss Davenport? Well, I came quite close but he had to go off to war.
And never came back.
How sad! Which war was that? I'm not quite sure.
He said he wasn't allowed to talk about it.
What was it? Army? Navy? That was funny too.
He worked for the Gas Board.
(I expect he was undercover.
) Marriage isn't for everybody.
In fact, sometimes, you think it isn't for anybody these days.
I decided to devote my life to literature.
Me too.
I can read mine like a book.
Has he gone again? Not yet.
He's next door at Norman Clegg's - showing off his new Mitzi.
Howard has a Mitzi? Only for the day.
You saw him take her into Mr Clegg's? Well, I wasn't going to have her in my house.
A very good day to you, ladies.
You will remember, Mr Truelove, my little poetry group is always open to you.
I have it constantly in mind, Miss Davenport.
Herbert Truelove, I never knew you were poetic.
One has to be creative when compiling police reports.
Well, I must get back to the library.
Do you think there'll ever be a cure for it? For what? Masculinity.
If there is, it'll come too late for them.
BARKING Mitzi! Do you ever wonder why we're here? We're here because a wheel came off.
No.
Do you ever wonder why any of us are here on the planet? That's a big jump from having your wheel off.
They say that we all come from bits of slime.
With no bones in it? No bones in it.
Just a few lumps.
A bit like frogspawn? A lot like frogspawn.
You know the trouble with thinking about big things? What? They're not much use when your wheel's come off.
How long have you been training it to kill? She's fine really.
She's a pussy cat till she hears someone at the door.
Well, where is it now? She's relaxing here, on the settee.
Well, keep it there.
SNARLING BARKING It shows more teeth than a crocodile.
It's what it's showing them at that worries me.
This is not good for your manly reputation.
It would be very embarrassing for a former policeman to be savaged by a Mitzi.
Oh, stand back.
I'll get you in.
It knows me.
You think knowing you is some sort of recommendation? It just needs a friendly face.
It's not your face it's trying to sink its teeth in.
Last place you expect to feel any hot breath.
You've got to let it see that you're friendly.
(His trouble is he gets over-friendly.
) (Is he getting too much protein?) (There are very good diets about that leave you almost entirely weak and helpless.
) I'll give you the nod when it's all clear.
Hello, Mitzi.
It's only me! MITZI GROWLS It's me, you fool.
It's Howard.
FEROCIOUS BARKING Howard has a Mitzi? Are you surprised? They're so untrustworthy.
When they're big and gorgeous, yes.
But it's not what you expect from small and weedy.
I know how you feel.
If a girl can't rely on small and weedy then there's no hope at all.
I gave that man something quite close to the best years of my life.
Of course only on a part-time basis.
Then he runs off with a foreigner.
Leaving you bruised and bleeding.
I wouldn't say bruised.
He was always a gentleman.
Really? Always.
I've tried everything.
You couldn't shift him.
Right then, lad! What kind of costume do you want? I wouldn't say want.
It's surrendering to the inevitable.
Barry! He'll enjoy it when he gets there.
He always does.
I hate it actually.
Barry! In a kind of enjoyable way.
We have costumes for every mood.
Including bad.
Now, what do you fancy him as? Something dashing, romantic, heroic Oh, can't I have a change? I do that every day at work.
That handcart Stop! Enough! You win.
Hang the expense, I've got you a new vehicle.
She's got us a new vehicle! Go and fetch it.
It's at Entwistle's.
He's checking it over.
Do you think anybody does cook any more? Has food got so fast they can't catch it? Well, she doesn't cook, that's for sure.
They're always out.
He takes her everywhere.
He dotes on her.
He's daft with her.
Tch! Men! The more they get neglected the better they seem to like it.
Bit late for us to be finding that out.
Oh, we did what we thought was best.
She'll not be glamorous forever.
When it all starts falling apart, he'll pay more attention to what he's got on his plate.
They seem to stay glamorous longer these days.
They've got more mechanical aids.
I daresay when it's all peeled off there'll be some frights to go to bed with.
At least with us they knew what they'd got.
Up to a point.
We made quite sure they saw no more than they needed to see.
In some ways the blackout was a blessing.
It must have been a golden age for the deeply unattractive.
Edna Fairburn.
Aw, she did her best, though, didn't she? She was kind to her grandad, though.
Aye! She was a good-hearted lass.
She was kind to a few Americans as well.
Makes you think, doesn't it? Those young men.
They'll be old men now.
If they made it that far.
It's a long way to come for your last bit of warmth to be Edna Fairburn.
The policeman's best friend.
His notebook.
The complete record of his tour of duty.
What have we done? You've not been paying attention.
To what? Everything we've done.
"10.
17 hours - Melton Street.
"Caution cyclist regarding dangerous manoeuvre.
" That kid? You just wound your window down and shouted at him.
I prefer to think of it as delivering an important lesson in the interest of road safety.
And what's this? "11.
01 hours.
"I began observations on premises in Northfield Road.
" What premises? The takeaway.
I didn't want to send you in till the queue went down.
And then you came back with sweet and sour instead of black bean.
I notice it went down your throat fast enough.
I don't like the public to see us eating when we're on duty.
They'll not want to watch YOU eat.
Especially with chopsticks.
That's another thing.
I said bring a fork.
They didn't have a fork.
Are you listening? Don't interrupt me when I'm thinking.
When you see me with my eyes shut tight like this - that means I'm thinking.
Promise me you won't do it when you're driving.
What are you thinking about? I'm thinking we should change our caterers.
No forks! What kind of an establishment has no forks? JOLLY LAUGHTER They look happy.
I always think that's highly suspicious, don't you? I'm not entering again until you've got it secured.
It's a lot like returning home to the former Mrs Truelove.
Fasten her in the kitchen.
I thought of that but it wasn't worth risking a bite.
She had a terrible bite.
Nearly as nasty as this dog.
Fasten the dog in the kitchen, Cleggy.
I tried that.
She scratches the paint off the door.
I'm surprised she went for me.
I'm surprised Marina went for thee.
I've no idea what he means.
Has anybody been bitten? I don't think actually bitten.
Oh, well, I don't suppose you can ask for everything.
It's been good value educationally.
It reminds you what limited skills they have.
Though I suppose we shouldn't complain about the few they do have.
I do.
Frequently.
So did I.
MITZI BARKS AND SNARLS Not me, dog.
I live here! Where is it then? Parked behind truck.
How does she run? Sweet as a bird.
Sweet as a bird?! What kind of bird is that? One that needs four legs.
Very unusual.
He's got smaller legs than me.
I'll be doing most of the work.
But his will have twice as far to go to keep up with yours.
Oh, that's all right then.
You try.
Goes like bird.
Yeah? Have you seen his birds? Now, stay right there, dog.
Here, if tha hears a noise ignore it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Can I ask one question? Make it a quick one.
Why me? You brought the thing.
Yes, but when I had it it was quiet.
Well, get in there and get it quiet again.
Ask it if I turned the iron off.
Now, what shall we talk about, dog? CRASH! Come here! Come back here! Good dog! Come here! Come on, after you.
Dear oh, dear.
What are we doing now? It's called yawning.
I mean, what would we say we were doing if the Inspector came and knocked on t'window right now? We'd tell him the truth.
That we're sitting here, coiled like a spring, ready to burst into action as and when required.
And he'd say, "Rubbish! You were yawning.
" That's how they are.
They've no respect for those of us out here in all weathers.
Lives on the line.
Alert for every move.
CRASH! What can we say? Nothing.
Just blow into this.
That's your flask.
You're taking your time, Barry.
It can't take you all that time to put your costume on.
It's on.
Show me.
Barry? Are you ready? I've been ready for 20 minutes.
Why don't we skip the party and I'll take you for a nice meal instead? Show me how you look in your costume.
Why haven't you put your costume on? I have.
This is it.
I'm going as James Bond.
Special Agent.
You don't look like James Bond.
You look like you in a suit.
Well, that's the clever part, you see.
We secret agents have to blend in, be inconspicuous.
I want to see you in your costume, Barry.
Oh, all right.
How about this? Noel Coward.
Barry! OK.
OK.
Why don't I wear a big cardigan, spill some custard down it and go as your Uncle Larry? Ohh! Where did they get the dog from? Howard's looking after it for a friend.
Didn't he know it could turn nasty? He thought that was just me.
Travis rarely gives me an excuse to turn nasty.
It's very frustrating.
Oh, you have to make up an excuse.
DOG BARKS Have they got back inside yet? No.
Travis had a cousin who had a saluki.
A saluki? Don't they have four-wheel drive? This was a dog.
Oh, probably hadn't then.
He treated it better than he did his wife.
They do.
My Wally used to forget my birthday but he always knew exactly how old his pigeons were.
He probably got more affection from his pigeons.
I noticed he always came home for his meals.
BARKING This is naffing me off! How do you think I feel? I'm supposed to live here! Robin Hood's flesh and blood and I'm being chased by a thing that size.
Would you like us to arrange to have you chased by something bigger? I'm going back in there alone.
I'll show it who's boss.
Good lad.
Very impressive.
Stupid but impressive.
Well, I went in alone and I don't recommend it.
Can I just saydon't bleed on the furniture? It's terrible stuff to get off.
Give us your coat.
What for? Don't argue.
Now, pay attention, dog! I'm coming in and if there's any fuss tha's going to get bitten.
He's not kidding, dog.
He's Billy Hardcastle.
Great eater of dogs.
Lover of women.
And defender of the weak.
And agent for Wilkinson's Olde English Humbugs.
Stand back.
ANGRY SNARL This is where we get crafty.
I'm going in through the upstairs window.
Howard! Where's your ladder? Never mind the ladder.
Where's Howard? When I promised to show the ladies our costumes, I thought you'd be in something more attractive, Barry.
I like this one.
It conceals your identity.
Did you see that? What? In the car.
A mummy.
A single parent? An Egyptian mummy.
Driving a car? Not driving.
Passenger.
As long as it wasn't driving.
Hello in front, whoever you are.
Wait for me! I thought I wasn't going to make it.
Today - it's just been one thing after another.
I know you've been waiting.
I'm sorry.
Tell me it's not true.
I would have been here sooner, except for Mitzi.
Oh, Howard! Aagh! I didn't think I was as late as that! Tha'll be all right, Barry.
Tha's well wrapped up.
Just shut it in the kitchen, then let us in.
BARKING MITZI WHINES Barry! Did we need all these bandages or were we just looking for sympathy?